Trust in God

Remember being a kid and getting a shiny new penny? Remember the feeling of the value of that penny in your fingers all the while inspecting it over and over anxiously awaiting to spend it on a gum ball? I do. I remember the most how the words "In God We Trust" were so neatly placed aournd the edge of the penny. I hate to admit it but I read it those words many times but never knew what it really meant until now.

For some time I have been praying for my son, Michael. He has been in some trouble and lost for the last couple of years now but has always struggled with getting into trouble. Not big trouble, but just little things that most kids didn't get involved with. It usually had to do with other kids around him and just being in a bad place at a bad time. He is a follower. I have been praying more for him than ever this past several months. I thought that his being homeless and then in jail this past year would be the turning point for him.

At age 17, he ran away from home and was living in his car near his girlfriend's house. When he was found I asked his uncle Paul to take him in. He would take his uncle's car and pretended to go to school and when Paul couldn't do any more with him, God bless him for trying, he was left on his own. He ended back up with his girlfriend again and it wasn't long that the day after he turned 18, they got married in the presence of her parents and Michael's biological "father", Todd. She was only 16 years old and I was outraged that her parents would allow this - but after getting to realize what this girl was about, I understood very well.

A few days of being married, Michael and Kristen could no longer get vouchers for motels from the bishop for the LDS family services so they assumed help from my mother who created rules and tried to help them get started in their marriage. In the short time they were they, they created havoc together taking advantage of my poor mom telling her lies and conning her to feel sorry for them. She gave them a place to live in the motor home outside of the house until they could get a job and out on their own. She even helped them with some gas and groceries. Needless to say succeeding was not their plan at all. At least succeeding in the life we know of. There was no job searching done - well I think maybe Michael made a few attempts but they were half hearted. Kristen did finally obtain a job at Target but lost it due to theft of a diamond necklace and putting money on gift cards that she hid in the garbage.

One day when my mother was not there, they broke into the house stealing the coins my deceased father had collected for years. They combined what they found with my sister in law's collection and cashed it all out. Not to live off however - they spent their money on crude bumper stickers for their car, they would buy new clothes instead of washing the ones they had, and blue hair dye was also a big hit. This all the while they were pleading "hungry" and needed "gas" to my mom to help them. Their car was also falling apart and needed registered. My mom didn't understand why they would steal money and not use it for the necessities? Michael learned to go along with her desire to manipulate people to obtain what they wanted by stealing. Kristen was also a pathological liar. She believed the things she lied about such as that the people were out to get her at her job and that is why they blamed her for stealing something she hadn't.

It was not much longer after that when they decided to purchase a new car to replace their old one. It needed registered but without a new windshield and headlight, they were stuck. My mother stepped in and bought the windshield at that point, but after all the trouble she went to they conned an auto dealership to sign over a 2007 vehicle to them as she was able to get her grandfather who lived back east somewhere to tell the salesman he would co-sign for them. Can you believe that? They said their old car died on the side of the road so they had no choice but to walk to the dealership and get a new one. This may have been true, however it was infuriating to me and they assured everyone they called to ask for a co-signature that they were doing this to build their credit and would make payments. Eventually my mother realized they were not seeking anything other than pleasure and could no longer helped them and asked them to leave, they rewarded her with slashing the tires on her van in the middle of the night - and on Father's Day no less.

Moving forward they decided to one day sneak in his decrepit grandfather's house and steal a box of his checks. Kristen had Michael sign the checks and had her friends cash them so they could go on a shopping spree. They were even able to purchase a laptop and were living in motels and affording all that they needed. Michael said that Kristen loved dogs so he bought her a puppy. His name was Max but after they realized that a hot car in the summer is no place to let a puppy grow up they dropped him off at our mailbox. We didn't even know he was there but thanks to a strange neighbor knocking on our door, we became aware and were able to save him from the heat. We instantly adopted him and named him Bear.

Eventually they gave up the car as a voluntary repossession. I was quite surprised that they were aware of the dealership trying to locate them. There was no way of contacting them so she must have gotten word from her friends through her mother somehow. That was one count of grand theft auto they were able to avoid.

It all ended for them the day they got caught and have been separated since. Unfortunately it was family who had to do it. The cops were looking for them for some time. Michael and Kristen were at the movie theater when they ran into my son and an uncle at the mall. They were casually waiting to get into a movie when they got scared and decided they would call security's attention by telling them a lie that Michael's uncle threatened them. As the guards were about ready to make them leave, the uncle then let the security guards know that the two were running from the law and were both lying. So they took the time to do a background check and sure enough Kristen & Michael's lies didn't get through this time. Michael didn't see Kristen after that except a few times when in the park. And she was with another man each time.

