I read a great devotional today at Proverbs 31 Ministries Daily Devotional. It is called "Run Another Load" and the author describes about how laundry is never ending - just like God cleansing our hearts is never ending. It really inspired me to make an entry on what I felt this morning and ponder things a bit. I have been needing to do so but not feeling the spirit the past couple of days.
Some mornings I wake up feeling convicted. It used to be every morning, but now it has lessened. I find that when I don't wake up this way, I wonder why. Is it that I am set free from my sins? Has God shut me out? Am I just not listening or seeking enough? It is the latter of course. Unfortunately I struggle with myself to know that I have always been lazy in only seeking God when I felt convicted. I realize too though that I'm still learning to walk with God - including how to seek Him when there is not conviction or a need for an answered prayer. It is my desire in this walk with Him to learn to simply seek His word and grow daily. I am still unsure how to be better about doing this aside from my convictions telling me to do so, but do know that prayer is the key to all things and I will need to ask for His help daily.
I know that without conviction I am less likely to communicate to God. I have always found this unacceptable but in the past I would usually not think about it and simply let the guilt of my codependent relationship with Him pass. I know now that this has changed inside of me. Last night when all was quiet, I was feeling lonely as if I hadn't talked to Him all day. I then realized I hadn't. So I said a prayer and thanked Him for all that He has given me. I felt His warm hands enclose around me and at that point I was comforted. This is one way to seek Him, to spend time with Him, and I realize that a prayer is all it takes. But why is it that sometimes I am not prompted to pray? I don't pray out of habit - I admit as a human brinh I don't naturally feel the urge to pray. The urge for me is strongest with conviction or a need for guidance. But I don't want prayer to become just a habit either.
Why is conviction so much stronger than anything else? I wonder if it is because of God's power - His will to remind me that I am a sinner in constant need of help. I need to be convicted in that it requires me to remember to seek God in a different way than that of any other. He must be communicating to me today that I am getting too caught up in life; in this facebook stuff, in filing my taxes, in preparing for my daughter's birthday party. He reminds me that focusing too much on worldly things will result in my spirituality dwindling away. I find that when I am strong in spirit I have much influence for the good. Without it there is no purpose. My future depends on my convictions as does those around me. We all contribute to each other so I must do my part by keeping fed and feeding my family too.
I hate to admit this, but prior to my prayer to God last night, my daughter had asked me to read her a Bible story. I told her it was too late and that it would have to wait. After a bit of convicton I disciplined my reasoning and decided to go ahead and read to her regardless of the time. Why wasn't it my instinct to do this come without the conviction?
I don't teach Sunday School this week so I admit that knowing I didn't have a lesson to prepare I have been lax about getting into the Word, praying and spending time with God. I guess I didn't realize how blessed teaching the Kindergartner's would make me. I thought that my missing the Pastor's sermons to serve in the Sunday School I would feel as though I was missing out but I now realize that I am wrong. I am just a sinner in a world that is not everlasting. My body will continue to decrease but my spirit increases.
I am grateful to have His presence in all ways - convictions and blessings. I am blessed that He sent His son, Jesus Christ, so that I could have each and every chance to overcome my convictions - that the atonement for me as a lowly sinner is one great gift that all I have to do is accept and I will live in heaven with Him!
I praise Him then for putting these convictions on my heart. That he loves me enough to remind me to spend time with Him and seek Him if even for the short few minutes I have throughout the day. He reminds me I am nothing without Him. Lately the hymn titled "I Need Thee Every Hour" has been coming to my mind. Even though I have no idea of the lyrics or the tune, the name of this song is so true and from the heart.
Now when I am putting my laundry away, I will smile to know that God strives for cleaning my dirty laundry everyday. I will pray, "Please remain with me Lord my God, for I need you every hour of every day."
Friday, January 30, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Trust in God
Remember being a kid and getting a shiny new penny? Remember the feeling of the value of that penny in your fingers all the while inspecting it over and over anxiously awaiting to spend it on a gum ball? I do. I remember the most how the words "In God We Trust" were so neatly placed aournd the edge of the penny. I hate to admit it but I read it those words many times but never knew what it really meant until now.
For some time I have been praying for my son, Michael. He has been in some trouble and lost for the last couple of years now but has always struggled with getting into trouble. Not big trouble, but just little things that most kids didn't get involved with. It usually had to do with other kids around him and just being in a bad place at a bad time. He is a follower. I have been praying more for him than ever this past several months. I thought that his being homeless and then in jail this past year would be the turning point for him.
At age 17, he ran away from home and was living in his car near his girlfriend's house. When he was found I asked his uncle Paul to take him in. He would take his uncle's car and pretended to go to school and when Paul couldn't do any more with him, God bless him for trying, he was left on his own. He ended back up with his girlfriend again and it wasn't long that the day after he turned 18, they got married in the presence of her parents and Michael's biological "father", Todd. She was only 16 years old and I was outraged that her parents would allow this - but after getting to realize what this girl was about, I understood very well.
