Tuesday, February 24, 2009

God's Instruments of Love

God's overwhelming love for us comes in so many forms; in answers to many prayers, the blessings we have and continue to be given, and in our beloved relationships with others. God sends this love through The Spirit and our counselor, Jesus Christ by way of many instruments. It is up to us to respond to it and when we do, we are left in awe and will never forget the comfort we are given with this true and unconditional love He has for us.

For me it was about 11 years ago when I really come to know the love God has for me. Sure I've always known it was there but I didn't comprehend His love until it was given to me by a complete stranger. It was as if Christ had knocked on my door himself. I am still overwhelmed with emotion as I recall the experience.

It was the morning of my youngest son's 7th birthday. I was still deeply depressed from all the turmoil from my ex-husband leaving me to moving back with him thinking we were working on things all the while living in a drug-addicted lifestyle. (That's another story.) I still remember that morning asking Todd if he would take the kids to school that day cause I just didn't feel up to it and wanted to remain in bed. He grumbled and gave me a hard time as if I had asked him to do a miracle or something and tried to make me feel guilty. I gave the boys my kisses and told Jacob "Happy Birthday" as they went out the door to school. After they left I remember enjoying the silence - not from the kids being away but because Todd was no longer there nor the reminder of the drug induced life he had brought into our house. If even for only a quick run to the school that he was gone, it was a relief that made me feel as if there were no problems around me.

About an hour had passed and I noticed Todd pulling in the driveway finally coming home. He had a couple of people with him, there was always someone new around him it seemed. I remember thinking to myself how old this was getting - his drug business and the lifestyle that tried to exist around me that is. And then no sooner than he got out of the car a couple cop cars pulled up. I remember it was like slow motion standing on the porch as I watched him getting arrested. I was not surprised by the matter after all the illegal activities he'd been involved in and I was very grateful the boys were at school by this time and not subjected to the event. I am sure Todd thinks to this day that I set him up by having him take the boys to school. It was always the way he thought - thinking that someone was out to do things in spite of him. He thought this way because this is how he was with others. But I have never been that way and little did he know me once the drugs took his life over.

After Todd was escorted away, the cops came into the house to inspect the place further. They asked me to look around at what I saw. I admit now from my depression and the drug use that my house was a mess, but at that time I was in denial. They had every right to tell me what they did about how my kids should not have to be subjected to such living conditions and yet I didn't want to hear it. I knew I was a good mom. I was just in a rut at the moment. It wasn't so much the house was messy but more that it was empty with not much sign of life. The cat's litter box was in the boys' room that I was sharing with them. I decided to keep the kids and my quarters separated in the house so that I had some sort of sanity left in feeling like I was a family with them. It didn't matter that we all stayed in that room with the doors closed. It was simply a way to co-habitate so that I didn't have to rely on my family continuously for support. I felt safer that the cat and I stayed in the boys' room together away from Todd.

As the cop left, I remember sitting on the couch feeling so empty inside. I remember thinking to myself, "and on my son's birthday of all days." It was the first time I had actually seen Todd arrested for his activity and yet I had no concern for him, only for my kids. The quiet air was all I could hear. What would I do with myself between that time and the time to get the kids from school? There was no life without those boys there. I wanted to pick them up sooner, but didn't know what I would say to them just yet. So I just sat there.

At that next moment there was a knock on the door. I was hesitant to open it for fear of another drug addict or cop looking for Todd. When I looked out the window there stood on the porch a soft faced woman holding a baby. I could tell she was older than I was. I had not ever seen her before, but this wasn't surprising since I was usually cooped up in that hell of a house and didn't socialize with anyone outside of Todd's circle. I felt a little embarrassed when I opened the door, but this passed as soon as she asked me if I was okay. She stated that she couldn't help but notice cops at my house from view of her window. I'm not sure how long she had been living across the street, in fact from what I remember the house looked vacant and had no life in it - almost like the one I was suffering in myself.

