Walking with God

Stinkin' Thinkin'

2011-12-27T18:39:00.001-06:00

I've been reading Joyce Meyer's Battlefield of the Mind and can I just say I am so glad to know that I am not the only one that has struggles here!

She's right, we have stinkin' thinkin' and in so many areas of our lives. I find myself thinking wrong thoughts almost constantly!

When reading others' blogs I often why they can always "seem" to be so positive and always uplifting. Joyce says this takes a lot of time and practice to get rid of the stinkin' thinkin' - and that it also takes a lot of God. I pray that one day, sooner rather than later, my walk will be mature enough to focus on the positive. In the meantime I will continue to remind myself in my walk that this is part of the process - even if I don't understand it. I know that the enemy is fighting this war in my mind and while he thinks he is getting to me, I also know it is all part of the process to recognize that it is the enemy who is interfering with my spirituality and so I learn to rely on Jesus for my strength. I also have learned to accept that I need to ask for His forgiveness when I do allow my thoughts to take me captive. Even when Satan tells me I don't deserve to ask or to pray, I know that I am worth it! I am that lost sheep and He is my Shepherd.

I highly recommend Joyce's book and I know I will be reading it again just as soon as I am complete with it.

Christmas

2011-12-09T01:31:00.002-06:00

Christmas this year to me means reconnecting with God and Christ, I have usually finished my shopping by this time but haven't exactly started and that is okay. I don't have big plans other than to give my heart and my mind to focus on Christ. It has been a long time since I have really invested in my relationship with Him and it has shown.

I am loved

2011-12-09T01:16:00.001-06:00

Through this world of woes and all that comes with it - one thing always warms my heart is knowing I am loved. God sent His son for me because He loves me and Christ is my savior and will always love me. No matter how down I get, remembering this always makes things better.

It's been a long time...

2011-10-29T01:05:00.004-05:00

I caught myself reading my blog here today. It is amazing how in just moments I became inspired with what I wrote! If I hadn't known I was reading my own blog I wouldn't have been able to tell you that these posts came from me...in fact I don't even recollect those feelings ever existed in me to write such wonderful things. But now just as soon as I obey allowing God to open my heart - everything I know of the Truth and Love all comes pouring back in. See how long it has been?

Over the last 8 months I have regretfully let myself become distracted with being lazy in my walk. I am the only one to blame knowing that I have distanced myself from the Lord. And it is sad that I knew it would happen all along...just letting the light become more and more dim each day. I have been ignoring the promptings from what I know to keep myself built up - I stopped going to church, I stopped associating with the people from church, I stopped reading my Bible, and I stopped blogging about my walk. However I didn't stop believing. I know He still keeps watch on me and that I am truly unhappy when I don't keep near Him. Why then do I seem to continue on this path of life with the struggle to wander off from time to time?

Where did my zealousness go? When did my drive and excitement for life through the church of Jesus Christ leave? I am reminded of how my mother so long ago told me to keep encouraged, that I have a gift for writing. But my gift is not for writing, it is for living in the Light. We all have this gift. And yes, we must be encouraged to remain in it. This is why we need others in our lives at all times who are on the same walk with God. They may be at a different time in their walk, but they are walking just the same. I read in Ecclesiastes 4:10 "If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up." So for my mom to have said this to me is something I will never forget and it is what has kept me inspired to keep this blog especially lately when I haven't felt I have lived a well enough life to tell about it.

Reflecting through these past few months, I realize I am still learning and growing. Maybe I am not so stagnant after all? I found that when I am not sinning I do better to recognize the enemy's voice coercing me to sin. This is something I think the Lord needs me to do believe it or not. To recognize when I am being tempted and to continue to seek Him for strength. And how could I know this if I hadn't been tempted in the first place? I don't always listen to take note and hear the enemy's voice so many times I never knew what was going on really, I just listened to it and followed it. The enemy thrives on my shortfalls and tries to bring me down each and every time. Satan makes it sound so appealing but then I am reminded of how in sin I feel horrible and dirty so much to the point that I am drawn to be nearer to the Lord. And yes, just like my father my Heavenly Father has to teach me the hard way to get me to listen.

Just like Satan who doesn't give up on tempting me, Jesus too never gives up on me. It is up to me to seek and listen when he responds to my prayers. I find that I am starting to be able to admit that I cannot do this alone and that in itself opens my heart for His love. (Part of my struggle has been allowing Satan leading me to believe my prayers are insignificant and that I should not be worthy to even have them, but that is another lesson I am still learning and will probably write about some time during this journey.)

I have been allowing my thoughts to become depressed thinking aobut reaching the last year of my third decade. I feel old and that I have wasted so many good years of my life not knowing God therefore where can I go now? Will I be strong enough to pursue living a life that pleases him? Why couldn't I have chosen the path early in life like so many others? I've allowed my self to feel that I haven't accomplished anything for God's sake so where will my next half of life mean for anything if I spend it learning how to become Christ like. I felt I should be mature in my faith by now so that I could be the role model for my daughter that I wasn't for my boys so many years ago. I realize this is again the enemy getting at me. He tries to trick me into thinking I am not good enough for my Heavenly Father that He would even want me. I sometimes agree with him that I shouldn't try to be someone I am not. And then I know better. I know I am a child of God and that he loves me. I know that Jesus encourages me to live my life for God and do all that I can to strive to be better, but that He also loves me the way I am. And so my battle here is perfection. I am led to believe that I need to be fully worthy in everything I do in order to gain His love at all, but that isn't true.

I meant only to post a short amount here but as you can see much more emotions and spirit is coming forth than I had thought would and as I write this I picture myself starting all over in the morning with the last 8 months I have wasted to be past me, yet it is much harder than that. I know tomorrow I will still be struggling with keeping my life on the path near God, but He is always there in every morning's light. In my thoughts, my prayers, and my heart. I realize how important church is in order to stay encouraged and in the Love He has given us, that the fellowship with others really makes this life more bearable for the time we are here. The strength that it gives us to hold fast against temptation and the beauty it brings to our life, our words, and our thoughts. (Even in blogging!) I pray that I will return back and no longer allow myself to be tricked thinking I am a stranger feeling out of place.

This lifetime of mine is only a day of His eternity, and while I have this inspiration this very moment to write and share my walk's experience, I also know I must truly learn to be careful. He listens to my cry from the path across Him, He is waiting for me to come toward the light during this dark period. And I can't help but be tempted to feel I have failed because yet again he is waiting for me. I start to wonder how many times I do this before he will not wait any longer. Then I reminded of the story He gave about forgiveness and how many times a person shall be forgiven and I also remember the scriptures that tell me the Spirit and that God's love will never leave once we accept the Lord. (Romans 8:9-11 & 8:38 )

I love the Lord. I Thank Him for His love for me. I am a child of God.

"For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow."
~ James 1:3, NLT

The gift of giving makes a joyful heart!

2010-12-12T08:35:00.001-06:00

I love giving, and not just at Christmas. I love to find that perfect gift for someone. One that speaks to my heart. I love wrapping the gift and the giving of it. It makes me wonder how God felt the day He gave us His only son. And to see how we received it. What a joy this time of year brings to my heart to give to people and to show them love. I am so thankful for our Heavenly Father that He first showed us love so that we could love. Most of all I am thankful for His gift of sacrifice in sending us His son to die for our sins so we can once again live with Him for eternity.

Merry Christmas!

Living and Loving on Purpose

2010-11-24T00:01:00.001-06:00

Matthew 15:36 "And he took the seven loaves and the fishes, and gave thanks, and brake them, and gave to his disciples, and the disciples to the multitude."

Being away from my family in Utah this Thanksgiving I knew would be hard. After all this first year away will pose all kinds of new situations. But we also knew when we moved here there was purpose for it happening, a purpose for God. While we don't always know what that purpose is, Christ is always discussing and conversing with God about us when we pray. With prayer comes action. I am thankful for prayer and the gift of love this season. For I am in need of both every day!

This year I will be learning to love outside of my family. To begin we have invited a family over for Thanksgiving dinner that is in need of some relief due to stress and a tight schedule. Charlie and I felt so inclined as to find a family such as this in our church body and offer them into our home - of course God pointed us right away to them but little did I know how much it would mean to them for us to do so. Iin fact, there was such an overwhelming feeling that came when the mother of the family and I realized that both of our prayers were answered at the same time. I can't even explain in words how awesome God works. My first experience in this type of love was joyful.

Today the spirit has laid two thoughts on my heart that I am now pondering on. They came to me while driving home after Beth Moore's bible study today. I am challenged by them. She talked about living life on purpose - so it got me to thinking about loving on purpose. Love is what brings life.

It has always been so easy for me to love my family, but I never knew how to love those that I was not related with. Well since we moved out here I knew I would be stretched for His glory, this was confirmed to me prior to arriving. Knowing there may not be a possibility of my blood family to come here, I prayed about it and had faith He had a plan.

Christ teaches us with his example from the verse above by giving to others and also thanking. We are all family and we ought to love one another as He has loved us. The first thing is to open my heart up for this desire and of course He knew the timing I would need for it. Living life on purpose means loving on purpose. I want to live and love on purpose just as Christ did. What else is this life for?

Don't close your eyes!

2010-10-30T18:28:00.002-05:00

Savannah, my daughter, always sends keen messages to me. Messages that remind me I am a daughter of God.

The other afternoon she and I were at our new church. It was after a luncheon given to those that are new to the congregation. She grabbed my hand, and said, "Mom, I have a surprise. Close your eyes and hold my hand." I instantly replied, "I can't close my eyes or I might trip!" She said back to me, "I will hold on to you." She then led me into another room, had me open my eyes and then pointed to a baby crawling in the foyer. She said, "See. Look!"

It was the cutest thing. Of course Savannah loves babies. Who doesn't. But the message that hit me here was when I said, "I can't close my eyes or I might trip!"

This is so true! I have been battling many spiritual warfare and even slipped some away from the Gospel because I have been shutting my eyes rather than keeping them open where I can remain in a cautious state of mind.

But Savannah's second message occurred to me...that even though my eyes were shut, Christ still held my hand all the way through. Leading me and making sure I didn't fall!

I thank my Heavenly Father for the gift of His son and the Holy Spirit for always being near and reminding me of the Gospel so that when I don't "feel" near I remember my faith and am given a renewed hope to continue forward.

John 14:17 (Amplified Bible)
"The Spirit of Truth, Whom the world cannot receive (welcome, take to its heart), because it does not see Him or know and recognize Him. But you know and recognize Him, for He lives with you [constantly] and will be in you."

John 14:26 (Amplified Bible)
"But the Comforter (Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, Standby), the Holy Spirit, Whom the Father will send in My name [in My place, to represent Me and act on My behalf], He will teach you all things. And He will cause you to recall (will remind you of, bring to your remembrance) everything I have told you."

Another message that has struck me well this week after my Bible reading is of how can I expect God to remain near me when I am not near Him?

James 4:8 (New Living Translation)
"Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world."

Thank you Lord for your word and your guidance through Christ and your Holy spirit! I pray I will remain obedient and thirsty for your life and love. May the enemy have no power over me!

Counting my blessings...

2010-10-14T11:59:00.000-05:00

Instead of focusing on my not being perfect and my downfalls, I have chosen to spend my time counting my blessings instead.

Needless to say I am doing much better and continue having the hope of Jesus Christ.

Prayer Request

2010-10-09T05:46:00.006-05:00

So here I am. It has been a while. I find I usually do not want to write here in this blog unless I am completely and whole heartedly on the right side of my walk - meaning when I am in awe of the spirit and led to write about the awesome things. I feel led today though to share where I have been. I have been in need to identify and deal with what I am going through rather than waiting painstakingly for this season to pass.

However today I want to remind myself that just because the name Christian has Christ in it, does not mean we are perfect. I need prayer and what better way to ask for it than to post a request here?

So here I am, struggling with sin and have allowed to let my walk go by the wayside. I read others' blogs and they are always so in tune with God and His Word, I begin to wonder what is wrong with me? Why do I feel the need to also post the times I am in battle.

I thought at first I was going through spiritual warfare, but today I know I am simply being convicted. I so badly wanted to live my life differently 2 years ago and then when I started this walk it was so awesome I never thought I would allow anything to interfere with my relationship with God.

Boy was I wrong. I have tripped up with sin. Sin of slothfulness, coveting, worrying, and lack of self control.

Sure I can blame it on our moving, I can blame it on the stress, I can blame things all I want but reality is that I am allowing my walk to go on the wayside. I say allowing because I am not over this yet, I have a lot of work to do. But I need prayer to start with. Prayer allows God to move, this I know.

In comparison to what I see other Christians write I realize that this is because as a Christian we are to lift each other up, and that those I read online are probably doing very well in their walk. They are great influences and examples to me. But I still wonder, does anyone have these struggles too and just does not write about them?

As I am working on these issues in my walk, I know with Christ there is always a renewed hope each morning, therefore today I am hopeful. Today I will pray rather than worry. Today I will be joyful and be obedient.

Yes, I sometimes need to take life, but more importantly my walk with God, one day at a time, not every day is perfect for me. Not every day have I tried either. Please pray that I may have and keep my faith and obedience just for today.

Sunday

2010-08-01T09:08:00.004-05:00

I woke up this morning feeling empty. I reminded myself that I need to take time out to "commune" or fellowship with God. With our upcoming move and all the details and preparations there are to do I have been so busy concentrating on daily tasks that I have put aside my daily time with the Lord. So before I arose from bed this morning, I said a little prayer asking God to enter my mind, spirit, and heart before the day truly starts.

It used to be that Sunday was just another day off and I did what I wanted with no thought at all to the Lord - the enemy always made it enticing to do so too, yet I never realized this until now. When I was a child I looked forward to it to spend time together with my family doing "Sunday" things. Even though we went to church there wasn't much impression on me about anything I heard or learned there. What I loved was being together afterward eating a Sunday dinner, taking a drive, or playing board games and watching television. But now things are different. You know what I love about Sundays now? All the troubles are forgotten and I find I spend my day focusing on God more than any other day of the week!

Today is Communion Sunday - I am focusing on Jesus Christ dying on the cross for us so that our sins could be forgiven and that we may have life. I never understood this before but as I continue my walk with God my testimony of His Gospel is increasing in me and I am finding that I am getting richer and richer in not only coming to know who Jesus is, but coming to love Him.

Yes, I am getting to the point in my relationship with God that I have not been in before! Before my newfound walk and love with God I wasn't really sure about who Jesus was and why He was so important. I knew of Him, I knew He had a big part in why I even knew God in the first place, but yet I didn't have a personal relationship with Him. Until now. I recently read the book of John for the first time in my life and I had no idea I would get to know Jesus on such a very personal level.

I want to thank the Lord for His gracious abundance of blessings and love for not only me but for all of us! I want to thank Him for sending His only son to us and giving us this precious gift of life! I praise the Lord God for beckoning to me so long ago and being patient waiting for me to respond and now that I have he has given me ears to hear His voice and eyes to see His work so that I may know it in order that I will recognize Him and continually seek Him. I am so grateful to be a child of God!

On Music...

2010-07-14T20:23:00.004-05:00

I am a big thinker. As if you cannot tell. I like to listen to music that makes me think, makes me recall events, makes me ponder. Ever heard a song on the radio that totally fits you to a T? Here's one I've been hearing lately that does me - makes me think back over the past two years as I have come to know know Jesus.

"Born Again" performed by the Newsboys.

I found myself looking into the mirrior

Knew I wasn't who I wanted to be

I was living like the way that I wanted

But my eyes reminded me I'm not free.

Believed that I saw everything that I know

Says I got to go, tired of going solo

But I'm never gonna go there again.

This is what it is

This is who I am

This is where I finally take my stand

I didnt want to fall

But I don't have to crawl

I'm not the One with two scarred hands

Giving him the best of everything thats left of

The life inside this man

I've been Born Again

I see you walking like your living in fear

Having trouble even looking at me

Wishin they would give you more than words

Sick of people telling how it should be (how it should be)

Whats your download, where'd you get your info,
you saw that I'm show now your in the inload

Gonna tell you what I believe

This is what it is

This is who I am

This is where I finally take my stand

I didnt want to fall

But I don't have to crawl

I'm not the One with two scarred hands

Giving him the best of everything thats left of

The life inside this man

I've been Born Again

We are the ones they call by name

(I'm never gonna look back)

Let go let go the guilt the shame

(Said I'm never gonna look back)

This is who I am

This is what it is

This is who I am

This is where I finally take my stand

I didnt want to fall

But I don't have to crawl

I'm not the One with two scarred hands

Giving him the best of everything thats left of

The life inside this man

I've been Born Again

Fine Tuning

2010-07-06T14:31:00.003-05:00

Do you ever have one of those sleepless nights? Or two or three? How about two or three in a row? As soon as you lay your head down to sleep the noise begins?

I have been battling a bit of insomnia I'm afraid. I am sure a lot of it is due to my husband being away and my sleeping without him, but nonetheless it is mainly due to my allowing the enemy in to distract me with worry and try to rob me of the faith and trust I have in the Lord for the answers to prayers I've been seeking from Him.

Not sleeping, my head became like a communication tower moving large amounts of sporadic information through the air. It was as if my thoughts, or worries rather, came and went in the same manner my daughter tries to tune into her radio. I am sure you all know what that sounds like. A mess!

Unlike the radio in the car that has programmed digital tuning, my daughter doesn't understand that to find something she desires the dial must be moved slowly. Like her moving the dial back and forth, my mind was racing through the channels so fast that I was unable to process anything.

One of my favorite scriptures I would normally rehearse to myself of during a time like this is Philippians 4:6, NLT - "Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done."

I didn't, however, remember to recite this verse at the time. I was too caught up in the moment to even allow God to intervene. I allowed Satan to turn my intentions to pray into worry. I have always worried a lot as I am a deep thinker and everything filters when all is quiet around. But it has been a long time since I've done this - especially since I've learned how to commune with God. I am learning that while the Lord is in my heart I will find a constant battle with Satan who tries to get in my head to make me an ineffective Christian. Spiritual warfare has been quite a battle for me lately. The enemy knows when to get me and that is when I am tired! But I will not give up! I do trust the Lord and I am very grateful!

I find my communion with the Lord like the example of my daughter learning to tune her radio slowly to find clear connections. My conclusion is that in order to slow down and tune in, the key is keeping on top of the Word to prepare battles with the enemy in just the same manner Jesus did while tempted out in the desert. His response to the enemy's schemes were, "It is written" - what a great example He has given me! My goal this summer is to begin memorizing verses for this very reason. Before I was following I didn't understand the importance of memorizing verses but now I do!

In addition to "fine tuning" my communion, my daughter's radio has other lessons to teach me. She and I have both noticed that when I am helping her to tune the radio to find a station with good reception the reception becomes lost when I step away. I am sure this is due to the broken antenna, so I tell her to simply keep the radio close to her and it will work the way it is supposed to. The same is true for keeping myself close to God - I too am broken and need a Savior.

Through these sleepless nights I am reminded yet again of the importance of why I must remain close to the Lord and take the time to slowly move through the channels to find His answers and guidance. I am left with this reflection today and praying to the Lord to help me be patient to be slow and to tuning to His channel and to keep Him near granting me His graceful peace...and rest!

