Conversing with God

It has been a month since I was finally diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and Hypermobility Syndrome. This last month hasn't been too bad pain wise and now that I have answers I think there has been less stress - which is a common trigger for FM. It has been an agonizing year and a half to say the least of not knowing why I was hurting the way I was or how to communicate it to people without getting a lot of unwanted advice. But here I am today and have decided to just be positive. Of course this is always easier when the pain is minimal.

But what I want to focus on more than anything is how much I love our God, how amazing He is to love us. This morning I was contemplating with the Lord on my trust in Him. That why whether or not I feel people think I am crazy for not trying the latest and newest prescriptions for my condition should matter. Do I really trust in Him and if I do why am I stopping myself from telling them that He is part of my life in this and in everything? Is He part of every bit of my life or do I just like to think so?

The scripture hits me hard, "Matt 10:33 But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven." - I then admit to my Father I realize I have denied Him so by not professing His name out loud when I share my hope and feelings. That I have kept Him hidden and only sharing bits and pieces. Sure people know I am Christian but I am I bringing Christ to them? I'm pretty good at expressing all my love to Him personally and quietly in prayer or in a blog but when will I grow outwardly in my expression? When will these thoughts and feelings from my heart grow on the outside for all to really hear and see? Yes, I've been pondering this one a while now and today I realized it really does matter to be bold.

So as I was thinking this I was prompted to ask myself, "When people ask me how I am treating my FM do I give them the answer based on what they think? On who they are or what they do or don't believe in?" I then confess to Him that yes, I have been. That to those I know in the Church I tell them with vitamins/supplements, sleeping techniques and of course relying on the Lord. But yet when someone else asks me I tell them the same but leaving the last part out and replacing it with "for personal reasons." 

"Am I really relying on the Lord?" I thought. Then I asked the Father to help me be honest and if I am not trusting in Him to help me grow bold enough to talk about Him to those that may not know Him and to grow my faith into trust. I still remember His words not too long ago when He said "We will walk you through this..." - and I know my loving Father in Heaven that if I am not bold now He will teach me to become bold.

I love it when I have a conversation with the Lord and then later something pops up in relation to what I have been discussing with Him. He is so awesome in His timing that today at lunch and after all I had conversed with Him this morning the conversation came back all over again as if He was sharing with me personally. It happened when I began reading the weekly Pentecostal Evangel magazine. The first page began an introduction to articles of people with chronic pain or illnesses and their testimonies concerning relying on the Lord and how they were healed because of their faith in Jesus.

And I just smiled as I knew the Lord was still conversing with me...walking me through. Just as He promised.

Gearing Up

So I read James 1 5-8 from The Message and find that I am truly inspired yet again by the  living Word of God. 

"If you don’t know what you’re doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You’ll get his help, and won’t be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who “worry their prayers” are like wind-whipped waves. Don’t think you’re going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open."

It really speaks to me. It is a clear reminder of God's instruction to not be wishy washy. If we don't act like we believe we certainly aren't believing. In reading this I am convicted as I know I worry a lot in my prayers. Instead of letting my Amen be said, I have continued to spend time worrying about the very thing I am praying about even after I have just prayed! No wonder why it takes so long for my prayers to be answered! God waits on me to believe.

There are many prayers in my life right now that I have no doubt and am bold in belief, so why do I struggle with others?

This is the battlefield. Time to go back to The Book and gear up.

It's been a long time...

I caught myself reading my blog here today. It is amazing how in just moments I became inspired with what I wrote! If I hadn't known I was reading my own blog I wouldn't have been able to tell you that these posts came from me...in fact I don't even recollect those feelings ever existed in me to write such wonderful things. But now just as soon as I obey allowing God to open my heart - everything I know of the Truth and Love all comes pouring back in. See how long it has been?

