Love God. Love Others.10 Ponderings of the Heart

These words have been echoing in my heart the last couple of weeks, "Love God. Love Others." Matt 22:36-40  Why? Because as I see the world around me I know that this is the true Church, the only Church. Jesus told us so long ago that it is the most important thing we can do. He has commanded us to Love. Yet today His message is just as powerful as ever and the world is in need of it.

So as I've been thinking about these two greatest commandments, I have also been prompted to talk about them from my heart; Love God and Love Others. As I ponder on them and what they mean I hope to glean new understanding in my walk and become closer to God on a new level as well as anyone who may be reading this. There is always something revealed new with the Holy Spirit when you seek the answers to your questions. Our God is alive and active!

First, God is Love. What does Love produce? More Love. Of course if we love God first, it is intrinsically natural that we will feel expressions of love for others. Our view point changes about them and we find that we care for them. But how does a person love God if they do not know Him or believe in Him first?

Not all of us have that spiritual side from when we were children that connects to God without first knowing Jesus. Not everyone knows the sound of that still, small voice. For me, I've known Him for years as Father, Son, and Spirit before I knew Him each separately. For others they may struggle to know Him in any form at all.

I think the first spark of love for God would be to have the a faith that Jesus died on the cross for our sins. Even a small amount of faith can move mountains. If you don't have this, ask yourself why? What are you afraid of? Ask Him, even if you have never prayed before, whisper in His ear the question why and ask him to help you to find Him. Ask Him to reveal Himself to you. He will show you things to repent of that you may not have been aware of before. Be authentic and ask for His forgiveness. When you feel the urge to sin of the thing you repent of, stop and ask of His help. Every day set a quiet time aside to continue to seek Him until you feel His peace and presence. It is an unmistakable feeling.

These two greatest commandments, loving God and loving others is given to us by His original ten commandments. I, myself, only recently understood them in a revealing new way and yet I am already 43 years old. You'd think when you read about the story of the commandments that God instructs Moses to give to His people in Exodus, you understand them, that they'd be simple to follow. They are cut and dry right? Almost like tasks. Yet as we try to work to keep them we almost fail immediately day by day. The key isn't in our work, but in Jesus'.

I love how the Old Testament is the gateway to the New. Like the Israelites who wandered aimlessly as well as myself, we may be in our 40's, 50's, even 80's before we come to truly understand who we are in Christ. Telling and reading the stories is one thing but it is another when you believe with your heart and your eyes and ears become opened. This is where revelation happens! I hope you'll read the next post where I'd like to ponder on the 1st of the 10 commands in Loving God and Loving Others.

Words

Have you ever gotten a word from the Lord over and over when asking Him a question that the sound of the word He spoke just resonates with you still today?

Mine was "Encourage" - I had been asking the Lord for a long time what His will is for my life and to help me to know and this was the word he gave me. The story of Barnabas in the Bible spoke to me about this new role Jesus has given to me yet I haven't done much with it since then, well, not as much as I'd like to talk about. For a while I would write letters or send cards to people at random that I knew.

For another while I purposefully went on everyone's Facebook profile and sent them a little note to wish them well for the day.

I have also sent emails or even just prayed for them.

But as of lately I haven't been doing any of these things. I find that today is a day to repent of this and work back toward that word the Lord gave me so long ago. His plans don't change, only mine do, and I pray for this word to continue to resonate through my heart for as long as it is beating.

Amen

In his eyes...

The day started like any other day...being that it was Friday and the end of another work week there is always something to smile about. The weather here was still cold and wintry but since everywhere else on the map outside of Wisconsin was going through the same thing I didn't feel so bad.

As the day approached I had made plans to hit up the grocery store after getting home from work. Savannah and daddy had a father daughter dance to attend so I thought I'd make good use of the time and get some shopping done to eliminate one of many chores for the weekend. I also found it exciting to have a couple hours to myself uninterrupted and because of this I tried to think of something to do for just me.

Since I have recently been redoing the theme in my kitchen my mind has been preoccupied non-stop to look at every store I shop at to see if I could find any hidden treasures to add to my collection. It occurred to me that since we've moved out here I have not once shopped at a Goodwill. "What a great idea," I thought and in that same moment I remembered that I also needed to drop off a bag I had in the back of the car for a while of old clothes and some wall hangings. How cool was that I could take care of another chore and hadn't even planned to.

And there he was. On the corner of Main and Pecan street across from the Goodwill. I saw him standing there with his cardboard sign that said, "Homeless. Anything helps." He was an older man from what I could see. He looked cold and like he'd been there a while. I turned the corner and tried to catch sight of him in the rear view mirror to make sure I really saw him and didn't just imagine it. Most folks I see on the side of the road like this I don't look twice at but this one was different.

I parked my car in the Goodwill drop off area, handed the gentleman my bag and stood outside the car to wait for my receipt. The relentless wind had become flurries of snowfall and as I waited I began to feel worried and kept peering over to that intersection to see if the man was still there or if he left because of the weather.

I went inside found some wall hangings that I fell in love with and hurried out the door. As I drove across the street where I was planning on shopping I glanced over at him again and I knew I needed to do something, but what? I didn't have any cash, I found out while making my purchase at Goodwill that I had left my debit card at home by mistake...so what could I do? Then it hit me..if I was hungry then he must have been hungrier. I stopped to get myself something to eat using my spare credit card but added an extra meal onto the ticket. I remember trying to decide what to get him, what would he be hungry for? Then it donned on me that unlike me, he doesn't have the privilege to make choices like I do for what I want and don't want to eat.

I tried to tell myself that I would wait to give him the food after I did my grocery shopping, if he was still there when I drove back past the intersection. If he wasn't I was sure my son would eat the food later that night. Then I felt a silence come over me. No, I thought. I need to take this to him now. No being scared like the last time. I can do all things through Christ.

I quickly ordered and anticipated getting back to that corner of the intersection, planned where I would park to make sure I was out of the way of traffic. I prayed to the Lord to help me the whole time and wasn't sure what I was going to say but yet I didn't feel at lack either.

