Yielding to the Potter

Jeremiah 18:6New Living Translation (NLT)

⁶ “O Israel, can I not do to you as this potter has done to his clay? As the clay is in the potter’s hand, so are you in my hand."

In the Pastor's message last week called "Become Aware" he mentioned a good analogy stating, "Clay yields to the potter, it does not tell the potter how to form it." This struck me. I know that in my walk I often find times I want to take the wheel and "think" I am going the way I am supposed to, the way He wants me to but I have tricked myself into thinking that just because I go to church and believe I am going the right way, I am not allowing Him to work in me at all - not the way He wants to work in me.

Father help me to once again yield to you, help me to be moldable again. And when the time comes, just as the pot made of clay has a new form of use, help me to also be useful for your Glory. Amen.

Come to Me

I can still hear Him say,

"Come to Me."

Even though it was 3 years ago, I can still remember where I was, what I was thinking (which occurred to me later that I wasn't thinking, but was praying) and how His voice echoed in my heart as it still does to this day when he spoke those three words to me. So I asked Him, "How?"

I did not get my answer right away but from time to time I would ask Jesus, "I know you say to 'Come to Me', but how? How do I come to you?" And the thought of prayer occurred to me and I didn't do much other than acknowledge to myself that yes, prayer was how. After all, what else was there? And I left it at that and didn't seem to continue to pursue it any longer until I had struggles of course.

You see my whole prayer life has been only when I struggled, I didn't know how to pray at any other time other than when I was at my wit's end. So naturally this is why His timing seems so slow. It is because I have been slow in understanding His encompassing love and how to relate and converse with him in all things.

After this when praying I heard him speak, "I will show you," and "I will teach you." These words would burn deep in my heart and echo back to me when I had struggles, but yet I didn't even ask "How? How will you teach me and how will you show me?" any longer. I simply knew He would knowing all the answers were there in the Bible and seemed to be content with leaving it at that.

Then one night I was dreaming a vision of me in the front room of our house, and there sitting was a Bible wide open and the only words I could see plain as day in all capital letters were, "YOU WILL SEE" - and at the moment I read these words it was His voice speaking to me just as loud as if I were awake. No sooner than I read this, I quickly woke up and new God was confirming to me. But being in the flesh I thought, "Okay, someday I guess," and then the next day didn't think much of it since I didn't see any results and didn't take it too seriously.

Again another "my timing not His" and now hindsight is 20/20. God has His way of leading us to places we don't understand about until later....at least not for me. Is it just me that always seems to "get it" after the fact? So that brings me to where I am now in my walk...

We have been attending a new church for the last year and prayer and praying in the Spirit are something God wanted to show me through a Spirit filled church. I had no idea prayer could be so fulfilling on a daily basis. Most of all my other prayers in my life I didn't know how to tune in spiritually so as to hear and be comforted so quickly by the Spirit - let alone finding that others' prayers hit spot on without my telling them of things I needed prayer about. The true work of the Spirit is stronger than I ever have known and while it is something I am not used to, I am however very excited about growing it!

My prayer language has never really been developed. Its only been since January since I've been baptized by the Holy Spirit and even since then time spent with God praying in the Spirit is one that I knew was important but I didn't really make time for - I was listening to so many lies that praying was selfish.

I always knew the way to "come to Him" was through prayer but I never seemed to understand much more than that. Now I am learning in a much deeper way how to walk with Him by being able to "come to Him" -  and now I must continue to learn so that I may follow him as he says to me today, "Come to Me before you do anything."

He promised he would show me, and to teach to me, and while it isn't in the time I'd like it to be, it is something precious to know that He always keeps His word. I have not arrived at perfection by any means, but I can come to Him in a much deeper relationship than I had before - through Spirit, Son, and Father.

Gearing Up

So I read James 1 5-8 from The Message and find that I am truly inspired yet again by the  living Word of God. 

"If you don’t know what you’re doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You’ll get his help, and won’t be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who “worry their prayers” are like wind-whipped waves. Don’t think you’re going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open."

It really speaks to me. It is a clear reminder of God's instruction to not be wishy washy. If we don't act like we believe we certainly aren't believing. In reading this I am convicted as I know I worry a lot in my prayers. Instead of letting my Amen be said, I have continued to spend time worrying about the very thing I am praying about even after I have just prayed! No wonder why it takes so long for my prayers to be answered! God waits on me to believe.

There are many prayers in my life right now that I have no doubt and am bold in belief, so why do I struggle with others?

This is the battlefield. Time to go back to The Book and gear up.

Proverbs, a word from the wise.

I am always sorrowed when I hear so many speak of others with hurtful judgment, especially those within their own family. In the Church we are all taught to love and forgive, so when did these teachings stop? Christ associated himself with people from all walks of life. He knew that we are all equally sinners and no one was any better than another.

 

I admit that it seems easier to follow the path of the enemy and cast stones than it is to be loving to strangers and purposefully help show them a different way, but I also know that is what the enemy wants. He wants us to go the easy route, the route that seems right when in fact it is wrong. He tricks us many times again, when all we need to do is practice love. Who better to practice than Jesus himself?

 

Over the past few years I have learned that there are many times in the Bible that God had forgave the Israelites time and time again, but it got to a point where they no longer listened or heeded his fore warnings that he had no choice but to stop forgiving them.

