Friendship

How does one be a friend? Not just any friend, but a Christian friend? I think of people that I know that are Christian and to me they are labeled as such because they are a true friend; a friend in Christ, because of Christ, for Christ, to Christ and for all Christ’s children. I cannot say I am Christian yet. Not today with all the battles that I am fighting with my flesh. I am still a newborn baby in this walk with God, but my vision is to become a true Christian. I know this will be a great feat with all the influences that I am subjected to, but it is one my heart desires for to no end.

The past few weeks on the way to and from work I have been listening to an audio CD of a book by Pastor Joel Osteen about how to “Live your Best Life Now.” I spend my 30-45 minute drive asking the Lord to speak to me so that I may be enriched and know to do what I need to in all aspects of life. This morning he gave a message about compassion and giving to others. That by being compassionate and giving, God will return the same to us. However I feel disinterested in the reward. I am not concerned with what I get in return; I only have the desire to know how to please God and to live accordingly.

I realized then that while I need to spend time and give to God in order to continue to grow, it also pleases Him we give to others and meet their needs. The message spoke to me in that I am lacking probably the most important key in my friendships – past and present. I am missing the key the Pastor talked about – compassion. But why is it that I am lacking in this? I feel compassion for others but why do I not know how to truly show it? Why am I that selfish?

I have always struggled with friendships so it has always been easier in my mind to not have one at all. Just to be an acquaintance or a “drinking buddy” partying with others to pass the time. No real commitment that is. In my past relationships I have never truly devoted my time to anyone outside of my family. I have asked myself over and over, "Why don't I feel the desire to be friendly?" or "Why do I not desire to have friends?" and “Why don’t I want my friends to become my family?” I have an inkling that maybe these feelings are all to do with my first husband and his relationship to friends before our family, but regardless of where this comes in, it is not acceptable to feel this way.

I also wonder if it is that I am one that likes to have things planned ahead of time. I feel disrupted when I am asked to engage in spur of the moment decisions of going places or doing things. I seem to find friends that are indifferent to the way I am and therefore I have never found a happy medium with any of them due to my need of space and their need for what feels like to me constant attention.

But it doesn’t stop there. I have problems with reconnecting with friends that I have not seen in a long time. About 3 or more years ago I felt the urge to find an old friend from school, one that was my best friend growing up. So I wrote her a letter. She responded to me by email so excited and for a while and off and on would attempt to suggest getting together, but they were all unplanned events and never seemed to happen. Since then she hasn’t much contacted me any longer. I am sure this is largely my fault.

I remember back to when my husband and I moved into our neighborhood. He had mentioned that he would love to get some friends. I was terrorized by this thought. It took me back to the negligence of a husband’s role to family verses friends that haunted me from my previous marriage. So I told my husband, “No. I don’t want friends!” He looked at me very odd. Because of my reaction and feeling this way, I feel we really missed out on what could have been a really good friendship with our neighbors.

I admit that I do not communicate well; I take a long time to process my feelings, emotions, and how to describe them. Yet I am assertive and converse well at work – probably because it does not involve personal feelings. There are many times even with my mother and oldest son that I have the hardest time communicating with them. I find out the hard way that I do not know how to express my concerns without them coming out the wrong way and being interpreted incorrectly. I guess this is why I like online journaling - I am able to write my feelings in their true meaning better than I say them. I just have so much to say and to describe that to do it verbally it is not feasible and usually doesn’t work for me.

Last November my husband and I have returned to being active in our church body. It has been since this time that I have been led by the spirit to change my habits and to think differently. I found that I started to notice all things of the world that were not of Christ, which became overwhelming. I thought this was odd as I never used to notice when people would swear or smelled of cigarettes. It’s as if my eyes were opened to the world in such a different way that I have to fight the battle of being human and judging what is around me constantly. I hate it but it is there for a reason – to keep me in line and to be aware of what is also around my daughter.

I have also been prompted to change the way I spend my time at work and at home. I realized this past year that I hadn’t spent a lot of time at home and realized this needed to change. I had to figure out why my house didn’t feel like home. At first I thought the promptings for change was due to my husband’s job possibly relocating and my need to start breaking the ties with old things to make for new. To do this I thought I needed to spend all my spare time with God and take away time from others around me. While this has worked for my purpose in gaining a new relationship in God for my family, my home, and myself - I have hurt others that I have been absent from in the process.

I have been in a relationship with a kind-hearted spirit, one that has never hurt me yet I have hurt her more than I ever thought I could possible. Sure there were times it felt like she didn't listen to me or didn’t respect me and take no for an answer, but she was never “hurtful” the way I have now hurt her. In fact she is overly giving to me and all those around her. When we were first becoming friends I held back as I knew somehow someway I would be the first one to cause grief if we became friends. Today I realize God put me in this relationship with her for a reason but I am still not sure if the reason is to be there for her or to help my learning to become a real friend. Maybe it’s both. I only hope it is not too late to find out.

It happened a couple of months ago when I was prompted to pull back and spend my time with her and her family differently. I felt the urge to do this for various reasons in relation to the need for balance in my life and my new path to becoming a Christian mother, wife, role model, employee, daughter, and sister. Now I realize I left out the friendship aspect.

While my distance worked at first, I became impatient and sabotaged everything. Now I have hurt my friend. If I know her like I do, I know she is the forgiving kind. But do I deserve to be forgiven? Why should she trust me again?

Nothing more I can say or do at this point will reveal to her that my feelings were not meant to hurt or belittle her at all. She will never truly know that the way I feel about her wasn’t what changed. She will not really believe that I was only seeking safety and control of my life and my influence to my family to live by the Word of the Gospel. It is my hope that she will realize this as she gets to know the new me that is changing inside. She will understand then why I was pulling back and taking heed to envelope my family and myself back to spending the majority of our time "home making" as a family. To do this it will take time but for me a it will also take a lot more learning and searching for God’s help to be a better friend to her.

Today it is time I changed. I want to work towards my Christianity and in doing so I now realize that friendship is an area that I need real help in. So after these past few months I have been seeking God about what to do with current friendships as well as new ones - it has now occurred to me of His direction in what way to go. I need to continually pray to know what my role is in the relationship and how I am to respond to the other persons needs and feelings. I need God’s help to practice being compassionate and a “true” friend, not just a “buddy.” So I pray to God to that he will guide me through this path and lead the way as I seek Him and am fed by the Gospel of Jesus Christ and His example of true friendship.