I parked the car, checked traffic, grabbed the food and quickly walked up to him. He saw me coming but he didn't look to see what I had, he just looked me straight in the eyes. As I approached him I noticed his face was red, his skin was weathered, he had shoulder length white hair, and he was wearing a long winter coat that wasn't buttoned up. I got closer and as I did I will never forget how sad his pale blue eyes looked as they reflected off of mine. He took off his gloves, took the bag of food and I remember saying, "It's cold out here, you should have some dinner. God bless you," and he returned a genuine "God bless you" to me and finished with a "Thank you."

I quickly walked to my car in the wind and noticed the driver of the car passing me by turned to look back at me. I drove back into traffic and was so flourished in the Spirit that I almost ran a stop sign. After I made it to the grocery store I ate my own dinner in the parking lot and thanked God. I felt as if people were staring at me knowing what I did, but I didn't care, it wasn't between them and me it was between me, Jesus, and the homeless man.

As I drove home from grocery shopping that night the sun was setting and I remember feeling bummed out because I had spent more than anticipated. Just as quickly as I thought this I passed that intersection and the homeless man was gone. In that same instant I felt so awful for feeling sorry for myself about what I just spent when he was probably trying to find somewhere to sleep for the night. I started weeping and couldn't stop - not even after I got home.

My heart broke that night and Jesus walked with me right through it all teaching me His way. I will never be the same because of it.

On The Big Ten...

Yesterday's sermon was a good one. We are having a series on the Ten Commandments and are on the 6th commandment, Exodus 20:12,“Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the Lord your God is giving you."

Oh how I wish my eyes and ears were opened to The Word when I was young so that I could have really seen my father in different eyes and gave him honor and obedience when I was young.

Growing up I was scared of him, he yelled and said a lot of things that were hurtful to me, but I had it coming since I was living life without any cares and doing things I wanted rather than heeding any instruction at all. Things were never my fault, always everyone elses.

Back then I didn't know that he was only trying to help me and in the best way he knew how. I ave learned that parents really do the best from what they know, and if it isn't up to our standards we are to forgive them and honor and respect them anyway.

Now that I know differently and wish I would have listened to my father when I had the time to do so and could have made my life a lot easier. I didn't know what he meant by a lot of things he said and now I wish I would have felt compelled to ask him to explain what he wanted to tell me. I know what he was trying to say was much different than what I thought I heard.

The pastor shared this with us,

"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years.” - Mark Twain

I wrote this one down as I completely related to it. It made me realize that all this time I thought my dad had changed when in fact it was mostly me who changed. I grew up and became wiser.

Sure my dad did change - he stopped drinking and wasn't as mouthy or mean as he was when I was 13  - he became gentile and caring. I thought it was he who grew this way but I can see it goes both ways. I know in my heart that he held high hopes for me and expectations as any father does. It was only until I got older that I understood all along that he was instructing me to be different. I just didn't listen. I had to live the hard way and find out for myself.

I am so appreciative that I had time before my dad passed on to reconcile with him. To show him that I honored and respected him. I am very lucky where others are not.

So I am a slow learner here...but I am learning and I am loving learning whenever I can! I just wish it didn't hurt anyone in the process. I am so thankful for the living Word that speaks to me and for the Holy Spirit that was given to me through Christ.

It's been a long time...

I caught myself reading my blog here today. It is amazing how in just moments I became inspired with what I wrote! If I hadn't known I was reading my own blog I wouldn't have been able to tell you that these posts came from me...in fact I don't even recollect those feelings ever existed in me to write such wonderful things. But now just as soon as I obey allowing God to open my heart - everything I know of the Truth and Love all comes pouring back in. See how long it has been?

Over the last 8 months I have regretfully let myself become distracted with being lazy in my walk. I am the only one to blame knowing that I have distanced myself from the Lord. And it is sad that I knew it would happen all along...just letting the light become more and more dim each day. I have been ignoring the promptings from what I know to keep myself built up - I stopped going to church, I stopped associating with the people from church, I stopped reading my Bible, and I stopped blogging about my walk. However I didn't stop believing. I know He still keeps watch on me and that I am truly unhappy when I don't keep near Him. Why then do I seem to continue on this path of life with the struggle to wander off from time to time?

Where did my zealousness go? When did my drive and excitement for life through the church of Jesus Christ leave? I am reminded of how my mother so long ago told me to keep encouraged, that I have a gift for writing. But my gift is not for writing, it is for living in the Light. We all have this gift. And yes, we must be encouraged to remain in it. This is why we need others in our lives at all times who are on the same walk with God. They may be at a different time in their walk, but they are walking just the same. I read in Ecclesiastes 4:10 "If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up." So for my mom to have said this to me is something I will never forget and it is what has kept me inspired to keep this blog especially lately when I haven't felt I have lived a well enough life to tell about it.

Reflecting through these past few months, I realize I am still learning and growing. Maybe I am not so stagnant after all? I found that when I am not sinning I do better to recognize the enemy's voice coercing me to sin. This is something I think the Lord needs me to do believe it or not. To recognize when I am being tempted and to continue to seek Him for strength. And how could I know this if I hadn't been tempted in the first place? I don't always listen to take note and hear the enemy's voice so many times I never knew what was going on really, I just listened to it and followed it.  The enemy thrives on my shortfalls and tries to bring me down each and every time. Satan makes it sound so appealing but then I am reminded of how in sin I feel horrible and dirty so much to the point that I am drawn to be nearer to the Lord. And yes, just like my father my Heavenly Father has to teach me the hard way to get me to listen.

Just like Satan who doesn't give up on tempting me, Jesus too never gives up on me. It is up to me to seek and listen when he responds to my prayers. I find that I am starting to be able to admit that I cannot do this alone and that in itself opens my heart for His love. (Part of my struggle has been allowing Satan leading me to believe my prayers are insignificant and that I should not be worthy to even have them, but that is another lesson I am still learning and will probably write about some time during this journey.)