Oh to be little again.

2010-07-02T17:07:00.000-05:00

Matthew 18:3

And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."

Summer time brings so many memories of my childhood. The smell of dirt, the fresh produce, the grass, the water, the sun. the rain, and most of all the sense of freedom.

So I was going through some old pictures this afternoon and came across this one from a few years back during our Oregon vacation. I can't believe how my daughter, Savannah, has grown!

In looking through pictures of my daughter and comparing how much she has grown I was reminded about how the Lord asks us to be like little children. This raised the same old question, "Why?" Why does he want us to be like little children? Then I turn back to my memory and reflect on the qualities of youth - energetic, free , non-judgemental, & loving all that surrounds them. Of course! Children are such a great example of all of Christ's qualities. How I long to have those days back when life didn't have temptations or trials but know if I keep on the right path I will have this freedom again. Eternally.

Now that I too have grown, just as my daughter has, I must make the effort to remember to be a child. To think of how good it feels to run in the sand and water and how the immense ocean makes me feel so insignificant yet so significant all at the same time. This is because I know He loves me and I am his child.

Speaking of the ocean, I was recently viewing pictures on CNN and instead of seeing all bad, I see good. I see the people that are working so diligently to clean it up. There is so many of them! I see the people that are taking good care of the animals who have been affected by the spill. I think it pleases God that there are those that show so much care and concern for His creation that we don't want to lose it. All in all it is always His plan that these things happen in that we, His children, may grow and seek Him. Earth is a tangible thing...hard to reconcile that we may be here today and gone tomorrow, but when things like this happen it really increases my testimony of how He is moving and encourages me to truly seek Him.

So to be a child again. I shall not worry for I am covered with Christ's blood. When in this state of mind and spiritual meditation I, like a child, don't know of the worries of the world. We only see good through children's eyes and we are free. We can still be free today and I praise the Lord for His wise instruction - reminding us of who we are - His children!

Yes, all this from one picture.

Taking time to notice...

2010-06-29T22:00:00.001-05:00

Today as I entered the parking lot on my way home from work, the smell swept over my nose and the memories of being a child came all over me again. I love how the dirt and the rain take me back to when I was a child, summer memories. But now this smell is much more than that, it reminds me of the earth...the earth you created and created us from. It got me to thinking about how much I love the way You made the earth, the grass that is full and plush, the smell of flowers, the sky - so big and full of wonder, the miracle of birth, beautiful water, and the list goes on....

Because of the details you created, You made a life for us here...imagine what else You have in store! I can't even begin! How awesome! Thank you Lord.

On growing...

2010-06-27T09:35:00.018-05:00

Just like a baby, there are many stages of growing in LIFE. I am beginning to find this is true to growing in Life with Christ. Yet last October I thought I was as far as I was going to go with God. When I started that desert trip I thought for sure there was nothing more for me. But I kept faith and now know I was wrong to think that. Today I am reflecting on a newfound stage of my growth and finally understand what it means to be on the potter's wheel!

I admit that before I came into the truth and chose to live for God, I thought in doing so life would be easy -that those who go to church doing Godly things have no worries and are without conflict. Some of this is true for me - but only while living in Faith. It is like how my brother Marty put it to me long ago, "As long as you do what you are supposed to do things will be alright." I think what he meant to say was as long as you choose right over wrong, God will be there.

This new life is anything but easy for me. Don't get me wrong, there are peaceful, joyful, fulfilling times - mountaintops if you will - when I am listening, obeying, and walking with Him. But in order to grow there are also times God lets go of my hand during our walk so that I may learn to seek Him even when the Spirit isn't present. Needless to say I have learned greatly about how to trust and keep faith these past few months...and here comes more obedience on my part.

I am battling spiritual warfare, but over time it gets just a tiny bit lesser and lesser. I know that God is constantly molding and shaping who I am in Christ. My Pastor put it to me in such an easy way to understand, he said that Satan works overtime on us Christians once we start following Christ. Satan doesn't want me to win. That when I wasn't following Christ and constantly living in sin without conviction or repentance there was no reason for Satan to focus on me. But now there is - big time.

It isn't a daily battle, but I do tend to get impatient with myself for not being who I wish to be in Christ "now." I am tricked to wishing to be perfect when Satan tells me things like how I will never be perfect or good enough for Christ. Yes I have bad habits that developed over the years from not knowing any better. I find I see them now almost constantly, and while being convicted of them is bothersome, it is the only way to get rid of them. Satan, of course, takes his part in magnifying them to try to bring me down, but I choose disregard the negativity and trust in the Lord. I know I am right where the Lord wants me and that no matter what I am doing I am who I need to be during this time in my life and that He is changing me taking gentle time shaping and forming me on his pottery wheel. (Jeremiah 18)

I am learning this year to know Christ. I have always believed in Him, but I didn't really know Christ the way I do God and the Spirit - I didn't have a relationship with Him. Now that I do, I want to know Him more and more each day. He has asked me to come to Him. Of course I want to ask Him exactly how, when, and what to do. But I know this answer and so I pray that I continue to be patient with my growth, get into His Word every day, obey when I am convicted, and truly repent.

I know that living on this earth in this temporal body is so different than what it will be with the Lord in heaven - so when I live with Him in Spirit here - I admit I become anxious and want it all the time. I want to see what He has in store. Can you imagine all the beauty we find from Him here on earth mulitplied? I am human. I long to hurry and be with Him when and where I can, but have learned this will all take time and that He does have a plan for me - eternity.

Shoo Fly!

2010-06-04T09:46:00.002-05:00

My 6 year old daughter has a few CD's she likes to listen to in the car on our long journeys to and from town. (We live 20 miles away from real civilization - so entertainment of sorts are a must.) We will take turns - I listening to K-Love and she listening to her CD. I was pondering the other day after hearing the song "Shoo fly, don't bother me" for probably the 100th time, "What is the message this song is trying to convey?" Sure it has a very catchy tune but do children know what they are singing about? After pondering this it came to me and I have found much more meaning to it than a preschool rhyme she and I happily sing along together. The lyrics are simple and easy to follow:

Shoo, fly, don't bother me,
Shoo, fly, don't bother me,
Shoo, fly, don't bother me,
For I belong to somebody.

CHORUS:

I feel, I feel,
I feel like a morning star,
I feel, I feel,
I feel like a morning star.

I researched this in Wikipedia and it doesn't say much about it other than it originated in 1860. It says there, "The song remained popular over the decades, and was commonly sung by soldiers during the Spanish-American War of 1898, when flies and the yellow fever mosquito were a serious enemy. In the soldier’s version, after singing the famous Shoo fly, don’t bother me three times, the soldier would then sing For I belong to company G."

I thought for sure to find some other meaning to this song, but apparently no one else has thought of it the way I have? In my own life I struggle with spiritual warfare. The enemy is always "buzzing" around telling me I will never be good enough for Christ or that I am always failing. In hearing this song the other day, I am reminded to shoo the enemy off because I belong to somebody and that somebody reminds me that I am a morning star! So even though this song doesn't advertise that it originated as a spiritual message, it will be one to me and I'd like to teach the same to Savannah.

It is interesting when you look for God in everything, you find Him there. He is undeniably everywhere and every step of the way.

Proverbs 3:6 "In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths."

SHOO FLY!

On forgiveness...

2010-05-31T17:22:00.004-05:00

"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4:32

I have been pondering lately about forgiveness. It isn't an easy thing to do yet we are commanded to do so as our Father has forgiven us of our sins. Years ago my brother Marty once gave me good advice during a time I was not living a well life and hurt a lot of people, especially my parents, he said, "As long as you're doing the things you are 'supposed' to be doing, you will be fine." I realize now what he meant but at that time I didn't know how to apply it nor did I have a relationship with Christ.

There is much more great insight in the book of Ephesians beginning in verse 17 that have great instruction about losing touch with God by allowing to keep hardness of heart and being calloused. But ultimately the verse I posted above makes the clear point - to forgive as we are forgiven. If we know God and our scriptures we know then that we must have trust and faith in forgiveness is it produces many fruits of the spirit and without it how will we grow in character as well as our relationship with our heavenly Father and expect to live with Him someday?

I often think of those that have not forgiven people. I feel sorry for them in that they don't seem to get it. They must not be aware of grace and love that will pour on them by trusting in this act that Christ teaches us by His own example. I pray for them that they will realize it isn't about being right or wrong, that it isn't about who hurt who or who is stronger willed and will not step down give up and say sorry and try and work things out. I hope they realize that it is a sin between them and God and until they acknowledge this I have to question will they ever have a desire to forgive?

I have lived with much question and anger off and during my life however year and a half ago I found who I am in Christ and that is when my character began changing after accepting my Savior. I finally realized that the unanswered questions no longer hurt me, that the enemy didn't have power any longer. Christ's gift of light instilled in me, as it is said in the book of John, and withstood the darkeness - the darkness cannot understand the light! What a transformation I have been going through. I was done with feeling hurt and recognized it as work of the enemy. I can only pray now that they will not let the enemy take use of the circumstance forever, after all we are here for only such a short time.

As I still grow in this Walk with God and continue in this new life in getting to know Christ my Savior I am continually a changed person. Daily I take inventory of all the things I do, my thoughts, my actions and even though I pray to God and know he knows my thoughts before they are thought, I still ask Him to show me where I may need to forgive others or how I may show them love. I find that I am still this new being all the time with the Holy Spirit bountifully alive in my heart just anew as it was when I first came into it and as long as I obey and keep close to Him I am filled with His joy!

Weeds

2010-05-27T19:18:00.002-05:00

So I've been aggravated lately with the amount of weeds I've been getting in my front yard this spring. Why are they so bad? Why don't the neighbor's lawns seem to have them so bad? I sprayed them over and over last year so where did these all multiply from? This has created an eye for looking around and noticing other weeds everywhere I go - so I think to myself, "Why did God make weeds? What is the purpose?"

And as often as it happens to me my answer is revealed in the middle of the night and there it was. Weeds are there to be noticed and removed just as are the people in this world who do not believe in Christ. They live among beautiful flowers and grass sharing the soil because they too need to have a chance to grow, but little do they know why they there or that they are actually planted on purpose or what that purpose is so they are often short lived.

The weeds in a sense provide discernment and discipline to the gardener to take careful care to the garden they are tending to. They provide diversity in that they provide a way to recognize right from wrong. However to those that don't know the danger, the weeds have their way to tempt us to sow their seed. Remember being a child and how hard it was to resist your mother's instruction to not blow those fluffy parachute feather dusters just to see them float in the air? In fact come to think of it you and I fell in love with that dandelion the first time we saw it when we were children because it was so appealing! But now we know better, right?

The parable of weeds is spoken in Matthew 13:38, "The field is the world, and the good seed stands for the sons of the kingdom. The weeds are the sons of the evil one, 39 and the enemy who sows them is the devil. The harvest is the end of the age, and the harvesters are angels." NIV

So how can we learn to love and exist with weeds in this field we live in? How can we bring them to the Word so that they too will believe? How then? We can be examples, we can pray, we can provide revelation, we can help shine the Lords' light and life by our continuing to witness the truth to them. Most of all we can persevere in living for Christ and following Him because the way we live probably impacts these weeds more than ever. I want someday someone to seek God for the same blessings for that which I have received and for that person to find Him in their life during these end times.

So the weeds in my lawn will continue to be more noticeable than I want them to be as they grow faster than the grass trying to the reach the sun and that is when I too see myself, someone who isn't always perfect, not always beautiful to the eye that beholds it, but alive and strong just the same given His light. I too am a weed, a sinner, but now I am living for a different purpose and knowing what that purpose is and every day is a new start and I am forgiven of my sins!

Because of my Savior I have been able to discern things right from wrong but am far from perfect. I will constantly be molded by Him to learn to harvest the soil around me. I know by hope, faith, trust, and perseverance I will become the good seed that is spoken about in Matthew. There are so many things that provide growth for even a small mustard seed; trust, faith, kindness, forgiveness, and love. This is all God wants from us and while I don't understand it, I don't need to. It is the truth and the way. Love is God and God is love and God sent his only son to the world, not to one religion or the other but to the world! Praise God! Just think, there is always a new season for a new harvest and you can never be too late to accept Him! Never! Never too late, not even for a theif on the cross!

So today I pray for the perseverance, strength, enlightenment, and love for God that I have to remain to continue to focus on my purpose and then I shall always know it! AMEN!

On Moving

2010-05-21T10:52:00.001-05:00

We have officially put our house up for sale. The time is right in that Charlie's job in Wisconsin is looking like he will get to remain working after his temporary assignment. I think a lot of things just happen as they should, in the order they should, and that is when I know it is God's will.

We were given an option of Charlie gaining a job out in Phoenix Arizona, however he and I both feel we are being tested. You see ever since Charlie's job was announced it would end a year and a half ago I was led by the spirit that we would be moving to wherever that was. I didn't think a lot about it as I mentioned in past posts other than a way to get out of some bad habits in life, but as time has passed and I have grown more in my walk with Christ I find that there is a different purpose He has for us.

Some people ask me if I really want to live there, and I know there is not a lot to do there or the weather is so extreme in the winter, but I do want to for reasons that people don't understand and I know we will succeed. I think of Phillipians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me." - We both have a really good feeling about the move especially after being led to go to a church out there. I get excited in anticipation of what the future holds for our little family. There is just so much more in this world than things to do and things to look at where you live, things that I cannot explain to someone that doesn't have a relationship with Christ. Doesn't mean our life will be perfect but as long as we have faith and trust in where He is taking us, it will work out fine.

I have to tell you about this God led church though. It isn't anything fantastic or hugely large, but it is an answer to a prayer and is God sent! You see I have been praying since Charlie left in April to find a church or some way for him to connect to being involed in church while he is out there so that if we do move out there this part will be in place. I don't think I could move and adjust to such changes without Christ in my life so it was important to me that we meet Him wherever we go and if Charlie got a head start on this part of it, I would know God's plan for us. Our church here too also prayed for this.

So one day I get a phone call from Charlie with ecstatic news, he was out in the company vehicle and got a flat tire. While he was waiting for the tire to be fixed he went across the street to Taco Bell to pass the time and he met up with a Pastor of a local church. We went to this church the next week and found it was only a 5 minute drive from his apartment. It was awesome and the sermon was geared to family and children. The people were very nice and very welcoming and since then Charlie has gone back. I can't wait until we go again and have Savannah go to the children's service.

So it is officially time to start this move, I trust in the Lord who is leading us and no matter where a person ends up living, life is full when He is present in your heart. My prayer is that our family will be closer in unity with Christ and as one and that we may grow in Christ there. And that by letting His will be done we will learn to always be obedient to the Holy Spirit.

What do you do?

2010-04-25T21:36:00.002-05:00

So what do you do when you leave church speechless...in utter emotional drama and tears yet feeling so full and joyful at the same time? So much with the spirit inside you but at the same time you don't even remember what the sermon was about?

That was my experience today. After the day passed, I do infact remember the sermon, however what I remember the most was how the spirit overcame our little congregation in our little sanctuary and we were filled. I felt His love for me then and there and yet I wept because of it. Others were weeping too. My heart was fuller at that moment than it has been in a long time.

Later today I recalled that during the sermon I was pondering upon my level of integrity. Where will I be when He comes again? In what state will my heart be? Will I be worried too much of the things of this world whilst caught in a dry state of spirituality as I have been the past 6 months? And if I am in a dry spell will I think to pray for Him to enter my heart and fill it with His light and life to quench my drying spirit?

I once was lost but now know where I am going when life here on earth is over and I am so thankful for this gift and to be loved by my maker. However I know that I can easily be caught up in things and inattentive to subtle changes in life...this I know all too well lately I hate to admit. But there is one thing that I always remind myself of and that one thing always prompts me to get into the word. That one things is love. He loves me. He loves us.

I don't understand it and yet I am not made to. How and why does he love me? I don't get it but it is beautiful. Have you ever wondered the mysterious way of how you have the capacity to believe in something you don't even understand? Yet when filled with the spirit is so easy to understand it completely. It is awesome! God's grace is what it is and what a blessing when it comes! I can't even explain it but if you have this personal relationship with your Savior you know what I am talking about.

I pray that I will obey the promptings of the Lord instead of putting off or discrediting the time I will spend reading in my Word. Due to the subtle changes in life I have allowed my sin to progress to becoming slothful and not feeding the spirit from Your word. I pray that I will make a daily effort to spend time with You. I admit that I have not kept my Savior in the forefront of my mind during this dry spell but know that if I persevere I will be in a green pasture! I just pray, for you know what is in my heart and where I am and I pray that I will receive you when you call me.

Day 2...

2010-04-07T09:32:00.001-05:00

Life feels so empty without a partner by your side. If you've never had to do this then you have no idea. However I am not alone completely. I am never alone. I have the Lord. I trust His will. I trust my husband, there is a bond there that I never had before with anyone else.

I find I am trying to figure out ways to quit and go running to him. I know we could make it work if we rent our house out or if he comes back now...but doing so would not be in our best interest. Time will pass and I will adjust and find patience. Last night was the first away and we didn't get the chance to really talk much as he was settling in. Our house seems emptier than ever now and I worry about the things he took care of around the house. I find I am no longer cynical about our marriage and about what he does or doesn't do. It is true what they say in that distance can make the heart grow more fond.

I have things to do on the weekends no doubt, but it is still not the same. I am once again reminded by my family that if we move to WI permanently I will have no family near me. This is true but my family will always be where I can always visit them if I need to or they are just a touch away through the computer. I don't worry about it as everyone else does. Is it that I have outgrown this "needy" phase and they just don't see it? I love my family, but they are no longer my complete life like they were when I was asingle mother ten years ago. I find that I seem to be cast into this stereotype of someone that cannot leave their hometown and family which challenges me to want to leave all the more.

While Charlie's gone I'm not sad, just empty and going through the motions of life is all. I am hoping I can get my flight booked soon and I know I will need a lot longer than a couple days.

Love is funny. It starts out all froo froo, but as you mature in your relationship you find you are more companions than anything. You go through life together and share together. I don't necessarily miss the physical closeness as much as the talking, the cooking, the laughing, the sharing...

Day 1...

2010-04-06T12:30:00.002-05:00

After dropping my husband off at the airport and then my daughter to my brother's for the day I set off for work where I found myself filling up at the gas station, crying and greiving that I miss my husband. There is an oddity that surrounds this place that I call home now. He's not even been gone a day. I didn't think it would come this soon - probably because we've been on each other's nerves for the past year and a half (other than when we were on vacation) so much so that I thought it would be a relief to be away from each other.

It just feels weird I tell myself. But then I realize it is more than that. It feels like I don't belong here anymore - that I belong where he is. What is this feeling about? The feeling comes when I drive past all the places that he was with me the week before like the grocery store, the bank, IHOP, the pharmacy. I dunno. It is just weird. It is like I know I need to be wherever he is and somehow through all of this I know it isn't here - at least not in the city we've been living in. I've been ready to move for a while now, I've outgrown this house and this area and especially the daily drive and I've come to realize this is going to be the start of some big changes.

