A little inspiration from today's Sermon...

Hope was the theme for the 1st week of Advent at church today. This is one of my favorites. Without hope, I do not know that I could go on. Hope costs nothing. Hope wants nothing.

It is hard to believe it is already time to start the season for Christmas. I can't believe how the time has passed. With Christmas on its way it is a time for reminders. Reminders to me for renewed hope and along with it cheer, joy, peace, and love. I do not allow myself to worry about the worldly things of buying this or getting that gift. For that is not what Christmas is about at all, we all know it too. Sure I enjoy giving, but the best gift is the one I received. My Saviour.

This Christmas it is my hope to be consumed with the spirit.

"Feelings"

I don't always "feel" spiritual or worthy or clean but something that I was taught as a Christian is that feelings are not important, that the truth is. I know my flesh creates many emotions and some of them are catered by Satan, so I move forward. It may be going through the motions for me during this time but I know if I am obedient that I will still succeed. That I will get to another mountaintop. I don't know when but I will. I had a wonderful experience this morning with my husband that I want to praise God for. For it is something that I have had on  my heart and to have Him speak to him and for him to act upon his prompting, well it was special moment. I pray there will be more times like this. I pray that is all. I pray.

Thanksgiving

I am thankful for all the wonderful gifts I have been given. That I am a child of God. That I have the Word to read when I am doubtful, the Spirit to guide me, and the gift of being forgiven of my sins. I pray that I will begin again to start following the promptings I receive and act on them instead of leave them to the wayside and drought in this valley.

I am excited and looking forward to the season of Christmas and am hopeful that the joy will arise in my home and family and be sustained for the new year to come.

"Rest"

While pondering on my previous post and exposing my lack of spiritual presence, I happened to come across a good article online while seeking some inspiration. The article was about being "cluttered" and the Lord showing the author that a person can't eat at a table if it is cluttered. This article and a conversation with the Lord tonight revealed to me that I am just that. This is what is keeping me in the valley. I am living in my cluttered heart full of thoughts and ideas and events. The effort I do make in feeding my spirit cannot give me any response if my heart and head are already too full. The Lord told me tonight to "rest" and I knew exactly what he meant yet I looked it up in the dictionary anyway.

To be still and quiet in this world is great feat sometimes especially to a cluttered mind as mine so often gets. I pray tonight then after this conversation with my Lord and my insights gained therein that I will be still and quiet...trust and listen. That His words will be instilled in my heart throughout the rest of this evening. That quickly reading the Bible or other's inspirational blogs and daily devotionals are not always going to give me what I need to hear if I am not listening. But it is His word out of it all that impacted me the most tonight and it is His words that I long to continue to hear for the answers I am seeking and I will hear them but not a moment sooner than I am supposed to. This I know. And as He has reminded me as to why I go through these periods, well as you all know it is only to draw us nearer to Him. Yes. I shall rest now. No worry or doubt. Just be still and listen. Pray for me.

Seeking Myself Again

I find I often don't write when I am in the valley. My inspiration doesn't come. But I also find that during these times I am lacking in feeding the spirit and have gotten comfortable in my old habits. While I realize that not all my experiences in walking with God will be mountaintops, I do well to remind myself of the times they are and it is funny how all at once I am blown away with the grace, love, and blessings I have been given. Because I re-witness these things it is encouraging to me...to remind me that I am not of this world...that I am from His.

I wonder if I've let too many distractions take my focus away from His work and my commitment I desire to keep. I pray this is only a stage...a learning period...for my heart has changed, that I do not doubt. If it hadn't then I would not be bothering to writing this as we speak.

I've been thinking about writing of my experiences prior to my knowledge of the truth and my salvation since as far back as I could remember. I would have to do it in several installments but soing so while walking in the valley it would be good to write about them at the times I am needing quenched. So I'll have to take some time to do so, along with getting into God's word, and start my next climb to a new mountaintop!

On Giving

Each week it is my job to collect the offerings at our church and make the deposit to the bank. I don't think much of the checks or the bills that I find in there, I just simply collect them and praise the Lord for all that He gives to our tiny little church. Today however was different. There in the corner of the giving box under the checks it sat all alone. A single solitary cent. It wasn't a shiny new penny, it was a plain hard water stained penny.

This penny was probably dropped in the box by a child from our congregation after seeing his or her parents dropping their money in and wanting to duplicate the action. Or it could have been a child who thought it a thrill to see it fall in as if he or she would be getting a prize in return such as a gum ball or toy. Maybe it was put there while mimicking making a wish at a wishing well. I'll never know.

As I reached to get it I was reminded of all the times I found pennies on the ground and how I debate whether or not to take the effort to pick it up from the ground. I could have picked it up by the time I decided but hesitated all the while thinking, "Where will I put it? It's probably dirty." Of course anything I found larger than a penny I had no question.

I am embarrassed to say as I was placing that penny in the deposit envelope I seriously thought it got in there by accident, just like all those ones on the ground. I even asked myself, "Do I deposit this?" Then just as quickly as I asked, I answered, "Of course I do!" I then smiled and thought of the little hands that took the time to give it for God's purpose.

Many people, including myself, don't think a penny alone is worth much. I hate to say that for a very long time I have had this same picture of myself. I found I am wrong. I now know the truth. Individually I am and always will be of value because I am never alone - I am in Christ and am one of God's children made in His image. A penny's value is in the untold stories of where its been, how it got there, who loved it, who SAVED it, and the purpose it served. Just like people in our lives we come across, God places pennies and dimes and nickels in all sorts of spots that we don't expect them to be.

When I was a child, I rarely realized the true gift in giving until one day in the 4th grade, my friend and I had an argument. I am not sure how much time passed but I know it felt so discouraging day after day to go to school and no longer talk with her. So out of my heart I thought of her and as we were making our Valentine's Day crafts, I had decided I would offer mine to her as a gift. She instantly smiled and we were friends from then on. Ever since then I long to seek giving to people whether it be the perfect gift or the timing. It brings me great joy!

Giving is the true gift and it's those that give with a cheerful heart know this feeling I am talking about and they are the ones that receive the gift. The gift of God's love in return. The joy of it just makes you simply smile.

2 Corinthians 9:7 (NIV)

"Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver."

The answer.

Seeking guidance this morning with prayer. His voice and word "repent" came to me.

I have made many mistakes in my life. Many too quick decisions.

I try to say things and they come out wrong. Am I illiterate or is it that I speak before I think? Like my writing I am impatient to proof read my thoughts and whilst in the emotion of something I feel it is right and must be heard or not heard at all.

I am wrong.

I am learning.

I have hurt family and never meant to. I did not use wise judgement and seek God's help with the situation and ask Him what I should do with it.

I reacted to something I thought was an act of vindictiveness to me about something but should have not. Something just recent. It brought back feelings of old that were stored away and that I thought were no longer there.

I try to justify that I need be heard but really I need to pray and let Him hear me.

I failed at that. Just so you know. I do acknowledge this.

I am truly sorry and I realize this is probably too little too late. But in the Lord I always have hope.

Those of you that know who you are, I know you are close to God. Please pray for me - I seek answers but do not know how to always ask for them.

I am growing.

Yet I know thy word and seldom remember it when I need it most. I pray for getting better at this.

I fear I let some bitterness spark a very bad decision. Not anger, but bitterness. Thinking I needed to express that I was aware of something and wondered if there was an answer to it, I was prompted to make a move. Seeking resolution was what I thought was the right answer. I should have prayed and asked God what would Jesus do with this situation first instead of blurbing my feelings and opinions on others.

I so need thy word inscripted into my heart...especially at these times.

"Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: you must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires."

~ James 1:19-10, NLT

"Don’t sin by letting anger gain control over you, think about it overnight and remain silent."

~ Psalm 4:4, NLT

Repentance.

That is my answer. Prayer is my answer.

Thank you Lord, for always answering my prayers. Please help me to trust...like the man with the opressed son who said to Jesus, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

"My Creation"

It was a mid-summer day earlier this year as I was conversing with the Lord on my long evening commute. I say to him, "How? Better yet, why? Why do you love me in the first place?" I just didn't understand why or how I would mean anything to Him. "I am just only one person in this world," I thought. I guess you could say when I look at myself in a group of people, my family, my neighborhood, the world, I feel insignificant. That I am just one person and how can God possibly even notice me with so many others? To avoid this perception, it is my conclusion that I must always remain with the Lord in this walk as if He and I are the only ones in this world.

I'll still never understand it fully, but He answered me immediately with the words, "My Creation." Yes, it was His deep but gentle voice. It then donned on me that the love He has for us is very similar to the love I have for my own children. I am certainly His child, but it is still so hard to wrap my head around what Love is then? Where did it stem from? Why is it necessary? Oh I understand why it is necessary here on earth. What fathoms me is beyond this earth.

God created all, and yet if looked at in a large perspective - one out of many things can seem insignificant. One tree verses thousands, one flower out of a field of many. But when I choose to look at my surroundings and everything in it in the light of individuality, I see God's creation for each and every thing very significant. That He touched it all individually. That I am significant. When He spoke those words to me, "My Creation," I felt His creation upon me and His love with the touch of His hand upon my shoulder. No other love than that of your parents is more heart warming, is it?