A few days of being married, Michael and Kristen could no longer get vouchers for motels from the bishop for the LDS family services so they assumed help from my mother who created rules and tried to help them get started in their marriage. In the short time they were they, they created havoc together taking advantage of my poor mom telling her lies and conning her to feel sorry for them. She gave them a place to live in the motor home outside of the house until they could get a job and out on their own. She even helped them with some gas and groceries. Needless to say succeeding was not their plan at all. At least succeeding in the life we know of. There was no job searching done - well I think maybe Michael made a few attempts but they were half hearted. Kristen did finally obtain a job at Target but lost it due to theft of a diamond necklace and putting money on gift cards that she hid in the garbage.
One day when my mother was not there, they broke into the house stealing the coins my deceased father had collected for years. They combined what they found with my sister in law's collection and cashed it all out. Not to live off however - they spent their money on crude bumper stickers for their car, they would buy new clothes instead of washing the ones they had, and blue hair dye was also a big hit. This all the while they were pleading "hungry" and needed "gas" to my mom to help them. Their car was also falling apart and needed registered. My mom didn't understand why they would steal money and not use it for the necessities? Michael learned to go along with her desire to manipulate people to obtain what they wanted by stealing. Kristen was also a pathological liar. She believed the things she lied about such as that the people were out to get her at her job and that is why they blamed her for stealing something she hadn't.
It was not much longer after that when they decided to purchase a new car to replace their old one. It needed registered but without a new windshield and headlight, they were stuck. My mother stepped in and bought the windshield at that point, but after all the trouble she went to they conned an auto dealership to sign over a 2007 vehicle to them as she was able to get her grandfather who lived back east somewhere to tell the salesman he would co-sign for them. Can you believe that? They said their old car died on the side of the road so they had no choice but to walk to the dealership and get a new one. This may have been true, however it was infuriating to me and they assured everyone they called to ask for a co-signature that they were doing this to build their credit and would make payments. Eventually my mother realized they were not seeking anything other than pleasure and could no longer helped them and asked them to leave, they rewarded her with slashing the tires on her van in the middle of the night - and on Father's Day no less.
Moving forward they decided to one day sneak in his decrepit grandfather's house and steal a box of his checks. Kristen had Michael sign the checks and had her friends cash them so they could go on a shopping spree. They were even able to purchase a laptop and were living in motels and affording all that they needed. Michael said that Kristen loved dogs so he bought her a puppy. His name was Max but after they realized that a hot car in the summer is no place to let a puppy grow up they dropped him off at our mailbox. We didn't even know he was there but thanks to a strange neighbor knocking on our door, we became aware and were able to save him from the heat. We instantly adopted him and named him Bear.
Eventually they gave up the car as a voluntary repossession. I was quite surprised that they were aware of the dealership trying to locate them. There was no way of contacting them so she must have gotten word from her friends through her mother somehow. That was one count of grand theft auto they were able to avoid.
It all ended for them the day they got caught and have been separated since. Unfortunately it was family who had to do it. The cops were looking for them for some time. Michael and Kristen were at the movie theater when they ran into my son and an uncle at the mall. They were casually waiting to get into a movie when they got scared and decided they would call security's attention by telling them a lie that Michael's uncle threatened them. As the guards were about ready to make them leave, the uncle then let the security guards know that the two were running from the law and were both lying. So they took the time to do a background check and sure enough Kristen & Michael's lies didn't get through this time. Michael didn't see Kristen after that except a few times when in the park. And she was with another man each time.
Michael has been in and out of jail during these last few couple of years. October of 2007 when he was released we took him in and he did well for a while and was making good money. He stated he got laid off from his job but I am not really sure caused them to lay him off. I think this way because he had once gotten sick at work and was sent home but didn't come home. I have an old friend that worked at the same place that had let me know about it ahead of time. When he did come home, he pretended to have worked and told his day was like any other.
He became involved with a nice girl that he knew from high school and started spending all his money purchasing text time on his phone. She was going to college at the time and lived in St. George, and eventually I think decided to end the relationship with him after he didn't pursue his divorce from Kristen. This happened right before he lost his job. After that he had no motivation to do anything. We expected him as part of living with us to go out and job search and to get his divorce completed, but there was no results in his actions or indication of actions taking place. So we then decided he could work in our basement finishing the mudding on the drywall in lieu of a place to stay in addition to job searching. He knew he had to be doing something. A while later it was found that he would make light to his friend that we made him our "slave" and that to show us he would steal things from us. When this was revealed, we had no more. We had to make the move to push him out, even if it meant on the streets.
A day later Michael was dropped off at the shelter in Salt Lake by a kind church member, but after a week of that he decided he didn't like it and preferred to live in the park. He attempted to convince me that the shelter would not accept him, but a member of our church worked there and confirmed that was incorrect. At that point I began to realize not to feel sorry for him. After about 5 months of living in the park with the other homeless people, he was put in jail and to stay until his birthday, unless he served "good time" then it would be sooner. This has been and will be his longest time spent there. It was last August when they put him there, serving time for his charges that he has not taken care of with probation nor paying in fines & restitution for his grandparents.
