I caught myself reading my blog here today. It is amazing how in just moments I became inspired with what I wrote! If I hadn't known I was reading my own blog I wouldn't have been able to tell you that these posts came from me...in fact I don't even recollect those feelings ever existed in me to write such wonderful things. But now just as soon as I obey allowing God to open my heart - everything I know of the Truth and Love all comes pouring back in. See how long it has been?
Over the last 8 months I have regretfully let myself become distracted with being lazy in my walk. I am the only one to blame knowing that I have distanced myself from the Lord. And it is sad that I knew it would happen all along...just letting the light become more and more dim each day. I have been ignoring the promptings from what I know to keep myself built up - I stopped going to church, I stopped associating with the people from church, I stopped reading my Bible, and I stopped blogging about my walk. However I didn't stop believing. I know He still keeps watch on me and that I am truly unhappy when I don't keep near Him. Why then do I seem to continue on this path of life with the struggle to wander off from time to time?
Where did my zealousness go? When did my drive and excitement for life through the church of Jesus Christ leave? I am reminded of how my mother so long ago told me to keep encouraged, that I have a gift for writing. But my gift is not for writing, it is for living in the Light. We all have this gift. And yes, we must be encouraged to remain in it. This is why we need others in our lives at all times who are on the same walk with God. They may be at a different time in their walk, but they are walking just the same. I read in Ecclesiastes 4:10 "If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up." So for my mom to have said this to me is something I will never forget and it is what has kept me inspired to keep this blog especially lately when I haven't felt I have lived a well enough life to tell about it.
Reflecting through these past few months, I realize I am still learning and growing. Maybe I am not so stagnant after all? I found that when I am not sinning I do better to recognize the enemy's voice coercing me to sin. This is something I think the Lord needs me to do believe it or not. To recognize when I am being tempted and to continue to seek Him for strength. And how could I know this if I hadn't been tempted in the first place? I don't always listen to take note and hear the enemy's voice so many times I never knew what was going on really, I just listened to it and followed it. The enemy thrives on my shortfalls and tries to bring me down each and every time. Satan makes it sound so appealing but then I am reminded of how in sin I feel horrible and dirty so much to the point that I am drawn to be nearer to the Lord. And yes, just like my father my Heavenly Father has to teach me the hard way to get me to listen.
Just like Satan who doesn't give up on tempting me, Jesus too never gives up on me. It is up to me to seek and listen when he responds to my prayers. I find that I am starting to be able to admit that I cannot do this alone and that in itself opens my heart for His love. (Part of my struggle has been allowing Satan leading me to believe my prayers are insignificant and that I should not be worthy to even have them, but that is another lesson I am still learning and will probably write about some time during this journey.)
I have been allowing my thoughts to become depressed thinking aobut reaching the last year of my third decade. I feel old and that I have wasted so many good years of my life not knowing God therefore where can I go now? Will I be strong enough to pursue living a life that pleases him? Why couldn't I have chosen the path early in life like so many others? I've allowed my self to feel that I haven't accomplished anything for God's sake so where will my next half of life mean for anything if I spend it learning how to become Christ like. I felt I should be mature in my faith by now so that I could be the role model for my daughter that I wasn't for my boys so many years ago. I realize this is again the enemy getting at me. He tries to trick me into thinking I am not good enough for my Heavenly Father that He would even want me. I sometimes agree with him that I shouldn't try to be someone I am not. And then I know better. I know I am a child of God and that he loves me. I know that Jesus encourages me to live my life for God and do all that I can to strive to be better, but that He also loves me the way I am. And so my battle here is perfection. I am led to believe that I need to be fully worthy in everything I do in order to gain His love at all, but that isn't true.
I meant only to post a short amount here but as you can see much more emotions and spirit is coming forth than I had thought would and as I write this I picture myself starting all over in the morning with the last 8 months I have wasted to be past me, yet it is much harder than that. I know tomorrow I will still be struggling with keeping my life on the path near God, but He is always there in every morning's light. In my thoughts, my prayers, and my heart. I realize how important church is in order to stay encouraged and in the Love He has given us, that the fellowship with others really makes this life more bearable for the time we are here. The strength that it gives us to hold fast against temptation and the beauty it brings to our life, our words, and our thoughts. (Even in blogging!) I pray that I will return back and no longer allow myself to be tricked thinking I am a stranger feeling out of place.
This lifetime of mine is only a day of His eternity, and while I have this inspiration this very moment to write and share my walk's experience, I also know I must truly learn to be careful. He listens to my cry from the path across Him, He is waiting for me to come toward the light during this dark period. And I can't help but be tempted to feel I have failed because yet again he is waiting for me. I start to wonder how many times I do this before he will not wait any longer. Then I reminded of the story He gave about forgiveness and how many times a person shall be forgiven and I also remember the scriptures that tell me the Spirit and that God's love will never leave once we accept the Lord. (Romans 8:9-11 & 8:38 )
I love the Lord. I Thank Him for His love for me. I am a child of God.
"For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow."
~ James 1:3, NLT
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