You see this has been something we knew about a year and a half ago when Charlie's employer announced they were relocating and as such he'd be getting a nice severance package and/or offer to relocate. I at first liked the idea only as a way of getting out of what life was at the time, a way out of bad daily habits that I created, a way out of having to drive to work 30 minutes every morning, a way out of having to work full time...I say all this cause a year and a half ago I wasn't in good shape. I was in a rut of bad habits and didn't know how to get out. Since then I've come to know the Lord and with His grace the bad habits have been put out of my life. I am left today looking back and it didn't take going to Wisconsin to get back on track to being who I know I am. But after all is said and done I still feel this eagerness to move - I can't explain it....and the thing is moving doesn't entail moving out of state per say, but it sure feels like it...so I guess let's just wait and see.

With what Charlie is doing now by working in WI, we have financial freedom and new options. He will be able to receive a good bonus out of all this and knowing this I am preparing our life to change and that means moving out of this house - not necessarily to WI, but just somewhere different. I don't even know where. Whether we stay here or do move out there, we've come to realize we've changed and have different taste and desires/needs for a home than what we did when we moved out here - what we have now was good for us then, but we are ready for something different. Life has changed a lot, and it has personally changed me a lot.

As more and more time passes it is revealed to me that this has all been a part of God's will - because my relationship with Him didn't really start to bloom until when all this started I know it is His will...but I have no idea what for? How will He use us? And the even more sobering thought is that Charlie has this indication too, he has only mentioned it to me once though. That is the great thing about God's will, you are not meant to understand it, just trust it.

Earplugs....an armor of God?

2010-02-20T17:27:00.001-06:00

The other night as I lay waiting for sleep, it never fails. Just as I get cozy and my mind calms down and am drifting off, something wakes me up. Usually it's snoring either by my husband or Pugsley, our female pug. Sometimes it's the fish tank or the neighbor's dog - no matter what it may be, I have always been a light sleeper.

Come to think of it, every night I lay awake while thinking of things. I am always the last one to fall asleep. Is this because I'm a light sleeper or because I can only seem to filter my thoughts when life quiets down? My husband even tells me from time to time that I think too much and yes this is very true. My brain takes its sweet time processing but I also enjoy pondering things.

So as I grabbed my pair of earplugs and enjoyed the quietness they brought, I thought, "I wish I could do this to those evil thoughts that I hear so often." And it occurred to me that its not earplugs I need for this, it is to be in the Word and relish in the Word. If I am spending my time thinking about God and His Word then how can Satan fit in and try to manipulate my thinking with his hidden agendas?

I pray that I will continue to grow in the Word and hold fast to my faith regardless of this "arid season" I am going through in my walk with God. Yes, I pray that the Word will speak to me again soon and He will enlighten me with His presence ever so strong.

A fellow Christian recently advised me that this "dry spell" is normal, that there are mountaintops and valleys. I've just allowed myself to think all this time I must be living in sin to have His presence missing, but I know this isn't true and it is what the enemy would like for me to believe. I must remain faithful, for the reward in the end will be well worth it!

"Jesus Loves the Little Ones"

2010-02-14T17:39:00.013-06:00

As I was preparing for my Sunday school lesson for today with a Valentine's Day theme, I was reminded how much Jesus loves the little one's. It got me to thinking...

It is easy to love God's little children, for they have had not the time to become corrupted. They do not understand the separation from God as you and I do. They are still naive, pure, innocent, and naturally close to God. They just brighten your day.

The world has created every one of us to change from when we were little children. Things like the environment for which we live, lack of values or integrity taught, and the void left from worldly things that never fulfill our spirit. Even we as parents persuade our children to believe what we do and we don't even know how much rubs off on them until sometimes they are grown.

We were all little one's once and are reminded in the Bible that we ought to come to Jesus as if little children. Our hearts need be like theirs; honest, selfless, and sincere.

But to find love as naturally for those that do not have these qualities, now that is a something a little more for me to work on. I get insecure of their behavior, thoughts, or attitudes. I do not trust their motives. I tend to make bad choices when I interact with them and am left with the aftermath of frustration that I allowed them to influence me. The enemy knows this about me. He knows that I forget in only moments of what the Bible verse in Corinthians says about bad company corrupting good morals. But how can I love someone if I don't "like" them? Or better yet, how do I show someone I love them if being around them is too risky for my growing in Christianity? Am I alone in this feeling?

I think of the example of when Jesus just sat with the tax collector. He just sat and spent time with this man who knew he was a sinful man. How come I can't be like that? Why can't I simply spend time with people and just enjoy to be around them and not allow myself to be persuaded or influenced by them? Why does it seem like I am not allowing my light God has given me to influence them instead as Jesus did?

It then occurs to me as I write this that Jesus had the full armor of God.

I have been reading Proverbs these past few weeks and have learned a great deal of wisdom and taking heed about flattery, deceitfulness, and strife and what things can separate close friends. But so far I have not learned much about love. Should I skip to a different book? No, God instructs me to remain right where I am so as to discern my path first; something I never knew I could discern. My path has always just been to follow whatever came along, I never really understood what it meant by keeping it "straight" or that I had any say in doing so. Reading God's Word shows me the way to refrain from influential things in this world. I am still building my armor. I think ultimately learning to love they way Jesus did will be the end result once the armor is built and strong.

And all the while I try to comprehend His love for me, I still have not learned to love at all and He is okay with this. Like Proverbs says having the sincere desire and consistent seeking is what He wants from me. I pray for Him to continually teach me. It is unfathomable of the love He has for me let alone everyone of this world...deep down we are all like children, those little one's Jesus loves. I need to remember what it felt like when I was a child and come to Jesus in that way...I need to do this more often and learning to Love will come...as long as I continue to seek.

I read somewhere that it is easier to love than it is to hate, so why do I struggle with love? I find that I must first build my armor and follow His example of love. I can only do this by getting in the Word and I need to be patient with myself. Take note of the first three words in this verse:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud."
Corinthians 13:4

A little inspiration from today's Sermon...

2009-11-29T17:58:00.003-06:00

Hope was the theme for the 1st week of Advent at church today. This is one of my favorites. Without hope, I do not know that I could go on. Hope costs nothing. Hope wants nothing.

It is hard to believe it is already time to start the season for Christmas. I can't believe how the time has passed. With Christmas on its way it is a time for reminders. Reminders to me for renewed hope and along with it cheer, joy, peace, and love. I do not allow myself to worry about the worldly things of buying this or getting that gift. For that is not what Christmas is about at all, we all know it too. Sure I enjoy giving, but the best gift is the one I received. My Saviour.

This Christmas it is my hope to be consumed with the spirit.

"Feelings"

2009-11-21T19:18:00.001-06:00

I don't always "feel" spiritual or worthy or clean but something that I was taught as a Christian is that feelings are not important, that the truth is. I know my flesh creates many emotions and some of them are catered by Satan, so I move forward. It may be going through the motions for me during this time but I know if I am obedient that I will still succeed. That I will get to another mountaintop. I don't know when but I will. I had a wonderful experience this morning with my husband that I want to praise God for. For it is something that I have had on my heart and to have Him speak to him and for him to act upon his prompting, well it was special moment. I pray there will be more times like this. I pray that is all. I pray.

Thanksgiving

2009-11-15T21:53:00.001-06:00

I am thankful for all the wonderful gifts I have been given. That I am a child of God. That I have the Word to read when I am doubtful, the Spirit to guide me, and the gift of being forgiven of my sins. I pray that I will begin again to start following the promptings I receive and act on them instead of leave them to the wayside and drought in this valley.

I am excited and looking forward to the season of Christmas and am hopeful that the joy will arise in my home and family and be sustained for the new year to come.

"Rest"

2009-10-24T21:07:00.004-05:00

While pondering on my previous post and exposing my lack of spiritual presence, I happened to come across a good article online while seeking some inspiration. The article was about being "cluttered" and the Lord showing the author that a person can't eat at a table if it is cluttered. This article and a conversation with the Lord tonight revealed to me that I am just that. This is what is keeping me in the valley. I am living in my cluttered heart full of thoughts and ideas and events. The effort I do make in feeding my spirit cannot give me any response if my heart and head are already too full. The Lord told me tonight to "rest" and I knew exactly what he meant yet I looked it up in the dictionary anyway.

To be still and quiet in this world is great feat sometimes especially to a cluttered mind as mine so often gets. I pray tonight then after this conversation with my Lord and my insights gained therein that I will be still and quiet...trust and listen. That His words will be instilled in my heart throughout the rest of this evening. That quickly reading the Bible or other's inspirational blogs and daily devotionals are not always going to give me what I need to hear if I am not listening. But it is His word out of it all that impacted me the most tonight and it is His words that I long to continue to hear for the answers I am seeking and I will hear them but not a moment sooner than I am supposed to. This I know. And as He has reminded me as to why I go through these periods, well as you all know it is only to draw us nearer to Him. Yes. I shall rest now. No worry or doubt. Just be still and listen. Pray for me.

Seeking Myself Again

2009-10-24T20:27:00.003-05:00

I find I often don't write when I am in the valley. My inspiration doesn't come. But I also find that during these times I am lacking in feeding the spirit and have gotten comfortable in my old habits. While I realize that not all my experiences in walking with God will be mountaintops, I do well to remind myself of the times they are and it is funny how all at once I am blown away with the grace, love, and blessings I have been given. Because I re-witness these things it is encouraging to me...to remind me that I am not of this world...that I am from His.

I wonder if I've let too many distractions take my focus away from His work and my commitment I desire to keep. I pray this is only a stage...a learning period...for my heart has changed, that I do not doubt. If it hadn't then I would not be bothering to writing this as we speak.

I've been thinking about writing of my experiences prior to my knowledge of the truth and my salvation since as far back as I could remember. I would have to do it in several installments but soing so while walking in the valley it would be good to write about them at the times I am needing quenched. So I'll have to take some time to do so, along with getting into God's word, and start my next climb to a new mountaintop!

On Giving

2009-09-15T17:36:00.006-05:00

Each week it is my job to collect the offerings at our church and make the deposit to the bank. I don't think much of the checks or the bills that I find in there, I just simply collect them and praise the Lord for all that He gives to our tiny little church. Today however was different. There in the corner of the giving box under the checks it sat all alone. A single solitary cent. It wasn't a shiny new penny, it was a plain hard water stained penny.

This penny was probably dropped in the box by a child from our congregation after seeing his or her parents dropping their money in and wanting to duplicate the action. Or it could have been a child who thought it a thrill to see it fall in as if he or she would be getting a prize in return such as a gum ball or toy. Maybe it was put there while mimicking making a wish at a wishing well. I'll never know.

As I reached to get it I was reminded of all the times I found pennies on the ground and how I debate whether or not to take the effort to pick it up from the ground. I could have picked it up by the time I decided but hesitated all the while thinking, "Where will I put it? It's probably dirty." Of course anything I found larger than a penny I had no question.

I am embarrassed to say as I was placing that penny in the deposit envelope I seriously thought it got in there by accident, just like all those ones on the ground. I even asked myself, "Do I deposit this?" Then just as quickly as I asked, I answered, "Of course I do!" I then smiled and thought of the little hands that took the time to give it for God's purpose.

Many people, including myself, don't think a penny alone is worth much. I hate to say that for a very long time I have had this same picture of myself. I found I am wrong. I now know the truth. Individually I am and always will be of value because I am never alone - I am in Christ and am one of God's children made in His image. A penny's value is in the untold stories of where its been, how it got there, who loved it, who SAVED it, and the purpose it served. Just like people in our lives we come across, God places pennies and dimes and nickels in all sorts of spots that we don't expect them to be.

When I was a child, I rarely realized the true gift in giving until one day in the 4th grade, my friend and I had an argument. I am not sure how much time passed but I know it felt so discouraging day after day to go to school and no longer talk with her. So out of my heart I thought of her and as we were making our Valentine's Day crafts, I had decided I would offer mine to her as a gift. She instantly smiled and we were friends from then on. Ever since then I long to seek giving to people whether it be the perfect gift or the timing. It brings me great joy!

Giving is the true gift and it's those that give with a cheerful heart know this feeling I am talking about and they are the ones that receive the gift. The gift of God's love in return. The joy of it just makes you simply smile.

2 Corinthians 9:7 (NIV)

"Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver."

The answer.

2009-09-04T19:51:00.008-05:00

Seeking guidance this morning with prayer. His voice and word "repent" came to me.

I have made many mistakes in my life. Many too quick decisions.

I try to say things and they come out wrong. Am I illiterate or is it that I speak before I think? Like my writing I am impatient to proof read my thoughts and whilst in the emotion of something I feel it is right and must be heard or not heard at all.

I am wrong.

I am learning.

I have hurt family and never meant to. I did not use wise judgement and seek God's help with the situation and ask Him what I should do with it.

I reacted to something I thought was an act of vindictiveness to me about something but should have not. Something just recent. It brought back feelings of old that were stored away and that I thought were no longer there.

I try to justify that I need be heard but really I need to pray and let Him hear me.

I failed at that. Just so you know. I do acknowledge this.

I am truly sorry and I realize this is probably too little too late. But in the Lord I always have hope.

Those of you that know who you are, I know you are close to God. Please pray for me - I seek answers but do not know how to always ask for them.

I am growing.

Yet I know thy word and seldom remember it when I need it most. I pray for getting better at this.

I fear I let some bitterness spark a very bad decision. Not anger, but bitterness. Thinking I needed to express that I was aware of something and wondered if there was an answer to it, I was prompted to make a move. Seeking resolution was what I thought was the right answer. I should have prayed and asked God what would Jesus do with this situation first instead of blurbing my feelings and opinions on others.

I so need thy word inscripted into my heart...especially at these times.

"Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: you must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires."

~ James 1:19-10, NLT

"Don’t sin by letting anger gain control over you, think about it overnight and remain silent."

~ Psalm 4:4, NLT

Repentance.

That is my answer. Prayer is my answer.

Thank you Lord, for always answering my prayers. Please help me to trust...like the man with the opressed son who said to Jesus, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

"My Creation"

2009-08-02T18:57:00.004-05:00

It was a mid-summer day earlier this year as I was conversing with the Lord on my long evening commute. I say to him, "How? Better yet, why? Why do you love me in the first place?" I just didn't understand why or how I would mean anything to Him. "I am just only one person in this world," I thought. I guess you could say when I look at myself in a group of people, my family, my neighborhood, the world, I feel insignificant. That I am just one person and how can God possibly even notice me with so many others? To avoid this perception, it is my conclusion that I must always remain with the Lord in this walk as if He and I are the only ones in this world.

I'll still never understand it fully, but He answered me immediately with the words, "My Creation." Yes, it was His deep but gentle voice. It then donned on me that the love He has for us is very similar to the love I have for my own children. I am certainly His child, but it is still so hard to wrap my head around what Love is then? Where did it stem from? Why is it necessary? Oh I understand why it is necessary here on earth. What fathoms me is beyond this earth.

God created all, and yet if looked at in a large perspective - one out of many things can seem insignificant. One tree verses thousands, one flower out of a field of many. But when I choose to look at my surroundings and everything in it in the light of individuality, I see God's creation for each and every thing very significant. That He touched it all individually. That I am significant. When He spoke those words to me, "My Creation," I felt His creation upon me and His love with the touch of His hand upon my shoulder. No other love than that of your parents is more heart warming, is it?

Why I am a Christian

2009-07-29T22:09:00.008-05:00

I have been contemplating something for all my life. The truth.

The verse below describes what I feel.

Job 32:18 NLT
"For I am full of pent-up words,and the spirit within me urges me on."

The question that I am led to finally answer for myself:

1 Peter 3:15 NLT
"Instead, you must worship Christ as Lord of your life. And if someone asks about your Christian hope, always be ready to explain it."

Why do I believe what I do? Sure I've always felt good about things or known what the results would be if given a generic answer, but I have never really been able to truly answer why I believe what I believe. I've needed to know and unfortunately until I finally asked myself this question, I didn't.

This verse has really been etched in my mind. When asked, what will I say?

I have noticed others when asked as to why they believe what they believe I hear them replying with "We" statements rather than "I" statements. "We believe" this or "We practice" that. It almost sounds as if they have rehearsed the faith statements given by their religion or church and have used it for their answer of why they have hope. But where is the answer explaining the root of their belief on a personal level? Most importantly, where is mine?

After some thought I hope to find that maybe they weren't prepared for this answer either. That their thoughts and beliefs are not just stemmed from the church they are attending and that they truly do have an intimate relationship with Christ. This happens all the time though. People get in the "We" mode and don't think for ourselves, myself included. Had I been asked a year or more ago why I believe what I do, I hate to say that I wouldn't have been able to tell you.

While I don't have a lot of knowledge of religion, I do have the experience of having been in one and know now that I never felt it was "right" or "true" to practice there in. Not for me it wasn't. That plain. That simple.

You see, I was raised in the LDS church but not in a religious way, more in a "follow the leader" kind of way. This, I think, was due to family background and well face it, we lived in Utah. From my memory we did some of the practices such as family home evening or girls camp but I never recalled reading scripture or having discussions personally as a family. Maybe this is the root of my unbelief then? That I was uneducated? Educated or not, the naivety along with no desire or inquisition of the religion, I was not subject to grow in it. I don't think I was supposed to either. As early as I can remember I always knew and believed in God and eventually came to know the Spirit on my own through prayer. I've always had a personal relationship with Him and always intend to.

Some of my family is greatly discouraged today to know that I don't believe nor have I ever truly believed in the LDS teachings. The day I knew was the Sunday that I got up and testified to an LDS congregation confessing that I did believe. It was after my boys were baptized during their time in foster care. I was prompted to get up there as everyone else did after an event like this feeling obligated thinking they were expecting it from me. After saying the dogmatic, "I know this church is true" statement I then realized I was lying to myself and to everyone else. I didn't believe, nor had I ever. Since then I've never had the desire to seek any religion. Just God. And now that I have truly found God for a daily purpose, I have also found Christ. I have found Him like I've never found Him before.

Religions are good gateways and resources for receiving and practicing in the fruit of the Spirit, but it seems there are limitations on what can be done within them. Remember however this is only my perceptions from the experiences I have had. When folks in religion talk of the Gospel, I get the feeling they are referring to "their" Gospel, meaning their way of teaching, not Christ's. It is true that the principles Christ taught are included, but instead of using Christ and God's word solely, there are other books added to it.

Revelation 22:18 NLT
"And I solemnly declare to everyone who hears the words of prophecy written in this book: If anyone adds anything to what is written here, God will add to that person the plagues described in this book."

The reference to the LDS church in my eyes was maybe a bit unnecessary but I feel I need to explain a bit of my background and why it took me so long to get to the truth.

Back to my original thought. Christian. Why am I?

Why do I believe what I do? Why am I a Christian? Because I wouldn't dare put anyone else's name in place of Christ and for good reasons:

1. Christ is complete. Whole. There is no need for anyone else. His son to whom He gave to us on purpose for purpose. Praise Him and the Word He delivers to us through the messages. Doing this completes me. I have no need for anything else. If I did, why then would Christ's second coming be so important? No wonder why I never understood - I was reading the wrong book and focusing on the wrong people!