Over the last 8 months I have regretfully let myself become distracted with being lazy in my walk. I am the only one to blame knowing that I have distanced myself from the Lord. And it is sad that I knew it would happen all along...just letting the light become more and more dim each day. I have been ignoring the promptings from what I know to keep myself built up - I stopped going to church, I stopped associating with the people from church, I stopped reading my Bible, and I stopped blogging about my walk. However I didn't stop believing. I know He still keeps watch on me and that I am truly unhappy when I don't keep near Him. Why then do I seem to continue on this path of life with the struggle to wander off from time to time?

Where did my zealousness go? When did my drive and excitement for life through the church of Jesus Christ leave? I am reminded of how my mother so long ago told me to keep encouraged, that I have a gift for writing. But my gift is not for writing, it is for living in the Light. We all have this gift. And yes, we must be encouraged to remain in it. This is why we need others in our lives at all times who are on the same walk with God. They may be at a different time in their walk, but they are walking just the same. I read in Ecclesiastes 4:10 "If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up." So for my mom to have said this to me is something I will never forget and it is what has kept me inspired to keep this blog especially lately when I haven't felt I have lived a well enough life to tell about it.

Reflecting through these past few months, I realize I am still learning and growing. Maybe I am not so stagnant after all? I found that when I am not sinning I do better to recognize the enemy's voice coercing me to sin. This is something I think the Lord needs me to do believe it or not. To recognize when I am being tempted and to continue to seek Him for strength. And how could I know this if I hadn't been tempted in the first place? I don't always listen to take note and hear the enemy's voice so many times I never knew what was going on really, I just listened to it and followed it.  The enemy thrives on my shortfalls and tries to bring me down each and every time. Satan makes it sound so appealing but then I am reminded of how in sin I feel horrible and dirty so much to the point that I am drawn to be nearer to the Lord. And yes, just like my father my Heavenly Father has to teach me the hard way to get me to listen.

Just like Satan who doesn't give up on tempting me, Jesus too never gives up on me. It is up to me to seek and listen when he responds to my prayers. I find that I am starting to be able to admit that I cannot do this alone and that in itself opens my heart for His love. (Part of my struggle has been allowing Satan leading me to believe my prayers are insignificant and that I should not be worthy to even have them, but that is another lesson I am still learning and will probably write about some time during this journey.)

I have been allowing my thoughts to become depressed thinking aobut reaching the last year of my third decade. I feel old and that I have wasted so many good years of my life not knowing God therefore where can I go now? Will I be strong enough to pursue living a life that pleases him? Why couldn't I have chosen the path early in life like so many others? I've allowed my self to feel that I haven't accomplished anything for God's sake so where will my next half of life mean for anything if I spend it learning how to become Christ like. I felt I should be mature in my faith by now so that I could be the role model for my daughter that I wasn't for my boys so many years ago. I realize this is again the enemy getting at me. He tries to trick me into thinking I am not good enough for my Heavenly Father that He would even want me. I sometimes agree with him that I shouldn't try to be someone I am not. And then I know better. I know I am a child of God and that he loves me. I know that Jesus encourages me to live my life for God and do all that I can to strive to be better, but that He also loves me the way I am. And so my battle here is perfection. I am led to believe that I need to be fully worthy in everything I do in order to gain His love at all, but that isn't true.

I meant only to post a short amount here but as you can see much more emotions and spirit is coming forth than I had thought would and as I write this I picture myself starting all over in the morning with the last 8 months I have wasted to be past me, yet it is much harder than that. I know tomorrow I will still be struggling with keeping my life on the path near God, but He is always there in every morning's light. In my thoughts, my prayers, and my heart. I realize how important church is in order to stay encouraged and in the Love He has given us, that the fellowship with others really makes this life more bearable for the time we are here. The strength that it gives us to hold fast against temptation and the beauty it brings to our life, our words, and our thoughts. (Even in blogging!) I pray that I will return back and no longer allow myself to be tricked thinking I am a stranger feeling out of place.