I have been allowing my thoughts to become depressed thinking aobut reaching the last year of my third decade. I feel old and that I have wasted so many good years of my life not knowing God therefore where can I go now? Will I be strong enough to pursue living a life that pleases him? Why couldn't I have chosen the path early in life like so many others? I've allowed my self to feel that I haven't accomplished anything for God's sake so where will my next half of life mean for anything if I spend it learning how to become Christ like. I felt I should be mature in my faith by now so that I could be the role model for my daughter that I wasn't for my boys so many years ago. I realize this is again the enemy getting at me. He tries to trick me into thinking I am not good enough for my Heavenly Father that He would even want me. I sometimes agree with him that I shouldn't try to be someone I am not. And then I know better. I know I am a child of God and that he loves me. I know that Jesus encourages me to live my life for God and do all that I can to strive to be better, but that He also loves me the way I am. And so my battle here is perfection. I am led to believe that I need to be fully worthy in everything I do in order to gain His love at all, but that isn't true.

I meant only to post a short amount here but as you can see much more emotions and spirit is coming forth than I had thought would and as I write this I picture myself starting all over in the morning with the last 8 months I have wasted to be past me, yet it is much harder than that. I know tomorrow I will still be struggling with keeping my life on the path near God, but He is always there in every morning's light. In my thoughts, my prayers, and my heart. I realize how important church is in order to stay encouraged and in the Love He has given us, that the fellowship with others really makes this life more bearable for the time we are here. The strength that it gives us to hold fast against temptation and the beauty it brings to our life, our words, and our thoughts. (Even in blogging!) I pray that I will return back and no longer allow myself to be tricked thinking I am a stranger feeling out of place.

This lifetime of mine is only a day of His eternity, and while I have this inspiration this very moment to write and share my walk's experience, I also know I must truly learn to be careful. He listens to my cry from the path across Him, He is waiting for me to come toward the light during this dark period. And I can't help but be tempted to feel I have failed because yet again he is waiting for me. I start to wonder how many times I do this before he will not wait any longer. Then I reminded of the story He gave about forgiveness and how many times a person shall be forgiven and I also remember the scriptures that tell me the Spirit and that God's love will never leave once we accept the Lord. (Romans 8:9-11 & 8:38 )

I love the Lord. I Thank Him for His love for me. I am a child of God.

"For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow."
~ James 1:3, NLT

Don't close your eyes!

Savannah, my daughter, always sends keen messages to me. Messages that remind me I am a daughter of God.

The other afternoon she and I were at our new church. It was after a luncheon given to those that are new to the congregation. She grabbed my hand, and said, "Mom, I have a surprise. Close your eyes and hold my hand." I instantly replied, "I can't close my eyes or I might trip!" She said back to me, "I will hold on to you." She then led me into another room, had me open my eyes and then pointed to a baby crawling in the foyer. She said, "See. Look!"

It was the cutest thing. Of course Savannah loves babies. Who doesn't. But the message that hit me here was when I said, "I can't close my eyes or I might trip!"

This is so true! I have been battling many spiritual warfare and even slipped some away from the Gospel because I have been shutting my eyes rather than keeping them open where I can remain in a cautious state of mind.

But Savannah's second message occurred to me...that even though my eyes were shut, Christ still held my hand all the way through. Leading me and making sure I didn't fall!

I thank my Heavenly Father for the gift of His son and the Holy Spirit for always being near and reminding me of the Gospel so that when I don't "feel" near I remember my faith and am given a renewed hope to continue forward.

John 14:17 (Amplified Bible)
"The Spirit of Truth, Whom the world cannot receive (welcome, take to its heart), because it does not see Him or know and recognize Him. But you know and recognize Him, for He lives with you [constantly] and will be in you."

John 14:26 (Amplified Bible)
"But the Comforter (Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, Standby), the Holy Spirit, Whom the Father will send in My name [in My place, to represent Me and act on My behalf], He will teach you all things. And He will cause you to recall (will remind you of, bring to your remembrance) everything I have told you."

Another message that has struck me well this week after my Bible reading is of how can I expect God to remain near me when I am not near Him?

James 4:8 (New Living Translation)
"Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world."

Thank you Lord for your word and your guidance through Christ and your Holy spirit! I pray I will remain obedient and thirsty for your life and love. May the enemy have no power over me!

Prayer Request

So here I am. It has been a while. I find I usually do not want to write here in this blog unless I am completely and whole heartedly on the right side of my walk - meaning when I am in awe of the spirit and led to write about the awesome things. I feel led today though to share where I have been. I have been in need to identify and deal with what I am going through rather than waiting painstakingly for this season to pass.

However today I want to remind myself that just because the name Christian has Christ in it, does not mean we are perfect. I need prayer and what better way to ask for it than to post a request here?

So here I am, struggling with sin and have allowed to let my walk go by the wayside. I read others' blogs and they are always so in tune with God and His Word, I begin to wonder what is wrong with me? Why do I feel the need to also post the times I am in battle.

I thought at first I was going through spiritual warfare, but today I know I am simply being convicted. I so badly wanted to live my life differently 2 years ago and then when I started this walk it was so awesome I never thought I would allow anything to interfere with my relationship with God.

Boy was I wrong. I have tripped up with sin. Sin of slothfulness, coveting, worrying, and lack of self control.

Sure I can blame it on our moving, I can blame it on the stress, I can blame things all I want but reality is that I am allowing my walk to go on the wayside. I say allowing because I am not over this yet, I have a lot of work to do. But I need prayer to start with. Prayer allows God to move, this I know.

In comparison to what I see other Christians write I realize that this is because as a Christian we are to lift each other up, and that those I read online are probably doing very well in their walk. They are great influences and examples to me. But I still wonder, does anyone have these struggles too and just does not write about them?

As I am working on these issues in my walk, I know with Christ there is always a renewed hope each morning, therefore today I am hopeful. Today I will pray rather than worry. Today I will be joyful and be obedient.

Yes, I sometimes need to take life, but more importantly my walk with God, one day at a time, not every day is perfect for me. Not every day have I tried either. Please pray that I may have and keep my faith and obedience just for today.

On forgiveness...