After learning he was there, I knew I had time to pray and felt it a blessing that I was given this time to seek an answer from God for what was to happen when he does get out and what my role would be. I wanted to be prepared this time and to know if we as parents were supposed to give him another chance to stay at home to work out his troubles. What's more my being Michael's mother I felt a personal responsibility to step in and guide him regardless of what my husband's opinion was. I worried though as I was praying - I wondered "Am I praying for Michael or for myself so that I no longer need to worry?" I did receive an initial response - that it "isn't time." But I believed that somehow that the answer God gave me would change if I continued to pray and encouraged Michael to do the same. I also felt that if I was praying for the wrong reason, then I could also take the time to correct this. I let it go for a while to explore options and to get a feel for what Michael's desire was to do. Initially he wanted to get into the transitional housing program for inmates, but last month he decided that it was just a fluke program and a way for the deputies to throw him back in jail. He talked about living with his grandfather who has incredibly forgiven him, or that he would go to job corps, or that he just needed to be back on the street again to continue learning his lesson. His being so wishy washy did not help me so at the recommendation of a church member to fast. I decided I would.
So it was two weeks ago that I had prayed and fasted for Michael's approaching release from jail. I knew in my heart this meant he'd be out on the streets again regardless of all the options he contemplated. I was in denial about it and the weather was not getting better. I have never fasted before. Being a mom I could not allow him to let himself sleep in freezing whether. I admit this whole time I'd hoped somehow he'd screw up and they wouldn't let him out until spring. At least then it would be warm. I didn't want my horrible nightmare of him killing himself or starting to death to come true in anyway.
From fasting I did not get indication from God of an answer for Michael changing or that the answer He gave prior even existed. Instead I received an answer to my prayer for help in my career. Since then I have really felt the ability and desire in my new job change dramatically. A good point was made last week though in Bible Study. That sometimes I am not to do anything and to just leave it in God's hands. That is when I heard the words God gave me from when I prayed first in August. "It's not time," again. And I thought I would leave it in His hands but of course I still felt unsure what I was supposed to do. I wondered what others felt I should do and asked for some sort of indication from them without my having to ask. Having just prayed about that yesterday I later received a message from my pastor who gave me his opinion. I simply asked for this and it was received.
I prayed before I went to visit Michael last night. I thought I needed to pray about the things I say to Michael and the influence I have no matter what option he chooses for when he gets out next month. I prayed that whether or not he asks for our help that it will be his own decision to do so and if he doesn't that there was no coming home - not yet.
Amazingly as I sat down across the glass from him, his first words to me were that he had another year to serve in jail. That he just found this out last week. I thanked God and was relieved. I realized to myself that this was what God meant all along. But I assumed He meant that it wasn't "time" for Michael to change, or that now was not the right "time" to pray for Michael. I had no idea what God really meant and should have just trusted him and been patient. I have a lot to learn.
Why do I not trust in just God's word? Why do I have to feel the need of being human and having tangibility attached to everything? Will this trust simply grow over time?
For some time I have been praying for my son, Michael. He has been in some trouble and lost for the last couple of years now but has always struggled with getting into trouble. Not big trouble, but just little things that most kids didn't get involved with. It usually had to do with other kids around him and just being in a bad place at a bad time. He is a follower. I have been praying more for him than ever this past several months. I thought that his being homeless and then in jail this past year would be the turning point for him.
At age 17, he ran away from home and was living in his car near his girlfriend's house. When he was found I asked his uncle Paul to take him in. He would take his uncle's car and pretended to go to school and when Paul couldn't do any more with him, God bless him for trying, he was left on his own. He ended back up with his girlfriend again and it wasn't long that the day after he turned 18, they got married in the presence of her parents and Michael's biological "father", Todd. She was only 16 years old and I was outraged that her parents would allow this - but after getting to realize what this girl was about, I understood very well.
A few days of being married, Michael and Kristen could no longer get vouchers for motels from the bishop for the LDS family services so they assumed help from my mother who created rules and tried to help them get started in their marriage. In the short time they were they, they created havoc together taking advantage of my poor mom telling her lies and conning her to feel sorry for them. She gave them a place to live in the motor home outside of the house until they could get a job and out on their own. She even helped them with some gas and groceries. Needless to say succeeding was not their plan at all. At least succeeding in the life we know of. There was no job searching done - well I think maybe Michael made a few attempts but they were half hearted. Kristen did finally obtain a job at Target but lost it due to theft of a diamond necklace and putting money on gift cards that she hid in the garbage.