This lifetime of mine is only a day of His eternity, and while I have this inspiration this very moment to write and share my walk's experience, I also know I must truly learn to be careful. He listens to my cry from the path across Him, He is waiting for me to come toward the light during this dark period. And I can't help but be tempted to feel I have failed because yet again he is waiting for me. I start to wonder how many times I do this before he will not wait any longer. Then I reminded of the story He gave about forgiveness and how many times a person shall be forgiven and I also remember the scriptures that tell me the Spirit and that God's love will never leave once we accept the Lord. (Romans 8:9-11 & 8:38 )

I love the Lord. I Thank Him for His love for me. I am a child of God.

"For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow."
~ James 1:3, NLT

Don't close your eyes!

Savannah, my daughter, always sends keen messages to me. Messages that remind me I am a daughter of God.

The other afternoon she and I were at our new church. It was after a luncheon given to those that are new to the congregation. She grabbed my hand, and said, "Mom, I have a surprise. Close your eyes and hold my hand." I instantly replied, "I can't close my eyes or I might trip!" She said back to me, "I will hold on to you." She then led me into another room, had me open my eyes and then pointed to a baby crawling in the foyer. She said, "See. Look!"

It was the cutest thing. Of course Savannah loves babies. Who doesn't. But the message that hit me here was when I said, "I can't close my eyes or I might trip!"

This is so true! I have been battling many spiritual warfare and even slipped some away from the Gospel because I have been shutting my eyes rather than keeping them open where I can remain in a cautious state of mind.

But Savannah's second message occurred to me...that even though my eyes were shut, Christ still held my hand all the way through. Leading me and making sure I didn't fall!

I thank my Heavenly Father for the gift of His son and the Holy Spirit for always being near and reminding me of the Gospel so that when I don't "feel" near I remember my faith and am given a renewed hope to continue forward.

John 14:17 (Amplified Bible)
"The Spirit of Truth, Whom the world cannot receive (welcome, take to its heart), because it does not see Him or know and recognize Him. But you know and recognize Him, for He lives with you [constantly] and will be in you."

John 14:26 (Amplified Bible)
"But the Comforter (Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, Standby), the Holy Spirit, Whom the Father will send in My name [in My place, to represent Me and act on My behalf], He will teach you all things. And He will cause you to recall (will remind you of, bring to your remembrance) everything I have told you."

Another message that has struck me well this week after my Bible reading is of how can I expect God to remain near me when I am not near Him?

James 4:8 (New Living Translation)
"Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world."

Thank you Lord for your word and your guidance through Christ and your Holy spirit! I pray I will remain obedient and thirsty for your life and love. May the enemy have no power over me!

Prayer Request

So here I am. It has been a while. I find I usually do not want to write here in this blog unless I am completely and whole heartedly on the right side of my walk - meaning when I am in awe of the spirit and led to write about the awesome things. I feel led today though to share where I have been. I have been in need to identify and deal with what I am going through rather than waiting painstakingly for this season to pass.

However today I want to remind myself that just because the name Christian has Christ in it, does not mean we are perfect. I need prayer and what better way to ask for it than to post a request here?

So here I am, struggling with sin and have allowed to let my walk go by the wayside. I read others' blogs and they are always so in tune with God and His Word, I begin to wonder what is wrong with me? Why do I feel the need to also post the times I am in battle.

I thought at first I was going through spiritual warfare, but today I know I am simply being convicted. I so badly wanted to live my life differently 2 years ago and then when I started this walk it was so awesome I never thought I would allow anything to interfere with my relationship with God.

Boy was I wrong. I have tripped up with sin. Sin of slothfulness, coveting, worrying, and lack of self control.

Sure I can blame it on our moving, I can blame it on the stress, I can blame things all I want but reality is that I am allowing my walk to go on the wayside. I say allowing because I am not over this yet, I have a lot of work to do. But I need prayer to start with. Prayer allows God to move, this I know.