When she asked if there was anything she could do, my heart sank and the floodgates were opened with the love God was giving me through her presence. I was overwhelmed with the feeling that it was Jesus who was the one standing right there in her place and was holding His hands out to me. My emotions were so strong in return I felt my spirit literally fall down on my knees at His feet as I said, "Yes, could you please pray for me?" I then noticed that there were tears welled up in my eyes and that I had wept as I said those simple words without any thought. At that moment her eyes softened even more as they filled with tears. Her response had no words. She asked me my name and took my hands as she prayed. I don't even remember if she knew what had happened or why but I do remember how I was shaking and trembling through fear. I then felt Christ's love through the Spirit who comforted me and let me know He was listening. That He was glad that I had finally come to Him and that I received His special messenger that day. That everything would be okay, but that it would take some time. That through Him, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

After she left I felt a sense of hopefulness and began to realize something. From the time Todd left me, I thought I what I wanted and needed to be happy again was for my marriage to be repaired and back to normalcy without the desire or lifestyle influenced by drugs. I learned that in my heart that I already had the key to happiness all along. Thereafter I did try to influence Todd with what God was telling me, but I saw no results and decided that I would pursue without him. I am grateful every day that He never let the drug use get larger than the love I had of Christ. However at that time I didn't realize that I needed to actively seek God each and every moment of the day in order to receive guidance and strength. I just thought He was only there when I needed Him most and that my calling on Him at those times would be sufficient just as it did the day the perfect stranger came. Eventually I learned that I must move forward and continue to seek Him in order to get my children out of the mess I've let them live in, but God was right. It did take time.

I will never forget how much love I felt from God that day. It was my turning point and at that moment I knew my answer to all happiness. Seek God. It seems so easy, doesn't it? Looking back my relationship in the past with God was always one that was held in crisis situations. I didn't really understand that I needed commit to walk with God and really submit to Him in order to be truly happy. It has been a long time coming to finally figure this out. It can be hard work to keep on top of it every day, but it is so worth it. I think He sends these perfect strangers to us more than we know so that we will learn how He works through them for our sake. Without this experience I would never have grown. God has a perfect and strange love for me that I will never truly understand but just for a moment on that day I was given a small taste of what is is store for me when I meet with Him once again and it excites me to no end!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Motherhood and Working - My Balancing Act

It is inherent that only after a few days of not reading the Bible nor listening to praise and worship on radio I am and have become lost in feeding the spirit. Already have I gone astray and not even realized this until now. So feeling emotionally down from it all can be a benefit in my realizing where I am at - go figure. I feel emotionally super tired and super overwhelmed in life. Maybe this is more prominent that I am sick and fatigued - sure I have an excuse to be lazy about getting into God's word - but really there isn't any excuse. To pick up the Bible would take just as much effort as hitting the button on the remote and watching TV. My head is full of nothing but goo either way and I know there is always room in there for prayer.

This morning I was at work and it was one of the many times in the past few months that I just simply wanted to weep as I missed my daughter. I thought about her and how she cried this morning that she was tired. I remembered yesterday morning when I informed her we were staying home for the holiday and how her little eyes lit up. I find that Mondays I hyper focus on the time I spend away from my daughter. But it doesn't stop there...my emotions inevitably turn into more hyper focusing on everything especially in what I need to face at work. I then don't want to meet with my customers and secretly hope they would call and reschedule. It all starts in the morning each time too. I don't want to leave my bedroom - I feel safe there. This has happened on several occasions. It reminds me of my days of agoraphobia yet so different. It scares me.

Why God? What then are you putting on my heart? I asked you to put me in a job that was worth my time doing if I were to be away from Savannah, yet here I am and am so totally unhappy. Does my not wanting to get out of bed to come to work have to do with Savannah or is it just that I am not happy doing what I am doing at work? Am I justifying the need to stay home with Savannah for this reason? Am I just being lazy?

