So what do you do when you leave church speechless...in utter emotional drama and tears yet feeling so full and joyful at the same time? So much with the spirit inside you but at the same time you don't even remember what the sermon was about?
That was my experience today. After the day passed, I do infact remember the sermon, however what I remember the most was how the spirit overcame our little congregation in our little sanctuary and we were filled. I felt His love for me then and there and yet I wept because of it. Others were weeping too. My heart was fuller at that moment than it has been in a long time.
Later today I recalled that during the sermon I was pondering upon my level of integrity. Where will I be when He comes again? In what state will my heart be? Will I be worried too much of the things of this world whilst caught in a dry state of spirituality as I have been the past 6 months? And if I am in a dry spell will I think to pray for Him to enter my heart and fill it with His light and life to quench my drying spirit?
I once was lost but now know where I am going when life here on earth is over and I am so thankful for this gift and to be loved by my maker. However I know that I can easily be caught up in things and inattentive to subtle changes in life...this I know all too well lately I hate to admit. But there is one thing that I always remind myself of and that one thing always prompts me to get into the word. That one things is love. He loves me. He loves us.
I don't understand it and yet I am not made to. How and why does he love me? I don't get it but it is beautiful. Have you ever wondered the mysterious way of how you have the capacity to believe in something you don't even understand? Yet when filled with the spirit is so easy to understand it completely. It is awesome! God's grace is what it is and what a blessing when it comes! I can't even explain it but if you have this personal relationship with your Savior you know what I am talking about.
I pray that I will obey the promptings of the Lord instead of putting off or discrediting the time I will spend reading in my Word. Due to the subtle changes in life I have allowed my sin to progress to becoming slothful and not feeding the spirit from Your word. I pray that I will make a daily effort to spend time with You. I admit that I have not kept my Savior in the forefront of my mind during this dry spell but know that if I persevere I will be in a green pasture! I just pray, for you know what is in my heart and where I am and I pray that I will receive you when you call me.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Day 2...
Life feels so empty without a partner by your side. If you've never had to do this then you have no idea. However I am not alone completely. I am never alone. I have the Lord. I trust His will. I trust my husband, there is a bond there that I never had before with anyone else.
I find I am trying to figure out ways to quit and go running to him. I know we could make it work if we rent our house out or if he comes back now...but doing so would not be in our best interest. Time will pass and I will adjust and find patience. Last night was the first away and we didn't get the chance to really talk much as he was settling in. Our house seems emptier than ever now and I worry about the things he took care of around the house. I find I am no longer cynical about our marriage and about what he does or doesn't do. It is true what they say in that distance can make the heart grow more fond.
I have things to do on the weekends no doubt, but it is still not the same. I am once again reminded by my family that if we move to WI permanently I will have no family near me. This is true but my family will always be where I can always visit them if I need to or they are just a touch away through the computer. I don't worry about it as everyone else does. Is it that I have outgrown this "needy" phase and they just don't see it? I love my family, but they are no longer my complete life like they were when I was asingle mother ten years ago. I find that I seem to be cast into this stereotype of someone that cannot leave their hometown and family which challenges me to want to leave all the more.
While Charlie's gone I'm not sad, just empty and going through the motions of life is all. I am hoping I can get my flight booked soon and I know I will need a lot longer than a couple days.
Love is funny. It starts out all froo froo, but as you mature in your relationship you find you are more companions than anything. You go through life together and share together. I don't necessarily miss the physical closeness as much as the talking, the cooking, the laughing, the sharing...
I find I am trying to figure out ways to quit and go running to him. I know we could make it work if we rent our house out or if he comes back now...but doing so would not be in our best interest. Time will pass and I will adjust and find patience. Last night was the first away and we didn't get the chance to really talk much as he was settling in. Our house seems emptier than ever now and I worry about the things he took care of around the house. I find I am no longer cynical about our marriage and about what he does or doesn't do. It is true what they say in that distance can make the heart grow more fond.
I have things to do on the weekends no doubt, but it is still not the same. I am once again reminded by my family that if we move to WI permanently I will have no family near me. This is true but my family will always be where I can always visit them if I need to or they are just a touch away through the computer. I don't worry about it as everyone else does. Is it that I have outgrown this "needy" phase and they just don't see it? I love my family, but they are no longer my complete life like they were when I was asingle mother ten years ago. I find that I seem to be cast into this stereotype of someone that cannot leave their hometown and family which challenges me to want to leave all the more.
While Charlie's gone I'm not sad, just empty and going through the motions of life is all. I am hoping I can get my flight booked soon and I know I will need a lot longer than a couple days.