 

I don't want to get to that point in my own life - the point of not being able to forgive. So I pray that I will only be refined when there is trouble in my family no matter who the terrible judgments and gossip are pointed at. I also pray that those who feel compelled to judge others would become refined in the process of doing so. I don't know how but know that God is always working with his children in His own will, His own plan.

 

Proverbs is a wise book of the Bible and offers so much advice...in fact here are just a couple verses I received through email that happened to be the verse of the day when things were getting pretty tough in life this past week. Imagine how awesome it is to know that God is there when he knows I need it most!

 

He who brings trouble on his family will inherit only wind, and the fool will be servant to the wise.

~Proverbs 11:29

Fire goes out without wood, and quarrels disappear when gossip stops.
~ Proverbs 26:20

 

No matter what may come from any direction, I will do my best to keep the Word close to my heart to know that the things I am going through are not things I will go through alone and that there is purpose for what is happening in my life. I pray for those who have feasted upon evil thoughts and things that entertain their minds would allow Christ to enter their hearts instead.

It's been a long time...

I caught myself reading my blog here today. It is amazing how in just moments I became inspired with what I wrote! If I hadn't known I was reading my own blog I wouldn't have been able to tell you that these posts came from me...in fact I don't even recollect those feelings ever existed in me to write such wonderful things. But now just as soon as I obey allowing God to open my heart - everything I know of the Truth and Love all comes pouring back in. See how long it has been?

Over the last 8 months I have regretfully let myself become distracted with being lazy in my walk. I am the only one to blame knowing that I have distanced myself from the Lord. And it is sad that I knew it would happen all along...just letting the light become more and more dim each day. I have been ignoring the promptings from what I know to keep myself built up - I stopped going to church, I stopped associating with the people from church, I stopped reading my Bible, and I stopped blogging about my walk. However I didn't stop believing. I know He still keeps watch on me and that I am truly unhappy when I don't keep near Him. Why then do I seem to continue on this path of life with the struggle to wander off from time to time?

Where did my zealousness go? When did my drive and excitement for life through the church of Jesus Christ leave? I am reminded of how my mother so long ago told me to keep encouraged, that I have a gift for writing. But my gift is not for writing, it is for living in the Light. We all have this gift. And yes, we must be encouraged to remain in it. This is why we need others in our lives at all times who are on the same walk with God. They may be at a different time in their walk, but they are walking just the same. I read in Ecclesiastes 4:10 "If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up." So for my mom to have said this to me is something I will never forget and it is what has kept me inspired to keep this blog especially lately when I haven't felt I have lived a well enough life to tell about it.

Reflecting through these past few months, I realize I am still learning and growing. Maybe I am not so stagnant after all? I found that when I am not sinning I do better to recognize the enemy's voice coercing me to sin. This is something I think the Lord needs me to do believe it or not. To recognize when I am being tempted and to continue to seek Him for strength. And how could I know this if I hadn't been tempted in the first place? I don't always listen to take note and hear the enemy's voice so many times I never knew what was going on really, I just listened to it and followed it.  The enemy thrives on my shortfalls and tries to bring me down each and every time. Satan makes it sound so appealing but then I am reminded of how in sin I feel horrible and dirty so much to the point that I am drawn to be nearer to the Lord. And yes, just like my father my Heavenly Father has to teach me the hard way to get me to listen.

Just like Satan who doesn't give up on tempting me, Jesus too never gives up on me. It is up to me to seek and listen when he responds to my prayers. I find that I am starting to be able to admit that I cannot do this alone and that in itself opens my heart for His love. (Part of my struggle has been allowing Satan leading me to believe my prayers are insignificant and that I should not be worthy to even have them, but that is another lesson I am still learning and will probably write about some time during this journey.)

I have been allowing my thoughts to become depressed thinking aobut reaching the last year of my third decade. I feel old and that I have wasted so many good years of my life not knowing God therefore where can I go now? Will I be strong enough to pursue living a life that pleases him? Why couldn't I have chosen the path early in life like so many others? I've allowed my self to feel that I haven't accomplished anything for God's sake so where will my next half of life mean for anything if I spend it learning how to become Christ like. I felt I should be mature in my faith by now so that I could be the role model for my daughter that I wasn't for my boys so many years ago. I realize this is again the enemy getting at me. He tries to trick me into thinking I am not good enough for my Heavenly Father that He would even want me. I sometimes agree with him that I shouldn't try to be someone I am not. And then I know better. I know I am a child of God and that he loves me. I know that Jesus encourages me to live my life for God and do all that I can to strive to be better, but that He also loves me the way I am. And so my battle here is perfection. I am led to believe that I need to be fully worthy in everything I do in order to gain His love at all, but that isn't true.

I meant only to post a short amount here but as you can see much more emotions and spirit is coming forth than I had thought would and as I write this I picture myself starting all over in the morning with the last 8 months I have wasted to be past me, yet it is much harder than that. I know tomorrow I will still be struggling with keeping my life on the path near God, but He is always there in every morning's light. In my thoughts, my prayers, and my heart. I realize how important church is in order to stay encouraged and in the Love He has given us, that the fellowship with others really makes this life more bearable for the time we are here. The strength that it gives us to hold fast against temptation and the beauty it brings to our life, our words, and our thoughts. (Even in blogging!) I pray that I will return back and no longer allow myself to be tricked thinking I am a stranger feeling out of place.