Michael has been in and out of jail during these last few couple of years. October of 2007 when he was released we took him in and he did well for a while and was making good money. He stated he got laid off from his job but I am not really sure caused them to lay him off. I think this way because he had once gotten sick at work and was sent home but didn't come home. I have an old friend that worked at the same place that had let me know about it ahead of time. When he did come home, he pretended to have worked and told his day was like any other.

He became involved with a nice girl that he knew from high school and started spending all his money purchasing text time on his phone. She was going to college at the time and lived in St. George, and eventually I think decided to end the relationship with him after he didn't pursue his divorce from Kristen. This happened right before he lost his job. After that he had no motivation to do anything. We expected him as part of living with us to go out and job search and to get his divorce completed, but there was no results in his actions or indication of actions taking place. So we then decided he could work in our basement finishing the mudding on the drywall in lieu of a place to stay in addition to job searching. He knew he had to be doing something. A while later it was found that he would make light to his friend that we made him our "slave" and that to show us he would steal things from us. When this was revealed, we had no more. We had to make the move to push him out, even if it meant on the streets.

A day later Michael was dropped off at the shelter in Salt Lake by a kind church member, but after a week of that he decided he didn't like it and preferred to live in the park. He attempted to convince me that the shelter would not accept him, but a member of our church worked there and confirmed that was incorrect. At that point I began to realize not to feel sorry for him. After about 5 months of living in the park with the other homeless people, he was put in jail and to stay until his birthday, unless he served "good time" then it would be sooner. This has been and will be his longest time spent there. It was last August when they put him there, serving time for his charges that he has not taken care of with probation nor paying in fines & restitution for his grandparents.

After learning he was there, I knew I had time to pray and felt it a blessing that I was given this time to seek an answer from God for what was to happen when he does get out and what my role would be. I wanted to be prepared this time and to know if we as parents were supposed to give him another chance to stay at home to work out his troubles. What's more my being Michael's mother I felt a personal responsibility to step in and guide him regardless of what my husband's opinion was. I worried though as I was praying - I wondered "Am I praying for Michael or for myself so that I no longer need to worry?" I did receive an initial response - that it "isn't time." But I believed that somehow that the answer God gave me would change if I continued to pray and encouraged Michael to do the same. I also felt that if I was praying for the wrong reason, then I could also take the time to correct this. I let it go for a while to explore options and to get a feel for what Michael's desire was to do. Initially he wanted to get into the transitional housing program for inmates, but last month he decided that it was just a fluke program and a way for the deputies to throw him back in jail. He talked about living with his grandfather who has incredibly forgiven him, or that he would go to job corps, or that he just needed to be back on the street again to continue learning his lesson. His being so wishy washy did not help me so at the recommendation of a church member to fast. I decided I would.

So it was two weeks ago that I had prayed and fasted for Michael's approaching release from jail. I knew in my heart this meant he'd be out on the streets again regardless of all the options he contemplated. I was in denial about it and the weather was not getting better. I have never fasted before. Being a mom I could not allow him to let himself sleep in freezing whether. I admit this whole time I'd hoped somehow he'd screw up and they wouldn't let him out until spring. At least then it would be warm. I didn't want my horrible nightmare of him killing himself or starting to death to come true in anyway.

From fasting I did not get indication from God of an answer for Michael changing or that the answer He gave prior even existed. Instead I received an answer to my prayer for help in my career. Since then I have really felt the ability and desire in my new job change dramatically. A good point was made last week though in Bible Study. That sometimes I am not to do anything and to just leave it in God's hands. That is when I heard the words God gave me from when I prayed first in August. "It's not time," again. And I thought I would leave it in His hands but of course I still felt unsure what I was supposed to do. I wondered what others felt I should do and asked for some sort of indication from them without my having to ask. Having just prayed about that yesterday I later received a message from my pastor who gave me his opinion. I simply asked for this and it was received.

I prayed before I went to visit Michael last night. I thought I needed to pray about the things I say to Michael and the influence I have no matter what option he chooses for when he gets out next month. I prayed that whether or not he asks for our help that it will be his own decision to do so and if he doesn't that there was no coming home - not yet.

Amazingly as I sat down across the glass from him, his first words to me were that he had another year to serve in jail. That he just found this out last week. I thanked God and was relieved. I realized to myself that this was what God meant all along. But I assumed He meant that it wasn't "time" for Michael to change, or that now was not the right "time" to pray for Michael. I had no idea what God really meant and should have just trusted him and been patient. I have a lot to learn.

Why do I not trust in just God's word? Why do I have to feel the need of being human and having tangibility attached to everything? Will this trust simply grow over time?