Why I am a Christian

I have been contemplating something for all my life. The truth.

The verse below describes what I feel.

Job 32:18 NLT
"For I am full of pent-up words,and the spirit within me urges me on."

The question that I am led to find an answer for:

1 Peter 3:15 NLT
"Instead, you must worship Christ as Lord of your life. And if someone asks about your Christian hope, always be ready to explain it."

Why do I believe what I do? Sure I've always felt good about things or known what the results would be if given a generic answer, but I was never really able to truly answer why I believed what I believe. I needed to know and unfortunately until I finally asked myself this question, I found I didn't really believe in anything to my surprise.

This verse has really been etched in my mind. When asked, what will I say?

I have noticed others when asked as to why they believe what they believe I hear them replying with "We" statements rather than "I" statements. "We believe" this or "We practice" that. It almost sounds as if they have rehearsed the faith statements given by their religion or church and have used it for their answer of why they have hope. But where is the answer explaining the root of their belief on a personal level? Most importantly, where is mine?

After some thought I hope to find that maybe they weren't prepared for this answer either. That their thoughts and beliefs are not just stemmed from the church they are attending and that they truly do have an intimate relationship with Christ. This happens all the time though. People get in the "We" mode and don't think for ourselves, myself included. Had I been asked a year or more ago why I believe what I do, I hate to say that I wouldn't have been able to tell you.

While I don't have a lot of knowledge of religion, I do have the experience of having been in one and know now that I never felt it was "right" or "true" to practice there in. Not for me it wasn't. That plain. That simple.

You see, I was raised in the LDS church and from my memory we did some of the practices such as family home evening or girls camp - really good quality time spent together and as a child I soaked it all in. But I never recalled reading scripture or having discussions personally as a family. I don't ever remember being taught that personal relationship with Jesus was something I could have.

Maybe this is the root of my unbelief then? That I was uneducated? Educated or not, the naivety along with no desire or inquisition of the religion I grew up in, I was not subject to grow in it. I don't think I was supposed to either. I believe God has a plan for all of us to come to know Him in a unique way and in His timing.

Since then I've never had the desire to seek any religion. Just God. And now that I have truly found God, I have also found Christ. I have found Him like I've never found Him before.

Why do I believe what I do? Why am I a Christian? Because I wouldn't dare put anyone else's name in place of Christ and for good reasons:

1. Christ is complete. Whole. There is no need for anyone else. His son to whom He gave to us on purpose for purpose. Praise Him and the Word He delivers to us through the messages. Doing this completes me. I have no need for anything else. If I did, why then would Christ's second coming be so important? No wonder why I never understood - I was reading the wrong book and was taught religion, not relationship!

2. I have a personal relationship with God, Christ, and the Holy Spirit - the trinity. These are the three living beings that constantly reveal to me God's plan of love, compassion, mercy, grace, conviction, forgiveness, etc. that I cannot deny! I find God's Word every time I open the Bible or simply in prayer or conversation with Him. Add to this the messages received and praise given to glorify Him completely charges my spiritual battery! I am spoken to in so many ways and am so appreciative of it. Grace and miracles are so abundant before my very eyes.

3. I love Jesus and am amazed by His sacrifice for me. I know His plan of salvation for me and I know that my only work here on earth is to influence others for His sake and for the Glory of God. None of the work I do for Him earns me a spot in heaven, He paid for it all on the cross.

4. The Bible is living and active. There is no supplement. The Bible is the ONLY Word from God. The Spirit tells me this. The Bible didn't always speak as a living Word to me, but since I have persevered, sought, and received Christ as my savior revealing the gift of my salvation to me, the Spirit has been strong within and the Bible living and active. The enemy enjoys distracting us away from the truth and unfortunately time was spent during a large part of my life focusing on the wrong book.

5. I am witness. I have had many revelations, prayers answered instantly and not so instantly but all answered the same. God is consistent. There is meaning and actual purpose for my fasting that I never even realized. I have learned this, and that it is not just a ritual everyone does on the first Sunday of the month.

6. Relationship. I have a relationship with the Lord who walks with me daily. To know that Jesus died for me, is utterly heartbreaking but I know He did it for Love. I now converse with Him during this time with Him and thank Him like I never have before.

7. I need Christ. God loved me so much that he sent His only begotten son for me. I need a Savior. I am a sinner. Until I realized this, I could never really accept Jesus as my Savior. Interesting how the enemy kept me feeling comfortable in sin.

8. God tells me so. Believe me, I have asked of Him, "If I am to be in a setting for you Lord, show me where? If the way of religion is true show me and I will obey." He showed me Christ and revealed his Word in the Bible and the plan of salvation and I now know the truth. I am so gratefule that I finally came to know Christ and His Gospel.

I am a Christian because I believe in Christ and His Gospel. I am proud to have "Christ's" name first and foremost in my thoughts. Religion doesn't work for me. Relationship with Christ does. And like I said earlier, I wouldn't put anyone else's name in place of Christ's. Therefore I am Christian!

All in a Day's Work

"So I decided there is nothing better than to enjoy food and drink and to find satisfaction in work. Then I realized that these pleasures are from the hand of God." ~Ecclesiastes 2:24 NLT

I came across this verse today. It reminded me of how pleased I am too have found this of many realizations of God's hand is in my life. Before I started walking with Him, I never noticed.

I have been guilty so many times dreading daily chores, but whenever they are completed, I stand back and with a breath of fresh air I gain a sensation of accomplishment and much peace. The difference now is that I really get much more than that. It feels good as if God is smiling upon me, that He is proud.

I remember as a child I once asked my mom, "How come we have to work?" You see my siblings and I were always in charge of the little details of the garden. Whether it was burying seeds, weeding, snapping beans or peas, or shucking the corn, we were always put to good use. As a kid, I'd rather had spent my time playing the in the foamy "Indian" soap where the water met at the end of the furrows in Dad's garden. Looking back, I now realize I was taught a good lesson that day when mom replied, "Because Jesus wants us to." Ever since then I've pondered about this statement and accepted there was something more to working. I just never really knew what that was until recently. Walking with God has really opened my eyes to a lot of things and this is just one of them. I am excited to see what the future holds!

No matter how small the chore is, it is still given as well as received by God as good. I love that through Him I am able to appreciate the outcome of a good hard day's work!

Prelude to a Monday Morning

In a perfect world my laundry would be put away...my house would always be vacuumed and free of pet hair...my coffee pot would always be full...and I would have enough time in the day to meet everyone's needs as well as my own.

But it is not a perfect world. If it were, what would there be to appreciate?

Why do I complain about these things but am able to appreciate them when they are done? I work. But even if I didn't, I would still wish for the same things. I guess work just feels like a lot of distraction to me most of the time. So I remind myself that it has so many rewards - the opportunity to help people using the resources our agency offers, the future it will help my husband and I when we retire, the health benefits my family receives, the ability for me to personally grow and influence others around me, and to be able to find friends in coworkers who also know God and to share with them something so wonderful in common. Not to mention the job where I am working was and has been truly a blessing in my personal life, but that is another story. A story where God really intervened in my life. I will have to tell it sometime!

Working full time I often find I compare my life to that of stay at home mothers. I do this while at work assisting the public, reading others' blogs online, seeing my neighbors, spending time with my family, and while getting to know others at church. Well okay, it's not often I compare - it's a lot. I then let the enemy create guilt which then turns to envy and then all together judgement. I start judging them, judging myself, and before I know it I've let all kinds of negativity in. After much self pity I realize what is happening and think, "Isn't it easier to focus on what I do have?" I may not have a lot of time - well okay "as much time" as I'd like to do what I want to do - but I try to make the most of what I can. I just want to do even more! Things like making my home a home, spend more time with my daughter, really clean & organize my house, cook more, garden, offer more to my church's needs, and most of all to give myself more to God. I do all these things, but they are in small amounts divided amongst each other. My poor husband and daughter usually get my time when I am multi-tasking instead of when I am able to focus 100%.

It's not that having the laundry or the vacuuming done would deem my idea of a perfect world. What would be perfect would be to have the time to do it all. So I imagine while time here on earth "seems" long many days and short on others - like today where I want to do so much more but have run out of daylight and energy - I am reminded of what time really is. Eternity. Eternity spent with the Lord is the perfect world! This is my focus and it is a good focus. Being a stay at home mom or a working mom is not...I am a daughter of God and His servant no matter where I am or how much time is spent there.

So I pray today, to the One who is perfect, the one that is all. The great I Am. I pray that I will be able to make the most of my time for the rest of this day and for the rest of tomorrows for my family's sake for my sake but most of all for Your sake.

Thank you Lord for coming into my life today and to those around me that I love. It means so much to me to hear you speak to them. Thank you for reminding me that even if my house is disorganized at the moment, my spirit is not. I praise you for this. Amen.

Small Talk?

Have you ever been out shopping and came across a messenger for Christ? Or even heard Christ's words through others when you least expected it?

