What do you do?

So what do you do when you leave church speechless...in utter emotional drama and tears yet feeling so full and joyful at the same time? So much with the spirit inside you but at the same time you don't even remember what the sermon was about?

That was my experience today. After the day passed, I do infact remember the sermon, however what I remember the most was how the spirit overcame our little congregation in our little sanctuary and we were filled. I felt His love for me then and there and yet I wept because of it. Others were weeping too. My heart was fuller at that moment than it has been in a long time.

Later today I recalled that during the sermon I was pondering upon my level of integrity. Where will I be when He comes again? In what state will my heart be? Will I be worried too much of the things of this world whilst caught in a dry state of spirituality as I have been the past 6 months? And if I am in a dry spell will I think to pray for Him to enter my heart and fill it with His light and life to quench my drying spirit?

I once was lost but now know where I am going when life here on earth is over and I am so thankful for this gift and to be loved by my maker. However I know that I can easily be caught up in things and inattentive to subtle changes in life...this I know all too well lately I hate to admit. But there is one thing that I always remind myself of and that one thing always prompts me to get into the word. That one things is love. He loves me. He loves us.

I don't understand it and yet I am not made to. How and why does he love me? I don't get it but it is beautiful. Have you ever wondered the mysterious way of how you have the capacity to believe in something you don't even understand? Yet when filled with the spirit is so easy to understand it completely. It is awesome! God's grace is what it is and what a blessing when it comes! I can't even explain it but if you have this personal relationship with your Savior you know what I am talking about.

I pray that I will obey the promptings of the Lord instead of putting off or discrediting the time I will spend reading in my Word. Due to the subtle changes in life I have allowed my sin to progress to becoming slothful and not feeding the spirit from Your word. I pray that I will make a daily effort to spend time with You. I admit that I have not kept my Savior in the forefront of my mind during this dry spell but know that if I persevere I will be in a green pasture! I just pray, for you know what is in my heart and where I am and I pray that I will receive you when you call me.

Why I am a Christian

I have been contemplating something for all my life. The truth.

The verse below describes what I feel.

Job 32:18 NLT
"For I am full of pent-up words,and the spirit within me urges me on."

The question that I am led to find an answer for:

1 Peter 3:15 NLT
"Instead, you must worship Christ as Lord of your life. And if someone asks about your Christian hope, always be ready to explain it."

Why do I believe what I do? Sure I've always felt good about things or known what the results would be if given a generic answer, but I was never really able to truly answer why I believed what I believe. I needed to know and unfortunately until I finally asked myself this question, I found I didn't really believe in anything to my surprise.

This verse has really been etched in my mind. When asked, what will I say?

I have noticed others when asked as to why they believe what they believe I hear them replying with "We" statements rather than "I" statements. "We believe" this or "We practice" that. It almost sounds as if they have rehearsed the faith statements given by their religion or church and have used it for their answer of why they have hope. But where is the answer explaining the root of their belief on a personal level? Most importantly, where is mine?

After some thought I hope to find that maybe they weren't prepared for this answer either. That their thoughts and beliefs are not just stemmed from the church they are attending and that they truly do have an intimate relationship with Christ. This happens all the time though. People get in the "We" mode and don't think for ourselves, myself included. Had I been asked a year or more ago why I believe what I do, I hate to say that I wouldn't have been able to tell you.

While I don't have a lot of knowledge of religion, I do have the experience of having been in one and know now that I never felt it was "right" or "true" to practice there in. Not for me it wasn't. That plain. That simple.

You see, I was raised in the LDS church and from my memory we did some of the practices such as family home evening or girls camp - really good quality time spent together and as a child I soaked it all in. But I never recalled reading scripture or having discussions personally as a family. I don't ever remember being taught that personal relationship with Jesus was something I could have.

Maybe this is the root of my unbelief then? That I was uneducated? Educated or not, the naivety along with no desire or inquisition of the religion I grew up in, I was not subject to grow in it. I don't think I was supposed to either. I believe God has a plan for all of us to come to know Him in a unique way and in His timing.