2. I have a personal relationship with God, Christ, & the Holy Spirit - the trinity. These are the three living beings that constantly reveal to me God's plan of love, compassion, mercy, grace, conviction, forgiveness, etc. that I cannot deny! The trinity is my living prophet! I find God's Word every time I open the Bible or simply in prayer or conversation with Him. Add to this the messages received and praise given to glorify Him at church adds even more to my spiritual battery! I am spoken to in so many ways you would not even believe! Grace and miracles are so abundant before my very eyes.

3. I am free. This is a big one. Free to choose, to serve, to obey, and to act upon the Spirit that is led within me. I don't have to wait for someone to call my name to serve. If I want to visit someone I'll visit them, if I want to volunteer to teach Sunday School, I will. If I feel like I have a gift to be the secretary, I will ask for the position. And I have! Being Christian and attending a non denominational church I don't have to have any process or pre-emptive way of serving purpose with and for God nor is there anyone to keep account of it or to decide if I am worthy or not to hold the position.

I am free to choose when to be baptized at a true accountable age for which I understand the commitment I am giving to my Lord, Jesus Christ. I know that being baptized is not a requirement nor is it a way of cleansing my sins. It is an act of commitment to Christ and acknowledging Him. In fact I am getting baptized soon!

I am free to worship. I am not conformed to services and teachings that are dogmatic in nature. In the past I had no idea even how to worship the Lord other than to be reverent. How can my spirit move then? I do not worship by routine practices and rules or procedures for doing things as if in a trance. I worship with joy and praise to Him and He receives it well.

I enjoy being able to show my love for the Lord and my praise however I am led. There is no reason to hold back my excitement. There are times of gentlness and solemn, but when other times arise and I am led, why hold my feelings of love back? Why not use all that God has given us to glorify Him? Do you think God is unhappy if one music instrument is played verses another? It is the condition of the heart of the person that is praising that matters most, not the type of music. The following verse reminds me that He wants me to serve differently, from the heart and without rules:

Isaiah 29:13 NIV
"The Lord says: "These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is made up only of rules taught by men."

I am free to be a daughter of God and a follower of Christ and that is good enough for Him. I do not need a third party to instruct me how I should live my life or to remind me of what I need to do. I am not subject to any authority of my worthiness. These things are between God and I. My faith is not for someone else to determine. It is my own. I know that if I persist with prayer God leads me and I will always continue seek Him.

I am free to praise and to worship in a body of church regardless of when I have sinned. We all sin, we are sinners. Hence there is Christ. Because of my sin I am not cast out of my congregation. My sin is between God and myself and in my sin is when I am taught the most. In my sin is when I need the body of Christ the most and the love of my fellow Christians.

Matthew 9:12 NASB
"But when Jesus heard this, He said, 'It is not those who are healthy who need a physician, but those who are sick.'"

4. I love Jesus and am amazed by His sacrifice for me.

5. The Bible is living and active. There is no supplement. The Bible is the ONLY Word from God. The Spirit tells me this. The Bible didn't always speak as a living Word to me, but since I have persevered, sought, and received Christ as my savior revealing the gift of my salvation to me, the Spirit has been strong within and the Bible living and active. The enemy enjoys distracting us away from the truth and unfortunately time was spent during a large part of my life focusing on the wrong book.

6. I am witness. I have had many revelations, prayers answered instantly and not so instantly but all answered the same. God is consistent. There is meaning and actual purpose for my fasting that I never even realized. I have learned this, and that it is not just a ritual everyone does on the first Sunday of the month.

I participate in Communion with the Lord the first Sunday each month. I receive so much emotion that I cannot explain. To know that Jesus died for me, is utterly heartbreaking but I know He did it for Love. I now converse with Him during this time with Him and thank Him like I never have before.

7. I need Christ. God loved me so much that he sent His only begotten son for me. I need a Savior. I am a sinner. Until I realized this, I could never really accept Jesus as my Savior. Interesting how the enemy kept me feeling comfortable in sin.

8. God tells me so. Believe me, I have asked of Him, "If I am to be in a setting for you Lord, show me where? If the way of religion I was raised in is true show me and I will obey." He showed me and I now know the truth. I have finally come to know Christ and His Gospel. I no longer am clouded with thoughts that I must be "worthy" or do works in order to serve or receive the Grace of God. I know there there is only one heaven and I am proud that I can remain in eternity with my heavenly father there. I volunteer where needed in my callings that I am prompted to do by the Spirit. I don't feel pressured to do things for others, my service comes from being led by the Spirit.

I am a Christian because I believe in Christ and His Gospel. I am proud to have "Christ's" name first and foremost in my thoughts. Religion doesn't work for me. Christ does. And like I said earlier, I wouldn't dare put anyone else's name in place of Christ's. Therefore I am Christian!

All in a Day's Work

2009-07-18T15:16:00.007-05:00

"So I decided there is nothing better than to enjoy food and drink and to find satisfaction in work. Then I realized that these pleasures are from the hand of God." ~Ecclesiastes 2:24 NLT

I came across this verse today. It reminded me of how pleased I am too have found this of many realizations of God's hand is in my life. Before I started walking with Him, I never noticed.

I have been guilty so many times dreading daily chores, but whenever they are completed, I stand back and with a breath of fresh air I gain a sensation of accomplishment and much peace. The difference now is that I really get much more than that. It feels good as if God is smiling upon me, that He is proud.

I remember as a child I once asked my mom, "How come we have to work?" You see my siblings and I were always in charge of the little details of the garden. Whether it was burying seeds, weeding, snapping beans or peas, or shucking the corn, we were always put to good use. As a kid, I'd rather had spent my time playing the in the foamy "Indian" soap where the water met at the end of the furrows in Dad's garden. Looking back, I now realize I was taught a good lesson that day when mom replied, "Because Jesus wants us to." Ever since then I've pondered about this statement and accepted there was something more to working. I just never really knew what that was until recently. Walking with God has really opened my eyes to a lot of things and this is just one of them. I am excited to see what the future holds!

No matter how small the chore is, it is still given as well as received by God as good. I love that through Him I am able to appreciate the outcome of a good hard day's work!

Prelude to a Monday Morning

2009-07-12T21:42:00.009-05:00

In a perfect world my laundry would be put away...my house would always be vacuumed and free of pet hair...my coffee pot would always be full...and I would have enough time in the day to meet everyone's needs as well as my own.

But it is not a perfect world. If it were, what would there be to appreciate?

Why do I complain about these things but am able to appreciate them when they are done? I work. But even if I didn't, I would still wish for the same things. I guess work just feels like a lot of distraction to me most of the time. So I remind myself that it has so many rewards - the opportunity to help people using the resources our agency offers, the future it will help my husband and I when we retire, the health benefits my family receives, the ability for me to personally grow and influence others around me, and to be able to find friends in coworkers who also know God and to share with them something so wonderful in common. Not to mention the job where I am working was and has been truly a blessing in my personal life, but that is another story. A story where God really intervened in my life. I will have to tell it sometime!

Working full time I often find I compare my life to that of stay at home mothers. I do this while at work assisting the public, reading others' blogs online, seeing my neighbors, spending time with my family, and while getting to know others at church. Well okay, it's not often I compare - it's a lot. I then let the enemy create guilt which then turns to envy and then all together judgement. I start judging them, judging myself, and before I know it I've let all kinds of negativity in. After much self pity I realize what is happening and think, "Isn't it easier to focus on what I do have?" I may not have a lot of time - well okay "as much time" as I'd like to do what I want to do - but I try to make the most of what I can. I just want to do even more! Things like making my home a home, spend more time with my daughter, really clean & organize my house, cook more, garden, offer more to my church's needs, and most of all to give myself more to God. I do all these things, but they are in small amounts divided amongst each other. My poor husband and daughter usually get my time when I am multi-tasking instead of when I am able to focus 100%.

It's not that having the laundry or the vacuuming done would deem my idea of a perfect world. What would be perfect would be to have the time to do it all. So I imagine while time here on earth "seems" long many days and short on others - like today where I want to do so much more but have run out of daylight and energy - I am reminded of what time really is. Eternity. Eternity spent with the Lord is the perfect world! This is my focus and it is a good focus. Being a stay at home mom or a working mom is not...I am a daughter of God and His servant no matter where I am or how much time is spent there.

So I pray today, to the One who is perfect, the one that is all. The great I Am. I pray that I will be able to make the most of my time for the rest of this day and for the rest of tomorrows for my family's sake for my sake but most of all for Your sake.

Thank you Lord for coming into my life today and to those around me that I love. It means so much to me to hear you speak to them. Thank you for reminding me that even if my house is disorganized at the moment, my spirit is not. I praise you for this. Amen.

Small Talk?

2009-07-07T11:12:00.010-05:00

Have you ever been out shopping and came across a messenger for Christ? Or even heard Christ's words through others when you least expected it?

I have. Both times the gentlemen looked similar - dark hair, dark eyes, leathery tan skin, and were both inconspicuous to others.

The first time I was at the Harmon's grocery store back in 1999, just before I encountered my mental break. I remember the gentleman who was bagging my groceries. He was an older man, black hair, dark eyes, and had glasses on that were had a crack in one of the lenses. Out of the blue he started telling me a story about how his daughter ran out of gas at Lagoon, a local amusement park. She called him at midnight, and when he got there to help her, her only comment was "cool." I don't recall him saying anything else. I was hearing a lot of things in my head at that time due to my mental illness, but this was different.

On my way home I thought, "Why was this guy telling me this story and why is it ingraining in my head? Why did it feel as if he were talking 'to' me?" And then it hit me, it wasn't him who was relaying a message to me but Christ. I knew in my heart He was responding to my prayers at that time for help to get me out of the situation I was in. What I heard was:

1. I was using drugs and partying for 2 years attempting to have fun to pass time and distract myself from my problems with self medication = amusement park.

2. I became spiritually empty = ran out of gas.

3. So I prayed = called my Father.

4. I wasn't sure about that last part other than it was something that I could relate to. Being that at that time my only relationship with God was for crisis interventions and nothing more. I didn't get the point of the last part where she told her father "cool" and assumed she learned her lesson.

I didn't get it until now.

10 years later I now know the true meaning of my relationship with Christ. While I can call on Him any time when in need, I also know what He has taught me to do to live well and that I need to make a commitment to it. I have learned to seek His Word to keep my spiritual tank full and to praise him at each and every blessing big or small.

The second time was last month of this year. I was at Walmart. I had an impression in my heart for a while to get Charlie a fishing license for Father's Day. As I approached the sporting goods desk I found the clerk with other Walmart workers gathered around him in a circle. He was talking to them about something although I am not sure what. They were all there as if in unison. As soon as he saw me the others left instantly. I have never seen so many associates at once in the sporting section let alone gathered in a circle like that, but intersting that it reminded me of how people would have gathered around Jesus as soon as I saw it.

The gentleman looked similar to the guy at Harmon's 10 years ago. Dark hair and eyes except his hair was "Salt & Peppered" and he did not have glasses.

I had asked him about a fishing license, that if my husband had to be present in order for me to purchase one. I had told him I was getting it as a Father's Day gift. As we were making the transaction the clerk told me how that was a great gift, that his children used to give him one for Father's Day. He said he loved fishing and that he learned to fish from his Father; that none of the other "kids" wanted to learn. He showed me the best fishing pole they had for a good price and then I quickly urged him to finish the transaction before Charlie caught up with us. He finished up and spoke to me saying, "If you have any questions, I am always here. If I am not here you can ask someone here to call me."

I recall all the words he said to me as if I were still there. In my heart I hear:

1. My father taught me = God the Father created Jesus who was a "fisher of men."

2. Kids = "goats" were not interested to learn.

3. To call him anytime or ask someone to call = prayer.

Again, the words that he spoke to me were not every day customer service or casual talk. There was something about the tone in his voice that reminded me of the bagger at Harmon's. And knowing that I was prompted to by the fishing license leads me to believe differently. After all Charlie hadn't expressed wanting to fish, we hadn't been in a long time. I am not even sure the license will be used, but this message I received will last a lifetime.

Sometimes small talk isn't small at all...if you're listening.

Personal Road Construction....Look for the Detour Signs

2009-07-02T19:20:00.017-05:00

Life is like a series of roads. You are driving along enjoying the view. Sometimes you get a flat tire, sometimes you hit road construction. Every day this summer I have had to take a detour away from the construction. Without the detour my drive would be frustrating and much longer. My goal is to get home, but constructively. Sounds a lot like life, doesn't it?

Yesterday morning on the way to work I was listening to the daily radio program called Running to Win. Pastor Lutzer stated in his message of how Satan makes sin attractive in order to break fellowship with God. Therefore we must remove whatever is keeping us from growing in Christ.

The hardest part for me about this has been identifying what influences in my life are keeping me from becoming close to God. It isn't so much that they are hard to identify than it is that I am often in denial about being influenced. Now that I am aware of what they are I am finding how much these influences are around me and my family and their abundance. I thought I was the one that had the power to ignore these influences but now without the gift of the spirit I know I am powerless.

The Pastor told of a lady who was living with her boyfriend. She decided to start walking in the truth and asked him to leave so that they would not be committing sin any longer. He would not leave. She eventually had to force him out with the authority of the police. Turned out that she and he didn't stay together and that it was for the better.

I have a good friend that I think my detours are affecting the most. My changing that is. Not because of anything she did, but because of a lot of stuff we did together. About 3 years worth that is. The stuff we were doing together was sinful in nature and I am trying to forgive myself for allowing it to go on so long. We weren't very good influences for each other and we both knew it. So many times I was given promptings to be the example but didn't have the strength to do it alone and gave into the enemy. After a few years I found God for help but am still not sure how to be an example without letting the past get in the way. I have become bitter about it and toward her, which is not right. I was the one that did not set boundaries so how can I blame anyone else for what happened?

I have had to ask for some space in order to reconcile these feelings and also hope that after some time passes we can start a new relationship and have forgotten the old. I believe God put her in my life for a reason and thoughts of her are on my mind constantly. I pray that we will remain friends and that I learn to be strong with God's will.

Satan doesn't care where he goes from one place to the next. I need to stay where I know is safe and where I am led by the Spirit. If I were to keep doing what I've done, I'll keep getting what I get. So I have chosen to take a detour and hope to meet my friend in a new spirit without negative feelings I have been harboring. I pray the Lord will cleanse me and fill me with love to as I am learning so that I may continue grow and be the person, mother, wife, and friend I desire to be.

Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord, and your lives will produce every kind of good fruit. All the while, you will grow as you learn to know God better and better.
~ Colossians 1:10, NLT

Rainbow

2009-06-18T18:22:00.005-05:00

After a long day of work, I listen to the Christian radio station KEYY and KLove to absorb what I can to feed my spirit. It's usually the only alone and awake time I get to myself these days, and so I try and make the most of my time.

The rain has been excessive these past few weeks but it has made the earth so vibrant and beautiful. While I hate driving home that long drive, I enjoy the view. God has created such a lovely place for us to live. The clouds that sit atop the flowing green hills, the sun that peeks through the bold clouds show their bright, strong rays as pointing out each landmark to me personally. And then there's the smell. Nothing compares, nothing but the rainbow amongst all this scenery.

The most awesome experience was over the weekend, when my daughter commented on the beautiful rainbow that was arched atop our neighborhood over the weekend. She said with all her innocence, "Does God live in the rainbow?" It was then that my husband was quick to answer her question with such a sweet tone in his voice that I don't hear very often, "It's God's promise to us to never let the earth flood again."

While Savannah looked confused at him as if to say, 'Isn't that just what I said?' my heart was instantly warmed and I felt God's arms wrap around our little family just then. We looked out the window a moment later and it was gone. I just smiled.

It's times like these that I cherish in my heart and I use to remind myself when I am not feeling so spiritually uplifted. Since God plants rainbows in the sky after a storm, why wouldn't he in our hearts?

Melancholy

2009-06-05T11:35:00.003-05:00

Feeling melancholy today after the storm hit and am now waiting for it to pass. We were robbed yesterday - our basement window broke into. And yet there is something more to be seen here. I got a comment on a previous blog about my being spiritually thirsty and feeling the Spirit has left me. Now I realize I have never been without the Holy Spirit as I "thought" I was and was probably tricked many times He was not near.

Being melancholy due to what happened gets me to thinking of the good things. I am grateful I have what I do and am not without as others are, I am grateful that the situation wasn't worse, that my family wasn't hurt. If I look for bad, I'll find it, so I choose to be grateful regardless of the turmoil of broken windows and money that needs replaced. I hate to admit I went to bed last night irritated with my husband and how he is reacting and he irritated by me, but when I woke up this morning the Spirit reminded me of love, so I put all irritability of the situation aside and gave my husband a soft gesture to show him how I feel and that it is not us we are irritated at. Now what remains in me is trying to consume that a person has an inkling of desire to do this to someone else, how could they? Is it that I don't understand it because I don't ever have the desire to steal? This is the pain that I feel. So I'm left to imagine comparing my pain to Jesus' as he carried sin on that cross of his. The amount of one sin of one person who burglarized our home and times that by, oh I don't know, a gazillion? Now how does a mind consume that? It doesn't, it accepts it and tells the heart you are loved. Now for this I am grateful.

Hurry up & Wait

2009-05-31T20:31:00.002-05:00

Today's sermon really has answered a lot of my recent questinos. Pastor pointed out that while we often pray, do we know why many prayers weren't answered? Did we pray with a full heart, did we not listen, did we not pray enough, did we not like the answer recieved? I often ask this of myself and know I am guilty of it all. While Christianity has in the past been perceived to me as acting in Jesus' example, I now know that the real key is the spiritual exercise we must endure in order to be so.

Romans 5:3-4 "3 We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. 4 And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation."

So while I continue to learn to have joy in trials - and feel I have had a lot of practice in my life, I ask myself, "How do I have joy outside of suffering? How do I keep the spirit inside me alive and well when I am not without?"

I've been longing to receive the help of the Holy Spirit for the last few weeks now and during this sermon was reminded once again of what I need to do and that I am not practicing my perseverance as well as I do when I am in trial. My answer is always the same. Read. Pray. Obey. And yet I still want to hurry up and wait for things to happen. But for what? For big promptings like they were during my last trial? For the intense conversations with God? And when I don't see or hear anything, I stop listening, stop praying, I am swayed by every other distraction there is and lose sight. And what else am I doing? Nothing.

Pastor challenged us today. To read from the Bible and to do this in a year. I have not ever read the complete Bible. I have started but never finished. Knowing that others are going to do it along side me, this shall be fun. I know the Bible is a living book and that when I read it I am shown so much - and so why do I choose to hurry up and wait for the spirit, when He is probably the one waiting for me.

This is why I love going to church. I love the energy that is charged within me when I leave. The challenge. The spirit. While it can't be my only feeding ground for my Christianity, it plays a big part on how my week goes. It allows me to get insight and feedback from others who are also practicing Christians and it is an awesome experience to grow and have family there. But most of all it reminds me of what I need to do other than on Sunday. To be a true Christian, not a Sunday Christian or Easter/Christmas Christian, but an every day one. That is my goal.