I have. Both times the gentlemen looked similar - dark hair, dark eyes, leathery tan skin, and were both inconspicuous to others.

The first time I was at the Harmon's grocery store back in 1999, just before I encountered my mental break. I remember the gentleman who was bagging my groceries. He was an older man, black hair, dark eyes, and had glasses on that were had a crack in one of the lenses. Out of the blue he started telling me a story about how his daughter ran out of gas at Lagoon, a local amusement park. She called him at midnight, and when he got there to help her, her only comment was "cool." I don't recall him saying anything else. I was hearing a lot of things in my head at that time due to my mental illness, but this was different.

On my way home I thought, "Why was this guy telling me this story and why is it ingraining in my head? Why did it feel as if he were talking 'to' me?" And then it hit me, it wasn't him who was relaying a message to me but Christ. I knew in my heart He was responding to my prayers at that time for help to get me out of the situation I was in. What I heard was:

1. I was using drugs and partying for 2 years attempting to have fun to pass time and distract myself from my problems with self medication = amusement park.

2. I became spiritually empty = ran out of gas.

3. So I prayed = called my Father.

4. I wasn't sure about that last part other than it was something that I could relate to. Being that at that time my only relationship with God was for crisis interventions and nothing more. I didn't get the point of the last part where she told her father "cool" and assumed she learned her lesson.

I didn't get it until now.

10 years later I now know the true meaning of my relationship with Christ. While I can call on Him any time when in need, I also know what He has taught me to do to live well and that I need to make a commitment to it. I have learned to seek His Word to keep my spiritual tank full and to praise him at each and every blessing big or small.

The second time was last month of this year. I was at Walmart. I had an impression in my heart for a while to get Charlie a fishing license for Father's Day. As I approached the sporting goods desk I found the clerk with other Walmart workers gathered around him in a circle. He was talking to them about something although I am not sure what. They were all there as if in unison. As soon as he saw me the others left instantly. I have never seen so many associates at once in the sporting section let alone gathered in a circle like that, but intersting that it reminded me of how people would have gathered around Jesus as soon as I saw it.

The gentleman looked similar to the guy at Harmon's 10 years ago. Dark hair and eyes except his hair was "Salt & Peppered" and he did not have glasses.

I had asked him about a fishing license, that if my husband had to be present in order for me to purchase one. I had told him I was getting it as a Father's Day gift. As we were making the transaction the clerk told me how that was a great gift, that his children used to give him one for Father's Day. He said he loved fishing and that he learned to fish from his Father; that none of the other "kids" wanted to learn. He showed me the best fishing pole they had for a good price and then I quickly urged him to finish the transaction before Charlie caught up with us. He finished up and spoke to me saying, "If you have any questions, I am always here. If I am not here you can ask someone here to call me."

I recall all the words he said to me as if I were still there. In my heart I hear:

1. My father taught me = God the Father created Jesus who was a "fisher of men."

2. Kids = "goats" were not interested to learn.

3. To call him anytime or ask someone to call = prayer.

Again, the words that he spoke to me were not every day customer service or casual talk. There was something about the tone in his voice that reminded me of the bagger at Harmon's. And knowing that I was prompted to by the fishing license leads me to believe differently. After all Charlie hadn't expressed wanting to fish, we hadn't been in a long time. I am not even sure the license will be used, but this message I received will last a lifetime.

Sometimes small talk isn't small at all...if you're listening.

Personal Road Construction....Look for the Detour Signs

Life is like a series of roads. You are driving along enjoying the view. Sometimes you get a flat tire, sometimes you hit road construction. Every day this summer I have had to take a detour away from the construction. Without the detour my drive would be frustrating and much longer. My goal is to get home, but constructively. Sounds a lot like life, doesn't it?

Yesterday morning on the way to work I was listening to the daily radio program called Running to Win. Pastor Lutzer stated in his message of how Satan makes sin attractive in order to break fellowship with God. Therefore we must remove whatever is keeping us from growing in Christ.

The hardest part for me about this has been identifying what influences in my life are keeping me from becoming close to God. It isn't so much that they are hard to identify than it is that I am often in denial about being influenced. Now that I am aware of what they are I am finding how much these influences are around me and my family and their abundance. I thought I was the one that had the power to ignore these influences but now without the gift of the spirit I know I am powerless.

The Pastor told of a lady who was living with her boyfriend. She decided to start walking in the truth and asked him to leave so that they would not be committing sin any longer. He would not leave. She eventually had to force him out with the authority of the police. Turned out that she and he didn't stay together and that it was for the better.

I have a good friend that I think my detours are affecting the most. My changing that is. Not because of anything she did, but because of a lot of stuff we did together. About 3 years worth that is. The stuff we were doing together was sinful in nature and I am trying to forgive myself for allowing it to go on so long. We weren't very good influences for each other and we both knew it. So many times I was given promptings to be the example but didn't have the strength to do it alone and gave into the enemy. After a few years I found God for help but am still not sure how to be an example without letting the past get in the way. I have become bitter about it and toward her, which is not right. I was the one that did not set boundaries so how can I blame anyone else for what happened?

I have had to ask for some space in order to reconcile these feelings and also hope that after some time passes we can start a new relationship and have forgotten the old. I believe God put her in my life for a reason and thoughts of her are on my mind constantly. I pray that we will remain friends and that I learn to be strong with God's will.

Satan doesn't care where he goes from one place to the next. I need to stay where I know is safe and where I am led by the Spirit. If I were to keep doing what I've done, I'll keep getting what I get. So I have chosen to take a detour and hope to meet my friend in a new spirit without negative feelings I have been harboring. I pray the Lord will cleanse me and fill me with love to as I am learning so that I may continue grow and be the person, mother, wife, and friend I desire to be.

Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord, and your lives will produce every kind of good fruit. All the while, you will grow as you learn to know God better and better.
~ Colossians 1:10, NLT

Rainbow

After a long day of work, I listen to the Christian radio station KEYY and KLove to absorb what I can to feed my spirit. It's usually the only alone and awake time I get to myself these days, and so I try and make the most of my time.

The rain has been excessive these past few weeks but it has made the earth so vibrant and beautiful. While I hate driving home that long drive, I enjoy the view. God has created such a lovely place for us to live. The clouds that sit atop the flowing green hills, the sun that peeks through the bold clouds show their bright, strong rays as pointing out each landmark to me personally. And then there's the smell. Nothing compares, nothing but the rainbow amongst all this scenery.

The most awesome experience was over the weekend, when my daughter commented on the beautiful rainbow that was arched atop our neighborhood over the weekend. She said with all her innocence, "Does God live in the rainbow?" It was then that my husband was quick to answer her question with such a sweet tone in his voice that I don't hear very often, "It's God's promise to us to never let the earth flood again."

While Savannah looked confused at him as if to say, 'Isn't that just what I said?' my heart was instantly warmed and I felt God's arms wrap around our little family just then. We looked out the window a moment later and it was gone. I just smiled.

It's times like these that I cherish in my heart and I use to remind myself when I am not feeling so spiritually uplifted. Since God plants rainbows in the sky after a storm, why wouldn't he in our hearts?

Melancholy

Feeling melancholy today after the storm hit and am now waiting for it to pass. We were robbed yesterday - our basement window broke into. And yet there is something more to be seen here. I got a comment on a previous blog about my being spiritually thirsty and feeling the Spirit has left me. Now I realize I have never been without the Holy Spirit as I "thought" I was and was probably tricked many times He was not near.

Being melancholy due to what happened gets me to thinking of the good things. I am grateful I have what I do and am not without as others are, I am grateful that the situation wasn't worse, that my family wasn't hurt. If I look for bad, I'll find it, so I choose to be grateful regardless of the turmoil of broken windows and money that needs replaced. I hate to admit I went to bed last night irritated with my husband and how he is reacting and he irritated by me, but when I woke up this morning the Spirit reminded me of love, so I put all irritability of the situation aside and gave my husband a soft gesture to show him how I feel and that it is not us we are irritated at. Now what remains in me is trying to consume that a person has an inkling of desire to do this to someone else, how could they? Is it that I don't understand it because I don't ever have the desire to steal? This is the pain that I feel. So I'm left to imagine comparing my pain to Jesus' as he carried sin on that cross of his. The amount of one sin of one person who burglarized our home and times that by, oh I don't know, a gazillion? Now how does a mind consume that? It doesn't, it accepts it and tells the heart you are loved. Now for this I am grateful.

Hurry up & Wait

Today's sermon really has answered a lot of my recent questinos. Pastor pointed out that while we often pray, do we know why many prayers weren't answered? Did we pray with a full heart, did we not listen, did we not pray enough, did we not like the answer recieved? I often ask this of myself and know I am guilty of it all. While Christianity has in the past been perceived to me as acting in Jesus' example, I now know that the real key is the spiritual exercise we must endure in order to be so.

Romans 5:3-4 "3 We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. 4 And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation."

So while I continue to learn to have joy in trials - and feel I have had a lot of practice in my life, I ask myself, "How do I have joy outside of suffering? How do I keep the spirit inside me alive and well when I am not without?"