Since then I've never had the desire to seek any religion. Just God. And now that I have truly found God, I have also found Christ. I have found Him like I've never found Him before.

Why do I believe what I do? Why am I a Christian? Because I wouldn't dare put anyone else's name in place of Christ and for good reasons:

1. Christ is complete. Whole. There is no need for anyone else. His son to whom He gave to us on purpose for purpose. Praise Him and the Word He delivers to us through the messages. Doing this completes me. I have no need for anything else. If I did, why then would Christ's second coming be so important? No wonder why I never understood - I was reading the wrong book and was taught religion, not relationship!

2. I have a personal relationship with God, Christ, and the Holy Spirit - the trinity. These are the three living beings that constantly reveal to me God's plan of love, compassion, mercy, grace, conviction, forgiveness, etc. that I cannot deny! I find God's Word every time I open the Bible or simply in prayer or conversation with Him. Add to this the messages received and praise given to glorify Him completely charges my spiritual battery! I am spoken to in so many ways and am so appreciative of it. Grace and miracles are so abundant before my very eyes.

3. I love Jesus and am amazed by His sacrifice for me. I know His plan of salvation for me and I know that my only work here on earth is to influence others for His sake and for the Glory of God. None of the work I do for Him earns me a spot in heaven, He paid for it all on the cross.

4. The Bible is living and active. There is no supplement. The Bible is the ONLY Word from God. The Spirit tells me this. The Bible didn't always speak as a living Word to me, but since I have persevered, sought, and received Christ as my savior revealing the gift of my salvation to me, the Spirit has been strong within and the Bible living and active. The enemy enjoys distracting us away from the truth and unfortunately time was spent during a large part of my life focusing on the wrong book.

5. I am witness. I have had many revelations, prayers answered instantly and not so instantly but all answered the same. God is consistent. There is meaning and actual purpose for my fasting that I never even realized. I have learned this, and that it is not just a ritual everyone does on the first Sunday of the month.

6. Relationship. I have a relationship with the Lord who walks with me daily. To know that Jesus died for me, is utterly heartbreaking but I know He did it for Love. I now converse with Him during this time with Him and thank Him like I never have before.

7. I need Christ. God loved me so much that he sent His only begotten son for me. I need a Savior. I am a sinner. Until I realized this, I could never really accept Jesus as my Savior. Interesting how the enemy kept me feeling comfortable in sin.

8. God tells me so. Believe me, I have asked of Him, "If I am to be in a setting for you Lord, show me where? If the way of religion is true show me and I will obey." He showed me Christ and revealed his Word in the Bible and the plan of salvation and I now know the truth. I am so gratefule that I finally came to know Christ and His Gospel.

I am a Christian because I believe in Christ and His Gospel. I am proud to have "Christ's" name first and foremost in my thoughts. Religion doesn't work for me. Relationship with Christ does. And like I said earlier, I wouldn't put anyone else's name in place of Christ's. Therefore I am Christian!

Small Talk?

Have you ever been out shopping and came across a messenger for Christ? Or even heard Christ's words through others when you least expected it?

I have. Both times the gentlemen looked similar - dark hair, dark eyes, leathery tan skin, and were both inconspicuous to others.

The first time I was at the Harmon's grocery store back in 1999, just before I encountered my mental break. I remember the gentleman who was bagging my groceries. He was an older man, black hair, dark eyes, and had glasses on that were had a crack in one of the lenses. Out of the blue he started telling me a story about how his daughter ran out of gas at Lagoon, a local amusement park. She called him at midnight, and when he got there to help her, her only comment was "cool." I don't recall him saying anything else. I was hearing a lot of things in my head at that time due to my mental illness, but this was different.

On my way home I thought, "Why was this guy telling me this story and why is it ingraining in my head? Why did it feel as if he were talking 'to' me?" And then it hit me, it wasn't him who was relaying a message to me but Christ. I knew in my heart He was responding to my prayers at that time for help to get me out of the situation I was in. What I heard was:

1. I was using drugs and partying for 2 years attempting to have fun to pass time and distract myself from my problems with self medication = amusement park.