A few weeks ago after fasting you gave me courage and knowledge that I cannot explain that made a tremendous change in how I viewed my job and was able to perform. But why did this not last? Why am I feeling back to where I was previously? What Lord, am I to do with this? Can you help to show me the way? If I am to help the poor and disabled, why then can I not be more patient as I get to know them and learn to work with them? Why are some days easier than others? Am I wrong in pursuing keeping my employment instead of being at home with my child and you just haven't told me? Or am I not listening? You know me Lord, I am not good at making changes. If you have told me I may not have listened too afraid of the change.

Just like my mom's puppy that I watched over this weekend, you have been there - incessantly and loyally by my side keeping me warm and comforted. Yet there are times I don't pay attention to you. But when I call to you - just like that puppy - you always come back and with great enthusiasm just for me. While I know You love me, I still don't understand why. So I know you are listening.

Lord, I am not great at vocalizing my prayers and you know this, but please listen to my heart as well as my words here. Am I fighting for what I want as a mother and you are fighting for what you need as God? I know there is reward in my public career so why can't I keep the vision of the reward as I do Your reward? I would rather spend time with my kids than trying to help a population that is almost beyond help. But You have put me here to do this, I know, and I know You know I can do it. But why don't I have the desire to?

Am I feeling this way more so now than ever because Savannah is starting school this year? I know I have many regrets for all three of my children and not being there for them so many times when I could have, but I thought I had accepted the reasons. Did I not ask for forgiveness for the times I should have when I wasn't doing what a mother should? If so I don't recall your prompting me to but now I am really learning from them. After 20 years I've worked and been a mom, this is impressing me now more than it ever has. You have put me here in this job long ago, and with a good plan, but why does it not seem to "fit" any longer? Have I been disobedient to you and am now learning the hard way?

In reading other mother's blogs today I am finding that they are not what I thought - just stay at home moms that is. They are lawyers and writers and home schooling moms who have the chance to work around life with their kids, not their kids having to have life around their work. Since they are working nonetheless, then why do I feel so picked on? Is it that they made their choice of what they are doing prior with having a family and children in mind? Is it that what they do they can be more personal with You in their work where I cannot cross those lines with the public sector? Why do I compare myself to other mothers when I know it is wrong? Is my dream to be both mother and employee as equally as the other unrealistic? Would there be a chance that I could work part time? Why am I in such a need for something to change? And why is it that at the end of the day all feels okay? Is it because my kids are at my side and I cherish the time I do have with them?

I admit I may have too much time to think at work which causes me to tear at emotions and desires...so please help me to be patient as things progress I know this will change.I can't help but seek balance for all. Please Lord can you give me any indication of what I am doing here and where should I be going? What is going on inside me and this balancing act I am fighting with? And if there is nothing to be revealed just yet, then I pray that you would help me to be patient. Please Lord, I am struggling. I pray that you will fill me with your Word so that I am with You and walking again. Always walking, no matter how tired or sick I may feel.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Intervention

I can't explain it. I just know what I know. People may think I'm crazy but I know I am not. I have been before, crazy that is, but there is a difference between becoming clinically psychotic and true feelings and visions of super natural things. Thing is I don't always listen to what is being told to me when I have these feelings or promptings.

It is only now that I am learning to adhere to these instances as they happen. Looking back at the dreams I have had over the past year I now realize they can be used to interpret what actions I should be taking in my life. I feel it is God's way to speak to me using visions and metaphors so that my human mind will "get" it and make needed changes!

It was about 5 years ago that I was driving home from work when this overwhelmingly heavy feeling that something "big" was going to happen. It was something big and life changing yet I didn't discern if it would be for good or for worse. As I drove I felt pressure on my shoulders letting me know to prepare. But prepare for what? I finally concluded that I must prepare to lose something close to me but that it was supposed to happen and that I would be okay. So somehow I assumed to be watchful for my husband thinking that something would happen to him while he was driving home at night. So I prepared myself for the thoughts of it happening and waited for something to happen. Two days later the premonition came in a very different way.

My dad died. It was Good Friday. It was a beautiful morning - one that I will always remember. The air was full of spring and the birds were chirping and reminded me of all the other spring mornings when Dad would say, "Good Morning!" to me while looking up from his newspaper and silly reading glasses. It was his day. He was finally free from pain and depression that he was suffering from. That is when mine began.