"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4:32

I have been pondering lately about forgiveness. It isn't an easy thing to do yet we are commanded to do so as our Father has forgiven us of our sins. Years ago my brother Marty once gave me good advice during a time I was not living a well life and hurt a lot of people, especially my parents, he said, "As long as you're doing the things you are 'supposed' to be doing, you will be fine." I realize now what he meant but at that time I didn't know how to apply it nor did I have a relationship with Christ.

There is much more great insight in the book of Ephesians beginning in verse 17 that have great instruction about losing touch with God by allowing to keep hardness of heart and being calloused. But ultimately the verse I posted above makes the clear point - to forgive as we are forgiven. If we know God and our scriptures we know then that we must have trust and faith in forgiveness is it produces many fruits of the spirit and without it how will we grow in character as well as our relationship with our heavenly Father and expect to live with Him someday?

I often think of those that have not forgiven people. I feel sorry for them in that they don't seem to get it. They must not be aware of grace and love that will pour on them by trusting in this act that Christ teaches us by His own example. I pray for them that they will realize it isn't about being right or wrong, that it isn't about who hurt who or who is stronger willed and will not step down give up and say sorry and try and work things out. I hope they realize that it is a sin between them and God and until they acknowledge this I have to question will they ever have a desire to forgive?

I have lived with much question and anger off and during my life however year and a half ago I found who I am in Christ and that is when my character began changing after accepting my Savior. I finally realized that the unanswered questions no longer hurt me, that the enemy didn't have power any longer. Christ's gift of light instilled in me, as it is said in the book of John, and withstood the darkeness - the darkness cannot understand the light! What a transformation I have been going through. I was done with feeling hurt and recognized it as work of the enemy. I can only pray now that they will not let the enemy take use of the circumstance forever, after all we are here for only such a short time.

As I still grow in this Walk with God and continue in this new life in getting to know Christ my Savior I am continually a changed person. Daily I take inventory of all the things I do, my thoughts, my actions and even though I pray to God and know he knows my thoughts before they are thought, I still ask Him to show me where I may need to forgive others or how I may show them love. I find that I am still this new being all the time with the Holy Spirit bountifully alive in my heart just anew as it was when I first came into it and as long as I obey and keep close to Him I am filled with His joy!

On Moving

We have officially put our house up for sale. The time is right in that Charlie's job in Wisconsin is looking like he will get to remain working after his temporary assignment. I think a lot of things just happen as they should, in the order they should, and that is when I know it is God's will.

We were given an option of Charlie gaining a job out in Phoenix Arizona, however he and I both feel we are being tested. You see ever since Charlie's job was announced it would end a year and a half ago I was led by the spirit that we would be moving to wherever that was. I didn't think a lot about it as I mentioned in past posts other than a way to get out of some bad habits in life, but as time has passed and I have grown more in my walk with Christ I find that there is a different purpose He has for us.

Some people ask me if I really want to live there, and I know there is not a lot to do there or the weather is so extreme in the winter, but I do want to for reasons that people don't understand and I know we will succeed. I think of Phillipians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me." - We both have a really good feeling about the move especially after being led to go to a church out there. I get excited in anticipation of what the future holds for our little family. There is just so much more in this world than things to do and things to look at where you live, things that I cannot explain to someone that doesn't have a relationship with Christ. Doesn't mean our life will be perfect but as long as we have faith and trust in where He is taking us, it will work out fine.

I have to tell you about this God led church though. It isn't anything fantastic or hugely large, but it is an answer to a prayer and is God sent! You see I have been praying since Charlie left in April to find a church or some way for him to connect to being involed in church while he is out there so that if we do move out there this part will be in place. I don't think I could move and adjust to such changes without Christ in my life so it was important to me that we meet Him wherever we go and if Charlie got a head start on this part of it, I would know God's plan for us. Our church here too also prayed for this.

So one day I get a phone call from Charlie with ecstatic news, he was out in the company vehicle and got a flat tire. While he was waiting for the tire to be fixed he went across the street to Taco Bell to pass the time and he met up with a Pastor of a local church. We went to this church the next week and found it was only a 5 minute drive from his apartment. It was awesome and the sermon was geared to family and children. The people were very nice and very welcoming and since then Charlie has gone back. I can't wait until we go again and have Savannah go to the children's service.

So it is officially time to start this move, I trust in the Lord who is leading us and no matter where a person ends up living, life is full when He is present in your heart. My prayer is that our family will be closer in unity with Christ and as one and that we may grow in Christ there. And that by letting His will be done we will learn to always be obedient to the Holy Spirit.

What do you do?

So what do you do when you leave church speechless...in utter emotional drama and tears yet feeling so full and joyful at the same time? So much with the spirit inside you but at the same time you don't even remember what the sermon was about?

That was my experience today. After the day passed, I do infact remember the sermon, however what I remember the most was how the spirit overcame our little congregation in our little sanctuary and we were filled. I felt His love for me then and there and yet I wept because of it. Others were weeping too. My heart was fuller at that moment than it has been in a long time.

Later today I recalled that during the sermon I was pondering upon my level of integrity. Where will I be when He comes again? In what state will my heart be? Will I be worried too much of the things of this world whilst caught in a dry state of spirituality as I have been the past 6 months? And if I am in a dry spell will I think to pray for Him to enter my heart and fill it with His light and life to quench my drying spirit?

I once was lost but now know where I am going when life here on earth is over and I am so thankful for this gift and to be loved by my maker. However I know that I can easily be caught up in things and inattentive to subtle changes in life...this I know all too well lately I hate to admit. But there is one thing that I always remind myself of and that one thing always prompts me to get into the word. That one things is love. He loves me. He loves us.

I don't understand it and yet I am not made to. How and why does he love me? I don't get it but it is beautiful. Have you ever wondered the mysterious way of how you have the capacity to believe in something you don't even understand? Yet when filled with the spirit is so easy to understand it completely. It is awesome! God's grace is what it is and what a blessing when it comes! I can't even explain it but if you have this personal relationship with your Savior you know what I am talking about.

I pray that I will obey the promptings of the Lord instead of putting off or discrediting the time I will spend reading in my Word. Due to the subtle changes in life I have allowed my sin to progress to becoming slothful and not feeding the spirit from Your word. I pray that I will make a daily effort to spend time with You. I admit that I have not kept my Savior in the forefront of my mind during this dry spell but know that if I persevere I will be in a green pasture! I just pray, for you know what is in my heart and where I am and I pray that I will receive you when you call me.

