Love God. Love Others.10 Ponderings of the Heart

These words have been echoing in my heart the last couple of weeks, "Love God. Love Others." Matt 22:36-40  Why? Because as I see the world around me I know that this is the true Church, the only Church. Jesus told us so long ago that it is the most important thing we can do. He has commanded us to Love. Yet today His message is just as powerful as ever and the world is in need of it.

So as I've been thinking about these two greatest commandments, I have also been prompted to talk about them from my heart; Love God and Love Others. As I ponder on them and what they mean I hope to glean new understanding in my walk and become closer to God on a new level as well as anyone who may be reading this. There is always something revealed new with the Holy Spirit when you seek the answers to your questions. Our God is alive and active!

First, God is Love. What does Love produce? More Love. Of course if we love God first, it is intrinsically natural that we will feel expressions of love for others. Our view point changes about them and we find that we care for them. But how does a person love God if they do not know Him or believe in Him first?

Not all of us have that spiritual side from when we were children that connects to God without first knowing Jesus. Not everyone knows the sound of that still, small voice. For me, I've known Him for years as Father, Son, and Spirit before I knew Him each separately. For others they may struggle to know Him in any form at all.

I think the first spark of love for God would be to have the a faith that Jesus died on the cross for our sins. Even a small amount of faith can move mountains. If you don't have this, ask yourself why? What are you afraid of? Ask Him, even if you have never prayed before, whisper in His ear the question why and ask him to help you to find Him. Ask Him to reveal Himself to you. He will show you things to repent of that you may not have been aware of before. Be authentic and ask for His forgiveness. When you feel the urge to sin of the thing you repent of, stop and ask of His help. Every day set a quiet time aside to continue to seek Him until you feel His peace and presence. It is an unmistakable feeling.

These two greatest commandments, loving God and loving others is given to us by His original ten commandments. I, myself, only recently understood them in a revealing new way and yet I am already 43 years old. You'd think when you read about the story of the commandments that God instructs Moses to give to His people in Exodus, you understand them, that they'd be simple to follow. They are cut and dry right? Almost like tasks. Yet as we try to work to keep them we almost fail immediately day by day. The key isn't in our work, but in Jesus'.

I love how the Old Testament is the gateway to the New. Like the Israelites who wandered aimlessly as well as myself, we may be in our 40's, 50's, even 80's before we come to truly understand who we are in Christ. Telling and reading the stories is one thing but it is another when you believe with your heart and your eyes and ears become opened. This is where revelation happens! I hope you'll read the next post where I'd like to ponder on the 1st of the 10 commands in Loving God and Loving Others.

Aspirations Redefined

Have you ever been asked some questions that you were thinking about days later? I mean life questions...questions that really get in your mind, you know? Recently I have been asked some very thought provoking questions. Questions I felt I already knew the answer to. So when asked it was simple. But after a while I realized these questions I had answers for were ones I didn't stop to think about.

As we were driving home from our Bible study my husband asks me, "What is your ministry?" I wondered why he asked me but then quickly responded, "Hospitality of course." The car got quiet and I found myself thinking, "Doesn't he remember that I take care of the coffee and cleaning ministries at our church?" Then it occurred to me to remind him that I like to write and assumed he knew what I meant by it.

He then went on with an analogy about people being like light bulbs. There are those that are used to their fullest potential in ministry, therefore are putting out 100 watts of light. But then there are those that are serving because either they don't know where their ministry is or there is no one else to fill the need and they are giving off only 60 watts.

I agreed that is it obvious that we all have our specific talents and then me being the way I am didn't feel the need to discuss anything further. But it got me to thinking...of course. I started trying to identify if I knew what my talents really were. Thinking back I remembered that I have always been given the word "encourage" when praying about what  God's will is in my life. But is this considered a "ministry?"

After getting this word I started studying Scripture and ow use these verses to help guide me when I feel lost in my walk forgetting what God's will for me is or moreso how to use it.

1 Thessalonians 5:11 "Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing."

Romans 12:6-8 "We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; 7 if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; 8 if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully."

Days passed and I had been thinking about this for some time and I spurted out to my husband, "I'd like to write devotionals." By that time he had no idea what I was referring to and he gave me a funny look. Although it seemed there wasn't any meaning to my answer to him any longer, for me there was and still is.

A few days later my daughter and I were driving home from church and out of the blue she asked me what the one thing was I wanted to accomplish on earth..."To write and publish a book," I told her. It came out just as easy as it sounded, after all it has been my answer for a long time. And after I told her this my mind was brought back to that question my husband asked and I have been thinking about it ever since.

I have always had it on my heart to write a book, but never thought of the things I like to do as a "ministry." I know one of my strongest gifts is writing but what I like to write is more like pondering on paper as if in a journal. I thought in the past I could write articles for magazines or just try to blog to send my written heart out through the web, but it never donned on me until now that Devotions are a form of ministry. I like to post short excerpts from my heart as they come to me - isn't this a kind of devotion? Does anyone enjoy reading this type of reading? I don't know but it is who I am and if I enjoy reading from people's hearts then I am sure there are others do too.

I love thought provoking material whether that be in movies, books, live entertainment, or just simple conversations. I know that our thoughts change and form our actions and character and I know that as my walk develops I find the desire to be a vessel for Jesus' church and to share with others so that they too are provoked to thinking, seeking, and finding answers that help them with their own walk. I pray for this growth to continue...