I've been longing to receive the help of the Holy Spirit for the last few weeks now and during this sermon was reminded once again of what I need to do and that I am not practicing my perseverance as well as I do when I am in trial. My answer is always the same. Read. Pray. Obey. And yet I still want to hurry up and wait for things to happen. But for what? For big promptings like they were during my last trial? For the intense conversations with God? And when I don't see or hear anything, I stop listening, stop praying, I am swayed by every other distraction there is and lose sight. And what else am I doing? Nothing.

Pastor challenged us today. To read from the Bible and to do this in a year. I have not ever read the complete Bible. I have started but never finished. Knowing that others are going to do it along side me, this shall be fun. I know the Bible is a living book and that when I read it I am shown so much - and so why do I choose to hurry up and wait for the spirit, when He is probably the one waiting for me.

This is why I love going to church. I love the energy that is charged within me when I leave. The challenge. The spirit. While it can't be my only feeding ground for my Christianity, it plays a big part on how my week goes. It allows me to get insight and feedback from others who are also practicing Christians and it is an awesome experience to grow and have family there. But most of all it reminds me of what I need to do other than on Sunday. To be a true Christian, not a Sunday Christian or Easter/Christmas Christian, but an every day one. That is my goal.

Thank you Lord for the trials in my life that have taught me perseverance. Thank you for the promptings I have received from you this past week to make the right choices and by your grace allowing me to me to "hurry up" and respond to your promptings rather than wait a moment longer and let the enemy take over. Thank you for you Lord, for your son, without you I am weak flesh. I pray that you will help me to read your word this week. Please forgive me of my sins and cpontinue show me how to walk in your light. For I know you will send the Holy Spirit to me when I am ready, whether it be for guidance or direction to a trial or to everyday love of my neighbor. I know there is purpose for waiting, and I still persevere, but it is through you that I do - through your son, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Thirsty and in the Desert

Have you ever been so connected with the Holy Spirit for a long period of time and enter a dry spell you are wondering if you did something wrong? I do, but I know this feeling is also a trick and I do not need to doubt the Lord as He has forgiven me my trespasses before I've even made them.

Yes, I am in a spiritual desert right now. I am thirsty, yet I know what I need to do to quench myself. But do I obey? No. I realize I am human and that it is up to me to feed the spirit. But I go on day by day, making little time for prayer and for reading my scriptures. Then comes the conviction. That is the beauty of the Lord, even conviction is a gift. Without it I wouldn't be seeking these questions or trying to sort through my feelings. I guess what I'm really seeking is guidance. But for what?

Where I don't know what I'm seeking - but I know the desert is wide and long spread, I wonder when and what will come next? Where do I read in the Bible? What do I pray? Everything is going really great right now in my life, I can't ask for better. Is this why I am suspicious something is going to happen? Lately when I do pray I have prayed for others. I praise for the current blessings in my life. But I still don't sense the presence of the Lord. And I need to be content with this and remember He will come when needed.

And as I am writing these words at this very moment, that still small voice instructs me to read anywhere...that there are no specifics...that I just need to trust. I hear this familiar voice and I want more. That is my being human. That is my mistrust and greediness. I want more, but I need be patient.

We are taught to have joy in tribulations in that it teaches us perseverance for growth. Do I want a tribulation? No, of course not. But when it does, I know the Holy Spirit will be there to lift me up in strengths I cannot explain. It is then that I will get to hear His voice. It will be overwhelming to me. When I think of times past and all that he has answered for me thus far, I remember to trust. I remember to be patient.

So I pray that just for today that you, Lord, are pleased with me and my efforts, that you will show me my next step in this walk. I am waiting for you Lord. Waiting. In the meantime please remind me of the time I need to pause to spend with you either reading, noticing all the beauty you've given around me, singing praise & worship to you, praying, writing, or offering a simple smile to a stranger. And Lord, I thank you for being so forgiving of any doubt that may cross my way, for I try earnestly to not listen to it and to always come back to you and the truth. I pray that you will prompt me to be a positive person, one that has no bad to say or judge of others. I am human and I need you Lord, without you I am nothing. Amen.

Love is the answer

I read in Corinthians (Cor 12:4-30) last night about how the body needs all parts to do it's job, that even though all parts are different and do not agree with the other that they are still needed for the one body. Just because a hand is not a foot doesn't mean the foot does not need the hand. This made me think then on how we are all parts of the body of community, the gospel of Jesus Christ, our family, our work, etc. Why then does it seem we don't act like a body? I guess this gets to me more than ever as of lately in that family and friends in my life have chosen to silently not exist in mine and others lives because of various reasons, reasons that I am not even sure of and will not understand. Reasons that make no reason if that makes any sense. Some are because of religious differences and some are not. I don't understand it.

Living where I do I often get the feeling that there is trouble when in conflict with religion. It's too bad that "religion" preference is more focused on than Jesus Christ. When we first moved to this neighborhood I was visited by a member of the local church that is a majority in my area. I was expecting this as every time I have moved in the past, the same attempt has always been made. This time, knowing what I experienced from the last move, I asked her politely that while her visiting me was heartfelt I asked not to have my name on the list for visitation.

Because of this she didn't really acknowledge me again. This was not surprising to me though. I am not sure why when I make this type of decision and let it be known that I am not interested in practicing a religion they take it personally. Maybe it's that they don't know how to react. Is it that because of the area I live it is expected and that if I am opposing a cardboard cutout and respond differently than what everyone else does, they feel offended? Maybe I surprised her? I don't know. Isn't Christianity about loving one another as a person, not as a religion?

Religion separates people. That plain that simple. Jesus condemned religion and this is a good reason why. Religion in my opinion causes separation of the "body" of Christ, that if you are not a member of one's church then you have no value. Not all people of religion aren't this way but as a general whole, where I come from, people like me are not oblivious to the separation. And when it comes to religion and utilizing the resources they have to help someone in need, some are very wealthy and able to do this. I do acknowledge this, however when with the help there also comes an expecation of that person. That is the difference between religions and being a true Christian. This is not truly giving.

Now that I mentioned true giving, which leads me to a little thought on what I have learned by Jesus as true giving. I was always taught growing up that if I gave tithing or services, I would get returned a reward two-fold. So I interpreted that to mean if I give I will get, never that my good deeds would be noticed for what they were worth. Maybe this just wasn't explained well to me or I didn't ask enough questions. It hasn't been until now that I realize if I give wholeheartedly for the sake of giving and that is it. That is my reward. And I love that reward! I love to give just to give, I always have. While it is true that my deeds will not go unnoticed if from the heart, the difference is that if they not done as a "practice" or a "gesture" such as going through the motion of it, there is no value in it. But practicing does make perfect too, which can be a wholehearted motion giving by your own desire and not by the encouragement of any one person other than Jesus.

So reading on in Corinthians 13:1-13 it then states about if we do not have love, than what good are we? If we do all the things we are to do in this world with good deeds and going through the motions, none of it counts if you do not love. Our pastor asked us last Sunday to read aloud and put our name in front of the verses Cor 13:4-7 and just to listen to what we are saying. Am I living this? Dping this really hits home and shows you who you really are.

I do know that religion does serve some purpose. It is thought of as a "body" as I was talking about earlier, but the world is not just one religion so to me religion is only a part of a very big body. The body of this world. It's purpose is there and we do need it, but we have to be careful with it just like anything. It originally brings us to the teachings of Lord, it makes us think and challenge ourselves. Without it we may have never ever known about Jesus, but that doesn't mean we have to live in it and it's politics our whole life. Worshipping Jesus without religion is so free and spiritual. I love that I can share with anyone Jesus and let them know His love for them. Without having to explain anything else. It's that easy.

So I ask you Lord, please help and teach me to learn to love. I cling to every word Jesus has taught in the Bible and yearn to feel that love for all. I hope that as I learn and can do better, the people that do not show love in my life would see the love that I do show and somehow be reminded of the root of life. Also lord, help me to understand the people of religion more, that I don't place judgement on them but that I see them and not their religion, that I see your spriit within them and not the words of others giving them their instruction. I pray these things in your name, Amen.

Music....the Food for My Thoughts

Music really lightens the heart, spirit, and mind's emotion. It sets the mood for the minute, hour, and day. I have added some of the most recent music that I've heard on the radio to my site here. I find it is as strong as reading the word and praying to God and it is a great way to spend time commuting to and from everyday life. It really recharges my batteries.

While I have so many questions about the Gospel and Jesus Christ as I am still learning, I also am limited on the time I can spend to make entries about them. I haven't been able to as much as I have liked lately, but there is always something stirring inside.

Last week's sermon mentioned that every time we read the word, pray, or praise God, we are being changed. Whether we feel it or not. The energy that comes from the time spent with Him eventually comes out in some form. Hearing this I realized that I wondered why I didn't always "feel" changed after reading, praying, or singing praise. I guess because there were so many times where I did, I just expected the same result. It now makes perfect sense. What I learned a few days ago will be fruitful for me a few days after. He puts us in a desert for a reason. I may never understand this and while I am not supposed to, I do accept it.