This lifetime of mine is only a day of His eternity, and while I have this inspiration this very moment to write and share my walk's experience, I also know I must truly learn to be careful. He listens to my cry from the path across Him, He is waiting for me to come toward the light during this dark period. And I can't help but be tempted to feel I have failed because yet again he is waiting for me. I start to wonder how many times I do this before he will not wait any longer. Then I reminded of the story He gave about forgiveness and how many times a person shall be forgiven and I also remember the scriptures that tell me the Spirit and that God's love will never leave once we accept the Lord. (Romans 8:9-11 & 8:38 )

I love the Lord. I Thank Him for His love for me. I am a child of God.

"For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow."
~ James 1:3, NLT

Living and Loving on Purpose

Matthew 15:36 "And he took the seven loaves and the fishes, and gave thanks, and brake them, and gave to his disciples, and the disciples to the multitude."

Being away from my family in Utah this Thanksgiving I knew would be hard. After all this first year away will pose all kinds of new situations. But we also knew when we moved here there was purpose for it happening, a purpose for God. While we don't always know what that purpose is, Christ is always discussing and conversing with God about us when we pray. With prayer comes action. I am thankful for prayer and the gift of love this season. For I am in need of both every day!

This year I will be learning to love outside of my family. To begin we have invited a family over for Thanksgiving dinner that is in need of some relief due to stress and a tight schedule. Charlie and I felt so inclined as to find a family such as this in our church body and offer them into our home - of course God pointed us right away to them but little did I know how much it would mean to them for us to do so. Iin fact, there was such an overwhelming feeling that came when the mother of the family and I realized that both of our prayers were answered at the same time. I can't even explain in words how awesome God works. My first experience in this type of love was joyful.

Today the spirit has laid two thoughts on my heart that I am now pondering on. They came to me while driving home after Beth Moore's bible study today. I am challenged by them. She talked about living life on purpose - so it got me to thinking about loving on purpose. Love is what brings life.

It has always been so easy for me to love my family, but I never knew how to love those that I was not related with. Well since we moved out here I knew I would be stretched for His glory, this was confirmed to me prior to arriving. Knowing there may not be a possibility of my blood family to come here, I prayed about it and had faith He had a plan.

Christ teaches us with his example from the verse above by giving to others and also thanking. We are all family and we ought to love one another as He has loved us. The first thing is to open my heart up for this desire and of course He knew the timing I would need for it. Living life on purpose means loving on purpose. I want to live and love on purpose just as Christ did. What else is this life for?

Prayer Request

So here I am. It has been a while. I find I usually do not want to write here in this blog unless I am completely and whole heartedly on the right side of my walk - meaning when I am in awe of the spirit and led to write about the awesome things. I feel led today though to share where I have been. I have been in need to identify and deal with what I am going through rather than waiting painstakingly for this season to pass.

However today I want to remind myself that just because the name Christian has Christ in it, does not mean we are perfect. I need prayer and what better way to ask for it than to post a request here?

So here I am, struggling with sin and have allowed to let my walk go by the wayside. I read others' blogs and they are always so in tune with God and His Word, I begin to wonder what is wrong with me? Why do I feel the need to also post the times I am in battle.

I thought at first I was going through spiritual warfare, but today I know I am simply being convicted. I so badly wanted to live my life differently 2 years ago and then when I started this walk it was so awesome I never thought I would allow anything to interfere with my relationship with God.

Boy was I wrong. I have tripped up with sin. Sin of slothfulness, coveting, worrying, and lack of self control.

Sure I can blame it on our moving, I can blame it on the stress, I can blame things all I want but reality is that I am allowing my walk to go on the wayside. I say allowing because I am not over this yet, I have a lot of work to do. But I need prayer to start with. Prayer allows God to move, this I know.

In comparison to what I see other Christians write I realize that this is because as a Christian we are to lift each other up, and that those I read online are probably doing very well in their walk. They are great influences and examples to me. But I still wonder, does anyone have these struggles too and just does not write about them?

As I am working on these issues in my walk, I know with Christ there is always a renewed hope each morning, therefore today I am hopeful. Today I will pray rather than worry. Today I will be joyful and be obedient.

Yes, I sometimes need to take life, but more importantly my walk with God, one day at a time, not every day is perfect for me. Not every day have I tried either. Please pray that I may have and keep my faith and obedience just for today.

Fine Tuning

Do you ever have one of those sleepless nights? Or two or three? How about two or three in a row? As soon as you lay your head down to sleep the noise begins?

I have been battling a bit of insomnia I'm afraid. I am sure a lot of it is due to my husband being away and my sleeping without him, but nonetheless it is mainly due to my allowing the enemy in to distract me with worry and try to rob me of the faith and trust I have in the Lord for the answers to prayers I've been seeking from Him.

Not sleeping, my head became like a communication tower moving large amounts of sporadic information through the air. It was as if my thoughts, or worries rather, came and went in the same manner my daughter tries to tune into her radio. I am sure you all know what that sounds like. A mess!

Unlike the radio in the car that has programmed digital tuning, my daughter doesn't understand that to find something she desires the dial must be moved slowly. Like her moving the dial back and forth, my mind was racing through the channels so fast that I was unable to process anything.

One of my favorite scriptures I would normally rehearse to myself of during a time like this is Philippians 4:6, NLT - "Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done."

I didn't, however, remember to recite this verse at the time. I was too caught up in the moment to even allow God to intervene. I allowed Satan to turn my intentions to pray into worry. I have always worried a lot as I am a deep thinker and everything filters when all is quiet around. But it has been a long time since I've done this - especially since I've learned how to commune with God. I am learning that while the Lord is in my heart I will find a constant battle with Satan who tries to get in my head to make me an ineffective Christian. Spiritual warfare has been quite a battle for me lately. The enemy knows when to get me and that is when I am tired! But I will not give up! I do trust the Lord and I am very grateful!