Lord you are the potter and I am the clay - I love that your mysteries are so living and real that there is never any end to them. Thank you for giving me a mind to ponder and to grow and to learn every day. You are so awesome in all that you do and I love you. I pray that I will strive to serve you with my time and writing as I grow in becoming part of your ministry for others. I pray that someday my dreams will be fulfilled and carried out so that I can be 100 watts of light for you. Amen.

The answer to all things is love...

Love. How can anyone explain it. Why does God love us? How can we know the depth of love without first loving? Why was love was created? Where did God come from?

Just pondering...things too big to wrap my head around.

Love is awesome!

It's been a long time...

I caught myself reading my blog here today. It is amazing how in just moments I became inspired with what I wrote! If I hadn't known I was reading my own blog I wouldn't have been able to tell you that these posts came from me...in fact I don't even recollect those feelings ever existed in me to write such wonderful things. But now just as soon as I obey allowing God to open my heart - everything I know of the Truth and Love all comes pouring back in. See how long it has been?

Over the last 8 months I have regretfully let myself become distracted with being lazy in my walk. I am the only one to blame knowing that I have distanced myself from the Lord. And it is sad that I knew it would happen all along...just letting the light become more and more dim each day. I have been ignoring the promptings from what I know to keep myself built up - I stopped going to church, I stopped associating with the people from church, I stopped reading my Bible, and I stopped blogging about my walk. However I didn't stop believing. I know He still keeps watch on me and that I am truly unhappy when I don't keep near Him. Why then do I seem to continue on this path of life with the struggle to wander off from time to time?

Where did my zealousness go? When did my drive and excitement for life through the church of Jesus Christ leave? I am reminded of how my mother so long ago told me to keep encouraged, that I have a gift for writing. But my gift is not for writing, it is for living in the Light. We all have this gift. And yes, we must be encouraged to remain in it. This is why we need others in our lives at all times who are on the same walk with God. They may be at a different time in their walk, but they are walking just the same. I read in Ecclesiastes 4:10 "If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up." So for my mom to have said this to me is something I will never forget and it is what has kept me inspired to keep this blog especially lately when I haven't felt I have lived a well enough life to tell about it.

Reflecting through these past few months, I realize I am still learning and growing. Maybe I am not so stagnant after all? I found that when I am not sinning I do better to recognize the enemy's voice coercing me to sin. This is something I think the Lord needs me to do believe it or not. To recognize when I am being tempted and to continue to seek Him for strength. And how could I know this if I hadn't been tempted in the first place? I don't always listen to take note and hear the enemy's voice so many times I never knew what was going on really, I just listened to it and followed it.  The enemy thrives on my shortfalls and tries to bring me down each and every time. Satan makes it sound so appealing but then I am reminded of how in sin I feel horrible and dirty so much to the point that I am drawn to be nearer to the Lord. And yes, just like my father my Heavenly Father has to teach me the hard way to get me to listen.

Just like Satan who doesn't give up on tempting me, Jesus too never gives up on me. It is up to me to seek and listen when he responds to my prayers. I find that I am starting to be able to admit that I cannot do this alone and that in itself opens my heart for His love. (Part of my struggle has been allowing Satan leading me to believe my prayers are insignificant and that I should not be worthy to even have them, but that is another lesson I am still learning and will probably write about some time during this journey.)

I have been allowing my thoughts to become depressed thinking aobut reaching the last year of my third decade. I feel old and that I have wasted so many good years of my life not knowing God therefore where can I go now? Will I be strong enough to pursue living a life that pleases him? Why couldn't I have chosen the path early in life like so many others? I've allowed my self to feel that I haven't accomplished anything for God's sake so where will my next half of life mean for anything if I spend it learning how to become Christ like. I felt I should be mature in my faith by now so that I could be the role model for my daughter that I wasn't for my boys so many years ago. I realize this is again the enemy getting at me. He tries to trick me into thinking I am not good enough for my Heavenly Father that He would even want me. I sometimes agree with him that I shouldn't try to be someone I am not. And then I know better. I know I am a child of God and that he loves me. I know that Jesus encourages me to live my life for God and do all that I can to strive to be better, but that He also loves me the way I am. And so my battle here is perfection. I am led to believe that I need to be fully worthy in everything I do in order to gain His love at all, but that isn't true.

I meant only to post a short amount here but as you can see much more emotions and spirit is coming forth than I had thought would and as I write this I picture myself starting all over in the morning with the last 8 months I have wasted to be past me, yet it is much harder than that. I know tomorrow I will still be struggling with keeping my life on the path near God, but He is always there in every morning's light. In my thoughts, my prayers, and my heart. I realize how important church is in order to stay encouraged and in the Love He has given us, that the fellowship with others really makes this life more bearable for the time we are here. The strength that it gives us to hold fast against temptation and the beauty it brings to our life, our words, and our thoughts. (Even in blogging!) I pray that I will return back and no longer allow myself to be tricked thinking I am a stranger feeling out of place.