One day when my mother was not there, they broke into the house stealing the coins my deceased father had collected for years. They combined what they found with my sister in law's collection and cashed it all out. Not to live off however - they spent their money on crude bumper stickers for their car, they would buy new clothes instead of washing the ones they had, and blue hair dye was also a big hit. This all the while they were pleading "hungry" and needed "gas" to my mom to help them. Their car was also falling apart and needed registered. My mom didn't understand why they would steal money and not use it for the necessities? Michael learned to go along with her desire to manipulate people to obtain what they wanted by stealing. Kristen was also a pathological liar. She believed the things she lied about such as that the people were out to get her at her job and that is why they blamed her for stealing something she hadn't.
It was not much longer after that when they decided to purchase a new car to replace their old one. It needed registered but without a new windshield and headlight, they were stuck. My mother stepped in and bought the windshield at that point, but after all the trouble she went to they conned an auto dealership to sign over a 2007 vehicle to them as she was able to get her grandfather who lived back east somewhere to tell the salesman he would co-sign for them. Can you believe that? They said their old car died on the side of the road so they had no choice but to walk to the dealership and get a new one. This may have been true, however it was infuriating to me and they assured everyone they called to ask for a co-signature that they were doing this to build their credit and would make payments. Eventually my mother realized they were not seeking anything other than pleasure and could no longer helped them and asked them to leave, they rewarded her with slashing the tires on her van in the middle of the night - and on Father's Day no less.
Moving forward they decided to one day sneak in his decrepit grandfather's house and steal a box of his checks. Kristen had Michael sign the checks and had her friends cash them so they could go on a shopping spree. They were even able to purchase a laptop and were living in motels and affording all that they needed. Michael said that Kristen loved dogs so he bought her a puppy. His name was Max but after they realized that a hot car in the summer is no place to let a puppy grow up they dropped him off at our mailbox. We didn't even know he was there but thanks to a strange neighbor knocking on our door, we became aware and were able to save him from the heat. We instantly adopted him and named him Bear.
Eventually they gave up the car as a voluntary repossession. I was quite surprised that they were aware of the dealership trying to locate them. There was no way of contacting them so she must have gotten word from her friends through her mother somehow. That was one count of grand theft auto they were able to avoid.
It all ended for them the day they got caught and have been separated since. Unfortunately it was family who had to do it. The cops were looking for them for some time. Michael and Kristen were at the movie theater when they ran into my son and an uncle at the mall. They were casually waiting to get into a movie when they got scared and decided they would call security's attention by telling them a lie that Michael's uncle threatened them. As the guards were about ready to make them leave, the uncle then let the security guards know that the two were running from the law and were both lying. So they took the time to do a background check and sure enough Kristen & Michael's lies didn't get through this time. Michael didn't see Kristen after that except a few times when in the park. And she was with another man each time.
Michael has been in and out of jail during these last few couple of years. October of 2007 when he was released we took him in and he did well for a while and was making good money. He stated he got laid off from his job but I am not really sure caused them to lay him off. I think this way because he had once gotten sick at work and was sent home but didn't come home. I have an old friend that worked at the same place that had let me know about it ahead of time. When he did come home, he pretended to have worked and told his day was like any other.
He became involved with a nice girl that he knew from high school and started spending all his money purchasing text time on his phone. She was going to college at the time and lived in St. George, and eventually I think decided to end the relationship with him after he didn't pursue his divorce from Kristen. This happened right before he lost his job. After that he had no motivation to do anything. We expected him as part of living with us to go out and job search and to get his divorce completed, but there was no results in his actions or indication of actions taking place. So we then decided he could work in our basement finishing the mudding on the drywall in lieu of a place to stay in addition to job searching. He knew he had to be doing something. A while later it was found that he would make light to his friend that we made him our "slave" and that to show us he would steal things from us. When this was revealed, we had no more. We had to make the move to push him out, even if it meant on the streets.
A day later Michael was dropped off at the shelter in Salt Lake by a kind church member, but after a week of that he decided he didn't like it and preferred to live in the park. He attempted to convince me that the shelter would not accept him, but a member of our church worked there and confirmed that was incorrect. At that point I began to realize not to feel sorry for him. After about 5 months of living in the park with the other homeless people, he was put in jail and to stay until his birthday, unless he served "good time" then it would be sooner. This has been and will be his longest time spent there. It was last August when they put him there, serving time for his charges that he has not taken care of with probation nor paying in fines & restitution for his grandparents.
After learning he was there, I knew I had time to pray and felt it a blessing that I was given this time to seek an answer from God for what was to happen when he does get out and what my role would be. I wanted to be prepared this time and to know if we as parents were supposed to give him another chance to stay at home to work out his troubles. What's more my being Michael's mother I felt a personal responsibility to step in and guide him regardless of what my husband's opinion was. I worried though as I was praying - I wondered "Am I praying for Michael or for myself so that I no longer need to worry?" I did receive an initial response - that it "isn't time." But I believed that somehow that the answer God gave me would change if I continued to pray and encouraged Michael to do the same. I also felt that if I was praying for the wrong reason, then I could also take the time to correct this. I let it go for a while to explore options and to get a feel for what Michael's desire was to do. Initially he wanted to get into the transitional housing program for inmates, but last month he decided that it was just a fluke program and a way for the deputies to throw him back in jail. He talked about living with his grandfather who has incredibly forgiven him, or that he would go to job corps, or that he just needed to be back on the street again to continue learning his lesson. His being so wishy washy did not help me so at the recommendation of a church member to fast. I decided I would.