2. I became spiritually empty = ran out of gas.

3. So I prayed = called my Father.

4. I wasn't sure about that last part other than it was something that I could relate to. Being that at that time my only relationship with God was for crisis interventions and nothing more. I didn't get the point of the last part where she told her father "cool" and assumed she learned her lesson.

I didn't get it until now.

10 years later I now know the true meaning of my relationship with Christ. While I can call on Him any time when in need, I also know what He has taught me to do to live well and that I need to make a commitment to it. I have learned to seek His Word to keep my spiritual tank full and to praise him at each and every blessing big or small.

The second time was last month of this year. I was at Walmart. I had an impression in my heart for a while to get Charlie a fishing license for Father's Day. As I approached the sporting goods desk I found the clerk with other Walmart workers gathered around him in a circle. He was talking to them about something although I am not sure what. They were all there as if in unison. As soon as he saw me the others left instantly. I have never seen so many associates at once in the sporting section let alone gathered in a circle like that, but intersting that it reminded me of how people would have gathered around Jesus as soon as I saw it.

The gentleman looked similar to the guy at Harmon's 10 years ago. Dark hair and eyes except his hair was "Salt & Peppered" and he did not have glasses.

I had asked him about a fishing license, that if my husband had to be present in order for me to purchase one. I had told him I was getting it as a Father's Day gift. As we were making the transaction the clerk told me how that was a great gift, that his children used to give him one for Father's Day. He said he loved fishing and that he learned to fish from his Father; that none of the other "kids" wanted to learn. He showed me the best fishing pole they had for a good price and then I quickly urged him to finish the transaction before Charlie caught up with us. He finished up and spoke to me saying, "If you have any questions, I am always here. If I am not here you can ask someone here to call me."

I recall all the words he said to me as if I were still there. In my heart I hear:

1. My father taught me = God the Father created Jesus who was a "fisher of men."

2. Kids = "goats" were not interested to learn.

3. To call him anytime or ask someone to call = prayer.

Again, the words that he spoke to me were not every day customer service or casual talk. There was something about the tone in his voice that reminded me of the bagger at Harmon's. And knowing that I was prompted to by the fishing license leads me to believe differently. After all Charlie hadn't expressed wanting to fish, we hadn't been in a long time. I am not even sure the license will be used, but this message I received will last a lifetime.

Sometimes small talk isn't small at all...if you're listening.

God's Instruments of Love

God's overwhelming love for us comes in so many forms; in answers to many prayers, the blessings we have and continue to be given, and in our beloved relationships with others. God sends this love through The Spirit and our counselor, Jesus Christ by way of many instruments. It is up to us to respond to it and when we do, we are left in awe and will never forget the comfort we are given with this true and unconditional love He has for us.

For me it was about 11 years ago when I really come to know the love God has for me. Sure I've always known it was there but I didn't comprehend His love until it was given to me by a complete stranger. It was as if Christ had knocked on my door himself. I am still overwhelmed with emotion as I recall the experience.

It was the morning of my youngest son's 7th birthday. I was still deeply depressed from all the turmoil from my ex-husband leaving me to moving back with him thinking we were working on things all the while living in a drug-addicted lifestyle. (That's another story.) I still remember that morning asking Todd if he would take the kids to school that day cause I just didn't feel up to it and wanted to remain in bed. He grumbled and gave me a hard time as if I had asked him to do a miracle or something and tried to make me feel guilty. I gave the boys my kisses and told Jacob "Happy Birthday" as they went out the door to school. After they left I remember enjoying the silence - not from the kids being away but because Todd was no longer there nor the reminder of the drug induced life he had brought into our house. If even for only a quick run to the school that he was gone, it was a relief that made me feel as if there were no problems around me.

About an hour had passed and I noticed Todd pulling in the driveway finally coming home. He had a couple of people with him, there was always someone new around him it seemed. I remember thinking to myself how old this was getting - his drug business and the lifestyle that tried to exist around me that is. And then no sooner than he got out of the car a couple cop cars pulled up. I remember it was like slow motion standing on the porch as I watched him getting arrested. I was not surprised by the matter after all the illegal activities he'd been involved in and I was very grateful the boys were at school by this time and not subjected to the event. I am sure Todd thinks to this day that I set him up by having him take the boys to school. It was always the way he thought - thinking that someone was out to do things in spite of him. He thought this way because this is how he was with others. But I have never been that way and little did he know me once the drugs took his life over.