Thank you Lord for the trials in my life that have taught me perseverance. Thank you for the promptings I have received from you this past week to make the right choices and by your grace allowing me to me to "hurry up" and respond to your promptings rather than wait a moment longer and let the enemy take over. Thank you for you Lord, for your son, without you I am weak flesh. I pray that you will help me to read your word this week. Please forgive me of my sins and cpontinue show me how to walk in your light. For I know you will send the Holy Spirit to me when I am ready, whether it be for guidance or direction to a trial or to everyday love of my neighbor. I know there is purpose for waiting, and I still persevere, but it is through you that I do - through your son, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Thirsty and in the Desert

2009-05-23T11:51:00.009-05:00

Have you ever been so connected with the Holy Spirit for a long period of time and enter a dry spell ~~when it is time for it to leave~~ you are wondering if you did something wrong? I do, but I know this feeling is also a trick and I do not need to doubt the Lord as He has forgiven me my trespasses before I've even made them.

Yes, I am in a spiritual desert right now. I am thirsty, yet I know what I need to do to quench myself. But do I obey? No. I realize I am human and that it is up to me to feed my spirit and He will return when needed. But I go on day by day, making little time for prayer and for reading my scriptures. Then comes the conviction. That is the beauty of the Lord, even conviction is a gift. Without it I wouldn't be seeking these questions or trying to sort through my feelings. And so I realize at this moment that the Holy Spirit need not be around for me to be full, but that I fill myself with the Spirit through prayer. I usually have specific prayers, but not as of lately. I guess what I'm really seeking is guidance. But for what?

Where I don't know what I'm seeking - but I know the desert is wide and long spread, I wonder when and what will come next? Where do I read in the Bible? What do I pray? Everything is going really great right now in my life, I can't ask for better. Is this why I am suspicious something is going to happen? Lately when I do pray I have prayed for others. I praise for the current blessings in my life. But I still don't sense the presence of the Lord. And I need to be content with this and remember He will come when needed.

And as I am writing these words at this very moment, that still small voice instructs me to read anywhere...that there are no specifics...that I just need to trust. I hear this familiar voice and I want more. That is my being human. That is my mistrust and greediness. I want more, but I need be patient.

We are taught to have joy in tribulations in that it teaches us perseverance for growth. Do I want a tribulation? No, of course not. But when it does, I know the Holy Spirit will be there to lift me up in strengths I cannot explain. It is then that I will get to hear His voice. It will be overwhelming to me. When I think of times past and all that he has answered for me thus far, I remember to trust. I remember to be patient.

So I pray that just for today that you, Lord, are pleased with me and my efforts, that you will show me my next step in this walk. I am waiting for you Lord. Waiting. In the meantime please remind me of the time I need to pause to spend with you either reading, noticing all the beauty you've given around me, singing praise & worship to you, praying, writing, or offering a simple smile to a stranger. And Lord, I thank you for being so forgiving of any doubt that may cross my way, for I try earnestly to not listen to it and to always come back to you and the truth. I pray that you will prompt me to be a positive person, one that has no bad to say or judge of others. I am human and I need you Lord, without you I am nothing. Amen.

Love is the answer

2009-05-22T12:30:00.010-05:00

I read in Corinthians (Cor 12:4-30) last night about how the body needs all parts to do it's job, that even though all parts are different and do not agree with the other that they are still needed for the one body. Just because a hand is not a foot doesn't mean the foot does not need the hand. This made me think then on how we are all parts of the body of community, the gospel of Jesus Christ, our family, our work, etc. Why then does it seem we don't act like a body? I guess this gets to me more than ever as of lately in that family and friends in my life have chosen to silently not exist in mine and others lives because of various reasons, reasons that I am not even sure of and will not understand. Reasons that make no reason if that makes any sense. Some are because of religious differences and some are not. I don't understand it.

Living where I do I often get the feeling that there is trouble when in conflict with religion. It's too bad that "religion" preference is more focused on than Jesus Christ. When we first moved to this neighborhood I was visited by a member of the local church that is a majority in my area. I was expecting this as every time I have moved in the past, the same attempt has always been made. This time, knowing what I experienced from the last move, I asked her politely that while her visiting me was heartfelt I asked not to have my name on the list for visitation.

Because of this she didn't really acknowledge me again. This was not surprising to me though. I am not sure why when I make this type of decision and let it be known that I am not interested in practicing a religion they take it personally. Maybe it's that they don't know how to react. Is it that because of the area I live it is expected and that if I am opposing a cardboard cutout and respond differently than what everyone else does, they feel offended? Maybe I surprised her? I don't know. Isn't Christianity about loving one another as a person, not as a religion?

Religion separates people. That plain that simple. Jesus condemned religion and this is a good reason why. Religion in my opinion causes separation of the "body" of Christ, that if you are not a member of one's church then you have no value. Not all people of religion aren't this way but as a general whole, where I come from, people like me are not oblivious to the separation. And when it comes to religion and utilizing the resources they have to help someone in need, some are very wealthy and able to do this. I do acknowledge this, however when with the help there also comes an expecation of that person. That is the difference between religions and being a true Christian. This is not truly giving.

Now that I mentioned true giving, which leads me to a little thought on what I have learned by Jesus as true giving. I was always taught growing up that if I gave tithing or services, I would get returned a reward two-fold. So I interpreted that to mean if I give I will get, never that my good deeds would be noticed for what they were worth. Maybe this just wasn't explained well to me or I didn't ask enough questions. It hasn't been until now that I realize if I give wholeheartedly for the sake of giving and that is it. That is my reward. And I love that reward! I love to give just to give, I always have. While it is true that my deeds will not go unnoticed if from the heart, the difference is that if they not done as a "practice" or a "gesture" such as going through the motion of it, there is no value in it. But practicing does make perfect too, which can be a wholehearted motion giving by your own desire and not by the encouragement of any one person other than Jesus.

So reading on in Corinthians 13:1-13 it then states about if we do not have love, than what good are we? If we do all the things we are to do in this world with good deeds and going through the motions, none of it counts if you do not love. Our pastor asked us last Sunday to read aloud and put our name in front of the verses Cor 13:4-7 and just to listen to what we are saying. Am I living this? Dping this really hits home and shows you who you really are.

I do know that religion does serve some purpose. It is thought of as a "body" as I was talking about earlier, but the world is not just one religion so to me religion is only a part of a very big body. The body of this world. It's purpose is there and we do need it, but we have to be careful with it just like anything. It originally brings us to the teachings of Lord, it makes us think and challenge ourselves. Without it we may have never ever known about Jesus, but that doesn't mean we have to live in it and it's politics our whole life. Worshipping Jesus without religion is so free and spiritual. I love that I can share with anyone Jesus and let them know His love for them. Without having to explain anything else. It's that easy.

So I ask you Lord, please help and teach me to learn to love. I cling to every word Jesus has taught in the Bible and yearn to feel that love for all. I hope that as I learn and can do better, the people that do not show love in my life would see the love that I do show and somehow be reminded of the root of life. Also lord, help me to understand the people of religion more, that I don't place judgement on them but that I see them and not their religion, that I see your spriit within them and not the words of others giving them their instruction. I pray these things in your name, Amen.

Music....the Food for My Thoughts

2009-05-04T20:22:00.004-05:00

Music really lightens the heart, spirit, and mind's emotion. It sets the mood for the minute, hour, and day. I have added some of the most recent music that I've heard on the radio to my site here. I find it is as strong as reading the word and praying to God and it is a great way to spend time commuting to and from everyday life. It really recharges my batteries.

While I have so many questions about the Gospel and Jesus Christ as I am still learning, I also am limited on the time I can spend to make entries about them. I haven't been able to as much as I have liked lately, but there is always something stirring inside.

Last week's sermon mentioned that every time we read the word, pray, or praise God, we are being changed. Whether we feel it or not. The energy that comes from the time spent with Him eventually comes out in some form. Hearing this I realized that I wondered why I didn't always "feel" changed after reading, praying, or singing praise. I guess because there were so many times where I did, I just expected the same result. It now makes perfect sense. What I learned a few days ago will be fruitful for me a few days after. He puts us in a desert for a reason. I may never understand this and while I am not supposed to, I do accept it.

This is why I love blogging. I love that I can jot down only one thought and ponder on it when I have time and can publish it when I feel ready. This morning I didn't feel any spirit inside of me. I felt dead in fact. But because I remembered just now that I have been wanting to post my play list in my blog is where this all changed for me today. I played one song while I was obtaining the code and bam, I was inspired to write something!

My husband is a musician. He is very artistic in the capability of producing music and lyrics out of nowhere. But like me he must have the desire and the right mood, time, and energy. A lot of times things come when you are nowhere near a note pad or keyboard he says. He stores it up in his head. He is also like this when it comes to cooking. That man of mine can conjure up the most amazing things. I'll joke with him and tell him how "un-artistic" I am. Sure I used to be able to draw back in Jr High, but that's not even been an attempt since. I then realized that I do have an artistic ability. I like to write. I like to form my thoughts and get it out on paper, er computer. I like it because it feels organized. It is as if someone is listening to me, and it is challenging to provoke people's thoughts. It's almost as if I am writing music. :)

Living to Glorify God

2009-04-26T18:00:00.008-05:00

While I recognize my salvation as a gift from the Lord, Jesus Christ, I also know the different ways I must live not only to "help" me to keep on the straight and narrow but to glorify God.

I was sitting in today's sermon and again was overwhelmed with God's love for me. Something I will never understand. Today I learned that the gift of salvation doesn't stop there. That God loves to hear my praise and that in order to receive true joy and a long lasting and rewarding relationship with Him I am to continually give "best effort" to grow in my relationship with Christ to becoming Christian and live in moral excellence becoming "productive and useful."

2 Peter 1:1-15 was the passage we studied today. The Pastor made a good point that hit me personally - that the qualities mentioned by Paul are going to take work. That to glorify God in this life through his son, Jesus Christ, we must possess and build up in ourselves certain traits to become Godliness in order to receive "everything" we need for "life". Because of this process, I believe it is why we are here on earth. Not to be tested, but to grow. Satan "tests" us since we as Christians are the ones that are tempted and will make many mistakes, but we are here to grow and God put us here to do so - to become His children. It is true we must accept our salvation in order to enter in the kingdom of God, but to glorify Him, well that is even better.

As I read the scripture I found it intersting that what I have been working on in these past 6 months were all contained in this scripture even before I read it. In other words I knew of the different qualities by seeing them in others that inspire me. I knew they were all good and knew they were all parts of Christianity. However now that I have read them it is as if I have been instructed by the Lord himself with the direct word. That is the awesome part about having a relationship with Him. The lessons I need in life are always tailored to my needs every time right when I need them...as long as I am asking and listening that is. When I don't ask or listen, I don't hear nor receive.

So I will continue to press forward in my faith in order to know God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit better than I do today. I have wondered if it could get any better at times when I was in awe with His grace, but little do I know.

Life and other ponderings...

2009-04-04T19:30:00.011-05:00

Did you know there are about 36 different meanings of the word life? According to Dictionary.com that is. What does life mean to you?

For me it is to exist while working at one goal with many series of distractions. Some people call it a test. I agree, however it is more than one test. It is many. Distractions is how I refer to them. Distractions from remembering our creator and of why we are here. I get distracted with the worldly events, people, and their opinions. Friends I know try to enlighten me when I am down. They say there is light at the end of the tunnel and at first I think "Aren't they just in different part of the tunnel than I am?"

Life has a lot of pain. A lot of heartache. Interesting how the physical pain is easily forgotten such as that of giving childbirth or a broken leg as a kid. But the aching in your heart is not. I am not referring to bad heartache, but good. Sure you remember the pain you've experienced in life, but it's memory is just simply remembered, not refelt. What remains inside of your heart is the actual feeling you had when you first saw your child you just gave birth to, or the amount of people that wanted to sign your cast. Love is everlasting - it is what remains. I've often wondered how that strong ache from love in a person's heart gets there. I am sure there has been scientifict tests completed to determine that it is emotional chemicals derived from our human brain, but for me it has been at times so deep and strong that not even my human body can consume it and I know it comes from something more.

This makes me wonder then what we will think or feel rather when we are done here? For now we have a veil covering our memory of existence prior to our life here on God's earth. I am sure we will be able to recall all that we accomplished here and remember it - if we didn't what would the worth of living be? But will the feeling of the memories be the same as how our life experiences we remember make us feel now?

Life is very complex...I thought it was easier to live when I was not following God. I had no one to check up on me and so I felt no conviction or worry, there was no work involved. You'd think following Christianity is easy, but it's not. For every wrong thought I have, I am convicted. For every negative opinion about someone whether it be the way the look or act, I am guilty. I am always finding myself doing, thinking, or saying something incorrectly but what's most important is that I ask for forgiveness as soon as I recognize it.

What then comes to my mind next is the question of why are humans programmed to be so quick to judge? This has been bothering me a lot lately. Why do negative and rude thoughts come into my mind before I even have time to think...I am shameful for this. I don't even know that person. So then I think to myself, God loves that person...and then I want to know why. I feel apt to try and get to know someone even if it is only for that short time in the checkout stand. I don't always do it, no, but I do think of it and believe I am on the right track for not leaving my judgement of that person unaccounted for before God. I will not let Satan's work of trickery in my thoughts be unnoticed! I must read God's word to sheild myself as well as pray for His help in forgiving me...this will eventually keep Satan out for good.

Life is often thought of as only the present time for which we are alive "physically" here on this earth. It is so much more and that friend who told me to look to the light at the end of the tunnel was right! At first I admit when I heard her say this to me I wanted to reply with a sarcastic, "Who's tunnel are you looking in?" But then I remembered she was referring to God's tunnel. And because of God's tunnel she felt it in her heart, whether she was having a better day than I was, to remind me that God's will always prevail.

So you see life is serioues of distractions. Big time distractions. People, things, and experiences are not what can make you happy. Living for God's will does. I need to be reminded of this again and again. Living for me and my needs and desires led only to sinning and while this way of life felt easier than following God's footsteps on the straight and narrow, it has no meaning or purpose. It takes a lot more effort and thought and He leads me all the way down this tunnel - light in hand!

I pray today that I will be more obedient - that I would not just be satisfied to remind myself that I am working toward Christianity but will actually put more effort into actually living it. Please help me Lord to seek your word on a regular basis and to ask for your spirit to guide me. Please continue to remind me that even though in the times you've instructed me to be quiet and wait for your grace, that I must trust you even when I don't hear you and always remember to praise you and move your work toward others. Please bless me that I will not become distracted and stale in my journey with you this week as I have been in the past few weeks. I may have many distractions right now, but you are my main focus and always will be. Please remind me that these distractions are the enemy trying to weaken my love for you. Please remind me that I have been given a gift of the Savior to redeem me no matter the amount of work and good deeds that I do here. Remind me that this gift if I use and accept it will give me your reward of eternity and that the work and deeds I do do from my heart will be a way for me to praise you as it pleases you for me to live by Jesus' example and share your love to others. Please continue to remind me of this dearest gift and the example for which he has taught us. I long to know Jesus more and know that I am in need to seek your word, please help me to find the quiet time to do this and to remember to pray beforehand. I long to see the second coming if in my lifetime, but if not I pray you will help me be patient and await your son, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Save & Protect

2009-03-20T00:21:00.005-05:00

I read a devotion today that talked about saving and protecting one's marriage. That it is important to hold your tongue and not to vent too much about the little things. That all little things add up and are a slow fade to destroying a beautiful thing. But what about the big things? Why is it that there is no time to confront, pray, or to seek counsel from God in that split second before things go terribly wrong forever?

I am not referring just to marriage but also to parenting. My youngest son who will be 18 soon is no longer living with us due to a dispute that I am not so sure is such a big deal when looking at the big picture. But then again I am mom and nothing is a big deal to me. I just want my children near my side always and know they are safe. But the worst part of all this is it feels like "round 2." A couple years ago my oldest son ran away just before he turned 18 and has made some crazy decisions and is now paying the price for them. They both deserve futures but who's responsible for helping these boys get to where they need to be when they are at this age?

It seems to make sense that because kids at this age society views them as "legal" or "emancipated" then they are assumed to be 100% responsible to do the things they need, but at 18 boys are still boys, they are not even close to being men. Who decided this is an age where a turning point should begin? Where has their biological sperm donor that they still call "dad" been their whole life? And how does my husband, the "outsider" or "new" man become married to their mother and is expected to be a stepfather overnight without knowing or having the experience of even being a father? How can he come in during these boys' last 4th and 6th years and make up for all that lost time? He does it out of love for me. He knew I was a package deal. Yet he is willing to do this even thought he admits he doesn't really know all the fatherly instincts due to growing up without one himself. In fact my husband became a grown up at age 16 when he ran away from home to stop being abused. Living in the streets he learned to grow up and sometimes with this I think he forgets or is not even sure really what it's like to be a growing boy. He just survived. He doesn't know "family" like you and I do.

Now my marriage is seeming to be tested today by all of this chaos that has recently taken place and it doesn't help that my husband has fallen into a depression. He's never done so before, so things are turmoil in emotion back and forth it seems at our house. So now what? What do I do? I married my husband for better and for worse. I did so in the name of God and meant it. Over time and especially last year I have let my relationship dwindle away from my husband and my boys and spent it partying with friends. Now I am feeling the effect of it all. Why did I start drinking again in the first place? I know I made several excuses and the first one being that my dad died. But that is a tangent I won't get into...

I often do question my mothering skills and do blame myself for my boys' downfalls. I also blame myself a lot for things that went wrong in my first marriage. I do this for a good reason. I know people say you did the best with what you knew, but that's just it. I didn't know enough and didn't have the desire to do more. But why not? I know I could have sought after God, but I didn't realize the importance of it to my children to do so. I was selfish. So yes, I am at blame. I thought God's purpose was only there for me. For bailing me out of my crises. I could have sought Him to guide me on my children but didn't. I didn't even take the time to think of my children. That is why I take blame. I am at blame. I was too young to have kids. I seemed to have been too relaxed and having fun that I didn't hear God. I could have placed great influence in those boys when I should have. Will I do better with my daughter now? Is this God's way of giving me a second chance at mothering? I don't know, but I do know that God is on my side as long as I keep him here.

The question still remains though, "How does one protect and save their marriage? The relationship with their kids?" The answer? Seek God. I need help in this. Obviously or my family wouldn't be in such distraught at this moment. There is a reference in the Bible that impresses me that if I seek God and follow with my heart and my might that all else will follow, including my household. I don't recall the reference but when I read it really stuck with me and was a great comfort. As I have prayed in these last two weeks of trial, I am given God's same guidance - to be patient yet again with my husband. He has also instructed me to continue to "follow" for which I have taken this seriously and shall obey. He never changes. I am grateful for this. You know I didn't even realize that women were created by God to be man's helpers until a week ago? This has really brought light to a lot of worldly ideas that I had no idea I was sucked into. I have a lot more reading to do it seems.

The devotion left me with a good message today which I think answers my question on how to protect and save what is precious to you. The author said something about if Satan knocks on your door would you ask God to answer it for you? I am learning that marriage is a sacred thing and I now know this when I read the word and God's perspective of such. My boys will be okay, it just seems to the human eye that I have abandoned them as a mother, but truly in my heart I have not and God knows this. He hears my prayers. They have much friends and family who are willing to help them when they need and so that I am grateful for. As for my husband, well he is just getting to know what "family" is and one day he will feel it too. This is my hope and I choose to save and protect the family that is left in my home by continuing to follow God. Please pray that I will endure.