In comparison to what I see other Christians write I realize that this is because as a Christian we are to lift each other up, and that those I read online are probably doing very well in their walk. They are great influences and examples to me. But I still wonder, does anyone have these struggles too and just does not write about them?

As I am working on these issues in my walk, I know with Christ there is always a renewed hope each morning, therefore today I am hopeful. Today I will pray rather than worry. Today I will be joyful and be obedient.

Yes, I sometimes need to take life, but more importantly my walk with God, one day at a time, not every day is perfect for me. Not every day have I tried either. Please pray that I may have and keep my faith and obedience just for today.

On growing...

Just like a baby, there are many stages of growing in LIFE. I am beginning to find this is true to growing in Life with Christ. Yet last October I thought I was as far as I was going to go with God. When I started that desert trip I thought for sure there was nothing more for me. But I kept faith and now know I was wrong to think that. Today I am reflecting on a newfound stage of my growth and finally understand what it means to be on the potter's wheel!

I admit that before I came into the truth and chose to live for God, I thought in doing so life would be easy -that those who go to church doing Godly things have no worries and are without conflict. Some of this is true for me - but only while living in Faith. It is like how my brother Marty put it to me long ago, "As long as you do what you are supposed to do things will be alright." I think what he meant to say was as long as you choose right over wrong, God will be there.

This new life is anything but easy for me. Don't get me wrong, there are peaceful, joyful, fulfilling times - mountaintops if you will - when I am listening, obeying, and walking with Him. But in order to grow there are also times God lets go of my hand during our walk so that I may learn to seek Him even when the Spirit isn't present. Needless to say I have learned greatly about how to trust and keep faith these past few months...and here comes more obedience on my part.

I am battling spiritual warfare, but over time it gets just a tiny bit lesser and lesser. I know that God is constantly molding and shaping who I am in Christ. My Pastor put it to me in such an easy way to understand, he said that Satan works overtime on us Christians once we start following Christ. Satan doesn't want me to win. That when I wasn't following Christ and constantly living in sin without conviction or repentance there was no reason for Satan to focus on me. But now there is - big time.

It isn't a daily battle, but I do tend to get impatient with myself for not being who I wish to be in Christ "now." I am tricked to wishing to be perfect when Satan tells me things like how I will never be perfect or good enough for Christ. Yes I have bad habits that developed over the years from not knowing any better. I find I see them now almost constantly, and while being convicted of them is bothersome, it is the only way to get rid of them. Satan, of course, takes his part in magnifying them to try to bring me down, but I choose disregard the negativity and trust in the Lord. I know I am right where the Lord wants me and that no matter what I am doing I am who I need to be during this time in my life and that He is changing me taking gentle time shaping and forming me on his pottery wheel. (Jeremiah 18)

I am learning this year to know Christ. I have always believed in Him, but I didn't really know Christ the way I do God and the Spirit - I didn't have a relationship with Him. Now that I do, I want to know Him more and more each day. He has asked me to come to Him. Of course I want to ask Him exactly how, when, and what to do. But I know this answer and so I pray that I continue to be patient with my growth, get into His Word every day, obey when I am convicted, and truly repent.

I know that living on this earth in this temporal body is so different than what it will be with the Lord in heaven - so when I live with Him in Spirit here - I admit I become anxious and want it all the time. I want to see what He has in store. Can you imagine all the beauty we find from Him here on earth mulitplied? I am human. I long to hurry and be with Him when and where I can, but have learned this will all take time and that He does have a plan for me - eternity.

The answer.

Seeking guidance this morning with prayer. His voice and word "repent" came to me.

I have made many mistakes in my life. Many too quick decisions.

I try to say things and they come out wrong. Am I illiterate or is it that I speak before I think? Like my writing I am impatient to proof read my thoughts and whilst in the emotion of something I feel it is right and must be heard or not heard at all.

I am wrong.

I am learning.