Now that time has passed and he's moved on in heaven and I've moved on too. That day to me now is remembered no longer in grief but in a different light. But I still wonder why I didn't know what God was telling me. I don't think I knew how to listen or even more important how to ask Him what the feelings were. Maybe it was that I didn't want to know? I remember a dream I had a few nights before my fathers death occurred. I woke up after dreaming I had called my mother to tell her I had a night mare she had died. I did not think anything of it and just went about the same business of what I was feeling while awake. I still insisted that something was going to happen to me or my direct family but not my immediate family. I was completely incorrect.

I have had other experiences in life with people dying and my receiving super natural messages, only these were after they were gone. My uncle died of colon cancer just prior to my first marriage ending in 1996. I was living at my parents at the time and remember how sick he was and we all knew it could be at any time that he would go. The night it happened I woke up in a sweat and unable to breathe with panic attacking me. I didn't know why or what I was dreaming but just after I got over it the phone call came. We were told he had passed and at the exact time I had the panic attack.

Another instance happened when I was reading the newspaper at my parents. Often when I'd stop by to visit them I'd lounge back and read their newspaper. Being a single mom, I never really wanted to spend the money on my own subscription. I would always look at the comics and the classifieds, you know the important stuff. Well one day out of the blue I was prompted to look at the obituaries before anything else. There I found a good friend in there that I had a relationship with in past employment. It was odd to me to think of her as gone, but I got the feeling she wanted to tell me good bye and that she held me dear to her heart. She wasn't very old either. About a month or two later the same instance happened and it was that same friend's mother. I knew the both of them. I remember feeling that they were letting me know what happened to them, but I also admit I didn't dig very deep and accepted that it was just chance. I have only held in the back of my heart that it was really much more than that.

About a few years later I had this great urge to write a letter to an old friend who was living with us for a while and was really there for me when I needed some one to talk to. He needed a place to stay and at the time my ex husband was living a lifestyle that I did not take to. He was gone all the time out dealing drugs or hanging out with druggies and never home. He had left me about a month before this friend started living with us as he needed a place to stay. Turns out I needed him there more than he needed to be there. Long story short, this friend really helped me in such a great way that it made an impression in my life and what I went through at that time. One day I felt pressure of memories and thoughts that reminded me of him and led me to write him a letter. Prior to finishing the long letter, word came to me that he had killed himself the week before. I was devastated that he didn't ever really get to know what he meant to me as a friend. But somehow I know he knows.

I have pondered and pondered how things like this are present in my life. Not only in the past, but what has been happening of recent. At the time I didn't think anything of them but somewhere in the back of my heart I believe that the people we have encountered in life who have passed are simply remembering us while entering heaven. They communicate to us feelings because we really made a difference to them and they to us while they were here. These "accounts" are given before the Lord who is recognizing what is held in hearts of the living that are still treasurable of them and their time spent here on earth. And it is at that time of their passing when God's hands reach down to our hearts right at that very moment when we feel it. He uses us so that He may create something beautiful to put on their crown that is to be placed on their head at judgement day.

In addition to instances with loved ones that have passed, I have very vivid and meaningful dreams about my own life. About a year after my dad had passed I started drinking and smoking and each year it progressively got worse. With this also came recurring incubus of people or things killing me and I would sit straight up in bed swearing to my husband of shadows in the room and would scream in horror. I thought it was just because of my dad dying and my not dealing with it, but now know it was warning signs to me about what hell consists of and that I may end up there some day if I don't change my ways.

I started to attend church with my family from the prompting of my husband. It was about the same time and thereafter is where I started having true conviction. I think hearing the word of God at church in addition to wondering where and why God took my dad really got me to thinking about what life is about and where do I fit in the picture? I felt lost and at first thought if I stopped going to church it would alleviate my convicted nature.