So it was two weeks ago that I had prayed and fasted for Michael's approaching release from jail. I knew in my heart this meant he'd be out on the streets again regardless of all the options he contemplated. I was in denial about it and the weather was not getting better. I have never fasted before. Being a mom I could not allow him to let himself sleep in freezing whether. I admit this whole time I'd hoped somehow he'd screw up and they wouldn't let him out until spring. At least then it would be warm. I didn't want my horrible nightmare of him killing himself or starting to death to come true in anyway.
From fasting I did not get indication from God of an answer for Michael changing or that the answer He gave prior even existed. Instead I received an answer to my prayer for help in my career. Since then I have really felt the ability and desire in my new job change dramatically. A good point was made last week though in Bible Study. That sometimes I am not to do anything and to just leave it in God's hands. That is when I heard the words God gave me from when I prayed first in August. "It's not time," again. And I thought I would leave it in His hands but of course I still felt unsure what I was supposed to do. I wondered what others felt I should do and asked for some sort of indication from them without my having to ask. Having just prayed about that yesterday I later received a message from my pastor who gave me his opinion. I simply asked for this and it was received.
I prayed before I went to visit Michael last night. I thought I needed to pray about the things I say to Michael and the influence I have no matter what option he chooses for when he gets out next month. I prayed that whether or not he asks for our help that it will be his own decision to do so and if he doesn't that there was no coming home - not yet.
Amazingly as I sat down across the glass from him, his first words to me were that he had another year to serve in jail. That he just found this out last week. I thanked God and was relieved. I realized to myself that this was what God meant all along. But I assumed He meant that it wasn't "time" for Michael to change, or that now was not the right "time" to pray for Michael. I had no idea what God really meant and should have just trusted him and been patient. I have a lot to learn.
Why do I not trust in just God's word? Why do I have to feel the need of being human and having tangibility attached to everything? Will this trust simply grow over time?
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Bible Study
We are learning about the book of Daniel in women's Bible Study. I have only been attending for a short while but have learned so much. I didn't realize until now that the books in the Bible correspond with each other - the cross references have really helped me to understand so much. I also realized why I never understood what I was reading as a kid due to the fact that I was reading the King James version.
Daniel is such a good role model. In all the chapters I've completed thus far he has not changed his faith or service for God. He was also very respectable toward the rulers of Babylon and did not boast or press his faith upon others. God showed him favor because of his perseverence. I think this is a good example for us in our lives today. So many people come in and out the office I work at feeling destitute and hopeless but if they would persevere as Daniel did and continue to pray no matter the odds against them, God too will show favor to them.
I have a customer who has been quite a challenge. He's an older guy, close to retirement age. All his life he has worked for his family and for himself. He worked at his father's mink farm then went into real estate. In working with him I get the feeling that either he is mentally and/or physically not wanting to continue to work his business with as old as he is getting or the real estate market has really gotten to the point where he has to work hard in order to make a profit. Prior to my assignment on his case, he was to be job searching but no one was intensely working with him to really find a job or improve his odds for finding a job. In fact I don't think he was really pursuing what he was asked to do. So I have been trying to follow the guidelines of the program and how it works by providing time limits of when things need to be done or the assistance will end. I think this scared him and he realized how important job search really is. Having never done this before, he seemed afraid to get out and find a job on his own.
Needless to say the job search didn't go well and he didn't put much effort into I admit, but I think he was discouraged to tell you the truth due to his age, lack of experience, and other pressures at home with his wife and grown children. He and his wife receive a type of financial assistance for those that either cannot work due to a disability or are unable to find work. The requirements of this program are that each of them participate in activities that will help them lead to employment and/or obtain disability income. They do not receive much assitance, $350 is all. They are facing bankruptcy very soon. His wife is disabled however he is not. He does have some limitations but is capable of working. If all goes well the Work Site Learning Coordinator is planning to place him on a an unpaid internship at a local city office. When he told me this, his eyes lit up at the thought and I could see hope dwell inside him. I pray that this is something that will be fruitful for him, that the city employment for which he could be placed does not down size and decline the request for him to work for them. It is a non paying job but and is a good start to get him in the workforce, so I pray that the city looks at this as an asset rather than a set back due to the economy.