Old Convictions

2009-03-18T01:23:00.002-05:00

I have heard that you are to immediately ask for forgiveness when you commit a sin. Well what if you didn't and you now have so many from the past that you still need to ask for forgiveness for? Just to share some back ground with you there are so many sins from my past. I am grateful to even be alive today to be able to ask for forgiveness from them. And just now as I type this I am comforted to know that Jesus loves me for asking forgiveness from Him.

My sins all started when I was 14. I began toying with the idea of drinking and getting attention by talking about it...it eased my shyness and helped me relax around the boy I thought was so cute. I actually persuaded and influenced the use of alcohol in the relationship and thought it was okay - if my dad enjoyed drinking then how could he disagree if I did it? This is the thought I had in my mind at the time. I used it as an excuse. I didn't even realize my dad had an illness called alcoholism. I was very naive but didn't ask questions either.

Then of course I became pregnant at 16 and was not married. At the time I thought it was okay as long as I "felt" those cozy emotions that love brings on. Of course I got married and did well the first year after baby Michael was born and was so in love with him that I didn't think of anything else. I didn't really commit much sin until a couple of years after that.

My husband wouldn't come home from work on an almost daily basis. Come to find out he was stopping at a friend's house on the way home and claim that he was waiting for his friend to come home work. Why then would one day when I knocked on the door of his friend's house would his friend's wife open the door in nothing but her bathrobe? And the first thing out of her mouth was that they were just talking about me? I was pregnant during that time with Jacob. I remember crying one night we were partying at their house and I wasn't drinking cause I was pregnant, but I remember him and her sneaking around the whole night and then asking me "what was wrong?" I remember not being able to wait until I was no longer pregnant so I could drink too and "feel" like I was back to normal. I was all but normal!

When Jacob was born he got really sick and what did I do Lord? I was easily influenced by my husband to leave town and get away from it all. I was not by the side of my baby boy. What Lord was wrong with me? Please Lord forgive me for this, I am so heartbroken because of it. And I praise you for taking him into your arms and saving his little life. I think I knew you would in the back of my heart but was still so distracted with the influence I had from my husband.

Lots of partying went on in order for me to "feel" comfortable being around all the people my husband at that time wanted to be around so I got pretty used to myself this way and liked who I was. I felt like I was fun to be around and outgoing. I never felt convicted of this however. Until now. Needless to say with drinking and partying comes about infidelity and indecent behavior and language. I was no angel and neither was he. I would flirt and try to get attention that I didn't really want and thought it was fun. For my husband he didn't ever have to drum up the courage with alcohol to do this like I did, he simply committed adultery. I never had proof, but know he did - didn't believe it until after we were apart. I was blind and naive.

I was so blind and naive that I actually thought I was happy in this marriage. I didn't understand why my husband left me at all. That is when I really sought you God, but my prayer was something I thought would be answered immediately. Little did I know your work. Please forgive me.

Then came the hard core drugs. This is the end of from the time I was married to about a 7 year period you could say. I was using meth and marijuana on an almost daily basis...as well as alcohol. I would spend meaningless time with strange people just to not feel alone. I did a lot of stupid things like driving under the influence with my children in the car. I even stole a necklace once thinking that if others got away with it so could I. Please God forgive me. I am so grateful that I didn't hurt those boys physically but emotionally I did. I am so distraught at my conviction. Please have mercy on me.

All the while my boys were staying nights at grandma's or at friends or even with me and at some of the most worst states of minds I could have. They would play with the other kids that were around at the time but never had good influential friendships with any of them since these kids were also facing the same dilemma. I neglected my children Lord and at the most influential time in their life too. I admit it fully. Please forgive me and take this shame away. Please help me to be a better mother.

I am so ashamed at myself. I am so ashamed. Please Lord forgive me for being so thoughtless and reckless with the life you have given me and the life I've given to my boys. I thank you for your salvation and for saving me...I have so many more past sins that I ask for forgiveness of and you know of them so I won't post here, but Lord I am honored by your grace and your blessings that you continue to give me regardless of my track record. Thank you dear God for sending your son, Jesus Christ, to bear the sins of the world. Mine alone are a burden I can't even bear, so I am so grateful. Amen.

Change in Season

2009-03-08T20:09:00.011-05:00

There is only two things that I know to remain constant in this world - change and God. God's love & God's Word always remains constant and "unchanged" while everything in this world changes and it is during His season and with His time. Being that I am a mere child of God who is impaired with flesh and emotion allowing for impatience and fear of the unknown, change is frustrating and I grow tiresome of it. Don't get me wrong, I am open to change, otherwise life would be dull and predicting. I guess I am just not open to it when there is too much all at once.

My family is in upheaval at this time. We are all struggling with unhappiness and uneasiness at this moment due to complicated stress caused by changes. Employment status, age, expectations, and habits all happening at the same time have cause different changes and are now impacting us in this season and it is hitting hard. Sometimes it is hard for me not to be envious of others at this time. I always seem to think they have a wonderful life and are lucky to not be going through what I am, but this thinking is wrong. I realize the biggest obstacle of change is disappointment that is caused by this type of negative thinking which is and always has been the root to creating despair in my life. I am fighting the fight however, and must strive to be positive. I will need God's help. Change is constant just like Him.

Life is like this. But it brings us closer to God and his Word. Our heartaches encourage us to ask for His love, to comfort and to guide us. We as Christians expect God to respond as we know His love - unchanging and always there. I will be glad when the day comes that I am finally with Him so that I remain in His light that will be ever comforting and I will be without change. I find it interesting that it is now that I am just realizing that this eternal life with God is the "happily ever after" that those childhood fairy tales referred to.

This gets me thinking about just how many seasons do we have in our lives? Once blessed after defeating a long trial, I find I feel I will be good to go and be able to handle the next thing that comes about better than the one before. And then I am surprised at how each time I am given a new and different trial that takes me off guard and it is up to me to grow from it rather than to be negative. If I do this upfront and am proactive, the trial will not be as long lasting I hope. I realize positive thinking is very powerful but it is harder to practice than it is to preach.

I pray that I can remember there will be light at the end of the tunnel when I am in despair during a particularly tough season such as the one I and my family are going through now. I pray that I will obey God and His Word He sends me through The Spirit during the trials I and my family are enduring at this time. I pray that when the season is in my favor that I will always remember to thank and praise God just as often as I pray for comfort during the hard seasons in life. I pray that my family will seek and receive you Lord, just as I plan to. I just pray.

God's Instruments of Love

2009-02-24T13:41:00.010-06:00

God's overwhelming love for us comes in so many forms; in answers to many prayers, the blessings we have and continue to be given, and in our beloved relationships with others. God sends this love through The Spirit and our counselor, Jesus Christ by way of many instruments. It is up to us to respond to it and when we do, we are left in awe and will never forget the comfort we are given with this true and unconditional love He has for us.

For me it was about 11 years ago when I really come to know the love God has for me. Sure I've always known it was there but I didn't comprehend His love until it was given to me by a complete stranger. It was as if Christ had knocked on my door himself. I am still overwhelmed with emotion as I recall the experience.

It was the morning of my youngest son's 7th birthday. I was still deeply depressed from all the turmoil from my ex-husband leaving me to moving back with him thinking we were working on things all the while living in a drug-addicted lifestyle. (That's another story.) I still remember that morning asking Todd if he would take the kids to school that day cause I just didn't feel up to it and wanted to remain in bed. He grumbled and gave me a hard time as if I had asked him to do a miracle or something and tried to make me feel guilty. I gave the boys my kisses and told Jacob "Happy Birthday" as they went out the door to school. After they left I remember enjoying the silence - not from the kids being away but because Todd was no longer there nor the reminder of the drug induced life he had brought into our house. If even for only a quick run to the school that he was gone, it was a relief that made me feel as if there were no problems around me.

About an hour had passed and I noticed Todd pulling in the driveway finally coming home. He had a couple of people with him, there was always someone new around him it seemed. I remember thinking to myself how old this was getting - his drug business and the lifestyle that tried to exist around me that is. And then no sooner than he got out of the car a couple cop cars pulled up. I remember it was like slow motion standing on the porch as I watched him getting arrested. I was not surprised by the matter after all the illegal activities he'd been involved in and I was very grateful the boys were at school by this time and not subjected to the event. I am sure Todd thinks to this day that I set him up by having him take the boys to school. It was always the way he thought - thinking that someone was out to do things in spite of him. He thought this way because this is how he was with others. But I have never been that way and little did he know me once the drugs took his life over.

After Todd was escorted away, the cops came into the house to inspect the place further. They asked me to look around at what I saw. I admit now from my depression and the drug use that my house was a mess, but at that time I was in denial. They had every right to tell me what they did about how my kids should not have to be subjected to such living conditions and yet I didn't want to hear it. I knew I was a good mom. I was just in a rut at the moment. It wasn't so much the house was messy but more that it was empty with not much sign of life. The cat's litter box was in the boys' room that I was sharing with them. I decided to keep the kids and my quarters separated in the house so that I had some sort of sanity left in feeling like I was a family with them. It didn't matter that we all stayed in that room with the doors closed. It was simply a way to co-habitate so that I didn't have to rely on my family continuously for support. I felt safer that the cat and I stayed in the boys' room together away from Todd.

As the cop left, I remember sitting on the couch feeling so empty inside. I remember thinking to myself, "and on my son's birthday of all days." It was the first time I had actually seen Todd arrested for his activity and yet I had no concern for him, only for my kids. The quiet air was all I could hear. What would I do with myself between that time and the time to get the kids from school? There was no life without those boys there. I wanted to pick them up sooner, but didn't know what I would say to them just yet. So I just sat there.

At that next moment there was a knock on the door. I was hesitant to open it for fear of another drug addict or cop looking for Todd. When I looked out the window there stood on the porch a soft faced woman holding a baby. I could tell she was older than I was. I had not ever seen her before, but this wasn't surprising since I was usually cooped up in that hell of a house and didn't socialize with anyone outside of Todd's circle. I felt a little embarrassed when I opened the door, but this passed as soon as she asked me if I was okay. She stated that she couldn't help but notice cops at my house from view of her window. I'm not sure how long she had been living across the street, in fact from what I remember the house looked vacant and had no life in it - almost like the one I was suffering in myself.

When she asked if there was anything she could do, my heart sank and the floodgates were opened with the love God was giving me through her presence. I was overwhelmed with the feeling that it was Jesus who was the one standing right there in her place and was holding His hands out to me. My emotions were so strong in return I felt my spirit literally fall down on my knees at His feet as I said, "Yes, could you please pray for me?" I then noticed that there were tears welled up in my eyes and that I had wept as I said those simple words without any thought. At that moment her eyes softened even more as they filled with tears. Her response had no words. She asked me my name and took my hands as she prayed. I don't even remember if she knew what had happened or why but I do remember how I was shaking and trembling through fear. I then felt Christ's love through the Spirit who comforted me and let me know He was listening. That He was glad that I had finally come to Him and that I received His special messenger that day. That everything would be okay, but that it would take some time. That through Him, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

After she left I felt a sense of hopefulness and began to realize something. From the time Todd left me, I thought I what I wanted and needed to be happy again was for my marriage to be repaired and back to normalcy without the desire or lifestyle influenced by drugs. I learned that in my heart that I already had the key to happiness all along. Thereafter I did try to influence Todd with what God was telling me, but I saw no results and decided that I would pursue without him. I am grateful every day that He never let the drug use get larger than the love I had of Christ. However at that time I didn't realize that I needed to actively seek God each and every moment of the day in order to receive guidance and strength. I just thought He was only there when I needed Him most and that my calling on Him at those times would be sufficient just as it did the day the perfect stranger came. Eventually I learned that I must move forward and continue to seek Him in order to get my children out of the mess I've let them live in, but God was right. It did take time.

I will never forget how much love I felt from God that day. It was my turning point and at that moment I knew my answer to all happiness. Seek God. It seems so easy, doesn't it? Looking back my relationship in the past with God was always one that was held in crisis situations. I didn't really understand that I needed commit to walk with God and really submit to Him in order to be truly happy. It has been a long time coming to finally figure this out. It can be hard work to keep on top of it every day, but it is so worth it. I think He sends these perfect strangers to us more than we know so that we will learn how He works through them for our sake. Without this experience I would never have grown. God has a perfect and strange love for me that I will never truly understand but just for a moment on that day I was given a small taste of what is is store for me when I meet with Him once again and it excites me to no end!

Motherhood and Working - My Balancing Act

2009-02-17T17:16:00.012-06:00

It is inherent that only after a few days of not reading the Bible nor listening to praise and worship on radio I am and have become lost in feeding my spirit. Already have I gone astray and not even realized this until now. So feeling emotionally down from it all can be a benefit in my realizing where I am at - go figure. I feel emotionally super tired and super overwhelmed in life. Maybe this is more prominent that I am sick and fatigued - sure I have an excuse to be lazy about getting into God's word - but really there isn't any excuse. To pick up the Bible would take just as much effort as hitting the button on the remote and watching TV. My head is full of nothing but goo either way and I know there is always room in there for prayer.

This morning I was at work and it was one of the many times in the past few months that I just simply wanted to weep as I missed my daughter. I thought about her and how she cried this morning that she was tired. I remembered yesterday morning when I informed her we were staying home for the holiday and how her little eyes lit up. I find that Mondays I hyper focus on the time I spend away from my daughter. But it doesn't stop there...my emotions inevitably turn into more hyper focusing on everything especially in what I need to face at work. I then don't want to meet with my customers and secretly hope they would call and reschedule. It all starts in the morning each time too. I don't want to leave my bedroom - I feel safe there. This has happened on several occasions. It reminds me of my days of agoraphobia yet so different. It scares me.

Why God? What then are you putting on my heart? I asked you to put me in a job that was worth my time doing if I were to be away from Savannah, yet here I am and am so totally unhappy. Does my not wanting to get out of bed to come to work have to do with Savannah or is it just that I am not happy doing what I am doing at work? Am I justifying the need to stay home with Savannah for this reason? Am I just being lazy?

A few weeks ago after fasting you gave me courage and knowledge that I cannot explain that made a tremendous change in how I viewed my job and was able to perform. But why did this not last? Why am I feeling back to where I was previously? What Lord, am I to do with this? Can you help to show me the way? If I am to help the poor and disabled, why then can I not be more patient as I get to know them and learn to work with them? Why are some days easier than others? Am I wrong in pursuing keeping my employment instead of being at home with my child and you just haven't told me? Or am I not listening? You know me Lord, I am not good at making changes. If you have told me I may not have listened too afraid of the change.

Just like my mom's puppy that I watched over this weekend, you have been there - incessantly and loyally by my side keeping me warm and comforted. Yet there are times I don't pay attention to you. But when I call to you - just like that puppy - you always come back and with great enthusiasm just for me. While I know You love me, I still don't understand why. So I know you are listening.

Lord, I am not great at vocalizing my prayers and you know this, but please listen to my heart as well as my words here. Am I fighting for what I want as a mother and you are fighting for what you need as God? I know there is reward in my public career so why can't I keep the vision of the reward as I do Your reward? I would rather spend time with my kids than trying to help a population that is almost beyond help. But You have put me here to do this, I know, and I know You know I can do it. But why don't I have the desire to?

Am I feeling this way more so now than ever because Savannah is starting school this year? I know I have many regrets for all three of my children and not being there for them so many times when I could have, but I thought I had accepted the reasons. Did I not ask for forgiveness for the times I should have when I wasn't doing what a mother should? If so I don't recall your prompting me to but now I am really learning from them. After 20 years I've worked and been a mom, this is impressing me now more than it ever has. You have put me here in this job long ago, and with a good plan, but why does it not seem to "fit" any longer? Have I been disobedient to you and am now learning the hard way?

In reading other mother's blogs today I am finding that they are not what I thought - just stay at home moms that is. They are lawyers and writers and home schooling moms who have the chance to work around life with their kids, not their kids having to have life around their work. Since they are working nonetheless, then why do I feel so picked on? Is it that they made their choice of what they are doing prior with having a family and children in mind? Is it that what they do they can be more personal with You in their work where I cannot cross those lines with the public sector? Why do I compare myself to other mothers when I know it is wrong? Is my dream to be both mother and employee as equally as the other unrealistic? Would there be a chance that I could work part time? Why am I in such a need for something to change? And why is it that at the end of the day all feels okay? Is it because my kids are at my side and I cherish the time I do have with them?

I admit I may have too much time to think at work which causes me to tear at emotions and desires...so please help me to be patient as things progress I know this will change.I can't help but seek balance for all. Please Lord can you give me any indication of what I am doing here and where should I be going? What is going on inside me and this balancing act I am fighting with? And if there is nothing to be revealed just yet, then I pray that you would help me to be patient. Please Lord, I am struggling. I pray that you will fill me with your Word so that I am with You and walking again. Always walking, no matter how tired or sick I may feel.

Intervention

2009-02-11T10:27:00.027-06:00

I can't explain it. I just know what I know. People may think I'm crazy but I know I am not. I have been before, crazy that is, but there is a difference between becoming clinically psychotic and true feelings and visions of super natural things. Thing is I don't always listen to what is being told to me when I have these feelings or promptings.

It is only now that I am learning to adhere to these instances as they happen. Looking back at the dreams I have had over the past year I now realize they can be used to interpret what actions I should be taking in my life. I feel it is God's way to speak to me using visions and metaphors so that my human mind will "get" it and make needed changes!

It was about 5 years ago that I was driving home from work when this overwhelmingly heavy feeling that something "big" was going to happen. It was something big and life changing yet I didn't discern if it would be for good or for worse. As I drove I felt pressure on my shoulders letting me know to prepare. But prepare for what? I finally concluded that I must prepare to lose something close to me but that it was supposed to happen and that I would be okay. So somehow I assumed to be watchful for my husband thinking that something would happen to him while he was driving home at night. So I prepared myself for the thoughts of it happening and waited for something to happen. Two days later the premonition came in a very different way.

My dad died. It was Good Friday. It was a beautiful morning - one that I will always remember. The air was full of spring and the birds were chirping and reminded me of all the other spring mornings when Dad would say, "Good Morning!" to me while looking up from his newspaper and silly reading glasses. It was his day. He was finally free from pain and depression that he was suffering from. That is when mine began.

Now that time has passed and he's moved on in heaven and I've moved on too. That day to me now is remembered no longer in grief but in a different light. But I still wonder why I didn't know what God was telling me. I don't think I knew how to listen or even more important how to ask Him what the feelings were. Maybe it was that I didn't want to know? I remember a dream I had a few nights before my fathers death occurred. I woke up after dreaming I had called my mother to tell her I had a night mare she had died. I did not think anything of it and just went about the same business of what I was feeling while awake. I still insisted that something was going to happen to me or my direct family but not my immediate family. I was completely incorrect.

I have had other experiences in life with people dying and my receiving super natural messages, only these were after they were gone. My uncle died of colon cancer just prior to my first marriage ending in 1996. I was living at my parents at the time and remember how sick he was and we all knew it could be at any time that he would go. The night it happened I woke up in a sweat and unable to breathe with panic attacking me. I didn't know why or what I was dreaming but just after I got over it the phone call came. We were told he had passed and at the exact time I had the panic attack.