I find my communion with the Lord like the example of my daughter learning to tune her radio slowly to find clear connections. My conclusion is that in order to slow down and tune in, the key is keeping on top of the Word to prepare battles with the enemy in just the same manner Jesus did while tempted out in the desert. His response to the enemy's schemes were, "It is written" - what a great example He has given me! My goal this summer is to begin memorizing verses for this very reason. Before I was following I didn't understand the importance of memorizing verses but now I do!

In addition to "fine tuning" my communion, my daughter's radio has other lessons to teach me. She and I have both noticed that when I am helping her to tune the radio to find a station with good reception the reception becomes lost when I step away. I am sure this is due to the broken antenna, so I tell her to simply keep the radio close to her and it will work the way it is supposed to. The same is true for keeping myself close to God - I too am broken and need a Savior.

Through these sleepless nights I am reminded yet again of the importance of why I must remain close to the Lord and take the time to slowly move through the channels to find His answers and guidance. I am left with this reflection today and praying to the Lord to help me be patient to be slow and to tuning to His channel and to keep Him near granting me His graceful peace...and rest!

On growing...

Just like a baby, there are many stages of growing in LIFE. I am beginning to find this is true to growing in Life with Christ. Yet last October I thought I was as far as I was going to go with God. When I started that desert trip I thought for sure there was nothing more for me. But I kept faith and now know I was wrong to think that. Today I am reflecting on a newfound stage of my growth and finally understand what it means to be on the potter's wheel!

I admit that before I came into the truth and chose to live for God, I thought in doing so life would be easy -that those who go to church doing Godly things have no worries and are without conflict. Some of this is true for me - but only while living in Faith. It is like how my brother Marty put it to me long ago, "As long as you do what you are supposed to do things will be alright." I think what he meant to say was as long as you choose right over wrong, God will be there.

This new life is anything but easy for me. Don't get me wrong, there are peaceful, joyful, fulfilling times - mountaintops if you will - when I am listening, obeying, and walking with Him. But in order to grow there are also times God lets go of my hand during our walk so that I may learn to seek Him even when the Spirit isn't present. Needless to say I have learned greatly about how to trust and keep faith these past few months...and here comes more obedience on my part.

I am battling spiritual warfare, but over time it gets just a tiny bit lesser and lesser. I know that God is constantly molding and shaping who I am in Christ. My Pastor put it to me in such an easy way to understand, he said that Satan works overtime on us Christians once we start following Christ. Satan doesn't want me to win. That when I wasn't following Christ and constantly living in sin without conviction or repentance there was no reason for Satan to focus on me. But now there is - big time.

It isn't a daily battle, but I do tend to get impatient with myself for not being who I wish to be in Christ "now." I am tricked to wishing to be perfect when Satan tells me things like how I will never be perfect or good enough for Christ. Yes I have bad habits that developed over the years from not knowing any better. I find I see them now almost constantly, and while being convicted of them is bothersome, it is the only way to get rid of them. Satan, of course, takes his part in magnifying them to try to bring me down, but I choose disregard the negativity and trust in the Lord. I know I am right where the Lord wants me and that no matter what I am doing I am who I need to be during this time in my life and that He is changing me taking gentle time shaping and forming me on his pottery wheel. (Jeremiah 18)

I am learning this year to know Christ. I have always believed in Him, but I didn't really know Christ the way I do God and the Spirit - I didn't have a relationship with Him. Now that I do, I want to know Him more and more each day. He has asked me to come to Him. Of course I want to ask Him exactly how, when, and what to do. But I know this answer and so I pray that I continue to be patient with my growth, get into His Word every day, obey when I am convicted, and truly repent.

I know that living on this earth in this temporal body is so different than what it will be with the Lord in heaven - so when I live with Him in Spirit here - I admit I become anxious and want it all the time. I want to see what He has in store. Can you imagine all the beauty we find from Him here on earth mulitplied? I am human. I long to hurry and be with Him when and where I can, but have learned this will all take time and that He does have a plan for me - eternity.

On Moving

We have officially put our house up for sale. The time is right in that Charlie's job in Wisconsin is looking like he will get to remain working after his temporary assignment. I think a lot of things just happen as they should, in the order they should, and that is when I know it is God's will.

We were given an option of Charlie gaining a job out in Phoenix Arizona, however he and I both feel we are being tested. You see ever since Charlie's job was announced it would end a year and a half ago I was led by the spirit that we would be moving to wherever that was. I didn't think a lot about it as I mentioned in past posts other than a way to get out of some bad habits in life, but as time has passed and I have grown more in my walk with Christ I find that there is a different purpose He has for us.

Some people ask me if I really want to live there, and I know there is not a lot to do there or the weather is so extreme in the winter, but I do want to for reasons that people don't understand and I know we will succeed. I think of Phillipians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me." - We both have a really good feeling about the move especially after being led to go to a church out there. I get excited in anticipation of what the future holds for our little family. There is just so much more in this world than things to do and things to look at where you live, things that I cannot explain to someone that doesn't have a relationship with Christ. Doesn't mean our life will be perfect but as long as we have faith and trust in where He is taking us, it will work out fine.

