It is inherent that only after a few days of not reading the Bible nor listening to praise and worship on radio I am and have become lost in feeding the spirit. Already have I gone astray and not even realized this until now. So feeling emotionally down from it all can be a benefit in my realizing where I am at - go figure. I feel emotionally super tired and super overwhelmed in life. Maybe this is more prominent that I am sick and fatigued - sure I have an excuse to be lazy about getting into God's word - but really there isn't any excuse. To pick up the Bible would take just as much effort as hitting the button on the remote and watching TV. My head is full of nothing but goo either way and I know there is always room in there for prayer.
This morning I was at work and it was one of the many times in the past few months that I just simply wanted to weep as I missed my daughter. I thought about her and how she cried this morning that she was tired. I remembered yesterday morning when I informed her we were staying home for the holiday and how her little eyes lit up. I find that Mondays I hyper focus on the time I spend away from my daughter. But it doesn't stop there...my emotions inevitably turn into more hyper focusing on everything especially in what I need to face at work. I then don't want to meet with my customers and secretly hope they would call and reschedule. It all starts in the morning each time too. I don't want to leave my bedroom - I feel safe there. This has happened on several occasions. It reminds me of my days of agoraphobia yet so different. It scares me.
Why God? What then are you putting on my heart? I asked you to put me in a job that was worth my time doing if I were to be away from Savannah, yet here I am and am so totally unhappy. Does my not wanting to get out of bed to come to work have to do with Savannah or is it just that I am not happy doing what I am doing at work? Am I justifying the need to stay home with Savannah for this reason? Am I just being lazy?
A few weeks ago after fasting you gave me courage and knowledge that I cannot explain that made a tremendous change in how I viewed my job and was able to perform. But why did this not last? Why am I feeling back to where I was previously? What Lord, am I to do with this? Can you help to show me the way? If I am to help the poor and disabled, why then can I not be more patient as I get to know them and learn to work with them? Why are some days easier than others? Am I wrong in pursuing keeping my employment instead of being at home with my child and you just haven't told me? Or am I not listening? You know me Lord, I am not good at making changes. If you have told me I may not have listened too afraid of the change.
Just like my mom's puppy that I watched over this weekend, you have been there - incessantly and loyally by my side keeping me warm and comforted. Yet there are times I don't pay attention to you. But when I call to you - just like that puppy - you always come back and with great enthusiasm just for me. While I know You love me, I still don't understand why. So I know you are listening.
Lord, I am not great at vocalizing my prayers and you know this, but please listen to my heart as well as my words here. Am I fighting for what I want as a mother and you are fighting for what you need as God? I know there is reward in my public career so why can't I keep the vision of the reward as I do Your reward? I would rather spend time with my kids than trying to help a population that is almost beyond help. But You have put me here to do this, I know, and I know You know I can do it. But why don't I have the desire to?
Am I feeling this way more so now than ever because Savannah is starting school this year? I know I have many regrets for all three of my children and not being there for them so many times when I could have, but I thought I had accepted the reasons. Did I not ask for forgiveness for the times I should have when I wasn't doing what a mother should? If so I don't recall your prompting me to but now I am really learning from them. After 20 years I've worked and been a mom, this is impressing me now more than it ever has. You have put me here in this job long ago, and with a good plan, but why does it not seem to "fit" any longer? Have I been disobedient to you and am now learning the hard way?
In reading other mother's blogs today I am finding that they are not what I thought - just stay at home moms that is. They are lawyers and writers and home schooling moms who have the chance to work around life with their kids, not their kids having to have life around their work. Since they are working nonetheless, then why do I feel so picked on? Is it that they made their choice of what they are doing prior with having a family and children in mind? Is it that what they do they can be more personal with You in their work where I cannot cross those lines with the public sector? Why do I compare myself to other mothers when I know it is wrong? Is my dream to be both mother and employee as equally as the other unrealistic? Would there be a chance that I could work part time? Why am I in such a need for something to change? And why is it that at the end of the day all feels okay? Is it because my kids are at my side and I cherish the time I do have with them?
I admit I may have too much time to think at work which causes me to tear at emotions and desires...so please help me to be patient as things progress I know this will change.I can't help but seek balance for all. Please Lord can you give me any indication of what I am doing here and where should I be going? What is going on inside me and this balancing act I am fighting with? And if there is nothing to be revealed just yet, then I pray that you would help me to be patient. Please Lord, I am struggling. I pray that you will fill me with your Word so that I am with You and walking again. Always walking, no matter how tired or sick I may feel.
No comments:
Post a Comment