God's overwhelming love for us comes in so many forms; in answers to many prayers, the blessings we have and continue to be given, and in our beloved relationships with others. God sends this love through The Spirit and our counselor, Jesus Christ by way of many instruments. It is up to us to respond to it and when we do, we are left in awe and will never forget the comfort we are given with this true and unconditional love He has for us.
For me it was about 11 years ago when I really come to know the love God has for me. Sure I've always known it was there but I didn't comprehend His love until it was given to me by a complete stranger. It was as if Christ had knocked on my door himself. I am still overwhelmed with emotion as I recall the experience.
It was the morning of my youngest son's 7th birthday. I was still deeply depressed from all the turmoil from my ex-husband leaving me to moving back with him thinking we were working on things all the while living in a drug-addicted lifestyle. (That's another story.) I still remember that morning asking Todd if he would take the kids to school that day cause I just didn't feel up to it and wanted to remain in bed. He grumbled and gave me a hard time as if I had asked him to do a miracle or something and tried to make me feel guilty. I gave the boys my kisses and told Jacob "Happy Birthday" as they went out the door to school. After they left I remember enjoying the silence - not from the kids being away but because Todd was no longer there nor the reminder of the drug induced life he had brought into our house. If even for only a quick run to the school that he was gone, it was a relief that made me feel as if there were no problems around me.
About an hour had passed and I noticed Todd pulling in the driveway finally coming home. He had a couple of people with him, there was always someone new around him it seemed. I remember thinking to myself how old this was getting - his drug business and the lifestyle that tried to exist around me that is. And then no sooner than he got out of the car a couple cop cars pulled up. I remember it was like slow motion standing on the porch as I watched him getting arrested. I was not surprised by the matter after all the illegal activities he'd been involved in and I was very grateful the boys were at school by this time and not subjected to the event. I am sure Todd thinks to this day that I set him up by having him take the boys to school. It was always the way he thought - thinking that someone was out to do things in spite of him. He thought this way because this is how he was with others. But I have never been that way and little did he know me once the drugs took his life over.
After Todd was escorted away, the cops came into the house to inspect the place further. They asked me to look around at what I saw. I admit now from my depression and the drug use that my house was a mess, but at that time I was in denial. They had every right to tell me what they did about how my kids should not have to be subjected to such living conditions and yet I didn't want to hear it. I knew I was a good mom. I was just in a rut at the moment. It wasn't so much the house was messy but more that it was empty with not much sign of life. The cat's litter box was in the boys' room that I was sharing with them. I decided to keep the kids and my quarters separated in the house so that I had some sort of sanity left in feeling like I was a family with them. It didn't matter that we all stayed in that room with the doors closed. It was simply a way to co-habitate so that I didn't have to rely on my family continuously for support. I felt safer that the cat and I stayed in the boys' room together away from Todd.
As the cop left, I remember sitting on the couch feeling so empty inside. I remember thinking to myself, "and on my son's birthday of all days." It was the first time I had actually seen Todd arrested for his activity and yet I had no concern for him, only for my kids. The quiet air was all I could hear. What would I do with myself between that time and the time to get the kids from school? There was no life without those boys there. I wanted to pick them up sooner, but didn't know what I would say to them just yet. So I just sat there.
At that next moment there was a knock on the door. I was hesitant to open it for fear of another drug addict or cop looking for Todd. When I looked out the window there stood on the porch a soft faced woman holding a baby. I could tell she was older than I was. I had not ever seen her before, but this wasn't surprising since I was usually cooped up in that hell of a house and didn't socialize with anyone outside of Todd's circle. I felt a little embarrassed when I opened the door, but this passed as soon as she asked me if I was okay. She stated that she couldn't help but notice cops at my house from view of her window. I'm not sure how long she had been living across the street, in fact from what I remember the house looked vacant and had no life in it - almost like the one I was suffering in myself.
When she asked if there was anything she could do, my heart sank and the floodgates were opened with the love God was giving me through her presence. I was overwhelmed with the feeling that it was Jesus who was the one standing right there in her place and was holding His hands out to me. My emotions were so strong in return I felt my spirit literally fall down on my knees at His feet as I said, "Yes, could you please pray for me?" I then noticed that there were tears welled up in my eyes and that I had wept as I said those simple words without any thought. At that moment her eyes softened even more as they filled with tears. Her response had no words. She asked me my name and took my hands as she prayed. I don't even remember if she knew what had happened or why but I do remember how I was shaking and trembling through fear. I then felt Christ's love through the Spirit who comforted me and let me know He was listening. That He was glad that I had finally come to Him and that I received His special messenger that day. That everything would be okay, but that it would take some time. That through Him, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
After she left I felt a sense of hopefulness and began to realize something. From the time Todd left me, I thought I what I wanted and needed to be happy again was for my marriage to be repaired and back to normalcy without the desire or lifestyle influenced by drugs. I learned that in my heart that I already had the key to happiness all along. Thereafter I did try to influence Todd with what God was telling me, but I saw no results and decided that I would pursue without him. I am grateful every day that He never let the drug use get larger than the love I had of Christ. However at that time I didn't realize that I needed to actively seek God each and every moment of the day in order to receive guidance and strength. I just thought He was only there when I needed Him most and that my calling on Him at those times would be sufficient just as it did the day the perfect stranger came. Eventually I learned that I must move forward and continue to seek Him in order to get my children out of the mess I've let them live in, but God was right. It did take time.
I will never forget how much love I felt from God that day. It was my turning point and at that moment I knew my answer to all happiness. Seek God. It seems so easy, doesn't it? Looking back my relationship in the past with God was always one that was held in crisis situations. I didn't really understand that I needed commit to walk with God and really submit to Him in order to be truly happy. It has been a long time coming to finally figure this out. It can be hard work to keep on top of it every day, but it is so worth it. I think He sends these perfect strangers to us more than we know so that we will learn how He works through them for our sake. Without this experience I would never have grown. God has a perfect and strange love for me that I will never truly understand but just for a moment on that day I was given a small taste of what is is store for me when I meet with Him once again and it excites me to no end!
1 comment:
very inspirational. I should have helped more but because you were in denial, I could not see how you were hurting; I just saw you as being hateful. I just thought you wanted your life the way it was and I felt like you hated me for telling you my feelings and so I was not very helpful. Hindsight is 20/20 they say.
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