This lifetime of mine is only a day of His eternity, and while I have this inspiration this very moment to write and share my walk's experience, I also know I must truly learn to be careful. He listens to my cry from the path across Him, He is waiting for me to come toward the light during this dark period. And I can't help but be tempted to feel I have failed because yet again he is waiting for me. I start to wonder how many times I do this before he will not wait any longer. Then I reminded of the story He gave about forgiveness and how many times a person shall be forgiven and I also remember the scriptures that tell me the Spirit and that God's love will never leave once we accept the Lord. (Romans 8:9-11 & 8:38 )

I love the Lord. I Thank Him for His love for me. I am a child of God.

"For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow."
~ James 1:3, NLT

What do you do?

So what do you do when you leave church speechless...in utter emotional drama and tears yet feeling so full and joyful at the same time? So much with the spirit inside you but at the same time you don't even remember what the sermon was about?

That was my experience today. After the day passed, I do infact remember the sermon, however what I remember the most was how the spirit overcame our little congregation in our little sanctuary and we were filled. I felt His love for me then and there and yet I wept because of it. Others were weeping too. My heart was fuller at that moment than it has been in a long time.

Later today I recalled that during the sermon I was pondering upon my level of integrity. Where will I be when He comes again? In what state will my heart be? Will I be worried too much of the things of this world whilst caught in a dry state of spirituality as I have been the past 6 months? And if I am in a dry spell will I think to pray for Him to enter my heart and fill it with His light and life to quench my drying spirit?

I once was lost but now know where I am going when life here on earth is over and I am so thankful for this gift and to be loved by my maker. However I know that I can easily be caught up in things and inattentive to subtle changes in life...this I know all too well lately I hate to admit. But there is one thing that I always remind myself of and that one thing always prompts me to get into the word. That one things is love. He loves me. He loves us.

I don't understand it and yet I am not made to. How and why does he love me? I don't get it but it is beautiful. Have you ever wondered the mysterious way of how you have the capacity to believe in something you don't even understand? Yet when filled with the spirit is so easy to understand it completely. It is awesome! God's grace is what it is and what a blessing when it comes! I can't even explain it but if you have this personal relationship with your Savior you know what I am talking about.

I pray that I will obey the promptings of the Lord instead of putting off or discrediting the time I will spend reading in my Word. Due to the subtle changes in life I have allowed my sin to progress to becoming slothful and not feeding the spirit from Your word. I pray that I will make a daily effort to spend time with You. I admit that I have not kept my Savior in the forefront of my mind during this dry spell but know that if I persevere I will be in a green pasture! I just pray, for you know what is in my heart and where I am and I pray that I will receive you when you call me.

Earplugs....an armor of God?

The other night as I lay waiting for sleep, it never fails. Just as I get cozy and my mind calms down and am drifting off, something wakes me up. Usually it's snoring either by my husband or Pugsley, our female pug. Sometimes it's the fish tank or the neighbor's dog - no matter what it may be, I have always been a light sleeper.

Come to think of it, every night I lay awake while thinking of things. I am always the last one to fall asleep. Is this because I'm a light sleeper or because I can only seem to filter my thoughts when life quiets down? My husband even tells me from time to time that I think too much and yes this is very true. My brain takes its sweet time processing but I also enjoy pondering things.

So as I grabbed my pair of earplugs and enjoyed the quietness they brought, I thought, "I wish I could do this to those evil thoughts that I hear so often." And it occurred to me that its not earplugs I need for this, it is to be in the Word and relish in the Word. If I am spending my time thinking about God and His Word then how can Satan fit in and try to manipulate my thinking with his hidden agendas?

I pray that I will continue to grow in the Word and hold fast to my faith regardless of this "arid season" I am going through in my walk with God. Yes, I pray that the Word will speak to me again soon and He will enlighten me with His presence ever so strong.

A fellow Christian recently advised me that this "dry spell" is normal, that there are mountaintops and valleys. I've just allowed myself to think all this time I must be living in sin to have His presence missing, but I know this isn't true and it is what the enemy would like for me to believe. I must remain faithful, for the reward in the end will be well worth it!

"Jesus Loves the Little Ones"

As I was preparing for my Sunday school lesson for today with a Valentine's Day theme, I was reminded how much Jesus loves the little one's. It got me to thinking...

It is easy to love God's little children, for they have had not the time to become corrupted. They do not understand the separation from God as you and I do. They are still naive, pure, innocent, and naturally close to God. They just brighten your day.

The world has created every one of us to change from when we were little children. Things like the environment for which we live, lack of values or integrity taught, and the void left from worldly things that never fulfill our spirit. Even we as parents persuade our children to believe what we do and we don't even know how much rubs off on them until sometimes they are grown.

We were all little one's once and are reminded in the Bible that we ought to come to Jesus as if little children. Our hearts need be like theirs; honest, selfless, and sincere.

But to find love as naturally for those that do not have these qualities, now that is a something a little more for me to work on. I get insecure of their behavior, thoughts, or attitudes. I do not trust their motives. I tend to make bad choices when I interact with them and am left with the aftermath of frustration that I allowed them to influence me. The enemy knows this about me. He knows that I forget in only moments of what the Bible verse in Corinthians says about bad company corrupting good morals. But how can I love someone if I don't "like" them? Or better yet, how do I show someone I love them if being around them is too risky for my growing in Christianity? Am I alone in this feeling?

I think of the example of when Jesus just sat with the tax collector. He just sat and spent time with this man who knew he was a sinful man. How come I can't be like that? Why can't I simply spend time with people and just enjoy to be around them and not allow myself to be persuaded or influenced by them? Why does it seem like I am not allowing my light God has given me to influence them instead as Jesus did?