Love is funny. It starts out all froo froo, but as you mature in your relationship you find you are more companions than anything. You go through life together and share together. I don't necessarily miss the physical closeness as much as the talking, the cooking, the laughing, the sharing...
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Day 1...
After dropping my husband off at the airport and then my daughter to my brother's for the day I set off for work where I found myself filling up at the gas station, crying and greiving that I miss my husband. There is an oddity that surrounds this place that I call home now. He's not even been gone a day. I didn't think it would come this soon - probably because we've been on each other's nerves for the past year and a half (other than when we were on vacation) so much so that I thought it would be a relief to be away from each other.
It just feels weird I tell myself. But then I realize it is more than that. It feels like I don't belong here anymore - that I belong where he is. What is this feeling about? The feeling comes when I drive past all the places that he was with me the week before like the grocery store, the bank, IHOP, the pharmacy. I dunno. It is just weird. It is like I know I need to be wherever he is and somehow through all of this I know it isn't here - at least not in the city we've been living in. I've been ready to move for a while now, I've outgrown this house and this area and especially the daily drive and I've come to realize this is going to be the start of some big changes.
You see this has been something we knew about a year and a half ago when Charlie's employer announced they were relocating and as such he'd be getting a nice severance package and/or offer to relocate. I at first liked the idea only as a way of getting out of what life was at the time, a way out of bad daily habits that I created, a way out of having to drive to work 30 minutes every morning, a way out of having to work full time...I say all this cause a year and a half ago I wasn't in good shape. I was in a rut of bad habits and didn't know how to get out. Since then I've come to know the Lord and with His grace the bad habits have been put out of my life. I am left today looking back and it didn't take going to Wisconsin to get back on track to being who I know I am. But after all is said and done I still feel this eagerness to move - I can't explain it....and the thing is moving doesn't entail moving out of state per say, but it sure feels like it...so I guess let's just wait and see.
With what Charlie is doing now by working in WI, we have financial freedom and new options. He will be able to receive a good bonus out of all this and knowing this I am preparing our life to change and that means moving out of this house - not necessarily to WI, but just somewhere different. I don't even know where. Whether we stay here or do move out there, we've come to realize we've changed and have different taste and desires/needs for a home than what we did when we moved out here - what we have now was good for us then, but we are ready for something different. Life has changed a lot, and it has personally changed me a lot.
As more and more time passes it is revealed to me that this has all been a part of God's will - because my relationship with Him didn't really start to bloom until when all this started I know it is His will...but I have no idea what for? How will He use us? And the even more sobering thought is that Charlie has this indication too, he has only mentioned it to me once though. That is the great thing about God's will, you are not meant to understand it, just trust it.
It just feels weird I tell myself. But then I realize it is more than that. It feels like I don't belong here anymore - that I belong where he is. What is this feeling about? The feeling comes when I drive past all the places that he was with me the week before like the grocery store, the bank, IHOP, the pharmacy. I dunno. It is just weird. It is like I know I need to be wherever he is and somehow through all of this I know it isn't here - at least not in the city we've been living in. I've been ready to move for a while now, I've outgrown this house and this area and especially the daily drive and I've come to realize this is going to be the start of some big changes.
You see this has been something we knew about a year and a half ago when Charlie's employer announced they were relocating and as such he'd be getting a nice severance package and/or offer to relocate. I at first liked the idea only as a way of getting out of what life was at the time, a way out of bad daily habits that I created, a way out of having to drive to work 30 minutes every morning, a way out of having to work full time...I say all this cause a year and a half ago I wasn't in good shape. I was in a rut of bad habits and didn't know how to get out. Since then I've come to know the Lord and with His grace the bad habits have been put out of my life. I am left today looking back and it didn't take going to Wisconsin to get back on track to being who I know I am. But after all is said and done I still feel this eagerness to move - I can't explain it....and the thing is moving doesn't entail moving out of state per say, but it sure feels like it...so I guess let's just wait and see.
With what Charlie is doing now by working in WI, we have financial freedom and new options. He will be able to receive a good bonus out of all this and knowing this I am preparing our life to change and that means moving out of this house - not necessarily to WI, but just somewhere different. I don't even know where. Whether we stay here or do move out there, we've come to realize we've changed and have different taste and desires/needs for a home than what we did when we moved out here - what we have now was good for us then, but we are ready for something different. Life has changed a lot, and it has personally changed me a lot.
As more and more time passes it is revealed to me that this has all been a part of God's will - because my relationship with Him didn't really start to bloom until when all this started I know it is His will...but I have no idea what for? How will He use us? And the even more sobering thought is that Charlie has this indication too, he has only mentioned it to me once though. That is the great thing about God's will, you are not meant to understand it, just trust it.
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