I so many times want to speak with my customers about God and their ability to receive blessings through Him. But to avoid conflict of interest pursuits with my customers and coworkers, instead I must pray for them and for myself in that I would receive God's spirit to help them the way they needed helped in the short time I spend with them. In Daniel chapter 9 he prays for the people of Israel. It is amazing what prayer by others can do for others and it is up to us Christians to pray for and with them no matter the purpose or the reasoning. For if people do not pray for others, and those that are being prayed for do not pray either, where then does God have purpose to bless?
"He delivers and rescues and performs signs and wonders in heaven and on earth"
Daniel 6:27
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Never Forget...
I will never forget that night from the summer of 1997. It was dark. I was lost somewhere in Washington. It was 2:00 in the morning and I had ventured too far north. When the city lights began to dim in my rear view mirror I realized I should have turned back but was too scared to so I continued on for another hour. No more sign of big cities ahead, I knew I was lost. Besides the signs started to look foreign to me. Where was Vancouver anyway? I didn't dare get off the road so I kept driving until I felt the courage to somehow figure out how to go the other way. Washington freeways aren't like freeways in Utah. The signs were different colors. There were names for streets instead of numbers. I was lost and I was scared.
Let me back up a ways. I had decided a few days prior that I would venture out and visit my sister who lived in Seattle. I took my two boys who were only 8 and 6 at the time. Oh, and our cat. I went seeking normalcy of life that existed on the other side of druggies. I went to seek the memory of myself and who I was, where I came from. I knew being around my sister would accomplish this. I knew I was still somewhere in this drug abused body and mentally neglected mind and I was on a mission to find it.
My husband at the time didn't understand it. He was probably paranoid like the rest of the people who came in and out of that house. Why didn't he get it? Why didn't he want to go with us? Why didn't he see that he was slowly losing his soul to the devil himself and desire to escape from it all? I guess I have been truly blessed to have Christ in me, especially at that time when I need Him to save me most. I didn't care about the speculations. My life and my kids' lives depended on this trip.
So I headed out about 6 am. The drive is about 16 hours and I wanted to go the whole way through. Besides I wasn't used to sleeping anyway thanks to the meth that was all around me. Funny that I didn't pray before I left, yet I felt God's spirit leading me the whole time. Now I realize this, but didn't know I would really need him until that night.
After seeing that the Vancouver sign was revealing it was getting closer and closer, I finally got brave enough to get off an exit in 'I don't know where.' I was tired and worried that those cars around me knew my sin and how dirty I was. I thought of my glass pipe tucked away in my trunk. It had no drugs in it, but I had it for whatever stupid reason. It was some sort of weakness a person who does drugs has - to have their paraphernalia accompany them where they go. They knew it was in there. I found an empty parking lot and decided it was too late to leave the kids in the car to access a payphone to call my sister. I was paranoid that people would look at me too even though no one was out that late at night.
So I found a spot to turn around to get back to what looked like an intersection that would lead me back to the freeway. I made a u-turn in an intersection and my heart raced to see that a cop was there right behind me. It seemed as he hurriedly came upon prowling on me. Knowing that he'd have nothing better to do than to pull me over, I said a prayer. I didn't even think that he could help me. Instead it was my drug used mind that told me he was after me. I prayed to God as I looked in the rearview mirror, then to the back seat at my boys. I prayed into the black sky that was so different from the one I knew at home, "Please help me God. Please help me to get where I need to go. My children should not have to be sleeping in a car at this time of night with a mother who is lost and does not know where to go. They don't deserve this. They wouldn't be here right now if their mother hadn't gotten messed up in this in the first place." I wept. Almost instantaneous as I had finished my prayer, the cop car turned and made a right on the street next to us as if he got another call. This all happened in a matter of a traffic light's time yet it happened for an eternity.
I started on the path back and was feeling better. I totally forgot that I had even said that prayer and told myself that the cop must have just realized that I was from out of town given that my license plate was not from Washington. I was still blind you could say. It was amazing to me though that as I drove and landed right at my sisters house without one instance of getting lost. It was as if he had led me there by His hand. It was not my doing at all. I was so very tired, not just from driving for that many hours, but from the drugs that had overtaken my emotions, spirit, heart, and mind the last year. It was an awesome feeling then that I had doe it. But now I realize it was truly God's power, none of my own. I realize today how it was all God's glory and grace that was bestowed upon me that night. I was in His care all along. I will never forget.
Let me back up a ways. I had decided a few days prior that I would venture out and visit my sister who lived in Seattle. I took my two boys who were only 8 and 6 at the time. Oh, and our cat. I went seeking normalcy of life that existed on the other side of druggies. I went to seek the memory of myself and who I was, where I came from. I knew being around my sister would accomplish this. I knew I was still somewhere in this drug abused body and mentally neglected mind and I was on a mission to find it.
My husband at the time didn't understand it. He was probably paranoid like the rest of the people who came in and out of that house. Why didn't he get it? Why didn't he want to go with us? Why didn't he see that he was slowly losing his soul to the devil himself and desire to escape from it all? I guess I have been truly blessed to have Christ in me, especially at that time when I need Him to save me most. I didn't care about the speculations. My life and my kids' lives depended on this trip.