I have hurt family and never meant to. I did not use wise judgement and seek God's help with the situation and ask Him what I should do with it.

I reacted to something I thought was an act of vindictiveness to me about something but should have not. Something just recent. It brought back feelings of old that were stored away and that I thought were no longer there.

I try to justify that I need be heard but really I need to pray and let Him hear me.

I failed at that. Just so you know. I do acknowledge this.

I am truly sorry and I realize this is probably too little too late. But in the Lord I always have hope.

Those of you that know who you are, I know you are close to God. Please pray for me - I seek answers but do not know how to always ask for them.

I am growing.

Yet I know thy word and seldom remember it when I need it most. I pray for getting better at this.

I fear I let some bitterness spark a very bad decision. Not anger, but bitterness. Thinking I needed to express that I was aware of something and wondered if there was an answer to it, I was prompted to make a move. Seeking resolution was what I thought was the right answer. I should have prayed and asked God what would Jesus do with this situation first instead of blurbing my feelings and opinions on others.

I so need thy word inscripted into my heart...especially at these times.

"Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: you must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires."

~ James 1:19-10, NLT

"Don’t sin by letting anger gain control over you, think about it overnight and remain silent."

~ Psalm 4:4, NLT

Repentance.

That is my answer. Prayer is my answer.

Thank you Lord, for always answering my prayers. Please help me to trust...like the man with the opressed son who said to Jesus, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

Thirsty and in the Desert

Have you ever been so connected with the Holy Spirit for a long period of time and enter a dry spell you are wondering if you did something wrong? I do, but I know this feeling is also a trick and I do not need to doubt the Lord as He has forgiven me my trespasses before I've even made them.

Yes, I am in a spiritual desert right now. I am thirsty, yet I know what I need to do to quench myself. But do I obey? No. I realize I am human and that it is up to me to feed the spirit. But I go on day by day, making little time for prayer and for reading my scriptures. Then comes the conviction. That is the beauty of the Lord, even conviction is a gift. Without it I wouldn't be seeking these questions or trying to sort through my feelings. I guess what I'm really seeking is guidance. But for what?

Where I don't know what I'm seeking - but I know the desert is wide and long spread, I wonder when and what will come next? Where do I read in the Bible? What do I pray? Everything is going really great right now in my life, I can't ask for better. Is this why I am suspicious something is going to happen? Lately when I do pray I have prayed for others. I praise for the current blessings in my life. But I still don't sense the presence of the Lord. And I need to be content with this and remember He will come when needed.

And as I am writing these words at this very moment, that still small voice instructs me to read anywhere...that there are no specifics...that I just need to trust. I hear this familiar voice and I want more. That is my being human. That is my mistrust and greediness. I want more, but I need be patient.

We are taught to have joy in tribulations in that it teaches us perseverance for growth. Do I want a tribulation? No, of course not. But when it does, I know the Holy Spirit will be there to lift me up in strengths I cannot explain. It is then that I will get to hear His voice. It will be overwhelming to me. When I think of times past and all that he has answered for me thus far, I remember to trust. I remember to be patient.

So I pray that just for today that you, Lord, are pleased with me and my efforts, that you will show me my next step in this walk. I am waiting for you Lord. Waiting. In the meantime please remind me of the time I need to pause to spend with you either reading, noticing all the beauty you've given around me, singing praise & worship to you, praying, writing, or offering a simple smile to a stranger. And Lord, I thank you for being so forgiving of any doubt that may cross my way, for I try earnestly to not listen to it and to always come back to you and the truth. I pray that you will prompt me to be a positive person, one that has no bad to say or judge of others. I am human and I need you Lord, without you I am nothing. Amen.

Old Convictions

I have heard that you are to immediately ask for forgiveness when you commit a sin. Well what if you didn't and you now have so many from the past that you still need to ask for forgiveness for? Just to share some back ground with you there are so many sins from my past. I am grateful to even be alive today to be able to ask for forgiveness from them. And just now as I type this I am comforted to know that Jesus loves me for asking forgiveness from Him.