It then occurs to me as I write this that Jesus had the full armor of God.

I have been reading Proverbs these past few weeks and have learned a great deal of wisdom and taking heed about flattery, deceitfulness, and strife and what things can separate close friends. But so far I have not learned much about love. Should I skip to a different book? No, God instructs me to remain right where I am so as to discern my path first; something I never knew I could discern. My path has always just been to follow whatever came along, I never really understood what it meant by keeping it "straight" or that I had any say in doing so. Reading God's Word shows me the way to refrain from influential things in this world. I am still building my armor. I think ultimately learning to love they way Jesus did will be the end result once the armor is built and strong.

And all the while I try to comprehend His love for me, I still have not learned to love at all and He is okay with this. Like Proverbs says having the sincere desire and consistent seeking is what He wants from me. I pray for Him to continually teach me. It is unfathomable of the love He has for me let alone everyone of this world...deep down we are all like children, those little one's Jesus loves. I need to remember what it felt like when I was a child and come to Jesus in that way...I need to do this more often and learning to Love will come...as long as I continue to seek.

I read somewhere that it is easier to love than it is to hate, so why do I struggle with love? I find that I must first build my armor and follow His example of love. I can only do this by getting in the Word and I need to be patient with myself. Take note of the first three words in this verse:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud."
Corinthians 13:4

"My Creation"

It was a mid-summer day earlier this year as I was conversing with the Lord on my long evening commute. I say to him, "How? Better yet, why? Why do you love me in the first place?" I just didn't understand why or how I would mean anything to Him. "I am just only one person in this world," I thought. I guess you could say when I look at myself in a group of people, my family, my neighborhood, the world, I feel insignificant. That I am just one person and how can God possibly even notice me with so many others? To avoid this perception, it is my conclusion that I must always remain with the Lord in this walk as if He and I are the only ones in this world.

I'll still never understand it fully, but He answered me immediately with the words, "My Creation." Yes, it was His deep but gentle voice. It then donned on me that the love He has for us is very similar to the love I have for my own children. I am certainly His child, but it is still so hard to wrap my head around what Love is then? Where did it stem from? Why is it necessary? Oh I understand why it is necessary here on earth. What fathoms me is beyond this earth.

God created all, and yet if looked at in a large perspective - one out of many things can seem insignificant. One tree verses thousands, one flower out of a field of many. But when I choose to look at my surroundings and everything in it in the light of individuality, I see God's creation for each and every thing very significant. That He touched it all individually. That I am significant. When He spoke those words to me, "My Creation," I felt His creation upon me and His love with the touch of His hand upon my shoulder. No other love than that of your parents is more heart warming, is it?

Why I am a Christian

I have been contemplating something for all my life. The truth.

The verse below describes what I feel.

Job 32:18 NLT
"For I am full of pent-up words,and the spirit within me urges me on."

The question that I am led to find an answer for:

1 Peter 3:15 NLT
"Instead, you must worship Christ as Lord of your life. And if someone asks about your Christian hope, always be ready to explain it."

Why do I believe what I do? Sure I've always felt good about things or known what the results would be if given a generic answer, but I was never really able to truly answer why I believed what I believe. I needed to know and unfortunately until I finally asked myself this question, I found I didn't really believe in anything to my surprise.

This verse has really been etched in my mind. When asked, what will I say?

I have noticed others when asked as to why they believe what they believe I hear them replying with "We" statements rather than "I" statements. "We believe" this or "We practice" that. It almost sounds as if they have rehearsed the faith statements given by their religion or church and have used it for their answer of why they have hope. But where is the answer explaining the root of their belief on a personal level? Most importantly, where is mine?

After some thought I hope to find that maybe they weren't prepared for this answer either. That their thoughts and beliefs are not just stemmed from the church they are attending and that they truly do have an intimate relationship with Christ. This happens all the time though. People get in the "We" mode and don't think for ourselves, myself included. Had I been asked a year or more ago why I believe what I do, I hate to say that I wouldn't have been able to tell you.

While I don't have a lot of knowledge of religion, I do have the experience of having been in one and know now that I never felt it was "right" or "true" to practice there in. Not for me it wasn't. That plain. That simple.

You see, I was raised in the LDS church and from my memory we did some of the practices such as family home evening or girls camp - really good quality time spent together and as a child I soaked it all in. But I never recalled reading scripture or having discussions personally as a family. I don't ever remember being taught that personal relationship with Jesus was something I could have.

Maybe this is the root of my unbelief then? That I was uneducated? Educated or not, the naivety along with no desire or inquisition of the religion I grew up in, I was not subject to grow in it. I don't think I was supposed to either. I believe God has a plan for all of us to come to know Him in a unique way and in His timing.

Since then I've never had the desire to seek any religion. Just God. And now that I have truly found God, I have also found Christ. I have found Him like I've never found Him before.

Why do I believe what I do? Why am I a Christian? Because I wouldn't dare put anyone else's name in place of Christ and for good reasons:

1. Christ is complete. Whole. There is no need for anyone else. His son to whom He gave to us on purpose for purpose. Praise Him and the Word He delivers to us through the messages. Doing this completes me. I have no need for anything else. If I did, why then would Christ's second coming be so important? No wonder why I never understood - I was reading the wrong book and was taught religion, not relationship!

