I read a devotion today that talked about saving and protecting one's marriage. That it is important to hold your tongue and not to vent too much about the little things. That all little things add up and are a slow fade to destroying a beautiful thing. But what about the big things? Why is it that there is no time to confront, pray, or to seek counsel from God in that split second before things go terribly wrong forever?
I am not referring just to marriage but also to parenting. My youngest son who will be 18 soon is no longer living with us due to a dispute that I am not so sure is such a big deal when looking at the big picture. But then again I am mom and nothing is a big deal to me. I just want my children near my side always and know they are safe. But the worst part of all this is it feels like "round 2." A couple years ago my oldest son ran away just before he turned 18 and has made some crazy decisions and is now paying the price for them. They both deserve futures but who's responsible for helping these boys get to where they need to be when they are at this age?
It seems to make sense that because kids at this age society views them as "legal" or "emancipated" then they are assumed to be 100% responsible to do the things they need, but at 18 boys are still boys, they are not even close to being men. Who decided this is an age where a turning point should begin? Where has their biological sperm donor that they still call "dad" been their whole life? And how does my husband, the "outsider" or "new" man become married to their mother and is expected to be a stepfather overnight without knowing or having the experience of even being a father? How can he come in during these boys' last 4th and 6th years and make up for all that lost time? He does it out of love for me. He knew I was a package deal. Yet he is willing to do this even thought he admits he doesn't really know all the fatherly instincts due to growing up without one himself. In fact my husband became a grown up at age 16 when he ran away from home to stop being abused. Living in the streets he learned to grow up and sometimes with this I think he forgets or is not even sure really what it's like to be a growing boy. He just survived. He doesn't know "family" like you and I do.
Now my marriage is seeming to be tested today by all of this chaos that has recently taken place and it doesn't help that my husband has fallen into a depression. He's never done so before, so things are turmoil in emotion back and forth it seems at our house. So now what? What do I do? I married my husband for better and for worse. I did so in the name of God and meant it. Over time and especially last year I have let my relationship dwindle away from my husband and my boys and spent it partying with friends. Now I am feeling the effect of it all. Why did I start drinking again in the first place? I know I made several excuses and the first one being that my dad died. But that is a tangent I won't get into...
I often do question my mothering skills and do blame myself for my boys' downfalls. I also blame myself a lot for things that went wrong in my first marriage. I do this for a good reason. I know people say you did the best with what you knew, but that's just it. I didn't know enough and didn't have the desire to do more. But why not? I know I could have sought after God, but I didn't realize the importance of it to my children to do so. I was selfish. So yes, I am at blame. I thought God's purpose was only there for me. For bailing me out of my crises. I could have sought Him to guide me on my children but didn't. I didn't even take the time to think of my children. That is why I take blame. I am at blame. I was too young to have kids. I seemed to have been too relaxed and having fun that I didn't hear God. I could have placed great influence in those boys when I should have. Will I do better with my daughter now? Is this God's way of giving me a second chance at mothering? I don't know, but I do know that God is on my side as long as I keep him here.
The question still remains though, "How does one protect and save their marriage? The relationship with their kids?" The answer? Seek God. I need help in this. Obviously or my family wouldn't be in such distraught at this moment. There is a reference in the Bible that impresses me that if I seek God and follow with my heart and my might that all else will follow, including my household. I don't recall the reference but when I read it really stuck with me and was a great comfort. As I have prayed in these last two weeks of trial, I am given God's same guidance - to be patient yet again with my husband. He has also instructed me to continue to "follow" for which I have taken this seriously and shall obey. He never changes. I am grateful for this. You know I didn't even realize that women were created by God to be man's helpers until a week ago? This has really brought light to a lot of worldly ideas that I had no idea I was sucked into. I have a lot more reading to do it seems.