This is why I love blogging. I love that I can jot down only one thought and ponder on it when I have time and can publish it when I feel ready. This morning I didn't feel any spirit inside of me. I felt dead in fact. But because I remembered just now that I have been wanting to post my play list in my blog is where this all changed for me today. I played one song while I was obtaining the code and bam, I was inspired to write something!

My husband is a musician. He is very artistic in the capability of producing music and lyrics out of nowhere. But like me he must have the desire and the right mood, time, and energy. A lot of times things come when you are nowhere near a note pad or keyboard he says. He stores it up in his head. He is also like this when it comes to cooking. That man of mine can conjure up the most amazing things. I'll joke with him and tell him how "un-artistic" I am. Sure I used to be able to draw back in Jr High, but that's not even been an attempt since. I then realized that I do have an artistic ability. I like to write. I like to form my thoughts and get it out on paper, er computer. I like it because it feels organized. It is as if someone is listening to me, and it is challenging to provoke people's thoughts. It's almost as if I am writing music. :)

Living to Glorify God

While I recognize my salvation as a gift from the Lord, Jesus Christ, I also know the different ways I must live not only to "help" me to keep on the straight and narrow but to glorify God.

I was sitting in today's sermon and again was overwhelmed with God's love for me. Something I will never understand. Today I learned that the gift of salvation doesn't stop there. That God loves to hear my praise and that in order to receive true joy and a long lasting and rewarding relationship with Him I am to continually give "best effort" to grow in my relationship with Christ to becoming Christian and live in moral excellence becoming "productive and useful."

2 Peter 1:1-15 was the passage we studied today. The Pastor made a good point that hit me personally - that the qualities mentioned by Paul are going to take work. That to glorify God in this life through his son, Jesus Christ, we must possess and build up in ourselves certain traits to become Godliness in order to receive "everything" we need for "life". Because of this process, I believe it is why we are here on earth. Not to be tested, but to grow. Satan "tests" us since we as Christians are the ones that are tempted and will make many mistakes, but we are here to grow and God put us here to do so - to become His children. It is true we must accept our salvation in order to enter in the kingdom of God, but to glorify Him, well that is even better.

As I read the scripture I found it intersting that what I have been working on in these past 6 months were all contained in this scripture even before I read it. In other words I knew of the different qualities by seeing them in others that inspire me. I knew they were all good and knew they were all parts of Christianity. However now that I have read them it is as if I have been instructed by the Lord himself with the direct word. That is the awesome part about having a relationship with Him. The lessons I need in life are always tailored to my needs every time right when I need them...as long as I am asking and listening that is. When I don't ask or listen, I don't hear nor receive.

So I will continue to press forward in my faith in order to know God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit better than I do today. I have wondered if it could get any better at times when I was in awe with His grace, but little do I know.

Life and other ponderings...

Did you know there are about 36 different meanings of the word life? According to Dictionary.com that is. What does life mean to you?

For me it is to exist while working at one goal with many series of distractions. Some people call it a test. I agree, however it is more than one test. It is many. Distractions is how I refer to them. Distractions from remembering our creator and of why we are here. I get distracted with the worldly events, people, and their opinions. Friends I know try to enlighten me when I am down. They say there is light at the end of the tunnel and at first I think "Aren't they just in different part of the tunnel than I am?"

Life has a lot of pain. A lot of heartache. Interesting how the physical pain is easily forgotten such as that of giving childbirth or a broken leg as a kid. But the aching in your heart is not. I am not referring to bad heartache, but good. Sure you remember the pain you've experienced in life, but it's memory is just simply remembered, not refelt. What remains inside of your heart is the actual feeling you had when you first saw your child you just gave birth to, or the amount of people that wanted to sign your cast. Love is everlasting - it is what remains. I've often wondered how that strong ache from love in a person's heart gets there. I am sure there has been scientifict tests completed to determine that it is emotional chemicals derived from our human brain, but for me it has been at times so deep and strong that not even my human body can consume it and I know it comes from something more.

This makes me wonder then what we will think or feel rather when we are done here? For now we have a veil covering our memory of existence prior to our life here on God's earth. I am sure we will be able to recall all that we accomplished here and remember it - if we didn't what would the worth of living be? But will the feeling of the memories be the same as how our life experiences we remember make us feel now?

Life is very complex...I thought it was easier to live when I was not following God. I had no one to check up on me and so I felt no conviction or worry, there was no work involved. You'd think following Christianity is easy, but it's not. For every wrong thought I have, I am convicted. For every negative opinion about someone whether it be the way the look or act, I am guilty. I am always finding myself doing, thinking, or saying something incorrectly but what's most important is that I ask for forgiveness as soon as I recognize it.

What then comes to my mind next is the question of why are humans programmed to be so quick to judge? This has been bothering me a lot lately. Why do negative and rude thoughts come into my mind before I even have time to think...I am shameful for this. I don't even know that person. So then I think to myself, God loves that person...and then I want to know why. I feel apt to try and get to know someone even if it is only for that short time in the checkout stand. I don't always do it, no, but I do think of it and believe I am on the right track for not leaving my judgement of that person unaccounted for before God. I will not let Satan's work of trickery in my thoughts be unnoticed! I must read God's word to sheild myself as well as pray for His help in forgiving me...this will eventually keep Satan out for good.

Life is often thought of as only the present time for which we are alive "physically" here on this earth. It is so much more and that friend who told me to look to the light at the end of the tunnel was right! At first I admit when I heard her say this to me I wanted to reply with a sarcastic, "Who's tunnel are you looking in?" But then I remembered she was referring to God's tunnel. And because of God's tunnel she felt it in her heart, whether she was having a better day than I was, to remind me that God's will always prevail.

So you see life is serioues of distractions. Big time distractions. People, things, and experiences are not what can make you happy. Living for God's will does. I need to be reminded of this again and again. Living for me and my needs and desires led only to sinning and while this way of life felt easier than following God's footsteps on the straight and narrow, it has no meaning or purpose. It takes a lot more effort and thought and He leads me all the way down this tunnel - light in hand!

I pray today that I will be more obedient - that I would not just be satisfied to remind myself that I am working toward Christianity but will actually put more effort into actually living it. Please help me Lord to seek your word on a regular basis and to ask for your spirit to guide me. Please continue to remind me that even though in the times you've instructed me to be quiet and wait for your grace, that I must trust you even when I don't hear you and always remember to praise you and move your work toward others. Please bless me that I will not become distracted and stale in my journey with you this week as I have been in the past few weeks. I may have many distractions right now, but you are my main focus and always will be. Please remind me that these distractions are the enemy trying to weaken my love for you. Please remind me that I have been given a gift of the Savior to redeem me no matter the amount of work and good deeds that I do here. Remind me that this gift if I use and accept it will give me your reward of eternity and that the work and deeds I do do from my heart will be a way for me to praise you as it pleases you for me to live by Jesus' example and share your love to others. Please continue to remind me of this dearest gift and the example for which he has taught us. I long to know Jesus more and know that I am in need to seek your word, please help me to find the quiet time to do this and to remember to pray beforehand. I long to see the second coming if in my lifetime, but if not I pray you will help me be patient and await your son, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Save & Protect

I read a devotion today that talked about saving and protecting one's marriage. That it is important to hold your tongue and not to vent too much about the little things. That all little things add up and are a slow fade to destroying a beautiful thing. But what about the big things? Why is it that there is no time to confront, pray, or to seek counsel from God in that split second before things go terribly wrong forever?

I am not referring just to marriage but also to parenting. My youngest son who will be 18 soon is no longer living with us due to a dispute that I am not so sure is such a big deal when looking at the big picture. But then again I am mom and nothing is a big deal to me. I just want my children near my side always and know they are safe. But the worst part of all this is it feels like "round 2." A couple years ago my oldest son ran away just before he turned 18 and has made some crazy decisions and is now paying the price for them. They both deserve futures but who's responsible for helping these boys get to where they need to be when they are at this age?

It seems to make sense that because kids at this age society views them as "legal" or "emancipated" then they are assumed to be 100% responsible to do the things they need, but at 18 boys are still boys, they are not even close to being men. Who decided this is an age where a turning point should begin? Where has their biological sperm donor that they still call "dad" been their whole life? And how does my husband, the "outsider" or "new" man become married to their mother and is expected to be a stepfather overnight without knowing or having the experience of even being a father? How can he come in during these boys' last 4th and 6th years and make up for all that lost time? He does it out of love for me. He knew I was a package deal. Yet he is willing to do this even thought he admits he doesn't really know all the fatherly instincts due to growing up without one himself. In fact my husband became a grown up at age 16 when he ran away from home to stop being abused. Living in the streets he learned to grow up and sometimes with this I think he forgets or is not even sure really what it's like to be a growing boy. He just survived. He doesn't know "family" like you and I do.

Now my marriage is seeming to be tested today by all of this chaos that has recently taken place and it doesn't help that my husband has fallen into a depression. He's never done so before, so things are turmoil in emotion back and forth it seems at our house. So now what? What do I do? I married my husband for better and for worse. I did so in the name of God and meant it. Over time and especially last year I have let my relationship dwindle away from my husband and my boys and spent it partying with friends. Now I am feeling the effect of it all. Why did I start drinking again in the first place? I know I made several excuses and the first one being that my dad died. But that is a tangent I won't get into...