2. I have a personal relationship with God, Christ, and the Holy Spirit - the trinity. These are the three living beings that constantly reveal to me God's plan of love, compassion, mercy, grace, conviction, forgiveness, etc. that I cannot deny! I find God's Word every time I open the Bible or simply in prayer or conversation with Him. Add to this the messages received and praise given to glorify Him completely charges my spiritual battery! I am spoken to in so many ways and am so appreciative of it. Grace and miracles are so abundant before my very eyes.

3. I love Jesus and am amazed by His sacrifice for me. I know His plan of salvation for me and I know that my only work here on earth is to influence others for His sake and for the Glory of God. None of the work I do for Him earns me a spot in heaven, He paid for it all on the cross.

4. The Bible is living and active. There is no supplement. The Bible is the ONLY Word from God. The Spirit tells me this. The Bible didn't always speak as a living Word to me, but since I have persevered, sought, and received Christ as my savior revealing the gift of my salvation to me, the Spirit has been strong within and the Bible living and active. The enemy enjoys distracting us away from the truth and unfortunately time was spent during a large part of my life focusing on the wrong book.

5. I am witness. I have had many revelations, prayers answered instantly and not so instantly but all answered the same. God is consistent. There is meaning and actual purpose for my fasting that I never even realized. I have learned this, and that it is not just a ritual everyone does on the first Sunday of the month.

6. Relationship. I have a relationship with the Lord who walks with me daily. To know that Jesus died for me, is utterly heartbreaking but I know He did it for Love. I now converse with Him during this time with Him and thank Him like I never have before.

7. I need Christ. God loved me so much that he sent His only begotten son for me. I need a Savior. I am a sinner. Until I realized this, I could never really accept Jesus as my Savior. Interesting how the enemy kept me feeling comfortable in sin.

8. God tells me so. Believe me, I have asked of Him, "If I am to be in a setting for you Lord, show me where? If the way of religion is true show me and I will obey." He showed me Christ and revealed his Word in the Bible and the plan of salvation and I now know the truth. I am so gratefule that I finally came to know Christ and His Gospel.

I am a Christian because I believe in Christ and His Gospel. I am proud to have "Christ's" name first and foremost in my thoughts. Religion doesn't work for me. Relationship with Christ does. And like I said earlier, I wouldn't put anyone else's name in place of Christ's. Therefore I am Christian!

All in a Day's Work

"So I decided there is nothing better than to enjoy food and drink and to find satisfaction in work. Then I realized that these pleasures are from the hand of God." ~Ecclesiastes 2:24 NLT

I came across this verse today. It reminded me of how pleased I am too have found this of many realizations of God's hand is in my life. Before I started walking with Him, I never noticed.

I have been guilty so many times dreading daily chores, but whenever they are completed, I stand back and with a breath of fresh air I gain a sensation of accomplishment and much peace. The difference now is that I really get much more than that. It feels good as if God is smiling upon me, that He is proud.

I remember as a child I once asked my mom, "How come we have to work?" You see my siblings and I were always in charge of the little details of the garden. Whether it was burying seeds, weeding, snapping beans or peas, or shucking the corn, we were always put to good use. As a kid, I'd rather had spent my time playing the in the foamy "Indian" soap where the water met at the end of the furrows in Dad's garden. Looking back, I now realize I was taught a good lesson that day when mom replied, "Because Jesus wants us to." Ever since then I've pondered about this statement and accepted there was something more to working. I just never really knew what that was until recently. Walking with God has really opened my eyes to a lot of things and this is just one of them. I am excited to see what the future holds!

No matter how small the chore is, it is still given as well as received by God as good. I love that through Him I am able to appreciate the outcome of a good hard day's work!

Thirsty and in the Desert

Have you ever been so connected with the Holy Spirit for a long period of time and enter a dry spell you are wondering if you did something wrong? I do, but I know this feeling is also a trick and I do not need to doubt the Lord as He has forgiven me my trespasses before I've even made them.

Yes, I am in a spiritual desert right now. I am thirsty, yet I know what I need to do to quench myself. But do I obey? No. I realize I am human and that it is up to me to feed the spirit. But I go on day by day, making little time for prayer and for reading my scriptures. Then comes the conviction. That is the beauty of the Lord, even conviction is a gift. Without it I wouldn't be seeking these questions or trying to sort through my feelings. I guess what I'm really seeking is guidance. But for what?

Where I don't know what I'm seeking - but I know the desert is wide and long spread, I wonder when and what will come next? Where do I read in the Bible? What do I pray? Everything is going really great right now in my life, I can't ask for better. Is this why I am suspicious something is going to happen? Lately when I do pray I have prayed for others. I praise for the current blessings in my life. But I still don't sense the presence of the Lord. And I need to be content with this and remember He will come when needed.

And as I am writing these words at this very moment, that still small voice instructs me to read anywhere...that there are no specifics...that I just need to trust. I hear this familiar voice and I want more. That is my being human. That is my mistrust and greediness. I want more, but I need be patient.

We are taught to have joy in tribulations in that it teaches us perseverance for growth. Do I want a tribulation? No, of course not. But when it does, I know the Holy Spirit will be there to lift me up in strengths I cannot explain. It is then that I will get to hear His voice. It will be overwhelming to me. When I think of times past and all that he has answered for me thus far, I remember to trust. I remember to be patient.