It's only been since last November that I have completely stopped having the night terrors. This past year I have learned to reason with God about my convictions and to ask Him for help. I have asked Him to show me ways out and He has given them to me. The dreams I have had during this past year He gave to me over and over again until I got it. They were recurring and consisting of my driving in a car for which I could not stop the brakes. I finally decided I needed to interpret the dreams and really started to back off what was giving me conviction and started changing my life with God's help. The car represented my life and my not being able to stop was going to lead me into a wreck.

Since then these dreams have changed. I am now driving in a car for other reasons and am never trying to stop but end up in odd places that have different meanings to me at the time I am dreaming them. I also realize that the people in my dreams are very significant signs as well. I have had so many dreams these past few months that I could write a book about them. I know now that they are signs from God, that he communicates to me in what direction my life may be heading and I am usually given promptings of what to look for and to seek from Him in order to move forward.

I'd like to share of a dream I had this morning. I was driving and Jake was in the passenger seat. We were driving on the same road we drive on every day out where we live but the road was surrounded by vibrant green grass- it was as if a rainstorm just occurred and gave life to all the vegetation. The sky was a bit gray and foggy, but it was beautiful and we could not see far ahead of us. Jake was telling me where to turn and where to go and Savannah was in the back seat, but it wasn't her, it was like a hologram of her or a thought of her. Just at the moment Jake no longer knew where to go, I woke up. I have interpreted this dream to mean that our children (not mine, but all children) think they know the directions in life but are depending on us parents to drive them there. Just prior to this dream I had dreamt that Charlie and I were in a group of adults that were asked to create an anti-venom for snakes that were around, and that it was "up to us" to protect our children from the devils servants with the medicine we created.

The dreams stem from a recent presentation we attended at our church about an opportunity for being involved to participate in the vision of LifeStation, a Christian organization designed for the future youth. Our old church building is in need to relocate or be completely restored but thus far we haven't enough finances to make a final decision. We all have been praying about it, and a miraculous option has derived to us in pursuit that we could be the "sponsor church" to assist in the initial phase of this organization's vision for where we live.

I believe the dream I had today is revelation from God that we, our small "insignificant" church congregation, have been given an opportunity to start something no one has done before, but that it is up to us to do this for our children. That it would be something "big" and is His will. Like when my father died I didn't know what to foresee, but knew that something "big" was about to happen. I still don't comprehend how something like this could become real, but God can. I can't deny that the folks at church have all been feeling the same "big" pressure of some thing's about to change the past few months. Like me they all have been saying, "We just don't know." Yet we knew God's work has been at hand. To see the fruit that has just started to reveal itself from our prayers is a bit overwhelming I must say. I can't even describe to you what is going on here, but it is the power of God.

It will be interesting to see what dreams come ahead as time goes on...God works in the most mysterious ways, doesn't He? I pray that He will continue to give me revelation as well as the others so we know what His plan is and that we as parents, adults, grandparents, and a community know how we can drive our children to God's hands in safety. I just pray.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Heed or Hunger?

The other day I was traveling to a meeting for work. It was around lunchtime and I had planned on stopping to grab something to eat beforehand. As I was entering the parking lot to get to the drive-thru of a fast food restaurant, I encountered a man who looked homeless. There were several grocery bags hanging from an overly full green backpack as well as on each hand. He was wearing ragged pants and was walking very slowly either because he was very tired or just simply had nowhere to be. He then glanced up at me several different times looking right at me as he walked on. At first I thought nothing of it - that he just felt my looking at him so he looked back. After that split second of a moment it was then knew God was leading me to give to him. Although I didn't have any cash on me to hand to him I could have asked him what he would like to eat. But no, I didn't dare roll down that window! And why? I was too afraid I'd feel uncomfortable in reaching out.