I have to tell you about this God led church though. It isn't anything fantastic or hugely large, but it is an answer to a prayer and is God sent! You see I have been praying since Charlie left in April to find a church or some way for him to connect to being involed in church while he is out there so that if we do move out there this part will be in place. I don't think I could move and adjust to such changes without Christ in my life so it was important to me that we meet Him wherever we go and if Charlie got a head start on this part of it, I would know God's plan for us. Our church here too also prayed for this.

So one day I get a phone call from Charlie with ecstatic news, he was out in the company vehicle and got a flat tire. While he was waiting for the tire to be fixed he went across the street to Taco Bell to pass the time and he met up with a Pastor of a local church. We went to this church the next week and found it was only a 5 minute drive from his apartment. It was awesome and the sermon was geared to family and children. The people were very nice and very welcoming and since then Charlie has gone back. I can't wait until we go again and have Savannah go to the children's service.

So it is officially time to start this move, I trust in the Lord who is leading us and no matter where a person ends up living, life is full when He is present in your heart. My prayer is that our family will be closer in unity with Christ and as one and that we may grow in Christ there. And that by letting His will be done we will learn to always be obedient to the Holy Spirit.

A little inspiration from today's Sermon...

Hope was the theme for the 1st week of Advent at church today. This is one of my favorites. Without hope, I do not know that I could go on. Hope costs nothing. Hope wants nothing.

It is hard to believe it is already time to start the season for Christmas. I can't believe how the time has passed. With Christmas on its way it is a time for reminders. Reminders to me for renewed hope and along with it cheer, joy, peace, and love. I do not allow myself to worry about the worldly things of buying this or getting that gift. For that is not what Christmas is about at all, we all know it too. Sure I enjoy giving, but the best gift is the one I received. My Saviour.

This Christmas it is my hope to be consumed with the spirit.

"Feelings"

I don't always "feel" spiritual or worthy or clean but something that I was taught as a Christian is that feelings are not important, that the truth is. I know my flesh creates many emotions and some of them are catered by Satan, so I move forward. It may be going through the motions for me during this time but I know if I am obedient that I will still succeed. That I will get to another mountaintop. I don't know when but I will. I had a wonderful experience this morning with my husband that I want to praise God for. For it is something that I have had on  my heart and to have Him speak to him and for him to act upon his prompting, well it was special moment. I pray there will be more times like this. I pray that is all. I pray.

The answer.

Seeking guidance this morning with prayer. His voice and word "repent" came to me.

I have made many mistakes in my life. Many too quick decisions.

I try to say things and they come out wrong. Am I illiterate or is it that I speak before I think? Like my writing I am impatient to proof read my thoughts and whilst in the emotion of something I feel it is right and must be heard or not heard at all.

I am wrong.

I am learning.

I have hurt family and never meant to. I did not use wise judgement and seek God's help with the situation and ask Him what I should do with it.

I reacted to something I thought was an act of vindictiveness to me about something but should have not. Something just recent. It brought back feelings of old that were stored away and that I thought were no longer there.

I try to justify that I need be heard but really I need to pray and let Him hear me.

I failed at that. Just so you know. I do acknowledge this.

I am truly sorry and I realize this is probably too little too late. But in the Lord I always have hope.

Those of you that know who you are, I know you are close to God. Please pray for me - I seek answers but do not know how to always ask for them.

I am growing.

Yet I know thy word and seldom remember it when I need it most. I pray for getting better at this.

I fear I let some bitterness spark a very bad decision. Not anger, but bitterness. Thinking I needed to express that I was aware of something and wondered if there was an answer to it, I was prompted to make a move. Seeking resolution was what I thought was the right answer. I should have prayed and asked God what would Jesus do with this situation first instead of blurbing my feelings and opinions on others.

I so need thy word inscripted into my heart...especially at these times.

"Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: you must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires."

~ James 1:19-10, NLT

"Don’t sin by letting anger gain control over you, think about it overnight and remain silent."

~ Psalm 4:4, NLT

Repentance.

That is my answer. Prayer is my answer.

Thank you Lord, for always answering my prayers. Please help me to trust...like the man with the opressed son who said to Jesus, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

Prelude to a Monday Morning

In a perfect world my laundry would be put away...my house would always be vacuumed and free of pet hair...my coffee pot would always be full...and I would have enough time in the day to meet everyone's needs as well as my own.

But it is not a perfect world. If it were, what would there be to appreciate?

Why do I complain about these things but am able to appreciate them when they are done? I work. But even if I didn't, I would still wish for the same things. I guess work just feels like a lot of distraction to me most of the time. So I remind myself that it has so many rewards - the opportunity to help people using the resources our agency offers, the future it will help my husband and I when we retire, the health benefits my family receives, the ability for me to personally grow and influence others around me, and to be able to find friends in coworkers who also know God and to share with them something so wonderful in common. Not to mention the job where I am working was and has been truly a blessing in my personal life, but that is another story. A story where God really intervened in my life. I will have to tell it sometime!

Working full time I often find I compare my life to that of stay at home mothers. I do this while at work assisting the public, reading others' blogs online, seeing my neighbors, spending time with my family, and while getting to know others at church. Well okay, it's not often I compare - it's a lot. I then let the enemy create guilt which then turns to envy and then all together judgement. I start judging them, judging myself, and before I know it I've let all kinds of negativity in. After much self pity I realize what is happening and think, "Isn't it easier to focus on what I do have?" I may not have a lot of time - well okay "as much time" as I'd like to do what I want to do - but I try to make the most of what I can. I just want to do even more! Things like making my home a home, spend more time with my daughter, really clean & organize my house, cook more, garden, offer more to my church's needs, and most of all to give myself more to God. I do all these things, but they are in small amounts divided amongst each other. My poor husband and daughter usually get my time when I am multi-tasking instead of when I am able to focus 100%.

