I have heard that you are to immediately ask for forgiveness when you commit a sin. Well what if you didn't and you now have so many from the past that you still need to ask for forgiveness for? Just to share some back ground with you there are so many sins from my past. I am grateful to even be alive today to be able to ask for forgiveness from them. And just now as I type this I am comforted to know that Jesus loves me for asking forgiveness from Him.
My sins all started when I was 14. I began toying with the idea of drinking and getting attention by talking about it...it eased my shyness and helped me relax around the boy I thought was so cute. I actually persuaded and influenced the use of alcohol in the relationship and thought it was okay - if my dad enjoyed drinking then how could he disagree if I did it? This is the thought I had in my mind at the time. I used it as an excuse. I didn't even realize my dad had an illness called alcoholism. I was very naive but didn't ask questions either.
Then of course I became pregnant at 16 and was not married. At the time I thought it was okay as long as I "felt" those cozy emotions that love brings on. Of course I got married and did well the first year after baby Michael was born and was so in love with him that I didn't think of anything else. I didn't really commit much sin until a couple of years after that.
My husband wouldn't come home from work on an almost daily basis. Come to find out he was stopping at a friend's house on the way home and claim that he was waiting for his friend to come home work. Why then would one day when I knocked on the door of his friend's house would his friend's wife open the door in nothing but her bathrobe? And the first thing out of her mouth was that they were just talking about me? I was pregnant during that time with Jacob. I remember crying one night we were partying at their house and I wasn't drinking cause I was pregnant, but I remember him and her sneaking around the whole night and then asking me "what was wrong?" I remember not being able to wait until I was no longer pregnant so I could drink too and "feel" like I was back to normal. I was all but normal!
When Jacob was born he got really sick and what did I do Lord? I was easily influenced by my husband to leave town and get away from it all. I was not by the side of my baby boy. What Lord was wrong with me? Please Lord forgive me for this, I am so heartbroken because of it. And I praise you for taking him into your arms and saving his little life. I think I knew you would in the back of my heart but was still so distracted with the influence I had from my husband.
Lots of partying went on in order for me to "feel" comfortable being around all the people my husband at that time wanted to be around so I got pretty used to myself this way and liked who I was. I felt like I was fun to be around and outgoing. I never felt convicted of this however. Until now. Needless to say with drinking and partying comes about infidelity and indecent behavior and language. I was no angel and neither was he. I would flirt and try to get attention that I didn't really want and thought it was fun. For my husband he didn't ever have to drum up the courage with alcohol to do this like I did, he simply committed adultery. I never had proof, but know he did - didn't believe it until after we were apart. I was blind and naive.
I was so blind and naive that I actually thought I was happy in this marriage. I didn't understand why my husband left me at all. That is when I really sought you God, but my prayer was something I thought would be answered immediately. Little did I know your work. Please forgive me.
Then came the hard core drugs. This is the end of from the time I was married to about a 7 year period you could say. I was using meth and marijuana on an almost daily basis...as well as alcohol. I would spend meaningless time with strange people just to not feel alone. I did a lot of stupid things like driving under the influence with my children in the car. I even stole a necklace once thinking that if others got away with it so could I. Please God forgive me. I am so grateful that I didn't hurt those boys physically but emotionally I did. I am so distraught at my conviction. Please have mercy on me.
All the while my boys were staying nights at grandma's or at friends or even with me and at some of the most worst states of minds I could have. They would play with the other kids that were around at the time but never had good influential friendships with any of them since these kids were also facing the same dilemma. I neglected my children Lord and at the most influential time in their life too. I admit it fully. Please forgive me and take this shame away. Please help me to be a better mother.
I am so ashamed at myself. I am so ashamed. Please Lord forgive me for being so thoughtless and reckless with the life you have given me and the life I've given to my boys. I thank you for your salvation and for saving me...I have so many more past sins that I ask for forgiveness of and you know of them so I won't post here, but Lord I am honored by your grace and your blessings that you continue to give me regardless of my track record. Thank you dear God for sending your son, Jesus Christ, to bear the sins of the world. Mine alone are a burden I can't even bear, so I am so grateful. Amen.
1 comment:
Do not beat yourself up over things long past. I as your mother should have helped you and I was so caught up in my own problems that I did not help. I know God will forgive you because you are truly sorry and humble. I believe those who have been through hard knocks in life are better people because they have gone through it and came out a better person. People who have never been down that path really can't know the challege it is to have fallen and come up whole. I hope God will forgive me but I know that he has you because I know you are truly led by the Spirit of God and I hope someday to be able to feel God's forgivenss as well. You are a great example to me.
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