Another instance happened when I was reading the newspaper at my parents. Often when I'd stop by to visit them I'd lounge back and read their newspaper. Being a single mom, I never really wanted to spend the money on my own subscription. I would always look at the comics and the classifieds, you know the important stuff. Well one day out of the blue I was prompted to look at the obituaries before anything else. There I found a good friend in there that I had a relationship with in past employment. It was odd to me to think of her as gone, but I got the feeling she wanted to tell me good bye and that she held me dear to her heart. She wasn't very old either. About a month or two later the same instance happened and it was that same friend's mother. I knew the both of them. I remember feeling that they were letting me know what happened to them, but I also admit I didn't dig very deep and accepted that it was just chance. I have only held in the back of my heart that it was really much more than that.

About a few years later I had this great urge to write a letter to an old friend who was living with us for a while and was really there for me when I needed some one to talk to. He needed a place to stay and at the time my ex husband was living a lifestyle that I did not take to. He was gone all the time out dealing drugs or hanging out with druggies and never home. He had left me about a month before this friend started living with us as he needed a place to stay. Turns out I needed him there more than he needed to be there. Long story short, this friend really helped me in such a great way that it made an impression in my life and what I went through at that time. One day I felt pressure of memories and thoughts that reminded me of him and led me to write him a letter. Prior to finishing the long letter, word came to me that he had killed himself the week before. I was devastated that he didn't ever really get to know what he meant to me as a friend. But somehow I know he knows.

I have pondered and pondered how things like this are present in my life. Not only in the past, but what has been happening of recent. At the time I didn't think anything of them but somewhere in the back of my heart I believe that the people we have encountered in life who have passed are simply remembering us while entering heaven. They communicate to us feelings because we really made a difference to them and they to us while they were here. These "accounts" are given before the Lord who is recognizing what is held in hearts of the living that are still treasurable of them and their time spent here on earth. And it is at that time of their passing when God's hands reach down to our hearts right at that very moment when we feel it. He uses us so that He may create something beautiful to put on their crown that is to be placed on their head at judgement day.

In addition to instances with loved ones that have passed, I have very vivid and meaningful dreams about my own life. About a year after my dad had passed I started drinking and smoking and each year it progressively got worse. With this also came recurring incubus of people or things killing me and I would sit straight up in bed swearing to my husband of shadows in the room and would scream in horror. I thought it was just because of my dad dying and my not dealing with it, but now know it was warning signs to me about what hell consists of and that I may end up there some day if I don't change my ways.

I started to attend church with my family from the prompting of my husband. It was about the same time and thereafter is where I started having true conviction. I think hearing the word of God at church in addition to wondering where and why God took my dad really got me to thinking about what life is about and where do I fit in the picture? I felt lost and at first thought if I stopped going to church it would alleviate my convicted nature.

It's only been since last November that I have completely stopped having the night terrors. This past year I have learned to reason with God about my convictions and to ask Him for help. I have asked Him to show me ways out and He has given them to me. The dreams I have had during this past year He gave to me over and over again until I got it. They were recurring and consisting of my driving in a car for which I could not stop the brakes. I finally decided I needed to interpret the dreams and really started to back off what was giving me conviction and started changing my life with God's help. The car represented my life and my not being able to stop was going to lead me into a wreck.

Since then these dreams have changed. I am now driving in a car for other reasons and am never trying to stop but end up in odd places that have different meanings to me at the time I am dreaming them. I also realize that the people in my dreams are very significant signs as well. I have had so many dreams these past few months that I could write a book about them. I know now that they are signs from God, that he communicates to me in what direction my life may be heading and I am usually given promptings of what to look for and to seek from Him in order to move forward.

I'd like to share of a dream I had this morning. I was driving and Jake was in the passenger seat. We were driving on the same road we drive on every day out where we live but the road was surrounded by vibrant green grass- it was as if a rainstorm just occurred and gave life to all the vegetation. The sky was a bit gray and foggy, but it was beautiful and we could not see far ahead of us. Jake was telling me where to turn and where to go and Savannah was in the back seat, but it wasn't her, it was like a hologram of her or a thought of her. Just at the moment Jake no longer knew where to go, I woke up. I have interpreted this dream to mean that our children (not mine, but all children) think they know the directions in life but are depending on us parents to drive them there. Just prior to this dream I had dreamt that Charlie and I were in a group of adults that were asked to create an anti-venom for snakes that were around, and that it was "up to us" to protect our children from the devils servants with the medicine we created.

The dreams stem from a recent presentation we attended at our church about an opportunity for being involved to participate in the vision of LifeStation, a Christian organization designed for the future youth. Our old church building is in need to relocate or be completely restored but thus far we haven't enough finances to make a final decision. We all have been praying about it, and a miraculous option has derived to us in pursuit that we could be the "sponsor church" to assist in the initial phase of this organization's vision for where we live.

I believe the dream I had today is revelation from God that we, our small "insignificant" church congregation, have been given an opportunity to start something no one has done before, but that it is up to us to do this for our children. That it would be something "big" and is His will. Like when my father died I didn't know what to foresee, but knew that something "big" was about to happen. I still don't comprehend how something like this could become real, but God can. I can't deny that the folks at church have all been feeling the same "big" pressure of some thing's about to change the past few months. Like me they all have been saying, "We just don't know." Yet we knew God's work has been at hand. To see the fruit that has just started to reveal itself from our prayers is a bit overwhelming I must say. I can't even describe to you what is going on here, but it is the power of God.

It will be interesting to see what dreams come ahead as time goes on...God works in the most mysterious ways, doesn't He? I pray that He will continue to give me revelation as well as the others so we know what His plan is and that we as parents, adults, grandparents, and a community know how we can drive our children to God's hands in safety. I just pray.

Heed or Hunger?

2009-02-07T23:00:00.000-06:00

The other day I was traveling to a meeting for work. It was around lunchtime and I had planned on stopping to grab something to eat beforehand. As I was entering the parking lot to get to the drive-thru of a fast food restaurant, I encountered a man who looked homeless. There were several grocery bags hanging from an overly full green backpack as well as on each hand. He was wearing ragged pants and was walking very slowly either because he was very tired or just simply had nowhere to be. He then glanced up at me several different times looking right at me as he walked on. At first I thought nothing of it - that he just felt my looking at him so he looked back. After that split second of a moment it was then knew God was leading me to give to him. Although I didn't have any cash on me to hand to him I could have asked him what he would like to eat. But no, I didn't dare roll down that window! And why? I was too afraid I'd feel uncomfortable in reaching out.

Just after that, God still gave me an even easier chance. Right at the very moment I was getting my food from the employee at the window, the homeless man was approaching the entrance of the restaurant right in front of me and very slowly. I had my window already down from taking the food and I could have just simply handed him the food right before he went in the doors with little discomfort or talking. But I didn't. I felt terrible after that, worse than I would have if I had went outside of my comfort zone and just gave him the food. I drove away from the pick up window slowly while watching him in the rear view mirror. I was thinking at every moment to turn back and yet at the same time expecting him to come running to me to ask for the food. What was I thinking? Instead he finally disappeared into the restaurant. My chance was gone.

As I drove to the office where my meeting was I thought, “I hope that someone will give him some food there,” or “He must have money to buy his own or why would he be going there?” I ate my meal guiltily in the parking lot of where my meeting was and when I was done I wept and asked for God's forgiveness. I admit that I'm new walking with God but not so new that I didn't know what was going on. I knew what I was supposed to do but didn't dare! I can only begin to really grow once I start going out of my comfort zone. I guess the first time is all it's going to take to make that beginning. God made everything so clear to me and gave me every possible easy chance to obey Him, yet I still didn’t take heed

He put it all together so perfectly too. Looking back I now realize that I left for my meeting a little later than I had planned and didn't know what I was going to do for lunch or if I even wanted lunch. I remember thinking to myself while driving and trying to decide where to stop,"I don't really need to eat,"and was referring to my flesh that always seems to have one or another desire and/or need. I get tired of it I guess. I had a little bit of time and so I thought of several places that sounded good and had finally chosen one but at the last minute I changed my mind. I got to this particular place just at right time that God put me there and I failed to take the chance.

Next time I will know better. I am still getting to know the spirit and how it moves in me. I will pray then to God, to help me to be more obedient.

Friendship

2009-02-03T11:00:00.005-06:00

How does one be a friend? Not just any friend, but a Christian friend? I think of people that I know that are Christian and to me they are labeled as such because they are a true friend; a friend in Christ, because of Christ, for Christ, to Christ and for all Christ’s children. I cannot say I am Christian yet. Not today with all the battles that I am fighting with my flesh. I am still a newborn baby in this walk with God, but my vision is to become a true Christian. I know this will be a great feat with all the influences that I am subjected to, but it is one my heart desires for to no end.

The past few weeks on the way to and from work I have been listening to an audio CD of a book by Pastor Joel Osteen about how to “Live your Best Life Now.” I spend my 30-45 minute drive asking the Lord to speak to me so that I may be enriched and know to do what I need to in all aspects of life. This morning he gave a message about compassion and giving to others. That by being compassionate and giving, God will return the same to us. However I feel disinterested in the reward. I am not concerned with what I get in return; I only have the desire to know how to please God and to live accordingly.

I realized then that while I need to spend time and give to God in order to continue to grow, it also pleases Him we give to others and meet their needs. The message spoke to me in that I am lacking probably the most important key in my friendships – past and present. I am missing the key the Pastor talked about – compassion. But why is it that I am lacking in this? I feel compassion for others but why do I not know how to truly show it? Why am I that selfish?

I have always struggled with friendships so it has always been easier in my mind to not have one at all. Just to be an acquaintance or a “drinking buddy” partying with others to pass the time. No real commitment that is. In my past relationships I have never truly devoted my time to anyone outside of my family. I have asked myself over and over, "Why don't I feel the desire to be friendly?" or "Why do I not desire to have friends?" and “Why don’t I want my friends to become my family?” I have an inkling that maybe these feelings are all to do with my first husband and his relationship to friends before our family, but regardless of where this comes in, it is not acceptable to feel this way.

I also wonder if it is that I am one that likes to have things planned ahead of time. I feel disrupted when I am asked to engage in spur of the moment decisions of going places or doing things. I seem to find friends that are indifferent to the way I am and therefore I have never found a happy medium with any of them due to my need of space and their need for what feels like to me constant attention.

But it doesn’t stop there. I have problems with reconnecting with friends that I have not seen in a long time. About 3 or more years ago I felt the urge to find an old friend from school, one that was my best friend growing up. So I wrote her a letter. She responded to me by email so excited and for a while and off and on would attempt to suggest getting together, but they were all unplanned events and never seemed to happen. Since then she hasn’t much contacted me any longer. I am sure this is largely my fault.

I remember back to when my husband and I moved into our neighborhood. He had mentioned that he would love to get some friends. I was terrorized by this thought. It took me back to the negligence of a husband’s role to family verses friends that haunted me from my previous marriage. So I told my husband, “No. I don’t want friends!” He looked at me very odd. Because of my reaction and feeling this way, I feel we really missed out on what could have been a really good friendship with our neighbors.

I admit that I do not communicate well; I take a long time to process my feelings, emotions, and how to describe them. Yet I am assertive and converse well at work – probably because it does not involve personal feelings. There are many times even with my mother and oldest son that I have the hardest time communicating with them. I find out the hard way that I do not know how to express my concerns without them coming out the wrong way and being interpreted incorrectly. I guess this is why I like online journaling - I am able to write my feelings in their true meaning better than I say them. I just have so much to say and to describe that to do it verbally it is not feasible and usually doesn’t work for me.

Last November my husband and I have returned to being active in our church body. It has been since this time that I have been led by the spirit to change my habits and to think differently. I found that I started to notice all things of the world that were not of Christ, which became overwhelming. I thought this was odd as I never used to notice when people would swear or smelled of cigarettes. It’s as if my eyes were opened to the world in such a different way that I have to fight the battle of being human and judging what is around me constantly. I hate it but it is there for a reason – to keep me in line and to be aware of what is also around my daughter.

I have also been prompted to change the way I spend my time at work and at home. I realized this past year that I hadn’t spent a lot of time at home and realized this needed to change. I had to figure out why my house didn’t feel like home. At first I thought the promptings for change was due to my husband’s job possibly relocating and my need to start breaking the ties with old things to make for new. To do this I thought I needed to spend all my spare time with God and take away time from others around me. While this has worked for my purpose in gaining a new relationship in God for my family, my home, and myself - I have hurt others that I have been absent from in the process.

I have been in a relationship with a kind-hearted spirit, one that has never hurt me yet I have hurt her more than I ever thought I could possible. Sure there were times it felt like she didn't listen to me or didn’t respect me and take no for an answer, but she was never “hurtful” the way I have now hurt her. In fact she is overly giving to me and all those around her. When we were first becoming friends I held back as I knew somehow someway I would be the first one to cause grief if we became friends. Today I realize God put me in this relationship with her for a reason but I am still not sure if the reason is to be there for her or to help my learning to become a real friend. Maybe it’s both. I only hope it is not too late to find out.

It happened a couple of months ago when I was prompted to pull back and spend my time with her and her family differently. I felt the urge to do this for various reasons in relation to the need for balance in my life and my new path to becoming a Christian mother, wife, role model, employee, daughter, and sister. Now I realize I left out the friendship aspect.

While my distance worked at first, I became impatient and sabotaged everything. Now I have hurt my friend. If I know her like I do, I know she is the forgiving kind. But do I deserve to be forgiven? Why should she trust me again?

Nothing more I can say or do at this point will reveal to her that my feelings were not meant to hurt or belittle her at all. She will never truly know that the way I feel about her wasn’t what changed. She will not really believe that I was only seeking safety and control of my life and my influence to my family to live by the Word of the Gospel. It is my hope that she will realize this as she gets to know the new me that is changing inside. She will understand then why I was pulling back and taking heed to envelope my family and myself back to spending the majority of our time "home making" as a family. To do this it will take time but for me a it will also take a lot more learning and searching for God’s help to be a better friend to her.

Today it is time I changed. I want to work towards my Christianity and in doing so I now realize that friendship is an area that I need real help in. So after these past few months I have been seeking God about what to do with current friendships as well as new ones - it has now occurred to me of His direction in what way to go. I need to continually pray to know what my role is in the relationship and how I am to respond to the other persons needs and feelings. I need God’s help to practice being compassionate and a “true” friend, not just a “buddy.” So I pray to God to that he will guide me through this path and lead the way as I seek Him and am fed by the Gospel of Jesus Christ and His example of true friendship.

The Power of Dirty Laundry

2009-01-30T14:18:00.011-06:00

I read a great devotional today at Proverbs 31 Ministries Daily Devotional. It is called "Run Another Load" and the author describes about how laundry is never ending - just like God cleansing our hearts is never ending. It really inspired me to make an entry on what I felt this morning and ponder things a bit. I have been needing to do so but not feeling the spirit the past couple of days.

Some mornings I wake up feeling convicted. It used to be every morning, but now it has lessened. I find that when I don't wake up this way, I wonder why. Is it that I am set free from my sins? Has God shut me out? Am I just not listening or seeking enough? It is the latter of course. Unfortunately I struggle with myself to know that I have always been lazy in only seeking God when I felt convicted. I realize too though that I'm still learning to walk with God - including how to seek Him when there is not conviction or a need for an answered prayer. It is my desire in this walk with Him to learn to simply seek His word and grow daily. I am still unsure how to be better about doing this aside from my convictions telling me to do so, but do know that prayer is the key to all things and I will need to ask for His help daily.

I know that without conviction I am less likely to communicate to God. I have always found this unacceptable but in the past I would usually not think about it and simply let the guilt of my codependent relationship with Him pass. I know now that this has changed inside of me. Last night when all was quiet, I was feeling lonely as if I hadn't talked to Him all day. I then realized I hadn't. So I said a prayer and thanked Him for all that He has given me. I felt His warm hands enclose around me and at that point I was comforted. This is one way to seek Him, to spend time with Him, and I realize that a prayer is all it takes. But why is it that sometimes I am not prompted to pray? I don't pray out of habit - I admit as a human brinh I don't naturally feel the urge to pray. The urge for me is strongest with conviction or a need for guidance. But I don't want prayer to become just a habit either.

Why is conviction so much stronger than anything else? I wonder if it is because of God's power - His will to remind me that I am a sinner in constant need of help. I need to be convicted in that it requires me to remember to seek God in a different way than that of any other. He must be communicating to me today that I am getting too caught up in life; in this facebook stuff, in filing my taxes, in preparing for my daughter's birthday party. He reminds me that focusing too much on worldly things will result in my spirituality dwindling away. I find that when I am strong in spirit I have much influence for the good. Without it there is no purpose. My future depends on my convictions as does those around me. We all contribute to each other so I must do my part by keeping fed and feeding my family too.

I hate to admit this, but prior to my prayer to God last night, my daughter had asked me to read her a Bible story. I told her it was too late and that it would have to wait. After a bit of convicton I disciplined my reasoning and decided to go ahead and read to her regardless of the time. Why wasn't it my instinct to do this come without the conviction?

I don't teach Sunday School this week so I admit that knowing I didn't have a lesson to prepare I have been lax about getting into the Word, praying and spending time with God. I guess I didn't realize how blessed teaching the Kindergartner's would make me. I thought that my missing the Pastor's sermons to serve in the Sunday School I would feel as though I was missing out but I now realize that I am wrong. I am just a sinner in a world that is not everlasting. My body will continue to decrease but my spirit increases.

I am grateful to have His presence in all ways - convictions and blessings. I am blessed that He sent His son, Jesus Christ, so that I could have each and every chance to overcome my convictions - that the atonement for me as a lowly sinner is one great gift that all I have to do is accept and I will live in heaven with Him!

I praise Him then for putting these convictions on my heart. That he loves me enough to remind me to spend time with Him and seek Him if even for the short few minutes I have throughout the day. He reminds me I am nothing without Him. Lately the hymn titled "I Need Thee Every Hour" has been coming to my mind. Even though I have no idea of the lyrics or the tune, the name of this song is so true and from the heart.

Now when I am putting my laundry away, I will smile to know that God strives for cleaning my dirty laundry everyday. I will pray, "Please remain with me Lord my God, for I need you every hour of every day."

Trust in God

2009-01-22T12:22:00.004-06:00

Remember being a kid and getting a shiny new penny? Remember the feeling of the value of that penny in your fingers all the while inspecting it over and over anxiously awaiting to spend it on a gum ball? I do. I remember the most how the words "In God We Trust" were so neatly placed aournd the edge of the penny. I hate to admit it but I read it those words many times but never knew what it really meant until now.

For some time I have been praying for my son, Michael. He has been in some trouble and lost for the last couple of years now but has always struggled with getting into trouble. Not big trouble, but just little things that most kids didn't get involved with. It usually had to do with other kids around him and just being in a bad place at a bad time. He is a follower. I have been praying more for him than ever this past several months. I thought that his being homeless and then in jail this past year would be the turning point for him.

At age 17, he ran away from home and was living in his car near his girlfriend's house. When he was found I asked his uncle Paul to take him in. He would take his uncle's car and pretended to go to school and when Paul couldn't do any more with him, God bless him for trying, he was left on his own. He ended back up with his girlfriend again and it wasn't long that the day after he turned 18, they got married in the presence of her parents and Michael's biological "father", Todd. She was only 16 years old and I was outraged that her parents would allow this - but after getting to realize what this girl was about, I understood very well.