It's not that having the laundry or the vacuuming done would deem my idea of a perfect world. What would be perfect would be to have the time to do it all. So I imagine while time here on earth "seems" long many days and short on others - like today where I want to do so much more but have run out of daylight and energy - I am reminded of what time really is. Eternity. Eternity spent with the Lord is the perfect world! This is my focus and it is a good focus. Being a stay at home mom or a working mom is not...I am a daughter of God and His servant no matter where I am or how much time is spent there.

So I pray today, to the One who is perfect, the one that is all. The great I Am. I pray that I will be able to make the most of my time for the rest of this day and for the rest of tomorrows for my family's sake for my sake but most of all for Your sake.

Thank you Lord for coming into my life today and to those around me that I love. It means so much to me to hear you speak to them. Thank you for reminding me that even if my house is disorganized at the moment, my spirit is not. I praise you for this. Amen.

Thirsty and in the Desert

Have you ever been so connected with the Holy Spirit for a long period of time and enter a dry spell you are wondering if you did something wrong? I do, but I know this feeling is also a trick and I do not need to doubt the Lord as He has forgiven me my trespasses before I've even made them.

Yes, I am in a spiritual desert right now. I am thirsty, yet I know what I need to do to quench myself. But do I obey? No. I realize I am human and that it is up to me to feed the spirit. But I go on day by day, making little time for prayer and for reading my scriptures. Then comes the conviction. That is the beauty of the Lord, even conviction is a gift. Without it I wouldn't be seeking these questions or trying to sort through my feelings. I guess what I'm really seeking is guidance. But for what?

Where I don't know what I'm seeking - but I know the desert is wide and long spread, I wonder when and what will come next? Where do I read in the Bible? What do I pray? Everything is going really great right now in my life, I can't ask for better. Is this why I am suspicious something is going to happen? Lately when I do pray I have prayed for others. I praise for the current blessings in my life. But I still don't sense the presence of the Lord. And I need to be content with this and remember He will come when needed.

And as I am writing these words at this very moment, that still small voice instructs me to read anywhere...that there are no specifics...that I just need to trust. I hear this familiar voice and I want more. That is my being human. That is my mistrust and greediness. I want more, but I need be patient.

We are taught to have joy in tribulations in that it teaches us perseverance for growth. Do I want a tribulation? No, of course not. But when it does, I know the Holy Spirit will be there to lift me up in strengths I cannot explain. It is then that I will get to hear His voice. It will be overwhelming to me. When I think of times past and all that he has answered for me thus far, I remember to trust. I remember to be patient.

So I pray that just for today that you, Lord, are pleased with me and my efforts, that you will show me my next step in this walk. I am waiting for you Lord. Waiting. In the meantime please remind me of the time I need to pause to spend with you either reading, noticing all the beauty you've given around me, singing praise & worship to you, praying, writing, or offering a simple smile to a stranger. And Lord, I thank you for being so forgiving of any doubt that may cross my way, for I try earnestly to not listen to it and to always come back to you and the truth. I pray that you will prompt me to be a positive person, one that has no bad to say or judge of others. I am human and I need you Lord, without you I am nothing. Amen.

Love is the answer

I read in Corinthians (Cor 12:4-30) last night about how the body needs all parts to do it's job, that even though all parts are different and do not agree with the other that they are still needed for the one body. Just because a hand is not a foot doesn't mean the foot does not need the hand. This made me think then on how we are all parts of the body of community, the gospel of Jesus Christ, our family, our work, etc. Why then does it seem we don't act like a body? I guess this gets to me more than ever as of lately in that family and friends in my life have chosen to silently not exist in mine and others lives because of various reasons, reasons that I am not even sure of and will not understand. Reasons that make no reason if that makes any sense. Some are because of religious differences and some are not. I don't understand it.

Living where I do I often get the feeling that there is trouble when in conflict with religion. It's too bad that "religion" preference is more focused on than Jesus Christ. When we first moved to this neighborhood I was visited by a member of the local church that is a majority in my area. I was expecting this as every time I have moved in the past, the same attempt has always been made. This time, knowing what I experienced from the last move, I asked her politely that while her visiting me was heartfelt I asked not to have my name on the list for visitation.

Because of this she didn't really acknowledge me again. This was not surprising to me though. I am not sure why when I make this type of decision and let it be known that I am not interested in practicing a religion they take it personally. Maybe it's that they don't know how to react. Is it that because of the area I live it is expected and that if I am opposing a cardboard cutout and respond differently than what everyone else does, they feel offended? Maybe I surprised her? I don't know. Isn't Christianity about loving one another as a person, not as a religion?

Religion separates people. That plain that simple. Jesus condemned religion and this is a good reason why. Religion in my opinion causes separation of the "body" of Christ, that if you are not a member of one's church then you have no value. Not all people of religion aren't this way but as a general whole, where I come from, people like me are not oblivious to the separation. And when it comes to religion and utilizing the resources they have to help someone in need, some are very wealthy and able to do this. I do acknowledge this, however when with the help there also comes an expecation of that person. That is the difference between religions and being a true Christian. This is not truly giving.