So I pray that just for today that you, Lord, are pleased with me and my efforts, that you will show me my next step in this walk. I am waiting for you Lord. Waiting. In the meantime please remind me of the time I need to pause to spend with you either reading, noticing all the beauty you've given around me, singing praise & worship to you, praying, writing, or offering a simple smile to a stranger. And Lord, I thank you for being so forgiving of any doubt that may cross my way, for I try earnestly to not listen to it and to always come back to you and the truth. I pray that you will prompt me to be a positive person, one that has no bad to say or judge of others. I am human and I need you Lord, without you I am nothing. Amen.

Love is the answer

I read in Corinthians (Cor 12:4-30) last night about how the body needs all parts to do it's job, that even though all parts are different and do not agree with the other that they are still needed for the one body. Just because a hand is not a foot doesn't mean the foot does not need the hand. This made me think then on how we are all parts of the body of community, the gospel of Jesus Christ, our family, our work, etc. Why then does it seem we don't act like a body? I guess this gets to me more than ever as of lately in that family and friends in my life have chosen to silently not exist in mine and others lives because of various reasons, reasons that I am not even sure of and will not understand. Reasons that make no reason if that makes any sense. Some are because of religious differences and some are not. I don't understand it.

Living where I do I often get the feeling that there is trouble when in conflict with religion. It's too bad that "religion" preference is more focused on than Jesus Christ. When we first moved to this neighborhood I was visited by a member of the local church that is a majority in my area. I was expecting this as every time I have moved in the past, the same attempt has always been made. This time, knowing what I experienced from the last move, I asked her politely that while her visiting me was heartfelt I asked not to have my name on the list for visitation.

Because of this she didn't really acknowledge me again. This was not surprising to me though. I am not sure why when I make this type of decision and let it be known that I am not interested in practicing a religion they take it personally. Maybe it's that they don't know how to react. Is it that because of the area I live it is expected and that if I am opposing a cardboard cutout and respond differently than what everyone else does, they feel offended? Maybe I surprised her? I don't know. Isn't Christianity about loving one another as a person, not as a religion?

Religion separates people. That plain that simple. Jesus condemned religion and this is a good reason why. Religion in my opinion causes separation of the "body" of Christ, that if you are not a member of one's church then you have no value. Not all people of religion aren't this way but as a general whole, where I come from, people like me are not oblivious to the separation. And when it comes to religion and utilizing the resources they have to help someone in need, some are very wealthy and able to do this. I do acknowledge this, however when with the help there also comes an expecation of that person. That is the difference between religions and being a true Christian. This is not truly giving.

Now that I mentioned true giving, which leads me to a little thought on what I have learned by Jesus as true giving. I was always taught growing up that if I gave tithing or services, I would get returned a reward two-fold. So I interpreted that to mean if I give I will get, never that my good deeds would be noticed for what they were worth. Maybe this just wasn't explained well to me or I didn't ask enough questions. It hasn't been until now that I realize if I give wholeheartedly for the sake of giving and that is it. That is my reward. And I love that reward! I love to give just to give, I always have. While it is true that my deeds will not go unnoticed if from the heart, the difference is that if they not done as a "practice" or a "gesture" such as going through the motion of it, there is no value in it. But practicing does make perfect too, which can be a wholehearted motion giving by your own desire and not by the encouragement of any one person other than Jesus.

So reading on in Corinthians 13:1-13 it then states about if we do not have love, than what good are we? If we do all the things we are to do in this world with good deeds and going through the motions, none of it counts if you do not love. Our pastor asked us last Sunday to read aloud and put our name in front of the verses Cor 13:4-7 and just to listen to what we are saying. Am I living this? Dping this really hits home and shows you who you really are.

I do know that religion does serve some purpose. It is thought of as a "body" as I was talking about earlier, but the world is not just one religion so to me religion is only a part of a very big body. The body of this world. It's purpose is there and we do need it, but we have to be careful with it just like anything. It originally brings us to the teachings of Lord, it makes us think and challenge ourselves. Without it we may have never ever known about Jesus, but that doesn't mean we have to live in it and it's politics our whole life. Worshipping Jesus without religion is so free and spiritual. I love that I can share with anyone Jesus and let them know His love for them. Without having to explain anything else. It's that easy.

So I ask you Lord, please help and teach me to learn to love. I cling to every word Jesus has taught in the Bible and yearn to feel that love for all. I hope that as I learn and can do better, the people that do not show love in my life would see the love that I do show and somehow be reminded of the root of life. Also lord, help me to understand the people of religion more, that I don't place judgement on them but that I see them and not their religion, that I see your spriit within them and not the words of others giving them their instruction. I pray these things in your name, Amen.

Save & Protect

I read a devotion today that talked about saving and protecting one's marriage. That it is important to hold your tongue and not to vent too much about the little things. That all little things add up and are a slow fade to destroying a beautiful thing. But what about the big things? Why is it that there is no time to confront, pray, or to seek counsel from God in that split second before things go terribly wrong forever?

I am not referring just to marriage but also to parenting. My youngest son who will be 18 soon is no longer living with us due to a dispute that I am not so sure is such a big deal when looking at the big picture. But then again I am mom and nothing is a big deal to me. I just want my children near my side always and know they are safe. But the worst part of all this is it feels like "round 2." A couple years ago my oldest son ran away just before he turned 18 and has made some crazy decisions and is now paying the price for them. They both deserve futures but who's responsible for helping these boys get to where they need to be when they are at this age?