I often do question my mothering skills and do blame myself for my boys' downfalls. I also blame myself a lot for things that went wrong in my first marriage. I do this for a good reason. I know people say you did the best with what you knew, but that's just it. I didn't know enough and didn't have the desire to do more. But why not? I know I could have sought after God, but I didn't realize the importance of it to my children to do so. I was selfish. So yes, I am at blame. I thought God's purpose was only there for me. For bailing me out of my crises. I could have sought Him to guide me on my children but didn't. I didn't even take the time to think of my children. That is why I take blame. I am at blame. I was too young to have kids. I seemed to have been too relaxed and having fun that I didn't hear God. I could have placed great influence in those boys when I should have. Will I do better with my daughter now? Is this God's way of giving me a second chance at mothering? I don't know, but I do know that God is on my side as long as I keep him here.

The question still remains though, "How does one protect and save their marriage? The relationship with their kids?" The answer? Seek God. I need help in this. Obviously or my family wouldn't be in such distraught at this moment. There is a reference in the Bible that impresses me that if I seek God and follow with my heart and my might that all else will follow, including my household. I don't recall the reference but when I read it really stuck with me and was a great comfort. As I have prayed in these last two weeks of trial, I am given God's same guidance - to be patient yet again with my husband. He has also instructed me to continue to "follow" for which I have taken this seriously and shall obey. He never changes. I am grateful for this. You know I didn't even realize that women were created by God to be man's helpers until a week ago? This has really brought light to a lot of worldly ideas that I had no idea I was sucked into. I have a lot more reading to do it seems.

The devotion left me with a good message today which I think answers my question on how to protect and save what is precious to you. The author said something about if Satan knocks on your door would you ask God to answer it for you? I am learning that marriage is a sacred thing and I now know this when I read the word and God's perspective of such. My boys will be okay, it just seems to the human eye that I have abandoned them as a mother, but truly in my heart I have not and God knows this. He hears my prayers. They have much friends and family who are willing to help them when they need and so that I am grateful for. As for my husband, well he is just getting to know what "family" is and one day he will feel it too. This is my hope and I choose to save and protect the family that is left in my home by continuing to follow God. Please pray that I will endure.

Old Convictions

I have heard that you are to immediately ask for forgiveness when you commit a sin. Well what if you didn't and you now have so many from the past that you still need to ask for forgiveness for? Just to share some back ground with you there are so many sins from my past. I am grateful to even be alive today to be able to ask for forgiveness from them. And just now as I type this I am comforted to know that Jesus loves me for asking forgiveness from Him.

My sins all started when I was 14. I began toying with the idea of drinking and getting attention by talking about it...it eased my shyness and helped me relax around the boy I thought was so cute. I actually persuaded and influenced the use of alcohol in the relationship and thought it was okay - if my dad enjoyed drinking then how could he disagree if I did it? This is the thought I had in my mind at the time. I used it as an excuse. I didn't even realize my dad had an illness called alcoholism. I was very naive but didn't ask questions either.

Then of course I became pregnant at 16 and was not married. At the time I thought it was okay as long as I "felt" those cozy emotions that love brings on. Of course I got married and did well the first year after baby Michael was born and was so in love with him that I didn't think of anything else. I didn't really commit much sin until a couple of years after that.

My husband wouldn't come home from work on an almost daily basis. Come to find out he was stopping at a friend's house on the way home and claim that he was waiting for his friend to come home work. Why then would one day when I knocked on the door of his friend's house would his friend's wife open the door in nothing but her bathrobe? And the first thing out of her mouth was that they were just talking about me? I was pregnant during that time with Jacob. I remember crying one night we were partying at their house and I wasn't drinking cause I was pregnant, but I remember him and her sneaking around the whole night and then asking me "what was wrong?" I remember not being able to wait until I was no longer pregnant so I could drink too and "feel" like I was back to normal. I was all but normal!

When Jacob was born he got really sick and what did I do Lord? I was easily influenced by my husband to leave town and get away from it all. I was not by the side of my baby boy. What Lord was wrong with me? Please Lord forgive me for this, I am so heartbroken because of it. And I praise you for taking him into your arms and saving his little life. I think I knew you would in the back of my heart but was still so distracted with the influence I had from my husband.

Lots of partying went on in order for me to "feel" comfortable being around all the people my husband at that time wanted to be around so I got pretty used to myself this way and liked who I was. I felt like I was fun to be around and outgoing. I never felt convicted of this however. Until now. Needless to say with drinking and partying comes about infidelity and indecent behavior and language. I was no angel and neither was he. I would flirt and try to get attention that I didn't really want and thought it was fun. For my husband he didn't ever have to drum up the courage with alcohol to do this like I did, he simply committed adultery. I never had proof, but know he did - didn't believe it until after we were apart. I was blind and naive.

I was so blind and naive that I actually thought I was happy in this marriage. I didn't understand why my husband left me at all. That is when I really sought you God, but my prayer was something I thought would be answered immediately. Little did I know your work. Please forgive me.

Then came the hard core drugs. This is the end of from the time I was married to about a 7 year period you could say. I was using meth and marijuana on an almost daily basis...as well as alcohol. I would spend meaningless time with strange people just to not feel alone. I did a lot of stupid things like driving under the influence with my children in the car. I even stole a necklace once thinking that if others got away with it so could I. Please God forgive me. I am so grateful that I didn't hurt those boys physically but emotionally I did. I am so distraught at my conviction. Please have mercy on me.

All the while my boys were staying nights at grandma's or at friends or even with me and at some of the most worst states of minds I could have. They would play with the other kids that were around at the time but never had good influential friendships with any of them since these kids were also facing the same dilemma. I neglected my children Lord and at the most influential time in their life too. I admit it fully. Please forgive me and take this shame away. Please help me to be a better mother.

I am so ashamed at myself. I am so ashamed. Please Lord forgive me for being so thoughtless and reckless with the life you have given me and the life I've given to my boys. I thank you for your salvation and for saving me...I have so many more past sins that I ask for forgiveness of and you know of them so I won't post here, but Lord I am honored by your grace and your blessings that you continue to give me regardless of my track record. Thank you dear God for sending your son, Jesus Christ, to bear the sins of the world. Mine alone are a burden I can't even bear, so I am so grateful. Amen.

Change in Season

There is only two things that I know to remain constant in this world - change and God. God's love & God's Word always remains constant and "unchanged" while everything in this world changes and it is during His season and with His time. Being that I am a mere child of God who is impaired with flesh and emotion allowing for impatience and fear of the unknown, change is frustrating and I grow tiresome of it. Don't get me wrong, I am open to change, otherwise life would be dull and predicting. I guess I am just not open to it when there is too much all at once.

My family is in upheaval at this time. We are all struggling with unhappiness and uneasiness at this moment due to complicated stress caused by changes. Employment status, age, expectations, and habits all happening at the same time have cause different changes and are now impacting us in this season and it is hitting hard. Sometimes it is hard for me not to be envious of others at this time. I always seem to think they have a wonderful life and are lucky to not be going through what I am, but this thinking is wrong. I realize the biggest obstacle of change is disappointment that is caused by this type of negative thinking which is and always has been the root to creating despair in my life. I am fighting the fight however, and must strive to be positive. I will need God's help. Change is constant just like Him.

Life is like this. But it brings us closer to God and his Word. Our heartaches encourage us to ask for His love, to comfort and to guide us. We as Christians expect God to respond as we know His love - unchanging and always there. I will be glad when the day comes that I am finally with Him so that I remain in His light that will be ever comforting and I will be without change. I find it interesting that it is now that I am just realizing that this eternal life with God is the "happily ever after" that those childhood fairy tales referred to.

This gets me thinking about just how many seasons do we have in our lives? Once blessed after defeating a long trial, I find I feel I will be good to go and be able to handle the next thing that comes about better than the one before. And then I am surprised at how each time I am given a new and different trial that takes me off guard and it is up to me to grow from it rather than to be negative. If I do this upfront and am proactive, the trial will not be as long lasting I hope. I realize positive thinking is very powerful but it is harder to practice than it is to preach.

I pray that I can remember there will be light at the end of the tunnel when I am in despair during a particularly tough season such as the one I and my family are going through now. I pray that I will obey God and His Word He sends me through The Spirit during the trials I and my family are enduring at this time. I pray that when the season is in my favor that I will always remember to thank and praise God just as often as I pray for comfort during the hard seasons in life. I pray that my family will seek and receive you Lord, just as I plan to. I just pray.

God's Instruments of Love

God's overwhelming love for us comes in so many forms; in answers to many prayers, the blessings we have and continue to be given, and in our beloved relationships with others. God sends this love through The Spirit and our counselor, Jesus Christ by way of many instruments. It is up to us to respond to it and when we do, we are left in awe and will never forget the comfort we are given with this true and unconditional love He has for us.