Day 1...

After dropping my husband off at the airport and then my daughter to my brother's for the day I set off for work where I found myself filling up at the gas station, crying and greiving that I miss my husband. There is an oddity that surrounds this place that I call home now. He's not even been gone a day. I didn't think it would come this soon - probably because we've been on each other's nerves for the past year and a half (other than when we were on vacation) so much so that I thought it would be a relief to be away from each other.

It just feels weird I tell myself. But then I realize it is more than that. It feels like I don't belong here anymore - that I belong where he is. What is this feeling about? The feeling comes when I drive past all the places that he was with me the week before like the grocery store, the bank, IHOP, the pharmacy. I dunno. It is just weird. It is like I know I need to be wherever he is and somehow through all of this I know it isn't here - at least not in the city we've been living in. I've been ready to move for a while now, I've outgrown this house and this area and especially the daily drive and I've come to realize this is going to be the start of some big changes.

You see this has been something we knew about a year and a half ago when Charlie's employer announced they were relocating and as such he'd be getting a nice severance package and/or offer to relocate. I at first liked the idea only as a way of getting out of what life was at the time, a way out of bad daily habits that I created, a way out of having to drive to work 30 minutes every morning, a way out of having to work full time...I say all this cause a year and a half ago I wasn't in good shape. I was in a rut of bad habits and didn't know how to get out. Since then I've come to know the Lord and with His grace the bad habits have been put out of my life. I am left today looking back and it didn't take going to Wisconsin to get back on track to being who I know I am. But after all is said and done I still feel this eagerness to move - I can't explain it....and the thing is moving doesn't entail moving out of state per say, but it sure feels like it...so I guess let's just wait and see.

With what Charlie is doing now by working in WI, we have financial freedom and new options. He will be able to receive a good bonus out of all this and knowing this I am preparing our life to change and that means moving out of this house - not necessarily to WI, but just somewhere different. I don't even know where. Whether we stay here or do move out there, we've come to realize we've changed and have different taste and desires/needs for a home than what we did when we moved out here - what we have now was good for us then, but we are ready for something different. Life has changed a lot, and it has personally changed me a lot.

As more and more time passes it is revealed to me that this has all been a part of God's will - because my relationship with Him didn't really start to bloom until when all this started I know it is His will...but I have no idea what for? How will He use us? And the even more sobering thought is that Charlie has this indication too, he has only mentioned it to me once though. That is the great thing about God's will, you are not meant to understand it, just trust it.

Earplugs....an armor of God?

The other night as I lay waiting for sleep, it never fails. Just as I get cozy and my mind calms down and am drifting off, something wakes me up. Usually it's snoring either by my husband or Pugsley, our female pug. Sometimes it's the fish tank or the neighbor's dog - no matter what it may be, I have always been a light sleeper.

Come to think of it, every night I lay awake while thinking of things. I am always the last one to fall asleep. Is this because I'm a light sleeper or because I can only seem to filter my thoughts when life quiets down? My husband even tells me from time to time that I think too much and yes this is very true. My brain takes its sweet time processing but I also enjoy pondering things.

So as I grabbed my pair of earplugs and enjoyed the quietness they brought, I thought, "I wish I could do this to those evil thoughts that I hear so often." And it occurred to me that its not earplugs I need for this, it is to be in the Word and relish in the Word. If I am spending my time thinking about God and His Word then how can Satan fit in and try to manipulate my thinking with his hidden agendas?

I pray that I will continue to grow in the Word and hold fast to my faith regardless of this "arid season" I am going through in my walk with God. Yes, I pray that the Word will speak to me again soon and He will enlighten me with His presence ever so strong.

A fellow Christian recently advised me that this "dry spell" is normal, that there are mountaintops and valleys. I've just allowed myself to think all this time I must be living in sin to have His presence missing, but I know this isn't true and it is what the enemy would like for me to believe. I must remain faithful, for the reward in the end will be well worth it!

"Jesus Loves the Little Ones"

As I was preparing for my Sunday school lesson for today with a Valentine's Day theme, I was reminded how much Jesus loves the little one's. It got me to thinking...

It is easy to love God's little children, for they have had not the time to become corrupted. They do not understand the separation from God as you and I do. They are still naive, pure, innocent, and naturally close to God. They just brighten your day.

The world has created every one of us to change from when we were little children. Things like the environment for which we live, lack of values or integrity taught, and the void left from worldly things that never fulfill our spirit. Even we as parents persuade our children to believe what we do and we don't even know how much rubs off on them until sometimes they are grown.

We were all little one's once and are reminded in the Bible that we ought to come to Jesus as if little children. Our hearts need be like theirs; honest, selfless, and sincere.

But to find love as naturally for those that do not have these qualities, now that is a something a little more for me to work on. I get insecure of their behavior, thoughts, or attitudes. I do not trust their motives. I tend to make bad choices when I interact with them and am left with the aftermath of frustration that I allowed them to influence me. The enemy knows this about me. He knows that I forget in only moments of what the Bible verse in Corinthians says about bad company corrupting good morals. But how can I love someone if I don't "like" them? Or better yet, how do I show someone I love them if being around them is too risky for my growing in Christianity? Am I alone in this feeling?

I think of the example of when Jesus just sat with the tax collector. He just sat and spent time with this man who knew he was a sinful man. How come I can't be like that? Why can't I simply spend time with people and just enjoy to be around them and not allow myself to be persuaded or influenced by them? Why does it seem like I am not allowing my light God has given me to influence them instead as Jesus did?

It then occurs to me as I write this that Jesus had the full armor of God.

I have been reading Proverbs these past few weeks and have learned a great deal of wisdom and taking heed about flattery, deceitfulness, and strife and what things can separate close friends. But so far I have not learned much about love. Should I skip to a different book? No, God instructs me to remain right where I am so as to discern my path first; something I never knew I could discern. My path has always just been to follow whatever came along, I never really understood what it meant by keeping it "straight" or that I had any say in doing so. Reading God's Word shows me the way to refrain from influential things in this world. I am still building my armor. I think ultimately learning to love they way Jesus did will be the end result once the armor is built and strong.