Now that I mentioned true giving, which leads me to a little thought on what I have learned by Jesus as true giving. I was always taught growing up that if I gave tithing or services, I would get returned a reward two-fold. So I interpreted that to mean if I give I will get, never that my good deeds would be noticed for what they were worth. Maybe this just wasn't explained well to me or I didn't ask enough questions. It hasn't been until now that I realize if I give wholeheartedly for the sake of giving and that is it. That is my reward. And I love that reward! I love to give just to give, I always have. While it is true that my deeds will not go unnoticed if from the heart, the difference is that if they not done as a "practice" or a "gesture" such as going through the motion of it, there is no value in it. But practicing does make perfect too, which can be a wholehearted motion giving by your own desire and not by the encouragement of any one person other than Jesus.

So reading on in Corinthians 13:1-13 it then states about if we do not have love, than what good are we? If we do all the things we are to do in this world with good deeds and going through the motions, none of it counts if you do not love. Our pastor asked us last Sunday to read aloud and put our name in front of the verses Cor 13:4-7 and just to listen to what we are saying. Am I living this? Dping this really hits home and shows you who you really are.

I do know that religion does serve some purpose. It is thought of as a "body" as I was talking about earlier, but the world is not just one religion so to me religion is only a part of a very big body. The body of this world. It's purpose is there and we do need it, but we have to be careful with it just like anything. It originally brings us to the teachings of Lord, it makes us think and challenge ourselves. Without it we may have never ever known about Jesus, but that doesn't mean we have to live in it and it's politics our whole life. Worshipping Jesus without religion is so free and spiritual. I love that I can share with anyone Jesus and let them know His love for them. Without having to explain anything else. It's that easy.

So I ask you Lord, please help and teach me to learn to love. I cling to every word Jesus has taught in the Bible and yearn to feel that love for all. I hope that as I learn and can do better, the people that do not show love in my life would see the love that I do show and somehow be reminded of the root of life. Also lord, help me to understand the people of religion more, that I don't place judgement on them but that I see them and not their religion, that I see your spriit within them and not the words of others giving them their instruction. I pray these things in your name, Amen.

Save & Protect

I read a devotion today that talked about saving and protecting one's marriage. That it is important to hold your tongue and not to vent too much about the little things. That all little things add up and are a slow fade to destroying a beautiful thing. But what about the big things? Why is it that there is no time to confront, pray, or to seek counsel from God in that split second before things go terribly wrong forever?

I am not referring just to marriage but also to parenting. My youngest son who will be 18 soon is no longer living with us due to a dispute that I am not so sure is such a big deal when looking at the big picture. But then again I am mom and nothing is a big deal to me. I just want my children near my side always and know they are safe. But the worst part of all this is it feels like "round 2." A couple years ago my oldest son ran away just before he turned 18 and has made some crazy decisions and is now paying the price for them. They both deserve futures but who's responsible for helping these boys get to where they need to be when they are at this age?

It seems to make sense that because kids at this age society views them as "legal" or "emancipated" then they are assumed to be 100% responsible to do the things they need, but at 18 boys are still boys, they are not even close to being men. Who decided this is an age where a turning point should begin? Where has their biological sperm donor that they still call "dad" been their whole life? And how does my husband, the "outsider" or "new" man become married to their mother and is expected to be a stepfather overnight without knowing or having the experience of even being a father? How can he come in during these boys' last 4th and 6th years and make up for all that lost time? He does it out of love for me. He knew I was a package deal. Yet he is willing to do this even thought he admits he doesn't really know all the fatherly instincts due to growing up without one himself. In fact my husband became a grown up at age 16 when he ran away from home to stop being abused. Living in the streets he learned to grow up and sometimes with this I think he forgets or is not even sure really what it's like to be a growing boy. He just survived. He doesn't know "family" like you and I do.

Now my marriage is seeming to be tested today by all of this chaos that has recently taken place and it doesn't help that my husband has fallen into a depression. He's never done so before, so things are turmoil in emotion back and forth it seems at our house. So now what? What do I do? I married my husband for better and for worse. I did so in the name of God and meant it. Over time and especially last year I have let my relationship dwindle away from my husband and my boys and spent it partying with friends. Now I am feeling the effect of it all. Why did I start drinking again in the first place? I know I made several excuses and the first one being that my dad died. But that is a tangent I won't get into...

I often do question my mothering skills and do blame myself for my boys' downfalls. I also blame myself a lot for things that went wrong in my first marriage. I do this for a good reason. I know people say you did the best with what you knew, but that's just it. I didn't know enough and didn't have the desire to do more. But why not? I know I could have sought after God, but I didn't realize the importance of it to my children to do so. I was selfish. So yes, I am at blame. I thought God's purpose was only there for me. For bailing me out of my crises. I could have sought Him to guide me on my children but didn't. I didn't even take the time to think of my children. That is why I take blame. I am at blame. I was too young to have kids. I seemed to have been too relaxed and having fun that I didn't hear God. I could have placed great influence in those boys when I should have. Will I do better with my daughter now? Is this God's way of giving me a second chance at mothering? I don't know, but I do know that God is on my side as long as I keep him here.

The question still remains though, "How does one protect and save their marriage? The relationship with their kids?" The answer? Seek God. I need help in this. Obviously or my family wouldn't be in such distraught at this moment. There is a reference in the Bible that impresses me that if I seek God and follow with my heart and my might that all else will follow, including my household. I don't recall the reference but when I read it really stuck with me and was a great comfort. As I have prayed in these last two weeks of trial, I am given God's same guidance - to be patient yet again with my husband. He has also instructed me to continue to "follow" for which I have taken this seriously and shall obey. He never changes. I am grateful for this. You know I didn't even realize that women were created by God to be man's helpers until a week ago? This has really brought light to a lot of worldly ideas that I had no idea I was sucked into. I have a lot more reading to do it seems.