The devotion left me with a good message today which I think answers my question on how to protect and save what is precious to you. The author said something about if Satan knocks on your door would you ask God to answer it for you? I am learning that marriage is a sacred thing and I now know this when I read the word and God's perspective of such. My boys will be okay, it just seems to the human eye that I have abandoned them as a mother, but truly in my heart I have not and God knows this. He hears my prayers. They have much friends and family who are willing to help them when they need and so that I am grateful for. As for my husband, well he is just getting to know what "family" is and one day he will feel it too. This is my hope and I choose to save and protect the family that is left in my home by continuing to follow God. Please pray that I will endure.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Old Convictions
I have heard that you are to immediately ask for forgiveness when you commit a sin. Well what if you didn't and you now have so many from the past that you still need to ask for forgiveness for? Just to share some back ground with you there are so many sins from my past. I am grateful to even be alive today to be able to ask for forgiveness from them. And just now as I type this I am comforted to know that Jesus loves me for asking forgiveness from Him.
My sins all started when I was 14. I began toying with the idea of drinking and getting attention by talking about it...it eased my shyness and helped me relax around the boy I thought was so cute. I actually persuaded and influenced the use of alcohol in the relationship and thought it was okay - if my dad enjoyed drinking then how could he disagree if I did it? This is the thought I had in my mind at the time. I used it as an excuse. I didn't even realize my dad had an illness called alcoholism. I was very naive but didn't ask questions either.
Then of course I became pregnant at 16 and was not married. At the time I thought it was okay as long as I "felt" those cozy emotions that love brings on. Of course I got married and did well the first year after baby Michael was born and was so in love with him that I didn't think of anything else. I didn't really commit much sin until a couple of years after that.
My husband wouldn't come home from work on an almost daily basis. Come to find out he was stopping at a friend's house on the way home and claim that he was waiting for his friend to come home work. Why then would one day when I knocked on the door of his friend's house would his friend's wife open the door in nothing but her bathrobe? And the first thing out of her mouth was that they were just talking about me? I was pregnant during that time with Jacob. I remember crying one night we were partying at their house and I wasn't drinking cause I was pregnant, but I remember him and her sneaking around the whole night and then asking me "what was wrong?" I remember not being able to wait until I was no longer pregnant so I could drink too and "feel" like I was back to normal. I was all but normal!
When Jacob was born he got really sick and what did I do Lord? I was easily influenced by my husband to leave town and get away from it all. I was not by the side of my baby boy. What Lord was wrong with me? Please Lord forgive me for this, I am so heartbroken because of it. And I praise you for taking him into your arms and saving his little life. I think I knew you would in the back of my heart but was still so distracted with the influence I had from my husband.
Lots of partying went on in order for me to "feel" comfortable being around all the people my husband at that time wanted to be around so I got pretty used to myself this way and liked who I was. I felt like I was fun to be around and outgoing. I never felt convicted of this however. Until now. Needless to say with drinking and partying comes about infidelity and indecent behavior and language. I was no angel and neither was he. I would flirt and try to get attention that I didn't really want and thought it was fun. For my husband he didn't ever have to drum up the courage with alcohol to do this like I did, he simply committed adultery. I never had proof, but know he did - didn't believe it until after we were apart. I was blind and naive.
I was so blind and naive that I actually thought I was happy in this marriage. I didn't understand why my husband left me at all. That is when I really sought you God, but my prayer was something I thought would be answered immediately. Little did I know your work. Please forgive me.
Then came the hard core drugs. This is the end of from the time I was married to about a 7 year period you could say. I was using meth and marijuana on an almost daily basis...as well as alcohol. I would spend meaningless time with strange people just to not feel alone. I did a lot of stupid things like driving under the influence with my children in the car. I even stole a necklace once thinking that if others got away with it so could I. Please God forgive me. I am so grateful that I didn't hurt those boys physically but emotionally I did. I am so distraught at my conviction. Please have mercy on me.
All the while my boys were staying nights at grandma's or at friends or even with me and at some of the most worst states of minds I could have. They would play with the other kids that were around at the time but never had good influential friendships with any of them since these kids were also facing the same dilemma. I neglected my children Lord and at the most influential time in their life too. I admit it fully. Please forgive me and take this shame away. Please help me to be a better mother.