And all the while I try to comprehend His love for me, I still have not learned to love at all and He is okay with this. Like Proverbs says having the sincere desire and consistent seeking is what He wants from me. I pray for Him to continually teach me. It is unfathomable of the love He has for me let alone everyone of this world...deep down we are all like children, those little one's Jesus loves. I need to remember what it felt like when I was a child and come to Jesus in that way...I need to do this more often and learning to Love will come...as long as I continue to seek.

I read somewhere that it is easier to love than it is to hate, so why do I struggle with love? I find that I must first build my armor and follow His example of love. I can only do this by getting in the Word and I need to be patient with myself. Take note of the first three words in this verse:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud."
Corinthians 13:4

"Rest"

While pondering on my previous post and exposing my lack of spiritual presence, I happened to come across a good article online while seeking some inspiration. The article was about being "cluttered" and the Lord showing the author that a person can't eat at a table if it is cluttered. This article and a conversation with the Lord tonight revealed to me that I am just that. This is what is keeping me in the valley. I am living in my cluttered heart full of thoughts and ideas and events. The effort I do make in feeding my spirit cannot give me any response if my heart and head are already too full. The Lord told me tonight to "rest" and I knew exactly what he meant yet I looked it up in the dictionary anyway.

To be still and quiet in this world is great feat sometimes especially to a cluttered mind as mine so often gets. I pray tonight then after this conversation with my Lord and my insights gained therein that I will be still and quiet...trust and listen. That His words will be instilled in my heart throughout the rest of this evening. That quickly reading the Bible or other's inspirational blogs and daily devotionals are not always going to give me what I need to hear if I am not listening. But it is His word out of it all that impacted me the most tonight and it is His words that I long to continue to hear for the answers I am seeking and I will hear them but not a moment sooner than I am supposed to. This I know. And as He has reminded me as to why I go through these periods, well as you all know it is only to draw us nearer to Him. Yes. I shall rest now. No worry or doubt. Just be still and listen. Pray for me.

Why I am a Christian

I have been contemplating something for all my life. The truth.

The verse below describes what I feel.

Job 32:18 NLT
"For I am full of pent-up words,and the spirit within me urges me on."

The question that I am led to find an answer for:

1 Peter 3:15 NLT
"Instead, you must worship Christ as Lord of your life. And if someone asks about your Christian hope, always be ready to explain it."

Why do I believe what I do? Sure I've always felt good about things or known what the results would be if given a generic answer, but I was never really able to truly answer why I believed what I believe. I needed to know and unfortunately until I finally asked myself this question, I found I didn't really believe in anything to my surprise.

This verse has really been etched in my mind. When asked, what will I say?

I have noticed others when asked as to why they believe what they believe I hear them replying with "We" statements rather than "I" statements. "We believe" this or "We practice" that. It almost sounds as if they have rehearsed the faith statements given by their religion or church and have used it for their answer of why they have hope. But where is the answer explaining the root of their belief on a personal level? Most importantly, where is mine?

After some thought I hope to find that maybe they weren't prepared for this answer either. That their thoughts and beliefs are not just stemmed from the church they are attending and that they truly do have an intimate relationship with Christ. This happens all the time though. People get in the "We" mode and don't think for ourselves, myself included. Had I been asked a year or more ago why I believe what I do, I hate to say that I wouldn't have been able to tell you.

While I don't have a lot of knowledge of religion, I do have the experience of having been in one and know now that I never felt it was "right" or "true" to practice there in. Not for me it wasn't. That plain. That simple.

You see, I was raised in the LDS church and from my memory we did some of the practices such as family home evening or girls camp - really good quality time spent together and as a child I soaked it all in. But I never recalled reading scripture or having discussions personally as a family. I don't ever remember being taught that personal relationship with Jesus was something I could have.

Maybe this is the root of my unbelief then? That I was uneducated? Educated or not, the naivety along with no desire or inquisition of the religion I grew up in, I was not subject to grow in it. I don't think I was supposed to either. I believe God has a plan for all of us to come to know Him in a unique way and in His timing.

Since then I've never had the desire to seek any religion. Just God. And now that I have truly found God, I have also found Christ. I have found Him like I've never found Him before.

Why do I believe what I do? Why am I a Christian? Because I wouldn't dare put anyone else's name in place of Christ and for good reasons:

1. Christ is complete. Whole. There is no need for anyone else. His son to whom He gave to us on purpose for purpose. Praise Him and the Word He delivers to us through the messages. Doing this completes me. I have no need for anything else. If I did, why then would Christ's second coming be so important? No wonder why I never understood - I was reading the wrong book and was taught religion, not relationship!

2. I have a personal relationship with God, Christ, and the Holy Spirit - the trinity. These are the three living beings that constantly reveal to me God's plan of love, compassion, mercy, grace, conviction, forgiveness, etc. that I cannot deny! I find God's Word every time I open the Bible or simply in prayer or conversation with Him. Add to this the messages received and praise given to glorify Him completely charges my spiritual battery! I am spoken to in so many ways and am so appreciative of it. Grace and miracles are so abundant before my very eyes.

3. I love Jesus and am amazed by His sacrifice for me. I know His plan of salvation for me and I know that my only work here on earth is to influence others for His sake and for the Glory of God. None of the work I do for Him earns me a spot in heaven, He paid for it all on the cross.

4. The Bible is living and active. There is no supplement. The Bible is the ONLY Word from God. The Spirit tells me this. The Bible didn't always speak as a living Word to me, but since I have persevered, sought, and received Christ as my savior revealing the gift of my salvation to me, the Spirit has been strong within and the Bible living and active. The enemy enjoys distracting us away from the truth and unfortunately time was spent during a large part of my life focusing on the wrong book.

5. I am witness. I have had many revelations, prayers answered instantly and not so instantly but all answered the same. God is consistent. There is meaning and actual purpose for my fasting that I never even realized. I have learned this, and that it is not just a ritual everyone does on the first Sunday of the month.