For me it was about 11 years ago when I really come to know the love God has for me. Sure I've always known it was there but I didn't comprehend His love until it was given to me by a complete stranger. It was as if Christ had knocked on my door himself. I am still overwhelmed with emotion as I recall the experience.

It was the morning of my youngest son's 7th birthday. I was still deeply depressed from all the turmoil from my ex-husband leaving me to moving back with him thinking we were working on things all the while living in a drug-addicted lifestyle. (That's another story.) I still remember that morning asking Todd if he would take the kids to school that day cause I just didn't feel up to it and wanted to remain in bed. He grumbled and gave me a hard time as if I had asked him to do a miracle or something and tried to make me feel guilty. I gave the boys my kisses and told Jacob "Happy Birthday" as they went out the door to school. After they left I remember enjoying the silence - not from the kids being away but because Todd was no longer there nor the reminder of the drug induced life he had brought into our house. If even for only a quick run to the school that he was gone, it was a relief that made me feel as if there were no problems around me.

About an hour had passed and I noticed Todd pulling in the driveway finally coming home. He had a couple of people with him, there was always someone new around him it seemed. I remember thinking to myself how old this was getting - his drug business and the lifestyle that tried to exist around me that is. And then no sooner than he got out of the car a couple cop cars pulled up. I remember it was like slow motion standing on the porch as I watched him getting arrested. I was not surprised by the matter after all the illegal activities he'd been involved in and I was very grateful the boys were at school by this time and not subjected to the event. I am sure Todd thinks to this day that I set him up by having him take the boys to school. It was always the way he thought - thinking that someone was out to do things in spite of him. He thought this way because this is how he was with others. But I have never been that way and little did he know me once the drugs took his life over.

After Todd was escorted away, the cops came into the house to inspect the place further. They asked me to look around at what I saw. I admit now from my depression and the drug use that my house was a mess, but at that time I was in denial. They had every right to tell me what they did about how my kids should not have to be subjected to such living conditions and yet I didn't want to hear it. I knew I was a good mom. I was just in a rut at the moment. It wasn't so much the house was messy but more that it was empty with not much sign of life. The cat's litter box was in the boys' room that I was sharing with them. I decided to keep the kids and my quarters separated in the house so that I had some sort of sanity left in feeling like I was a family with them. It didn't matter that we all stayed in that room with the doors closed. It was simply a way to co-habitate so that I didn't have to rely on my family continuously for support. I felt safer that the cat and I stayed in the boys' room together away from Todd.

As the cop left, I remember sitting on the couch feeling so empty inside. I remember thinking to myself, "and on my son's birthday of all days." It was the first time I had actually seen Todd arrested for his activity and yet I had no concern for him, only for my kids. The quiet air was all I could hear. What would I do with myself between that time and the time to get the kids from school? There was no life without those boys there. I wanted to pick them up sooner, but didn't know what I would say to them just yet. So I just sat there.

At that next moment there was a knock on the door. I was hesitant to open it for fear of another drug addict or cop looking for Todd. When I looked out the window there stood on the porch a soft faced woman holding a baby. I could tell she was older than I was. I had not ever seen her before, but this wasn't surprising since I was usually cooped up in that hell of a house and didn't socialize with anyone outside of Todd's circle. I felt a little embarrassed when I opened the door, but this passed as soon as she asked me if I was okay. She stated that she couldn't help but notice cops at my house from view of her window. I'm not sure how long she had been living across the street, in fact from what I remember the house looked vacant and had no life in it - almost like the one I was suffering in myself.

When she asked if there was anything she could do, my heart sank and the floodgates were opened with the love God was giving me through her presence. I was overwhelmed with the feeling that it was Jesus who was the one standing right there in her place and was holding His hands out to me. My emotions were so strong in return I felt my spirit literally fall down on my knees at His feet as I said, "Yes, could you please pray for me?" I then noticed that there were tears welled up in my eyes and that I had wept as I said those simple words without any thought. At that moment her eyes softened even more as they filled with tears. Her response had no words. She asked me my name and took my hands as she prayed. I don't even remember if she knew what had happened or why but I do remember how I was shaking and trembling through fear. I then felt Christ's love through the Spirit who comforted me and let me know He was listening. That He was glad that I had finally come to Him and that I received His special messenger that day. That everything would be okay, but that it would take some time. That through Him, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

After she left I felt a sense of hopefulness and began to realize something. From the time Todd left me, I thought I what I wanted and needed to be happy again was for my marriage to be repaired and back to normalcy without the desire or lifestyle influenced by drugs. I learned that in my heart that I already had the key to happiness all along. Thereafter I did try to influence Todd with what God was telling me, but I saw no results and decided that I would pursue without him. I am grateful every day that He never let the drug use get larger than the love I had of Christ. However at that time I didn't realize that I needed to actively seek God each and every moment of the day in order to receive guidance and strength. I just thought He was only there when I needed Him most and that my calling on Him at those times would be sufficient just as it did the day the perfect stranger came. Eventually I learned that I must move forward and continue to seek Him in order to get my children out of the mess I've let them live in, but God was right. It did take time.

I will never forget how much love I felt from God that day. It was my turning point and at that moment I knew my answer to all happiness. Seek God. It seems so easy, doesn't it? Looking back my relationship in the past with God was always one that was held in crisis situations. I didn't really understand that I needed commit to walk with God and really submit to Him in order to be truly happy. It has been a long time coming to finally figure this out. It can be hard work to keep on top of it every day, but it is so worth it. I think He sends these perfect strangers to us more than we know so that we will learn how He works through them for our sake. Without this experience I would never have grown. God has a perfect and strange love for me that I will never truly understand but just for a moment on that day I was given a small taste of what is is store for me when I meet with Him once again and it excites me to no end!

Motherhood and Working - My Balancing Act

It is inherent that only after a few days of not reading the Bible nor listening to praise and worship on radio I am and have become lost in feeding the spirit. Already have I gone astray and not even realized this until now. So feeling emotionally down from it all can be a benefit in my realizing where I am at - go figure. I feel emotionally super tired and super overwhelmed in life. Maybe this is more prominent that I am sick and fatigued - sure I have an excuse to be lazy about getting into God's word - but really there isn't any excuse. To pick up the Bible would take just as much effort as hitting the button on the remote and watching TV. My head is full of nothing but goo either way and I know there is always room in there for prayer.

This morning I was at work and it was one of the many times in the past few months that I just simply wanted to weep as I missed my daughter. I thought about her and how she cried this morning that she was tired. I remembered yesterday morning when I informed her we were staying home for the holiday and how her little eyes lit up. I find that Mondays I hyper focus on the time I spend away from my daughter. But it doesn't stop there...my emotions inevitably turn into more hyper focusing on everything especially in what I need to face at work. I then don't want to meet with my customers and secretly hope they would call and reschedule. It all starts in the morning each time too. I don't want to leave my bedroom - I feel safe there. This has happened on several occasions. It reminds me of my days of agoraphobia yet so different. It scares me.

Why God? What then are you putting on my heart? I asked you to put me in a job that was worth my time doing if I were to be away from Savannah, yet here I am and am so totally unhappy. Does my not wanting to get out of bed to come to work have to do with Savannah or is it just that I am not happy doing what I am doing at work? Am I justifying the need to stay home with Savannah for this reason? Am I just being lazy?

A few weeks ago after fasting you gave me courage and knowledge that I cannot explain that made a tremendous change in how I viewed my job and was able to perform. But why did this not last? Why am I feeling back to where I was previously? What Lord, am I to do with this? Can you help to show me the way? If I am to help the poor and disabled, why then can I not be more patient as I get to know them and learn to work with them? Why are some days easier than others? Am I wrong in pursuing keeping my employment instead of being at home with my child and you just haven't told me? Or am I not listening? You know me Lord, I am not good at making changes. If you have told me I may not have listened too afraid of the change.

Just like my mom's puppy that I watched over this weekend, you have been there - incessantly and loyally by my side keeping me warm and comforted. Yet there are times I don't pay attention to you. But when I call to you - just like that puppy - you always come back and with great enthusiasm just for me. While I know You love me, I still don't understand why. So I know you are listening.

Lord, I am not great at vocalizing my prayers and you know this, but please listen to my heart as well as my words here. Am I fighting for what I want as a mother and you are fighting for what you need as God? I know there is reward in my public career so why can't I keep the vision of the reward as I do Your reward? I would rather spend time with my kids than trying to help a population that is almost beyond help. But You have put me here to do this, I know, and I know You know I can do it. But why don't I have the desire to?

Am I feeling this way more so now than ever because Savannah is starting school this year? I know I have many regrets for all three of my children and not being there for them so many times when I could have, but I thought I had accepted the reasons. Did I not ask for forgiveness for the times I should have when I wasn't doing what a mother should? If so I don't recall your prompting me to but now I am really learning from them. After 20 years I've worked and been a mom, this is impressing me now more than it ever has. You have put me here in this job long ago, and with a good plan, but why does it not seem to "fit" any longer? Have I been disobedient to you and am now learning the hard way?