I am so ashamed at myself. I am so ashamed. Please Lord forgive me for being so thoughtless and reckless with the life you have given me and the life I've given to my boys. I thank you for your salvation and for saving me...I have so many more past sins that I ask for forgiveness of and you know of them so I won't post here, but Lord I am honored by your grace and your blessings that you continue to give me regardless of my track record. Thank you dear God for sending your son, Jesus Christ, to bear the sins of the world. Mine alone are a burden I can't even bear, so I am so grateful. Amen.
My sins all started when I was 14. I began toying with the idea of drinking and getting attention by talking about it...it eased my shyness and helped me relax around the boy I thought was so cute. I actually persuaded and influenced the use of alcohol in the relationship and thought it was okay - if my dad enjoyed drinking then how could he disagree if I did it? This is the thought I had in my mind at the time. I used it as an excuse. I didn't even realize my dad had an illness called alcoholism. I was very naive but didn't ask questions either.
Then of course I became pregnant at 16 and was not married. At the time I thought it was okay as long as I "felt" those cozy emotions that love brings on. Of course I got married and did well the first year after baby Michael was born and was so in love with him that I didn't think of anything else. I didn't really commit much sin until a couple of years after that.
My husband wouldn't come home from work on an almost daily basis. Come to find out he was stopping at a friend's house on the way home and claim that he was waiting for his friend to come home work. Why then would one day when I knocked on the door of his friend's house would his friend's wife open the door in nothing but her bathrobe? And the first thing out of her mouth was that they were just talking about me? I was pregnant during that time with Jacob. I remember crying one night we were partying at their house and I wasn't drinking cause I was pregnant, but I remember him and her sneaking around the whole night and then asking me "what was wrong?" I remember not being able to wait until I was no longer pregnant so I could drink too and "feel" like I was back to normal. I was all but normal!
When Jacob was born he got really sick and what did I do Lord? I was easily influenced by my husband to leave town and get away from it all. I was not by the side of my baby boy. What Lord was wrong with me? Please Lord forgive me for this, I am so heartbroken because of it. And I praise you for taking him into your arms and saving his little life. I think I knew you would in the back of my heart but was still so distracted with the influence I had from my husband.
Lots of partying went on in order for me to "feel" comfortable being around all the people my husband at that time wanted to be around so I got pretty used to myself this way and liked who I was. I felt like I was fun to be around and outgoing. I never felt convicted of this however. Until now. Needless to say with drinking and partying comes about infidelity and indecent behavior and language. I was no angel and neither was he. I would flirt and try to get attention that I didn't really want and thought it was fun. For my husband he didn't ever have to drum up the courage with alcohol to do this like I did, he simply committed adultery. I never had proof, but know he did - didn't believe it until after we were apart. I was blind and naive.
I was so blind and naive that I actually thought I was happy in this marriage. I didn't understand why my husband left me at all. That is when I really sought you God, but my prayer was something I thought would be answered immediately. Little did I know your work. Please forgive me.
Then came the hard core drugs. This is the end of from the time I was married to about a 7 year period you could say. I was using meth and marijuana on an almost daily basis...as well as alcohol. I would spend meaningless time with strange people just to not feel alone. I did a lot of stupid things like driving under the influence with my children in the car. I even stole a necklace once thinking that if others got away with it so could I. Please God forgive me. I am so grateful that I didn't hurt those boys physically but emotionally I did. I am so distraught at my conviction. Please have mercy on me.
All the while my boys were staying nights at grandma's or at friends or even with me and at some of the most worst states of minds I could have. They would play with the other kids that were around at the time but never had good influential friendships with any of them since these kids were also facing the same dilemma. I neglected my children Lord and at the most influential time in their life too. I admit it fully. Please forgive me and take this shame away. Please help me to be a better mother.
I am so ashamed at myself. I am so ashamed. Please Lord forgive me for being so thoughtless and reckless with the life you have given me and the life I've given to my boys. I thank you for your salvation and for saving me...I have so many more past sins that I ask for forgiveness of and you know of them so I won't post here, but Lord I am honored by your grace and your blessings that you continue to give me regardless of my track record. Thank you dear God for sending your son, Jesus Christ, to bear the sins of the world. Mine alone are a burden I can't even bear, so I am so grateful. Amen.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Change in Season
There is only two things that I know to remain constant in this world - change and God. God's love & God's Word always remains constant and "unchanged" while everything in this world changes and it is during His season and with His time. Being that I am a mere child of God who is impaired with flesh and emotion allowing for impatience and fear of the unknown, change is frustrating and I grow tiresome of it. Don't get me wrong, I am open to change, otherwise life would be dull and predicting. I guess I am just not open to it when there is too much all at once.