A few days of being married, Michael and Kristen could no longer get vouchers for motels from the bishop for the LDS family services so they assumed help from my mother who created rules and tried to help them get started in their marriage. In the short time they were they, they created havoc together taking advantage of my poor mom telling her lies and conning her to feel sorry for them. She gave them a place to live in the motor home outside of the house until they could get a job and out on their own. She even helped them with some gas and groceries. Needless to say succeeding was not their plan at all. At least succeeding in the life we know of. There was no job searching done - well I think maybe Michael made a few attempts but they were half hearted. Kristen did finally obtain a job at Target but lost it due to theft of a diamond necklace and putting money on gift cards that she hid in the garbage.

One day when my mother was not there, they broke into the house stealing the coins my deceased father had collected for years. They combined what they found with my sister in law's collection and cashed it all out. Not to live off however - they spent their money on crude bumper stickers for their car, they would buy new clothes instead of washing the ones they had, and blue hair dye was also a big hit. This all the while they were pleading "hungry" and needed "gas" to my mom to help them. Their car was also falling apart and needed registered. My mom didn't understand why they would steal money and not use it for the necessities? Michael learned to go along with her desire to manipulate people to obtain what they wanted by stealing. Kristen was also a pathological liar. She believed the things she lied about such as that the people were out to get her at her job and that is why they blamed her for stealing something she hadn't.

It was not much longer after that when they decided to purchase a new car to replace their old one. It needed registered but without a new windshield and headlight, they were stuck. My mother stepped in and bought the windshield at that point, but after all the trouble she went to they conned an auto dealership to sign over a 2007 vehicle to them as she was able to get her grandfather who lived back east somewhere to tell the salesman he would co-sign for them. Can you believe that? They said their old car died on the side of the road so they had no choice but to walk to the dealership and get a new one. This may have been true, however it was infuriating to me and they assured everyone they called to ask for a co-signature that they were doing this to build their credit and would make payments. Eventually my mother realized they were not seeking anything other than pleasure and could no longer helped them and asked them to leave, they rewarded her with slashing the tires on her van in the middle of the night - and on Father's Day no less.

Moving forward they decided to one day sneak in his decrepit grandfather's house and steal a box of his checks. Kristen had Michael sign the checks and had her friends cash them so they could go on a shopping spree. They were even able to purchase a laptop and were living in motels and affording all that they needed. Michael said that Kristen loved dogs so he bought her a puppy. His name was Max but after they realized that a hot car in the summer is no place to let a puppy grow up they dropped him off at our mailbox. We didn't even know he was there but thanks to a strange neighbor knocking on our door, we became aware and were able to save him from the heat. We instantly adopted him and named him Bear.

Eventually they gave up the car as a voluntary repossession. I was quite surprised that they were aware of the dealership trying to locate them. There was no way of contacting them so she must have gotten word from her friends through her mother somehow. That was one count of grand theft auto they were able to avoid.

It all ended for them the day they got caught and have been separated since. Unfortunately it was family who had to do it. The cops were looking for them for some time. Michael and Kristen were at the movie theater when they ran into my son and an uncle at the mall. They were casually waiting to get into a movie when they got scared and decided they would call security's attention by telling them a lie that Michael's uncle threatened them. As the guards were about ready to make them leave, the uncle then let the security guards know that the two were running from the law and were both lying. So they took the time to do a background check and sure enough Kristen & Michael's lies didn't get through this time. Michael didn't see Kristen after that except a few times when in the park. And she was with another man each time.

Michael has been in and out of jail during these last few couple of years. October of 2007 when he was released we took him in and he did well for a while and was making good money. He stated he got laid off from his job but I am not really sure caused them to lay him off. I think this way because he had once gotten sick at work and was sent home but didn't come home. I have an old friend that worked at the same place that had let me know about it ahead of time. When he did come home, he pretended to have worked and told his day was like any other.

He became involved with a nice girl that he knew from high school and started spending all his money purchasing text time on his phone. She was going to college at the time and lived in St. George, and eventually I think decided to end the relationship with him after he didn't pursue his divorce from Kristen. This happened right before he lost his job. After that he had no motivation to do anything. We expected him as part of living with us to go out and job search and to get his divorce completed, but there was no results in his actions or indication of actions taking place. So we then decided he could work in our basement finishing the mudding on the drywall in lieu of a place to stay in addition to job searching. He knew he had to be doing something. A while later it was found that he would make light to his friend that we made him our "slave" and that to show us he would steal things from us. When this was revealed, we had no more. We had to make the move to push him out, even if it meant on the streets.

A day later Michael was dropped off at the shelter in Salt Lake by a kind church member, but after a week of that he decided he didn't like it and preferred to live in the park. He attempted to convince me that the shelter would not accept him, but a member of our church worked there and confirmed that was incorrect. At that point I began to realize not to feel sorry for him. After about 5 months of living in the park with the other homeless people, he was put in jail and to stay until his birthday, unless he served "good time" then it would be sooner. This has been and will be his longest time spent there. It was last August when they put him there, serving time for his charges that he has not taken care of with probation nor paying in fines & restitution for his grandparents.

After learning he was there, I knew I had time to pray and felt it a blessing that I was given this time to seek an answer from God for what was to happen when he does get out and what my role would be. I wanted to be prepared this time and to know if we as parents were supposed to give him another chance to stay at home to work out his troubles. What's more my being Michael's mother I felt a personal responsibility to step in and guide him regardless of what my husband's opinion was. I worried though as I was praying - I wondered "Am I praying for Michael or for myself so that I no longer need to worry?" I did receive an initial response - that it "isn't time." But I believed that somehow that the answer God gave me would change if I continued to pray and encouraged Michael to do the same. I also felt that if I was praying for the wrong reason, then I could also take the time to correct this. I let it go for a while to explore options and to get a feel for what Michael's desire was to do. Initially he wanted to get into the transitional housing program for inmates, but last month he decided that it was just a fluke program and a way for the deputies to throw him back in jail. He talked about living with his grandfather who has incredibly forgiven him, or that he would go to job corps, or that he just needed to be back on the street again to continue learning his lesson. His being so wishy washy did not help me so at the recommendation of a church member to fast. I decided I would.

So it was two weeks ago that I had prayed and fasted for Michael's approaching release from jail. I knew in my heart this meant he'd be out on the streets again regardless of all the options he contemplated. I was in denial about it and the weather was not getting better. I have never fasted before. Being a mom I could not allow him to let himself sleep in freezing whether. I admit this whole time I'd hoped somehow he'd screw up and they wouldn't let him out until spring. At least then it would be warm. I didn't want my horrible nightmare of him killing himself or starting to death to come true in anyway.

From fasting I did not get indication from God of an answer for Michael changing or that the answer He gave prior even existed. Instead I received an answer to my prayer for help in my career. Since then I have really felt the ability and desire in my new job change dramatically. A good point was made last week though in Bible Study. That sometimes I am not to do anything and to just leave it in God's hands. That is when I heard the words God gave me from when I prayed first in August. "It's not time," again. And I thought I would leave it in His hands but of course I still felt unsure what I was supposed to do. I wondered what others felt I should do and asked for some sort of indication from them without my having to ask. Having just prayed about that yesterday I later received a message from my pastor who gave me his opinion. I simply asked for this and it was received.

I prayed before I went to visit Michael last night. I thought I needed to pray about the things I say to Michael and the influence I have no matter what option he chooses for when he gets out next month. I prayed that whether or not he asks for our help that it will be his own decision to do so and if he doesn't that there was no coming home - not yet.

Amazingly as I sat down across the glass from him, his first words to me were that he had another year to serve in jail. That he just found this out last week. I thanked God and was relieved. I realized to myself that this was what God meant all along. But I assumed He meant that it wasn't "time" for Michael to change, or that now was not the right "time" to pray for Michael. I had no idea what God really meant and should have just trusted him and been patient. I have a lot to learn.

Why do I not trust in just God's word? Why do I have to feel the need of being human and having tangibility attached to everything? Will this trust simply grow over time?

Bible Study

2009-01-21T08:57:00.007-06:00

We are learning about the book of Daniel in women's Bible Study. I have only been attending for a short while but have learned so much. I didn't realize until now that the books in the Bible correspond with each other - the cross references have really helped me to understand so much. I also realized why I never understood what I was reading as a kid due to the fact that I was reading the King James version.

Daniel is such a good role model. In all the chapters I've completed thus far he has not changed his faith or service for God. He was also very respectable toward the rulers of Babylon and did not boast or press his faith upon others. God showed him favor because of his perseverence. I think this is a good example for us in our lives today. So many people come in and out the office I work at feeling destitute and hopeless but if they would persevere as Daniel did and continue to pray no matter the odds against them, God too will show favor to them.

I have a customer who has been quite a challenge. He's an older guy, close to retirement age. All his life he has worked for his family and for himself. He worked at his father's mink farm then went into real estate. In working with him I get the feeling that either he is mentally and/or physically not wanting to continue to work his business with as old as he is getting or the real estate market has really gotten to the point where he has to work hard in order to make a profit. Prior to my assignment on his case, he was to be job searching but no one was intensely working with him to really find a job or improve his odds for finding a job. In fact I don't think he was really pursuing what he was asked to do. So I have been trying to follow the guidelines of the program and how it works by providing time limits of when things need to be done or the assistance will end. I think this scared him and he realized how important job search really is. Having never done this before, he seemed afraid to get out and find a job on his own.

Needless to say the job search didn't go well and he didn't put much effort into I admit, but I think he was discouraged to tell you the truth due to his age, lack of experience, and other pressures at home with his wife and grown children. He and his wife receive a type of financial assistance for those that either cannot work due to a disability or are unable to find work. The requirements of this program are that each of them participate in activities that will help them lead to employment and/or obtain disability income. They do not receive much assitance, $350 is all. They are facing bankruptcy very soon. His wife is disabled however he is not. He does have some limitations but is capable of working. If all goes well the Work Site Learning Coordinator is planning to place him on a an unpaid internship at a local city office. When he told me this, his eyes lit up at the thought and I could see hope dwell inside him. I pray that this is something that will be fruitful for him, that the city employment for which he could be placed does not down size and decline the request for him to work for them. It is a non paying job but and is a good start to get him in the workforce, so I pray that the city looks at this as an asset rather than a set back due to the economy.

I so many times want to speak with my customers about God and their ability to receive blessings through Him. But to avoid conflict of interest pursuits with my customers and coworkers, instead I must pray for them and for myself in that I would receive God's spirit to help them the way they needed helped in the short time I spend with them. In Daniel chapter 9 he prays for the people of Israel. It is amazing what prayer by others can do for others and it is up to us Christians to pray for and with them no matter the purpose or the reasoning. For if people do not pray for others, and those that are being prayed for do not pray either, where then does God have purpose to bless?

It is also amazing to reflect on and think of the blessings and miraculous events that happen after they happen. For me, I have really began to realize the answer to my prayer for a meaningful job and now realize the true importance and responsibility I have been given in my career, not for our community, but for God's sake. Daniel is a good role model for me and all that is to happen and will happen for me and my future serving the people our business does. If I persevere, I will continue to be blessed. I don't worry about what the economy may or may not do for my job. There are rumors they will be cutting back in the public service, but I know that with my faith all will be well. For now I will work on what I am and can do and leave the future of my career in God's hands.

"He delivers and rescues and performs signs and wonders in heaven and on earth"
Daniel 6:27

Never Forget...

2009-01-18T17:54:00.009-06:00

I will never forget that night from the summer of 1997. It was dark. I was lost somewhere in Washington. It was 2:00 in the morning and I had ventured too far north. When the city lights began to dim in my rear view mirror I realized I should have turned back but was too scared to so I continued on for another hour. No more sign of big cities ahead, I knew I was lost. Besides the signs started to look foreign to me. Where was Vancouver anyway? I didn't dare get off the road so I kept driving until I felt the courage to somehow figure out how to go the other way. Washington freeways aren't like freeways in Utah. The signs were different colors. There were names for streets instead of numbers. I was lost and I was scared.

Let me back up a ways. I had decided a few days prior that I would venture out and visit my sister who lived in Seattle. I took my two boys who were only 8 and 6 at the time. Oh, and our cat. I went seeking normalcy of life that existed on the other side of druggies. I went to seek the memory of myself and who I was, where I came from. I knew being around my sister would accomplish this. I knew I was still somewhere in this drug abused body and mentally neglected mind and I was on a mission to find it.

My husband at the time didn't understand it. He was probably paranoid like the rest of the people who came in and out of that house. Why didn't he get it? Why didn't he want to go with us? Why didn't he see that he was slowly losing his soul to the devil himself and desire to escape from it all? I guess I have been truly blessed to have Christ in me, especially at that time when I need Him to save me most. I didn't care about the speculations. My life and my kids' lives depended on this trip.

So I headed out about 6 am. The drive is about 16 hours and I wanted to go the whole way through. Besides I wasn't used to sleeping anyway thanks to the meth that was all around me. Funny that I didn't pray before I left, yet I felt God's spirit leading me the whole time. Now I realize this, but didn't know I would really need him until that night.

After seeing that the Vancouver sign was revealing it was getting closer and closer, I finally got brave enough to get off an exit in 'I don't know where.' I was tired and worried that those cars around me knew my sin and how dirty I was. I thought of my glass pipe tucked away in my trunk. It had no drugs in it, but I had it for whatever stupid reason. It was some sort of weakness a person who does drugs has - to have their paraphernalia accompany them where they go. They knew it was in there. I found an empty parking lot and decided it was too late to leave the kids in the car to access a payphone to call my sister. I was paranoid that people would look at me too even though no one was out that late at night.

So I found a spot to turn around to get back to what looked like an intersection that would lead me back to the freeway. I made a u-turn in an intersection and my heart raced to see that a cop was there right behind me. It seemed as he hurriedly came upon prowling on me. Knowing that he'd have nothing better to do than to pull me over, I said a prayer. I didn't even think that he could help me. Instead it was my drug used mind that told me he was after me. I prayed to God as I looked in the rearview mirror, then to the back seat at my boys. I prayed into the black sky that was so different from the one I knew at home, "Please help me God. Please help me to get where I need to go. My children should not have to be sleeping in a car at this time of night with a mother who is lost and does not know where to go. They don't deserve this. They wouldn't be here right now if their mother hadn't gotten messed up in this in the first place." I wept. Almost instantaneous as I had finished my prayer, the cop car turned and made a right on the street next to us as if he got another call. This all happened in a matter of a traffic light's time yet it happened for an eternity.

I started on the path back and was feeling better. I totally forgot that I had even said that prayer and told myself that the cop must have just realized that I was from out of town given that my license plate was not from Washington. I was still blind you could say. It was amazing to me though that as I drove and landed right at my sisters house without one instance of getting lost. It was as if he had led me there by His hand. It was not my doing at all. I was so very tired, not just from driving for that many hours, but from the drugs that had overtaken my emotions, spirit, heart, and mind the last year. It was an awesome feeling then that I had doe it. But now I realize it was truly God's power, none of my own. I realize today how it was all God's glory and grace that was bestowed upon me that night. I was in His care all along. I will never forget.

Hunger

2009-01-18T09:08:00.003-06:00

Have you ever felt hungry? Of course. As humans our body requires nourishment in order to continue to do what it is meant to do. Spiritually I have been hungry in so many ways but never knew how to feed myself. Sure I knew of prayer and that it was powerful but only used in crisis situations. I didn't think of it as a means to remain close to God each day. I was literally starving my spirit just the same as I do with my body.

Today I enjoy not only praying to God on a daily basis but reading His Word, fellow shipping with those that are also Christians, listening to different music, fasting, and sharing my blessings with others as a witness. I want to spend all my time with God and find Him to be with me every hour because I have seeked Him.

A couple of years or more ago I had accomplished weight loss. What I learned was that the body runs more efficiently if you feed it throughout the day. It doesn't feel neglected or likely to "hoard" what storage of food it has in the event it is needed in an emergency. Like my body I found that this is also true to my spirit. My spirit needs fed on a consistent basis to properly utilize my faith in that I might fulfill His work and continue His plan for me. With this daily process I find that I am satisfied and always seeking for more. But can someone over focus on the Lord? Just like a person can be over zealous in keeping their health that it takes up their whole being, is this also something that a person like me should be concerned about? A person that has a new found love for Jesus Christ and is inexperienced in her walk with God?

I ask this question because I find I have to fight the urge to sneak away to read my bible or to blog as I am now so that my family does not get neglected. I must pray about keeping all things balanced so that I can feed my spirit as well as my family's. Just this morning I have to watch the clock as I type, it seems I have so much to share that my mind, heart and spirit are already several blog entries ahead of me. Maybe this is all the reason why I am over zealous - I realize that I am playing catch up and now that I have a means to enter my feelings here, I will be able to catch up from the past experiences I want to share so that I may focus more directly on my daily witnesses. I find then that I need to pray...I just worry and do not want to lose sight again as I have done in the past but don't want to exhaust myself either.

I pray Lord, as only you can give me the patience that I need. That you know my heart in that I desire to continually be fed. I pray that you will will help me to be content with the short time I have in my daily activities to spend alone with you. I want to continue to seek, Lord, but I need to seek you at the right times. Therefore I pray for my family and for those around me that I have neglected because of my being pre-occupied with you. That they may be fulfilled with your Spirit and be influenced by you as I have. I pray for these things in your Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Where do I start???

2009-01-17T18:21:00.007-06:00

My walk with God has been recently renewed in my life and He has lifted and continues to lift my heart and spirit to heights I have never known. I would like to post my feelings, prayers, insights, and love for Jesus Christ here. To share the Lord's love and glory, it is my hope that many can also read to get to know Him and His love that he has for each one of us.

It has been a long stretch of being lost in my life once again. The world around me distracted my feelings for the Lord. Many nights I lay awake praying and seeking answers to help with my convictions. I have grown into old habits and fell away from walking with God. I think my desire to change and release my convictions came strongest to me because of my daughter. She has been a large eye opener to where my life is, where it has been, and where I want it to go, but most importantly what kind of parent I want to be for her. I needed to act now as she is getting older, and God knew my desire to do so. My fervent prayers are what gave me the strength today to overcome what I thought I had already battled. He has lifted my conviction and I now must follow him to keep in His Spirit and continue to seek and to listen so that I might be all I can for my family, friends, neighbors, and fellow Christians.

As I was creating this blog I attempted several templates to express my purpose that will be constructed here and after many hours of seeking, I found the lighthouse theme and thought to myself, "What is more fitting than a lighthouse. Isn't Christ the Lord the one who gives us our light?" The quote I have used is from an article called Shining Like a Lighthouse written by Dale Fincher which is a true capture of our relationship with God through Jesus Christ.

I pray today, Father, that you will enlighten me with your spirit as I write, that what passes through my fingers will be through you. I am thankful for you, Lord, and for your gift of your holy son, that I, a sinner, can live in the light of your eyes. I pray for those that do not hear you but more so those that do not listen. I pray that they may hear your voice through the Holy Spirit and may receive it in your glorious way that their hearts too will be lifted and they will seek more of you. I praise you and worship your name as I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.