It seems to make sense that because kids at this age society views them as "legal" or "emancipated" then they are assumed to be 100% responsible to do the things they need, but at 18 boys are still boys, they are not even close to being men. Who decided this is an age where a turning point should begin? Where has their biological sperm donor that they still call "dad" been their whole life? And how does my husband, the "outsider" or "new" man become married to their mother and is expected to be a stepfather overnight without knowing or having the experience of even being a father? How can he come in during these boys' last 4th and 6th years and make up for all that lost time? He does it out of love for me. He knew I was a package deal. Yet he is willing to do this even thought he admits he doesn't really know all the fatherly instincts due to growing up without one himself. In fact my husband became a grown up at age 16 when he ran away from home to stop being abused. Living in the streets he learned to grow up and sometimes with this I think he forgets or is not even sure really what it's like to be a growing boy. He just survived. He doesn't know "family" like you and I do.

Now my marriage is seeming to be tested today by all of this chaos that has recently taken place and it doesn't help that my husband has fallen into a depression. He's never done so before, so things are turmoil in emotion back and forth it seems at our house. So now what? What do I do? I married my husband for better and for worse. I did so in the name of God and meant it. Over time and especially last year I have let my relationship dwindle away from my husband and my boys and spent it partying with friends. Now I am feeling the effect of it all. Why did I start drinking again in the first place? I know I made several excuses and the first one being that my dad died. But that is a tangent I won't get into...

I often do question my mothering skills and do blame myself for my boys' downfalls. I also blame myself a lot for things that went wrong in my first marriage. I do this for a good reason. I know people say you did the best with what you knew, but that's just it. I didn't know enough and didn't have the desire to do more. But why not? I know I could have sought after God, but I didn't realize the importance of it to my children to do so. I was selfish. So yes, I am at blame. I thought God's purpose was only there for me. For bailing me out of my crises. I could have sought Him to guide me on my children but didn't. I didn't even take the time to think of my children. That is why I take blame. I am at blame. I was too young to have kids. I seemed to have been too relaxed and having fun that I didn't hear God. I could have placed great influence in those boys when I should have. Will I do better with my daughter now? Is this God's way of giving me a second chance at mothering? I don't know, but I do know that God is on my side as long as I keep him here.

The question still remains though, "How does one protect and save their marriage? The relationship with their kids?" The answer? Seek God. I need help in this. Obviously or my family wouldn't be in such distraught at this moment. There is a reference in the Bible that impresses me that if I seek God and follow with my heart and my might that all else will follow, including my household. I don't recall the reference but when I read it really stuck with me and was a great comfort. As I have prayed in these last two weeks of trial, I am given God's same guidance - to be patient yet again with my husband. He has also instructed me to continue to "follow" for which I have taken this seriously and shall obey. He never changes. I am grateful for this. You know I didn't even realize that women were created by God to be man's helpers until a week ago? This has really brought light to a lot of worldly ideas that I had no idea I was sucked into. I have a lot more reading to do it seems.

The devotion left me with a good message today which I think answers my question on how to protect and save what is precious to you. The author said something about if Satan knocks on your door would you ask God to answer it for you? I am learning that marriage is a sacred thing and I now know this when I read the word and God's perspective of such. My boys will be okay, it just seems to the human eye that I have abandoned them as a mother, but truly in my heart I have not and God knows this. He hears my prayers. They have much friends and family who are willing to help them when they need and so that I am grateful for. As for my husband, well he is just getting to know what "family" is and one day he will feel it too. This is my hope and I choose to save and protect the family that is left in my home by continuing to follow God. Please pray that I will endure.

Motherhood and Working - My Balancing Act

It is inherent that only after a few days of not reading the Bible nor listening to praise and worship on radio I am and have become lost in feeding the spirit. Already have I gone astray and not even realized this until now. So feeling emotionally down from it all can be a benefit in my realizing where I am at - go figure. I feel emotionally super tired and super overwhelmed in life. Maybe this is more prominent that I am sick and fatigued - sure I have an excuse to be lazy about getting into God's word - but really there isn't any excuse. To pick up the Bible would take just as much effort as hitting the button on the remote and watching TV. My head is full of nothing but goo either way and I know there is always room in there for prayer.

This morning I was at work and it was one of the many times in the past few months that I just simply wanted to weep as I missed my daughter. I thought about her and how she cried this morning that she was tired. I remembered yesterday morning when I informed her we were staying home for the holiday and how her little eyes lit up. I find that Mondays I hyper focus on the time I spend away from my daughter. But it doesn't stop there...my emotions inevitably turn into more hyper focusing on everything especially in what I need to face at work. I then don't want to meet with my customers and secretly hope they would call and reschedule. It all starts in the morning each time too. I don't want to leave my bedroom - I feel safe there. This has happened on several occasions. It reminds me of my days of agoraphobia yet so different. It scares me.

Why God? What then are you putting on my heart? I asked you to put me in a job that was worth my time doing if I were to be away from Savannah, yet here I am and am so totally unhappy. Does my not wanting to get out of bed to come to work have to do with Savannah or is it just that I am not happy doing what I am doing at work? Am I justifying the need to stay home with Savannah for this reason? Am I just being lazy?