After Todd was escorted away, the cops came into the house to inspect the place further. They asked me to look around at what I saw. I admit now from my depression and the drug use that my house was a mess, but at that time I was in denial. They had every right to tell me what they did about how my kids should not have to be subjected to such living conditions and yet I didn't want to hear it. I knew I was a good mom. I was just in a rut at the moment. It wasn't so much the house was messy but more that it was empty with not much sign of life. The cat's litter box was in the boys' room that I was sharing with them. I decided to keep the kids and my quarters separated in the house so that I had some sort of sanity left in feeling like I was a family with them. It didn't matter that we all stayed in that room with the doors closed. It was simply a way to co-habitate so that I didn't have to rely on my family continuously for support. I felt safer that the cat and I stayed in the boys' room together away from Todd.

As the cop left, I remember sitting on the couch feeling so empty inside. I remember thinking to myself, "and on my son's birthday of all days." It was the first time I had actually seen Todd arrested for his activity and yet I had no concern for him, only for my kids. The quiet air was all I could hear. What would I do with myself between that time and the time to get the kids from school? There was no life without those boys there. I wanted to pick them up sooner, but didn't know what I would say to them just yet. So I just sat there.

At that next moment there was a knock on the door. I was hesitant to open it for fear of another drug addict or cop looking for Todd. When I looked out the window there stood on the porch a soft faced woman holding a baby. I could tell she was older than I was. I had not ever seen her before, but this wasn't surprising since I was usually cooped up in that hell of a house and didn't socialize with anyone outside of Todd's circle. I felt a little embarrassed when I opened the door, but this passed as soon as she asked me if I was okay. She stated that she couldn't help but notice cops at my house from view of her window. I'm not sure how long she had been living across the street, in fact from what I remember the house looked vacant and had no life in it - almost like the one I was suffering in myself.

When she asked if there was anything she could do, my heart sank and the floodgates were opened with the love God was giving me through her presence. I was overwhelmed with the feeling that it was Jesus who was the one standing right there in her place and was holding His hands out to me. My emotions were so strong in return I felt my spirit literally fall down on my knees at His feet as I said, "Yes, could you please pray for me?" I then noticed that there were tears welled up in my eyes and that I had wept as I said those simple words without any thought. At that moment her eyes softened even more as they filled with tears. Her response had no words. She asked me my name and took my hands as she prayed. I don't even remember if she knew what had happened or why but I do remember how I was shaking and trembling through fear. I then felt Christ's love through the Spirit who comforted me and let me know He was listening. That He was glad that I had finally come to Him and that I received His special messenger that day. That everything would be okay, but that it would take some time. That through Him, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

After she left I felt a sense of hopefulness and began to realize something. From the time Todd left me, I thought I what I wanted and needed to be happy again was for my marriage to be repaired and back to normalcy without the desire or lifestyle influenced by drugs. I learned that in my heart that I already had the key to happiness all along. Thereafter I did try to influence Todd with what God was telling me, but I saw no results and decided that I would pursue without him. I am grateful every day that He never let the drug use get larger than the love I had of Christ. However at that time I didn't realize that I needed to actively seek God each and every moment of the day in order to receive guidance and strength. I just thought He was only there when I needed Him most and that my calling on Him at those times would be sufficient just as it did the day the perfect stranger came. Eventually I learned that I must move forward and continue to seek Him in order to get my children out of the mess I've let them live in, but God was right. It did take time.

I will never forget how much love I felt from God that day. It was my turning point and at that moment I knew my answer to all happiness. Seek God. It seems so easy, doesn't it? Looking back my relationship in the past with God was always one that was held in crisis situations. I didn't really understand that I needed commit to walk with God and really submit to Him in order to be truly happy. It has been a long time coming to finally figure this out. It can be hard work to keep on top of it every day, but it is so worth it. I think He sends these perfect strangers to us more than we know so that we will learn how He works through them for our sake. Without this experience I would never have grown. God has a perfect and strange love for me that I will never truly understand but just for a moment on that day I was given a small taste of what is is store for me when I meet with Him once again and it excites me to no end!