6. Relationship. I have a relationship with the Lord who walks with me daily. To know that Jesus died for me, is utterly heartbreaking but I know He did it for Love. I now converse with Him during this time with Him and thank Him like I never have before.

7. I need Christ. God loved me so much that he sent His only begotten son for me. I need a Savior. I am a sinner. Until I realized this, I could never really accept Jesus as my Savior. Interesting how the enemy kept me feeling comfortable in sin.

8. God tells me so. Believe me, I have asked of Him, "If I am to be in a setting for you Lord, show me where? If the way of religion is true show me and I will obey." He showed me Christ and revealed his Word in the Bible and the plan of salvation and I now know the truth. I am so gratefule that I finally came to know Christ and His Gospel.

I am a Christian because I believe in Christ and His Gospel. I am proud to have "Christ's" name first and foremost in my thoughts. Religion doesn't work for me. Relationship with Christ does. And like I said earlier, I wouldn't put anyone else's name in place of Christ's. Therefore I am Christian!

Personal Road Construction....Look for the Detour Signs

Life is like a series of roads. You are driving along enjoying the view. Sometimes you get a flat tire, sometimes you hit road construction. Every day this summer I have had to take a detour away from the construction. Without the detour my drive would be frustrating and much longer. My goal is to get home, but constructively. Sounds a lot like life, doesn't it?

Yesterday morning on the way to work I was listening to the daily radio program called Running to Win. Pastor Lutzer stated in his message of how Satan makes sin attractive in order to break fellowship with God. Therefore we must remove whatever is keeping us from growing in Christ.

The hardest part for me about this has been identifying what influences in my life are keeping me from becoming close to God. It isn't so much that they are hard to identify than it is that I am often in denial about being influenced. Now that I am aware of what they are I am finding how much these influences are around me and my family and their abundance. I thought I was the one that had the power to ignore these influences but now without the gift of the spirit I know I am powerless.

The Pastor told of a lady who was living with her boyfriend. She decided to start walking in the truth and asked him to leave so that they would not be committing sin any longer. He would not leave. She eventually had to force him out with the authority of the police. Turned out that she and he didn't stay together and that it was for the better.

I have a good friend that I think my detours are affecting the most. My changing that is. Not because of anything she did, but because of a lot of stuff we did together. About 3 years worth that is. The stuff we were doing together was sinful in nature and I am trying to forgive myself for allowing it to go on so long. We weren't very good influences for each other and we both knew it. So many times I was given promptings to be the example but didn't have the strength to do it alone and gave into the enemy. After a few years I found God for help but am still not sure how to be an example without letting the past get in the way. I have become bitter about it and toward her, which is not right. I was the one that did not set boundaries so how can I blame anyone else for what happened?

I have had to ask for some space in order to reconcile these feelings and also hope that after some time passes we can start a new relationship and have forgotten the old. I believe God put her in my life for a reason and thoughts of her are on my mind constantly. I pray that we will remain friends and that I learn to be strong with God's will.

Satan doesn't care where he goes from one place to the next. I need to stay where I know is safe and where I am led by the Spirit. If I were to keep doing what I've done, I'll keep getting what I get. So I have chosen to take a detour and hope to meet my friend in a new spirit without negative feelings I have been harboring. I pray the Lord will cleanse me and fill me with love to as I am learning so that I may continue grow and be the person, mother, wife, and friend I desire to be.

Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord, and your lives will produce every kind of good fruit. All the while, you will grow as you learn to know God better and better.
~ Colossians 1:10, NLT

Living to Glorify God

While I recognize my salvation as a gift from the Lord, Jesus Christ, I also know the different ways I must live not only to "help" me to keep on the straight and narrow but to glorify God.

I was sitting in today's sermon and again was overwhelmed with God's love for me. Something I will never understand. Today I learned that the gift of salvation doesn't stop there. That God loves to hear my praise and that in order to receive true joy and a long lasting and rewarding relationship with Him I am to continually give "best effort" to grow in my relationship with Christ to becoming Christian and live in moral excellence becoming "productive and useful."

2 Peter 1:1-15 was the passage we studied today. The Pastor made a good point that hit me personally - that the qualities mentioned by Paul are going to take work. That to glorify God in this life through his son, Jesus Christ, we must possess and build up in ourselves certain traits to become Godliness in order to receive "everything" we need for "life". Because of this process, I believe it is why we are here on earth. Not to be tested, but to grow. Satan "tests" us since we as Christians are the ones that are tempted and will make many mistakes, but we are here to grow and God put us here to do so - to become His children. It is true we must accept our salvation in order to enter in the kingdom of God, but to glorify Him, well that is even better.

As I read the scripture I found it intersting that what I have been working on in these past 6 months were all contained in this scripture even before I read it. In other words I knew of the different qualities by seeing them in others that inspire me. I knew they were all good and knew they were all parts of Christianity. However now that I have read them it is as if I have been instructed by the Lord himself with the direct word. That is the awesome part about having a relationship with Him. The lessons I need in life are always tailored to my needs every time right when I need them...as long as I am asking and listening that is. When I don't ask or listen, I don't hear nor receive.

So I will continue to press forward in my faith in order to know God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit better than I do today. I have wondered if it could get any better at times when I was in awe with His grace, but little do I know.

Save & Protect

I read a devotion today that talked about saving and protecting one's marriage. That it is important to hold your tongue and not to vent too much about the little things. That all little things add up and are a slow fade to destroying a beautiful thing. But what about the big things? Why is it that there is no time to confront, pray, or to seek counsel from God in that split second before things go terribly wrong forever?

I am not referring just to marriage but also to parenting. My youngest son who will be 18 soon is no longer living with us due to a dispute that I am not so sure is such a big deal when looking at the big picture. But then again I am mom and nothing is a big deal to me. I just want my children near my side always and know they are safe. But the worst part of all this is it feels like "round 2." A couple years ago my oldest son ran away just before he turned 18 and has made some crazy decisions and is now paying the price for them. They both deserve futures but who's responsible for helping these boys get to where they need to be when they are at this age?