So I headed out about 6 am. The drive is about 16 hours and I wanted to go the whole way through. Besides I wasn't used to sleeping anyway thanks to the meth that was all around me. Funny that I didn't pray before I left, yet I felt God's spirit leading me the whole time. Now I realize this, but didn't know I would really need him until that night.
After seeing that the Vancouver sign was revealing it was getting closer and closer, I finally got brave enough to get off an exit in 'I don't know where.' I was tired and worried that those cars around me knew my sin and how dirty I was. I thought of my glass pipe tucked away in my trunk. It had no drugs in it, but I had it for whatever stupid reason. It was some sort of weakness a person who does drugs has - to have their paraphernalia accompany them where they go. They knew it was in there. I found an empty parking lot and decided it was too late to leave the kids in the car to access a payphone to call my sister. I was paranoid that people would look at me too even though no one was out that late at night.
So I found a spot to turn around to get back to what looked like an intersection that would lead me back to the freeway. I made a u-turn in an intersection and my heart raced to see that a cop was there right behind me. It seemed as he hurriedly came upon prowling on me. Knowing that he'd have nothing better to do than to pull me over, I said a prayer. I didn't even think that he could help me. Instead it was my drug used mind that told me he was after me. I prayed to God as I looked in the rearview mirror, then to the back seat at my boys. I prayed into the black sky that was so different from the one I knew at home, "Please help me God. Please help me to get where I need to go. My children should not have to be sleeping in a car at this time of night with a mother who is lost and does not know where to go. They don't deserve this. They wouldn't be here right now if their mother hadn't gotten messed up in this in the first place." I wept. Almost instantaneous as I had finished my prayer, the cop car turned and made a right on the street next to us as if he got another call. This all happened in a matter of a traffic light's time yet it happened for an eternity.
I started on the path back and was feeling better. I totally forgot that I had even said that prayer and told myself that the cop must have just realized that I was from out of town given that my license plate was not from Washington. I was still blind you could say. It was amazing to me though that as I drove and landed right at my sisters house without one instance of getting lost. It was as if he had led me there by His hand. It was not my doing at all. I was so very tired, not just from driving for that many hours, but from the drugs that had overtaken my emotions, spirit, heart, and mind the last year. It was an awesome feeling then that I had doe it. But now I realize it was truly God's power, none of my own. I realize today how it was all God's glory and grace that was bestowed upon me that night. I was in His care all along. I will never forget.
Hunger
Have you ever felt hungry? Of course. As humans our body requires nourishment in order to continue to do what it is meant to do. Spiritually I have been hungry in so many ways but never knew how to feed myself. Sure I knew of prayer and that it was powerful but only used in crisis situations. I didn't think of it as a means to remain close to God each day. I was literally starving my spirit just the same as I do with my body.
Today I enjoy not only praying to God on a daily basis but reading His Word, fellow shipping with those that are also Christians, listening to different music, fasting, and sharing my blessings with others as a witness. I want to spend all my time with God and find Him to be with me every hour because I have seeked Him.
A couple of years or more ago I had accomplished weight loss. What I learned was that the body runs more efficiently if you feed it throughout the day. It doesn't feel neglected or likely to "hoard" what storage of food it has in the event it is needed in an emergency. Like my body I found that this is also true to my spirit. My spirit needs fed on a consistent basis to properly utilize my faith in that I might fulfill His work and continue His plan for me. With this daily process I find that I am satisfied and always seeking for more. But can someone over focus on the Lord? Just like a person can be over zealous in keeping their health that it takes up their whole being, is this also something that a person like me should be concerned about? A person that has a new found love for Jesus Christ and is inexperienced in her walk with God?
I ask this question because I find I have to fight the urge to sneak away to read my bible or to blog as I am now so that my family does not get neglected. I must pray about keeping all things balanced so that I can feed my spirit as well as my family's. Just this morning I have to watch the clock as I type, it seems I have so much to share that my mind, heart and spirit are already several blog entries ahead of me. Maybe this is all the reason why I am over zealous - I realize that I am playing catch up and now that I have a means to enter my feelings here, I will be able to catch up from the past experiences I want to share so that I may focus more directly on my daily witnesses. I find then that I need to pray...I just worry and do not want to lose sight again as I have done in the past but don't want to exhaust myself either.
I pray Lord, as only you can give me the patience that I need. That you know my heart in that I desire to continually be fed. I pray that you will will help me to be content with the short time I have in my daily activities to spend alone with you. I want to continue to seek, Lord, but I need to seek you at the right times. Therefore I pray for my family and for those around me that I have neglected because of my being pre-occupied with you. That they may be fulfilled with your Spirit and be influenced by you as I have. I pray for these things in your Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.
Today I enjoy not only praying to God on a daily basis but reading His Word, fellow shipping with those that are also Christians, listening to different music, fasting, and sharing my blessings with others as a witness. I want to spend all my time with God and find Him to be with me every hour because I have seeked Him.