My family is in upheaval at this time. We are all struggling with unhappiness and uneasiness at this moment due to complicated stress caused by changes. Employment status, age, expectations, and habits all happening at the same time have cause different changes and are now impacting us in this season and it is hitting hard. Sometimes it is hard for me not to be envious of others at this time. I always seem to think they have a wonderful life and are lucky to not be going through what I am, but this thinking is wrong. I realize the biggest obstacle of change is disappointment that is caused by this type of negative thinking which is and always has been the root to creating despair in my life. I am fighting the fight however, and must strive to be positive. I will need God's help. Change is constant just like Him.
Life is like this. But it brings us closer to God and his Word. Our heartaches encourage us to ask for His love, to comfort and to guide us. We as Christians expect God to respond as we know His love - unchanging and always there. I will be glad when the day comes that I am finally with Him so that I remain in His light that will be ever comforting and I will be without change. I find it interesting that it is now that I am just realizing that this eternal life with God is the "happily ever after" that those childhood fairy tales referred to.
This gets me thinking about just how many seasons do we have in our lives? Once blessed after defeating a long trial, I find I feel I will be good to go and be able to handle the next thing that comes about better than the one before. And then I am surprised at how each time I am given a new and different trial that takes me off guard and it is up to me to grow from it rather than to be negative. If I do this upfront and am proactive, the trial will not be as long lasting I hope. I realize positive thinking is very powerful but it is harder to practice than it is to preach.
I pray that I can remember there will be light at the end of the tunnel when I am in despair during a particularly tough season such as the one I and my family are going through now. I pray that I will obey God and His Word He sends me through The Spirit during the trials I and my family are enduring at this time. I pray that when the season is in my favor that I will always remember to thank and praise God just as often as I pray for comfort during the hard seasons in life. I pray that my family will seek and receive you Lord, just as I plan to. I just pray.
My family is in upheaval at this time. We are all struggling with unhappiness and uneasiness at this moment due to complicated stress caused by changes. Employment status, age, expectations, and habits all happening at the same time have cause different changes and are now impacting us in this season and it is hitting hard. Sometimes it is hard for me not to be envious of others at this time. I always seem to think they have a wonderful life and are lucky to not be going through what I am, but this thinking is wrong. I realize the biggest obstacle of change is disappointment that is caused by this type of negative thinking which is and always has been the root to creating despair in my life. I am fighting the fight however, and must strive to be positive. I will need God's help. Change is constant just like Him.
Life is like this. But it brings us closer to God and his Word. Our heartaches encourage us to ask for His love, to comfort and to guide us. We as Christians expect God to respond as we know His love - unchanging and always there. I will be glad when the day comes that I am finally with Him so that I remain in His light that will be ever comforting and I will be without change. I find it interesting that it is now that I am just realizing that this eternal life with God is the "happily ever after" that those childhood fairy tales referred to.
This gets me thinking about just how many seasons do we have in our lives? Once blessed after defeating a long trial, I find I feel I will be good to go and be able to handle the next thing that comes about better than the one before. And then I am surprised at how each time I am given a new and different trial that takes me off guard and it is up to me to grow from it rather than to be negative. If I do this upfront and am proactive, the trial will not be as long lasting I hope. I realize positive thinking is very powerful but it is harder to practice than it is to preach.
I pray that I can remember there will be light at the end of the tunnel when I am in despair during a particularly tough season such as the one I and my family are going through now. I pray that I will obey God and His Word He sends me through The Spirit during the trials I and my family are enduring at this time. I pray that when the season is in my favor that I will always remember to thank and praise God just as often as I pray for comfort during the hard seasons in life. I pray that my family will seek and receive you Lord, just as I plan to. I just pray.
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