My sins all started when I was 14. I began toying with the idea of drinking and getting attention by talking about it...it eased my shyness and helped me relax around the boy I thought was so cute. I actually persuaded and influenced the use of alcohol in the relationship and thought it was okay - if my dad enjoyed drinking then how could he disagree if I did it? This is the thought I had in my mind at the time. I used it as an excuse. I didn't even realize my dad had an illness called alcoholism. I was very naive but didn't ask questions either.

Then of course I became pregnant at 16 and was not married. At the time I thought it was okay as long as I "felt" those cozy emotions that love brings on. Of course I got married and did well the first year after baby Michael was born and was so in love with him that I didn't think of anything else. I didn't really commit much sin until a couple of years after that.

My husband wouldn't come home from work on an almost daily basis. Come to find out he was stopping at a friend's house on the way home and claim that he was waiting for his friend to come home work. Why then would one day when I knocked on the door of his friend's house would his friend's wife open the door in nothing but her bathrobe? And the first thing out of her mouth was that they were just talking about me? I was pregnant during that time with Jacob. I remember crying one night we were partying at their house and I wasn't drinking cause I was pregnant, but I remember him and her sneaking around the whole night and then asking me "what was wrong?" I remember not being able to wait until I was no longer pregnant so I could drink too and "feel" like I was back to normal. I was all but normal!

When Jacob was born he got really sick and what did I do Lord? I was easily influenced by my husband to leave town and get away from it all. I was not by the side of my baby boy. What Lord was wrong with me? Please Lord forgive me for this, I am so heartbroken because of it. And I praise you for taking him into your arms and saving his little life. I think I knew you would in the back of my heart but was still so distracted with the influence I had from my husband.

Lots of partying went on in order for me to "feel" comfortable being around all the people my husband at that time wanted to be around so I got pretty used to myself this way and liked who I was. I felt like I was fun to be around and outgoing. I never felt convicted of this however. Until now. Needless to say with drinking and partying comes about infidelity and indecent behavior and language. I was no angel and neither was he. I would flirt and try to get attention that I didn't really want and thought it was fun. For my husband he didn't ever have to drum up the courage with alcohol to do this like I did, he simply committed adultery. I never had proof, but know he did - didn't believe it until after we were apart. I was blind and naive.

I was so blind and naive that I actually thought I was happy in this marriage. I didn't understand why my husband left me at all. That is when I really sought you God, but my prayer was something I thought would be answered immediately. Little did I know your work. Please forgive me.

Then came the hard core drugs. This is the end of from the time I was married to about a 7 year period you could say. I was using meth and marijuana on an almost daily basis...as well as alcohol. I would spend meaningless time with strange people just to not feel alone. I did a lot of stupid things like driving under the influence with my children in the car. I even stole a necklace once thinking that if others got away with it so could I. Please God forgive me. I am so grateful that I didn't hurt those boys physically but emotionally I did. I am so distraught at my conviction. Please have mercy on me.

All the while my boys were staying nights at grandma's or at friends or even with me and at some of the most worst states of minds I could have. They would play with the other kids that were around at the time but never had good influential friendships with any of them since these kids were also facing the same dilemma. I neglected my children Lord and at the most influential time in their life too. I admit it fully. Please forgive me and take this shame away. Please help me to be a better mother.

I am so ashamed at myself. I am so ashamed. Please Lord forgive me for being so thoughtless and reckless with the life you have given me and the life I've given to my boys. I thank you for your salvation and for saving me...I have so many more past sins that I ask for forgiveness of and you know of them so I won't post here, but Lord I am honored by your grace and your blessings that you continue to give me regardless of my track record. Thank you dear God for sending your son, Jesus Christ, to bear the sins of the world. Mine alone are a burden I can't even bear, so I am so grateful. Amen.