A couple of years or more ago I had accomplished weight loss. What I learned was that the body runs more efficiently if you feed it throughout the day. It doesn't feel neglected or likely to "hoard" what storage of food it has in the event it is needed in an emergency. Like my body I found that this is also true to my spirit. My spirit needs fed on a consistent basis to properly utilize my faith in that I might fulfill His work and continue His plan for me. With this daily process I find that I am satisfied and always seeking for more. But can someone over focus on the Lord? Just like a person can be over zealous in keeping their health that it takes up their whole being, is this also something that a person like me should be concerned about? A person that has a new found love for Jesus Christ and is inexperienced in her walk with God?
I ask this question because I find I have to fight the urge to sneak away to read my bible or to blog as I am now so that my family does not get neglected. I must pray about keeping all things balanced so that I can feed my spirit as well as my family's. Just this morning I have to watch the clock as I type, it seems I have so much to share that my mind, heart and spirit are already several blog entries ahead of me. Maybe this is all the reason why I am over zealous - I realize that I am playing catch up and now that I have a means to enter my feelings here, I will be able to catch up from the past experiences I want to share so that I may focus more directly on my daily witnesses. I find then that I need to pray...I just worry and do not want to lose sight again as I have done in the past but don't want to exhaust myself either.
I pray Lord, as only you can give me the patience that I need. That you know my heart in that I desire to continually be fed. I pray that you will will help me to be content with the short time I have in my daily activities to spend alone with you. I want to continue to seek, Lord, but I need to seek you at the right times. Therefore I pray for my family and for those around me that I have neglected because of my being pre-occupied with you. That they may be fulfilled with your Spirit and be influenced by you as I have. I pray for these things in your Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Where do I start???
My walk with God has been recently renewed in my life and He has lifted and continues to lift my heart and spirit to heights I have never known. I would like to post my feelings, prayers, insights, and love for Jesus Christ here. To share the Lord's love and glory, it is my hope that many can also read to get to know Him and His love that he has for each one of us.
It has been a long stretch of being lost in my life once again. The world around me distracted my feelings for the Lord. Many nights I lay awake praying and seeking answers to help with my convictions. I have grown into old habits and fell away from walking with God. I think my desire to change and release my convictions came strongest to me because of my daughter. She has been a large eye opener to where my life is, where it has been, and where I want it to go, but most importantly what kind of parent I want to be for her. I needed to act now as she is getting older, and God knew my desire to do so. My fervent prayers are what gave me the strength today to overcome what I thought I had already battled. He has lifted my conviction and I now must follow him to keep in His Spirit and continue to seek and to listen so that I might be all I can for my family, friends, neighbors, and fellow Christians.
As I was creating this blog I attempted several templates to express my purpose that will be constructed here and after many hours of seeking, I found the lighthouse theme by Dale Fincher called "Shining Like a Lighthouse" and thought to myself, "What is more fitting than a lighthouse. Isn't Christ the Lord the one who gives us our light?" This is a true capture of our relationship with God through Jesus Christ.
I pray today, Father, that you will enlighten me with your spirit as I write, that what passes through my fingers will be through you. I am thankful for you, Lord, and for your gift of your holy son, that I, a sinner, can live in the light of your eyes. I pray for those that do not hear you but more so those that do not listen. I pray that they may hear your voice through the Holy Spirit and may receive it in your glorious way that their hearts too will be lifted and they will seek more of you. I praise you and worship your name as I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
It has been a long stretch of being lost in my life once again. The world around me distracted my feelings for the Lord. Many nights I lay awake praying and seeking answers to help with my convictions. I have grown into old habits and fell away from walking with God. I think my desire to change and release my convictions came strongest to me because of my daughter. She has been a large eye opener to where my life is, where it has been, and where I want it to go, but most importantly what kind of parent I want to be for her. I needed to act now as she is getting older, and God knew my desire to do so. My fervent prayers are what gave me the strength today to overcome what I thought I had already battled. He has lifted my conviction and I now must follow him to keep in His Spirit and continue to seek and to listen so that I might be all I can for my family, friends, neighbors, and fellow Christians.
As I was creating this blog I attempted several templates to express my purpose that will be constructed here and after many hours of seeking, I found the lighthouse theme by Dale Fincher called "Shining Like a Lighthouse" and thought to myself, "What is more fitting than a lighthouse. Isn't Christ the Lord the one who gives us our light?" This is a true capture of our relationship with God through Jesus Christ.
I pray today, Father, that you will enlighten me with your spirit as I write, that what passes through my fingers will be through you. I am thankful for you, Lord, and for your gift of your holy son, that I, a sinner, can live in the light of your eyes. I pray for those that do not hear you but more so those that do not listen. I pray that they may hear your voice through the Holy Spirit and may receive it in your glorious way that their hearts too will be lifted and they will seek more of you. I praise you and worship your name as I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
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