Just after that, God still gave me an even easier chance. Right at the very moment I was getting my food from the employee at the window, the homeless man was approaching the entrance of the restaurant right in front of me and very slowly. I had my window already down from taking the food and I could have just simply handed him the food right before he went in the doors with little discomfort or talking. But I didn't. I felt terrible after that, worse than I would have if I had went outside of my comfort zone and just gave him the food. I drove away from the pick up window slowly while watching him in the rear view mirror. I was thinking at every moment to turn back and yet at the same time expecting him to come running to me to ask for the food. What was I thinking? Instead he finally disappeared into the restaurant. My chance was gone.

As I drove to the office where my meeting was I thought, “I hope that someone will give him some food there,” or “He must have money to buy his own or why would he be going there?” I ate my meal guiltily in the parking lot of where my meeting was and when I was done I wept and asked for God's forgiveness. I admit that I'm new walking with God but not so new that I didn't know what was going on. I knew what I was supposed to do but didn't dare! I can only begin to really grow once I start going out of my comfort zone. I guess the first time is all it's going to take to make that beginning. God made everything so clear to me and gave me every possible easy chance to obey Him, yet I still didn’t take heed

He put it all together so perfectly too. Looking back I now realize that I left for my meeting a little later than I had planned and didn't know what I was going to do for lunch or if I even wanted lunch. I remember thinking to myself while driving and trying to decide where to stop,"I don't really need to eat,"and was referring to my flesh that always seems to have one or another desire and/or need. I get tired of it I guess. I had a little bit of time and so I thought of several places that sounded good and had finally chosen one but at the last minute I changed my mind. I got to this particular place just at right time that God put me there and I failed to take the chance.

Next time I will know better. I am still getting to know the spirit and how it moves in me. I will pray then to God, to help me to be more obedient.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Friendship

How does one be a friend? Not just any friend, but a Christian friend? I think of people that I know that are Christian and to me they are labeled as such because they are a true friend; a friend in Christ, because of Christ, for Christ, to Christ and for all Christ’s children. I cannot say I am Christian yet. Not today with all the battles that I am fighting with my flesh. I am still a newborn baby in this walk with God, but my vision is to become a true Christian. I know this will be a great feat with all the influences that I am subjected to, but it is one my heart desires for to no end.

The past few weeks on the way to and from work I have been listening to an audio CD of a book by Pastor Joel Osteen about how to “Live your Best Life Now.” I spend my 30-45 minute drive asking the Lord to speak to me so that I may be enriched and know to do what I need to in all aspects of life. This morning he gave a message about compassion and giving to others. That by being compassionate and giving, God will return the same to us. However I feel disinterested in the reward. I am not concerned with what I get in return; I only have the desire to know how to please God and to live accordingly.

I realized then that while I need to spend time and give to God in order to continue to grow, it also pleases Him we give to others and meet their needs. The message spoke to me in that I am lacking probably the most important key in my friendships – past and present. I am missing the key the Pastor talked about – compassion. But why is it that I am lacking in this? I feel compassion for others but why do I not know how to truly show it? Why am I that selfish?

I have always struggled with friendships so it has always been easier in my mind to not have one at all. Just to be an acquaintance or a “drinking buddy” partying with others to pass the time. No real commitment that is. In my past relationships I have never truly devoted my time to anyone outside of my family. I have asked myself over and over, "Why don't I feel the desire to be friendly?" or "Why do I not desire to have friends?" and “Why don’t I want my friends to become my family?” I have an inkling that maybe these feelings are all to do with my first husband and his relationship to friends before our family, but regardless of where this comes in, it is not acceptable to feel this way.

I also wonder if it is that I am one that likes to have things planned ahead of time. I feel disrupted when I am asked to engage in spur of the moment decisions of going places or doing things. I seem to find friends that are indifferent to the way I am and therefore I have never found a happy medium with any of them due to my need of space and their need for what feels like to me constant attention.

But it doesn’t stop there. I have problems with reconnecting with friends that I have not seen in a long time. About 3 or more years ago I felt the urge to find an old friend from school, one that was my best friend growing up. So I wrote her a letter. She responded to me by email so excited and for a while and off and on would attempt to suggest getting together, but they were all unplanned events and never seemed to happen. Since then she hasn’t much contacted me any longer. I am sure this is largely my fault.