Never Forget...

I will never forget that night from the summer of 1997. It was dark. I was lost somewhere in Washington. It was 2:00 in the morning and I had ventured too far north. When the city lights began to dim in my rear view mirror I realized I should have turned back but was too scared to so I continued on for another hour. No more sign of big cities ahead, I knew I was lost. Besides the signs started to look foreign to me. Where was Vancouver anyway? I didn't dare get off the road so I kept driving until I felt the courage to somehow figure out how to go the other way. Washington freeways aren't like freeways in Utah. The signs were different colors. There were names for streets instead of numbers. I was lost and I was scared.

Let me back up a ways. I had decided a few days prior that I would venture out and visit my sister who lived in Seattle. I took my two boys who were only 8 and 6 at the time. Oh, and our cat. I went seeking normalcy of life that existed on the other side of druggies. I went to seek the memory of myself and who I was, where I came from. I knew being around my sister would accomplish this. I knew I was still somewhere in this drug abused body and mentally neglected mind and I was on a mission to find it.

My husband at the time didn't understand it. He was probably paranoid like the rest of the people who came in and out of that house. Why didn't he get it? Why didn't he want to go with us? Why didn't he see that he was slowly losing his soul to the devil himself and desire to escape from it all? I guess I have been truly blessed to have Christ in me, especially at that time when I need Him to save me most. I didn't care about the speculations. My life and my kids' lives depended on this trip.

So I headed out about 6 am. The drive is about 16 hours and I wanted to go the whole way through. Besides I wasn't used to sleeping anyway thanks to the meth that was all around me. Funny that I didn't pray before I left, yet I felt God's spirit leading me the whole time. Now I realize this, but didn't know I would really need him until that night.

After seeing that the Vancouver sign was revealing it was getting closer and closer, I finally got brave enough to get off an exit in 'I don't know where.' I was tired and worried that those cars around me knew my sin and how dirty I was. I thought of my glass pipe tucked away in my trunk. It had no drugs in it, but I had it for whatever stupid reason. It was some sort of weakness a person who does drugs has - to have their paraphernalia accompany them where they go. They knew it was in there. I found an empty parking lot and decided it was too late to leave the kids in the car to access a payphone to call my sister. I was paranoid that people would look at me too even though no one was out that late at night.

So I found a spot to turn around to get back to what looked like an intersection that would lead me back to the freeway. I made a u-turn in an intersection and my heart raced to see that a cop was there right behind me. It seemed as he hurriedly came upon prowling on me. Knowing that he'd have nothing better to do than to pull me over, I said a prayer. I didn't even think that he could help me. Instead it was my drug used mind that told me he was after me. I prayed to God as I looked in the rearview mirror, then to the back seat at my boys. I prayed into the black sky that was so different from the one I knew at home, "Please help me God. Please help me to get where I need to go. My children should not have to be sleeping in a car at this time of night with a mother who is lost and does not know where to go. They don't deserve this. They wouldn't be here right now if their mother hadn't gotten messed up in this in the first place." I wept. Almost instantaneous as I had finished my prayer, the cop car turned and made a right on the street next to us as if he got another call. This all happened in a matter of a traffic light's time yet it happened for an eternity.

I started on the path back and was feeling better. I totally forgot that I had even said that prayer and told myself that the cop must have just realized that I was from out of town given that my license plate was not from Washington. I was still blind you could say. It was amazing to me though that as I drove and landed right at my sisters house without one instance of getting lost. It was as if he had led me there by His hand. It was not my doing at all. I was so very tired, not just from driving for that many hours, but from the drugs that had overtaken my emotions, spirit, heart, and mind the last year. It was an awesome feeling then that I had doe it. But now I realize it was truly God's power, none of my own. I realize today how it was all God's glory and grace that was bestowed upon me that night. I was in His care all along. I will never forget.