It seems to make sense that because kids at this age society views them as "legal" or "emancipated" then they are assumed to be 100% responsible to do the things they need, but at 18 boys are still boys, they are not even close to being men. Who decided this is an age where a turning point should begin? Where has their biological sperm donor that they still call "dad" been their whole life? And how does my husband, the "outsider" or "new" man become married to their mother and is expected to be a stepfather overnight without knowing or having the experience of even being a father? How can he come in during these boys' last 4th and 6th years and make up for all that lost time? He does it out of love for me. He knew I was a package deal. Yet he is willing to do this even thought he admits he doesn't really know all the fatherly instincts due to growing up without one himself. In fact my husband became a grown up at age 16 when he ran away from home to stop being abused. Living in the streets he learned to grow up and sometimes with this I think he forgets or is not even sure really what it's like to be a growing boy. He just survived. He doesn't know "family" like you and I do.

Now my marriage is seeming to be tested today by all of this chaos that has recently taken place and it doesn't help that my husband has fallen into a depression. He's never done so before, so things are turmoil in emotion back and forth it seems at our house. So now what? What do I do? I married my husband for better and for worse. I did so in the name of God and meant it. Over time and especially last year I have let my relationship dwindle away from my husband and my boys and spent it partying with friends. Now I am feeling the effect of it all. Why did I start drinking again in the first place? I know I made several excuses and the first one being that my dad died. But that is a tangent I won't get into...

I often do question my mothering skills and do blame myself for my boys' downfalls. I also blame myself a lot for things that went wrong in my first marriage. I do this for a good reason. I know people say you did the best with what you knew, but that's just it. I didn't know enough and didn't have the desire to do more. But why not? I know I could have sought after God, but I didn't realize the importance of it to my children to do so. I was selfish. So yes, I am at blame. I thought God's purpose was only there for me. For bailing me out of my crises. I could have sought Him to guide me on my children but didn't. I didn't even take the time to think of my children. That is why I take blame. I am at blame. I was too young to have kids. I seemed to have been too relaxed and having fun that I didn't hear God. I could have placed great influence in those boys when I should have. Will I do better with my daughter now? Is this God's way of giving me a second chance at mothering? I don't know, but I do know that God is on my side as long as I keep him here.

The question still remains though, "How does one protect and save their marriage? The relationship with their kids?" The answer? Seek God. I need help in this. Obviously or my family wouldn't be in such distraught at this moment. There is a reference in the Bible that impresses me that if I seek God and follow with my heart and my might that all else will follow, including my household. I don't recall the reference but when I read it really stuck with me and was a great comfort. As I have prayed in these last two weeks of trial, I am given God's same guidance - to be patient yet again with my husband. He has also instructed me to continue to "follow" for which I have taken this seriously and shall obey. He never changes. I am grateful for this. You know I didn't even realize that women were created by God to be man's helpers until a week ago? This has really brought light to a lot of worldly ideas that I had no idea I was sucked into. I have a lot more reading to do it seems.

The devotion left me with a good message today which I think answers my question on how to protect and save what is precious to you. The author said something about if Satan knocks on your door would you ask God to answer it for you? I am learning that marriage is a sacred thing and I now know this when I read the word and God's perspective of such. My boys will be okay, it just seems to the human eye that I have abandoned them as a mother, but truly in my heart I have not and God knows this. He hears my prayers. They have much friends and family who are willing to help them when they need and so that I am grateful for. As for my husband, well he is just getting to know what "family" is and one day he will feel it too. This is my hope and I choose to save and protect the family that is left in my home by continuing to follow God. Please pray that I will endure.

Heed or Hunger?

The other day I was traveling to a meeting for work. It was around lunchtime and I had planned on stopping to grab something to eat beforehand. As I was entering the parking lot to get to the drive-thru of a fast food restaurant, I encountered a man who looked homeless. There were several grocery bags hanging from an overly full green backpack as well as on each hand. He was wearing ragged pants and was walking very slowly either because he was very tired or just simply had nowhere to be. He then glanced up at me several different times looking right at me as he walked on. At first I thought nothing of it - that he just felt my looking at him so he looked back. After that split second of a moment it was then knew God was leading me to give to him. Although I didn't have any cash on me to hand to him I could have asked him what he would like to eat. But no, I didn't dare roll down that window! And why? I was too afraid I'd feel uncomfortable in reaching out.

Just after that, God still gave me an even easier chance. Right at the very moment I was getting my food from the employee at the window, the homeless man was approaching the entrance of the restaurant right in front of me and very slowly. I had my window already down from taking the food and I could have just simply handed him the food right before he went in the doors with little discomfort or talking. But I didn't. I felt terrible after that, worse than I would have if I had went outside of my comfort zone and just gave him the food. I drove away from the pick up window slowly while watching him in the rear view mirror. I was thinking at every moment to turn back and yet at the same time expecting him to come running to me to ask for the food. What was I thinking? Instead he finally disappeared into the restaurant. My chance was gone.

As I drove to the office where my meeting was I thought, “I hope that someone will give him some food there,” or “He must have money to buy his own or why would he be going there?” I ate my meal guiltily in the parking lot of where my meeting was and when I was done I wept and asked for God's forgiveness. I admit that I'm new walking with God but not so new that I didn't know what was going on. I knew what I was supposed to do but didn't dare! I can only begin to really grow once I start going out of my comfort zone. I guess the first time is all it's going to take to make that beginning. God made everything so clear to me and gave me every possible easy chance to obey Him, yet I still didn’t take heed

He put it all together so perfectly too. Looking back I now realize that I left for my meeting a little later than I had planned and didn't know what I was going to do for lunch or if I even wanted lunch. I remember thinking to myself while driving and trying to decide where to stop,"I don't really need to eat,"and was referring to my flesh that always seems to have one or another desire and/or need. I get tired of it I guess. I had a little bit of time and so I thought of several places that sounded good and had finally chosen one but at the last minute I changed my mind. I got to this particular place just at right time that God put me there and I failed to take the chance.

Next time I will know better. I am still getting to know the spirit and how it moves in me. I will pray then to God, to help me to be more obedient.