I remember back to when my husband and I moved into our neighborhood. He had mentioned that he would love to get some friends. I was terrorized by this thought. It took me back to the negligence of a husband’s role to family verses friends that haunted me from my previous marriage. So I told my husband, “No. I don’t want friends!” He looked at me very odd. Because of my reaction and feeling this way, I feel we really missed out on what could have been a really good friendship with our neighbors.

I admit that I do not communicate well; I take a long time to process my feelings, emotions, and how to describe them. Yet I am assertive and converse well at work – probably because it does not involve personal feelings. There are many times even with my mother and oldest son that I have the hardest time communicating with them. I find out the hard way that I do not know how to express my concerns without them coming out the wrong way and being interpreted incorrectly. I guess this is why I like online journaling - I am able to write my feelings in their true meaning better than I say them. I just have so much to say and to describe that to do it verbally it is not feasible and usually doesn’t work for me.

Last November my husband and I have returned to being active in our church body. It has been since this time that I have been led by the spirit to change my habits and to think differently. I found that I started to notice all things of the world that were not of Christ, which became overwhelming. I thought this was odd as I never used to notice when people would swear or smelled of cigarettes. It’s as if my eyes were opened to the world in such a different way that I have to fight the battle of being human and judging what is around me constantly. I hate it but it is there for a reason – to keep me in line and to be aware of what is also around my daughter.

I have also been prompted to change the way I spend my time at work and at home. I realized this past year that I hadn’t spent a lot of time at home and realized this needed to change. I had to figure out why my house didn’t feel like home. At first I thought the promptings for change was due to my husband’s job possibly relocating and my need to start breaking the ties with old things to make for new. To do this I thought I needed to spend all my spare time with God and take away time from others around me. While this has worked for my purpose in gaining a new relationship in God for my family, my home, and myself - I have hurt others that I have been absent from in the process.

I have been in a relationship with a kind-hearted spirit, one that has never hurt me yet I have hurt her more than I ever thought I could possible. Sure there were times it felt like she didn't listen to me or didn’t respect me and take no for an answer, but she was never “hurtful” the way I have now hurt her. In fact she is overly giving to me and all those around her. When we were first becoming friends I held back as I knew somehow someway I would be the first one to cause grief if we became friends. Today I realize God put me in this relationship with her for a reason but I am still not sure if the reason is to be there for her or to help my learning to become a real friend. Maybe it’s both. I only hope it is not too late to find out.

It happened a couple of months ago when I was prompted to pull back and spend my time with her and her family differently. I felt the urge to do this for various reasons in relation to the need for balance in my life and my new path to becoming a Christian mother, wife, role model, employee, daughter, and sister. Now I realize I left out the friendship aspect.

While my distance worked at first, I became impatient and sabotaged everything. Now I have hurt my friend. If I know her like I do, I know she is the forgiving kind. But do I deserve to be forgiven? Why should she trust me again?

Nothing more I can say or do at this point will reveal to her that my feelings were not meant to hurt or belittle her at all. She will never truly know that the way I feel about her wasn’t what changed. She will not really believe that I was only seeking safety and control of my life and my influence to my family to live by the Word of the Gospel. It is my hope that she will realize this as she gets to know the new me that is changing inside. She will understand then why I was pulling back and taking heed to envelope my family and myself back to spending the majority of our time "home making" as a family. To do this it will take time but for me a it will also take a lot more learning and searching for God’s help to be a better friend to her.

Today it is time I changed. I want to work towards my Christianity and in doing so I now realize that friendship is an area that I need real help in. So after these past few months I have been seeking God about what to do with current friendships as well as new ones - it has now occurred to me of His direction in what way to go. I need to continually pray to know what my role is in the relationship and how I am to respond to the other persons needs and feelings. I need God’s help to practice being compassionate and a “true” friend, not just a “buddy.” So I pray to God to that he will guide me through this path and lead the way as I seek Him and am fed by the Gospel of Jesus Christ and His example of true friendship.