The devotion left me with a good message today which I think answers my question on how to protect and save what is precious to you. The author said something about if Satan knocks on your door would you ask God to answer it for you? I am learning that marriage is a sacred thing and I now know this when I read the word and God's perspective of such. My boys will be okay, it just seems to the human eye that I have abandoned them as a mother, but truly in my heart I have not and God knows this. He hears my prayers. They have much friends and family who are willing to help them when they need and so that I am grateful for. As for my husband, well he is just getting to know what "family" is and one day he will feel it too. This is my hope and I choose to save and protect the family that is left in my home by continuing to follow God. Please pray that I will endure.

Motherhood and Working - My Balancing Act

It is inherent that only after a few days of not reading the Bible nor listening to praise and worship on radio I am and have become lost in feeding the spirit. Already have I gone astray and not even realized this until now. So feeling emotionally down from it all can be a benefit in my realizing where I am at - go figure. I feel emotionally super tired and super overwhelmed in life. Maybe this is more prominent that I am sick and fatigued - sure I have an excuse to be lazy about getting into God's word - but really there isn't any excuse. To pick up the Bible would take just as much effort as hitting the button on the remote and watching TV. My head is full of nothing but goo either way and I know there is always room in there for prayer.

This morning I was at work and it was one of the many times in the past few months that I just simply wanted to weep as I missed my daughter. I thought about her and how she cried this morning that she was tired. I remembered yesterday morning when I informed her we were staying home for the holiday and how her little eyes lit up. I find that Mondays I hyper focus on the time I spend away from my daughter. But it doesn't stop there...my emotions inevitably turn into more hyper focusing on everything especially in what I need to face at work. I then don't want to meet with my customers and secretly hope they would call and reschedule. It all starts in the morning each time too. I don't want to leave my bedroom - I feel safe there. This has happened on several occasions. It reminds me of my days of agoraphobia yet so different. It scares me.

Why God? What then are you putting on my heart? I asked you to put me in a job that was worth my time doing if I were to be away from Savannah, yet here I am and am so totally unhappy. Does my not wanting to get out of bed to come to work have to do with Savannah or is it just that I am not happy doing what I am doing at work? Am I justifying the need to stay home with Savannah for this reason? Am I just being lazy?

A few weeks ago after fasting you gave me courage and knowledge that I cannot explain that made a tremendous change in how I viewed my job and was able to perform. But why did this not last? Why am I feeling back to where I was previously? What Lord, am I to do with this? Can you help to show me the way? If I am to help the poor and disabled, why then can I not be more patient as I get to know them and learn to work with them? Why are some days easier than others? Am I wrong in pursuing keeping my employment instead of being at home with my child and you just haven't told me? Or am I not listening? You know me Lord, I am not good at making changes. If you have told me I may not have listened too afraid of the change.

Just like my mom's puppy that I watched over this weekend, you have been there - incessantly and loyally by my side keeping me warm and comforted. Yet there are times I don't pay attention to you. But when I call to you - just like that puppy - you always come back and with great enthusiasm just for me. While I know You love me, I still don't understand why. So I know you are listening.

Lord, I am not great at vocalizing my prayers and you know this, but please listen to my heart as well as my words here. Am I fighting for what I want as a mother and you are fighting for what you need as God? I know there is reward in my public career so why can't I keep the vision of the reward as I do Your reward? I would rather spend time with my kids than trying to help a population that is almost beyond help. But You have put me here to do this, I know, and I know You know I can do it. But why don't I have the desire to?

Am I feeling this way more so now than ever because Savannah is starting school this year? I know I have many regrets for all three of my children and not being there for them so many times when I could have, but I thought I had accepted the reasons. Did I not ask for forgiveness for the times I should have when I wasn't doing what a mother should? If so I don't recall your prompting me to but now I am really learning from them. After 20 years I've worked and been a mom, this is impressing me now more than it ever has. You have put me here in this job long ago, and with a good plan, but why does it not seem to "fit" any longer? Have I been disobedient to you and am now learning the hard way?

In reading other mother's blogs today I am finding that they are not what I thought - just stay at home moms that is. They are lawyers and writers and home schooling moms who have the chance to work around life with their kids, not their kids having to have life around their work. Since they are working nonetheless, then why do I feel so picked on? Is it that they made their choice of what they are doing prior with having a family and children in mind? Is it that what they do they can be more personal with You in their work where I cannot cross those lines with the public sector? Why do I compare myself to other mothers when I know it is wrong? Is my dream to be both mother and employee as equally as the other unrealistic? Would there be a chance that I could work part time? Why am I in such a need for something to change? And why is it that at the end of the day all feels okay? Is it because my kids are at my side and I cherish the time I do have with them?

I admit I may have too much time to think at work which causes me to tear at emotions and desires...so please help me to be patient as things progress I know this will change.I can't help but seek balance for all. Please Lord can you give me any indication of what I am doing here and where should I be going? What is going on inside me and this balancing act I am fighting with? And if there is nothing to be revealed just yet, then I pray that you would help me to be patient. Please Lord, I am struggling. I pray that you will fill me with your Word so that I am with You and walking again. Always walking, no matter how tired or sick I may feel.