A few weeks ago after fasting you gave me courage and knowledge that I cannot explain that made a tremendous change in how I viewed my job and was able to perform. But why did this not last? Why am I feeling back to where I was previously? What Lord, am I to do with this? Can you help to show me the way? If I am to help the poor and disabled, why then can I not be more patient as I get to know them and learn to work with them? Why are some days easier than others? Am I wrong in pursuing keeping my employment instead of being at home with my child and you just haven't told me? Or am I not listening? You know me Lord, I am not good at making changes. If you have told me I may not have listened too afraid of the change.

Just like my mom's puppy that I watched over this weekend, you have been there - incessantly and loyally by my side keeping me warm and comforted. Yet there are times I don't pay attention to you. But when I call to you - just like that puppy - you always come back and with great enthusiasm just for me. While I know You love me, I still don't understand why. So I know you are listening.

Lord, I am not great at vocalizing my prayers and you know this, but please listen to my heart as well as my words here. Am I fighting for what I want as a mother and you are fighting for what you need as God? I know there is reward in my public career so why can't I keep the vision of the reward as I do Your reward? I would rather spend time with my kids than trying to help a population that is almost beyond help. But You have put me here to do this, I know, and I know You know I can do it. But why don't I have the desire to?

Am I feeling this way more so now than ever because Savannah is starting school this year? I know I have many regrets for all three of my children and not being there for them so many times when I could have, but I thought I had accepted the reasons. Did I not ask for forgiveness for the times I should have when I wasn't doing what a mother should? If so I don't recall your prompting me to but now I am really learning from them. After 20 years I've worked and been a mom, this is impressing me now more than it ever has. You have put me here in this job long ago, and with a good plan, but why does it not seem to "fit" any longer? Have I been disobedient to you and am now learning the hard way?

In reading other mother's blogs today I am finding that they are not what I thought - just stay at home moms that is. They are lawyers and writers and home schooling moms who have the chance to work around life with their kids, not their kids having to have life around their work. Since they are working nonetheless, then why do I feel so picked on? Is it that they made their choice of what they are doing prior with having a family and children in mind? Is it that what they do they can be more personal with You in their work where I cannot cross those lines with the public sector? Why do I compare myself to other mothers when I know it is wrong? Is my dream to be both mother and employee as equally as the other unrealistic? Would there be a chance that I could work part time? Why am I in such a need for something to change? And why is it that at the end of the day all feels okay? Is it because my kids are at my side and I cherish the time I do have with them?

I admit I may have too much time to think at work which causes me to tear at emotions and desires...so please help me to be patient as things progress I know this will change.I can't help but seek balance for all. Please Lord can you give me any indication of what I am doing here and where should I be going? What is going on inside me and this balancing act I am fighting with? And if there is nothing to be revealed just yet, then I pray that you would help me to be patient. Please Lord, I am struggling. I pray that you will fill me with your Word so that I am with You and walking again. Always walking, no matter how tired or sick I may feel.

Hunger

Have you ever felt hungry? Of course. As humans our body requires nourishment in order to continue to do what it is meant to do. Spiritually I have been hungry in so many ways but never knew how to feed myself. Sure I knew of prayer and that it was powerful but only used in crisis situations. I didn't think of it as a means to remain close to God each day. I was literally starving my spirit just the same as I do with my body.

Today I enjoy not only praying to God on a daily basis but reading His Word, fellow shipping with those that are also Christians, listening to different music, fasting, and sharing my blessings with others as a witness. I want to spend all my time with God and find Him to be with me every hour because I have seeked Him.

A couple of years or more ago I had accomplished weight loss. What I learned was that the body runs more efficiently if you feed it throughout the day. It doesn't feel neglected or likely to "hoard" what storage of food it has in the event it is needed in an emergency. Like my body I found that this is also true to my spirit. My spirit needs fed on a consistent basis to properly utilize my faith in that I might fulfill His work and continue His plan for me. With this daily process I find that I am satisfied and always seeking for more. But can someone over focus on the Lord? Just like a person can be over zealous in keeping their health that it takes up their whole being, is this also something that a person like me should be concerned about? A person that has a new found love for Jesus Christ and is inexperienced in her walk with God?

I ask this question because I find I have to fight the urge to sneak away to read my bible or to blog as I am now so that my family does not get neglected. I must pray about keeping all things balanced so that I can feed my spirit as well as my family's. Just this morning I have to watch the clock as I type, it seems I have so much to share that my mind, heart and spirit are already several blog entries ahead of me. Maybe this is all the reason why I am over zealous - I realize that I am playing catch up and now that I have a means to enter my feelings here, I will be able to catch up from the past experiences I want to share so that I may focus more directly on my daily witnesses. I find then that I need to pray...I just worry and do not want to lose sight again as I have done in the past but don't want to exhaust myself either.

I pray Lord, as only you can give me the patience that I need. That you know my heart in that I desire to continually be fed. I pray that you will will help me to be content with the short time I have in my daily activities to spend alone with you. I want to continue to seek, Lord, but I need to seek you at the right times. Therefore I pray for my family and for those around me that I have neglected because of my being pre-occupied with you. That they may be fulfilled with your Spirit and be influenced by you as I have. I pray for these things in your Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.