In reading other mother's blogs today I am finding that they are not what I thought - just stay at home moms that is. They are lawyers and writers and home schooling moms who have the chance to work around life with their kids, not their kids having to have life around their work. Since they are working nonetheless, then why do I feel so picked on? Is it that they made their choice of what they are doing prior with having a family and children in mind? Is it that what they do they can be more personal with You in their work where I cannot cross those lines with the public sector? Why do I compare myself to other mothers when I know it is wrong? Is my dream to be both mother and employee as equally as the other unrealistic? Would there be a chance that I could work part time? Why am I in such a need for something to change? And why is it that at the end of the day all feels okay? Is it because my kids are at my side and I cherish the time I do have with them?

I admit I may have too much time to think at work which causes me to tear at emotions and desires...so please help me to be patient as things progress I know this will change.I can't help but seek balance for all. Please Lord can you give me any indication of what I am doing here and where should I be going? What is going on inside me and this balancing act I am fighting with? And if there is nothing to be revealed just yet, then I pray that you would help me to be patient. Please Lord, I am struggling. I pray that you will fill me with your Word so that I am with You and walking again. Always walking, no matter how tired or sick I may feel.

Intervention

I can't explain it. I just know what I know. People may think I'm crazy but I know I am not. I have been before, crazy that is, but there is a difference between becoming clinically psychotic and true feelings and visions of super natural things. Thing is I don't always listen to what is being told to me when I have these feelings or promptings.

It is only now that I am learning to adhere to these instances as they happen. Looking back at the dreams I have had over the past year I now realize they can be used to interpret what actions I should be taking in my life. I feel it is God's way to speak to me using visions and metaphors so that my human mind will "get" it and make needed changes!

It was about 5 years ago that I was driving home from work when this overwhelmingly heavy feeling that something "big" was going to happen. It was something big and life changing yet I didn't discern if it would be for good or for worse. As I drove I felt pressure on my shoulders letting me know to prepare. But prepare for what? I finally concluded that I must prepare to lose something close to me but that it was supposed to happen and that I would be okay. So somehow I assumed to be watchful for my husband thinking that something would happen to him while he was driving home at night. So I prepared myself for the thoughts of it happening and waited for something to happen. Two days later the premonition came in a very different way.

My dad died. It was Good Friday. It was a beautiful morning - one that I will always remember. The air was full of spring and the birds were chirping and reminded me of all the other spring mornings when Dad would say, "Good Morning!" to me while looking up from his newspaper and silly reading glasses. It was his day. He was finally free from pain and depression that he was suffering from. That is when mine began.

Now that time has passed and he's moved on in heaven and I've moved on too. That day to me now is remembered no longer in grief but in a different light. But I still wonder why I didn't know what God was telling me. I don't think I knew how to listen or even more important how to ask Him what the feelings were. Maybe it was that I didn't want to know? I remember a dream I had a few nights before my fathers death occurred. I woke up after dreaming I had called my mother to tell her I had a night mare she had died. I did not think anything of it and just went about the same business of what I was feeling while awake. I still insisted that something was going to happen to me or my direct family but not my immediate family. I was completely incorrect.

I have had other experiences in life with people dying and my receiving super natural messages, only these were after they were gone. My uncle died of colon cancer just prior to my first marriage ending in 1996. I was living at my parents at the time and remember how sick he was and we all knew it could be at any time that he would go. The night it happened I woke up in a sweat and unable to breathe with panic attacking me. I didn't know why or what I was dreaming but just after I got over it the phone call came. We were told he had passed and at the exact time I had the panic attack.

Another instance happened when I was reading the newspaper at my parents. Often when I'd stop by to visit them I'd lounge back and read their newspaper. Being a single mom, I never really wanted to spend the money on my own subscription. I would always look at the comics and the classifieds, you know the important stuff. Well one day out of the blue I was prompted to look at the obituaries before anything else. There I found a good friend in there that I had a relationship with in past employment. It was odd to me to think of her as gone, but I got the feeling she wanted to tell me good bye and that she held me dear to her heart. She wasn't very old either. About a month or two later the same instance happened and it was that same friend's mother. I knew the both of them. I remember feeling that they were letting me know what happened to them, but I also admit I didn't dig very deep and accepted that it was just chance. I have only held in the back of my heart that it was really much more than that.

About a few years later I had this great urge to write a letter to an old friend who was living with us for a while and was really there for me when I needed some one to talk to. He needed a place to stay and at the time my ex husband was living a lifestyle that I did not take to. He was gone all the time out dealing drugs or hanging out with druggies and never home. He had left me about a month before this friend started living with us as he needed a place to stay. Turns out I needed him there more than he needed to be there. Long story short, this friend really helped me in such a great way that it made an impression in my life and what I went through at that time. One day I felt pressure of memories and thoughts that reminded me of him and led me to write him a letter. Prior to finishing the long letter, word came to me that he had killed himself the week before. I was devastated that he didn't ever really get to know what he meant to me as a friend. But somehow I know he knows.

I have pondered and pondered how things like this are present in my life. Not only in the past, but what has been happening of recent. At the time I didn't think anything of them but somewhere in the back of my heart I believe that the people we have encountered in life who have passed are simply remembering us while entering heaven. They communicate to us feelings because we really made a difference to them and they to us while they were here. These "accounts" are given before the Lord who is recognizing what is held in hearts of the living that are still treasurable of them and their time spent here on earth. And it is at that time of their passing when God's hands reach down to our hearts right at that very moment when we feel it. He uses us so that He may create something beautiful to put on their crown that is to be placed on their head at judgement day.

In addition to instances with loved ones that have passed, I have very vivid and meaningful dreams about my own life. About a year after my dad had passed I started drinking and smoking and each year it progressively got worse. With this also came recurring incubus of people or things killing me and I would sit straight up in bed swearing to my husband of shadows in the room and would scream in horror. I thought it was just because of my dad dying and my not dealing with it, but now know it was warning signs to me about what hell consists of and that I may end up there some day if I don't change my ways.

I started to attend church with my family from the prompting of my husband. It was about the same time and thereafter is where I started having true conviction. I think hearing the word of God at church in addition to wondering where and why God took my dad really got me to thinking about what life is about and where do I fit in the picture? I felt lost and at first thought if I stopped going to church it would alleviate my convicted nature.

It's only been since last November that I have completely stopped having the night terrors. This past year I have learned to reason with God about my convictions and to ask Him for help. I have asked Him to show me ways out and He has given them to me. The dreams I have had during this past year He gave to me over and over again until I got it. They were recurring and consisting of my driving in a car for which I could not stop the brakes. I finally decided I needed to interpret the dreams and really started to back off what was giving me conviction and started changing my life with God's help. The car represented my life and my not being able to stop was going to lead me into a wreck.

Since then these dreams have changed. I am now driving in a car for other reasons and am never trying to stop but end up in odd places that have different meanings to me at the time I am dreaming them. I also realize that the people in my dreams are very significant signs as well. I have had so many dreams these past few months that I could write a book about them. I know now that they are signs from God, that he communicates to me in what direction my life may be heading and I am usually given promptings of what to look for and to seek from Him in order to move forward.

I'd like to share of a dream I had this morning. I was driving and Jake was in the passenger seat. We were driving on the same road we drive on every day out where we live but the road was surrounded by vibrant green grass- it was as if a rainstorm just occurred and gave life to all the vegetation. The sky was a bit gray and foggy, but it was beautiful and we could not see far ahead of us. Jake was telling me where to turn and where to go and Savannah was in the back seat, but it wasn't her, it was like a hologram of her or a thought of her. Just at the moment Jake no longer knew where to go, I woke up. I have interpreted this dream to mean that our children (not mine, but all children) think they know the directions in life but are depending on us parents to drive them there. Just prior to this dream I had dreamt that Charlie and I were in a group of adults that were asked to create an anti-venom for snakes that were around, and that it was "up to us" to protect our children from the devils servants with the medicine we created.

The dreams stem from a recent presentation we attended at our church about an opportunity for being involved to participate in the vision of LifeStation, a Christian organization designed for the future youth. Our old church building is in need to relocate or be completely restored but thus far we haven't enough finances to make a final decision. We all have been praying about it, and a miraculous option has derived to us in pursuit that we could be the "sponsor church" to assist in the initial phase of this organization's vision for where we live.

I believe the dream I had today is revelation from God that we, our small "insignificant" church congregation, have been given an opportunity to start something no one has done before, but that it is up to us to do this for our children. That it would be something "big" and is His will. Like when my father died I didn't know what to foresee, but knew that something "big" was about to happen. I still don't comprehend how something like this could become real, but God can. I can't deny that the folks at church have all been feeling the same "big" pressure of some thing's about to change the past few months. Like me they all have been saying, "We just don't know." Yet we knew God's work has been at hand. To see the fruit that has just started to reveal itself from our prayers is a bit overwhelming I must say. I can't even describe to you what is going on here, but it is the power of God.

It will be interesting to see what dreams come ahead as time goes on...God works in the most mysterious ways, doesn't He? I pray that He will continue to give me revelation as well as the others so we know what His plan is and that we as parents, adults, grandparents, and a community know how we can drive our children to God's hands in safety. I just pray.